A/N: Thanks to the people who reviewed last time and welcome to those who followed the story! I apologize for the slight delay. I've been unable to use my right hand due to an injury and, aside from making normal everyday tasks a struggle, that has slowed down my writing a bit. And then it took me forever to get Hakuba's part done. I think I haven't gotten a good feeling for him yet, since I write him so rarely.
Oh and because I forgot to answer this before: I don't know about any pairings yet, it's certainly not looking good at the AokoxKaito front right now (as you will see when you read the chapter), but maybe that will change in the future, mh? Minor spoiler for chapter 6 in here, who can spot it? ;) Also, no guarantees for medical accuracy. Enjoy!

Chapter 3: Boy's No Good

Sometimes I'm just so tired of it all. Of this life. Sometimes I hate dad for dying. I hate him for becoming KID. But then I have to hate my mum for being the Phantom Lady, 'cause that's the main reason dad became KID. And if I follow that line of thought, I'll have to hate everything and everyone and that's just so damn exhausting. I'd rather not care. That's the thing though – I do care. That's why I have to do this.

- Excerpt from Kuroba Kaito's journals

Now

Something wakes me up and it takes a second before I realize that someone is in my room. I'm up in the blink of an eye, pinning the intruder against the wall, my elbow pushing against their throat. Not thinking, just reacting.
A second ticks by. Two. We stare at each other. Tears are pooling in her eyes and I think her horrified expression is only outmatched by my own.
I let go of her and stumble back. "Aoko, I'm..shit, I'm sorry. I thought you..you were a burglar or something."
She takes a shaky breath and holds a hand up to her throat. Horror washes over me like an ice-cold tidal wave when I see the reddened skin.
"I'm so, so sorry." I repeat.
Aoko shakes her head, her face torn between hurt and disbelief, and she leaves without another word, almost stumbling over her own feet in her haste to get away from me.

I stare at the door, wondering if I should go after her. But she probably doesn't want to see me right now - or ever again.
That was unforgivable.
Hatred seeps in and drowns out the horror and I start smashing my fists into the wall until the yellow wallpaper is stained with red. Every punch, every hit, takes the anger and pain from inside and pushes it out, violent bursts of energy designed to hurt, until there's nothing left.
I crumble down like a collapsing building and I stay there on the floor, staring at the torn and bloody skin on my knuckles. I don't even have the energy to answer the door when the bell rings.

I don't care who's there, they should leave me alone. I'm the absolute worst. How could I do that..to her, of all people?
Apparently the people outside don't care what I think, because I hear the front door open and I know it's Aoko. Either that or it's a real burglar this time.
I don't care if it is. He can take whatever he wants.

Footsteps on the stairs, then in the hallway and the door to my room flies open with so much force, it crashes into the wall and rattles the furniture, causing a few books to fall from the shelf.
"Kuroba! What the bloody hell-"
The voice cuts off abruptly and another one whispers something, so quietly that I can't understand the words.
I look up and see Aoko and Hakuba in the doorway.
Aoko looks scared and Hakuba livid. And even though she's scared, she's trying to calm Hakuba down. She came back, even after I hurt her like that. I stare at the bruised skin on her throat, disgust clawing at my skin. I did that to her.
Her eyebrow twitches and she reaches for the handle and shuts the door again, muffling their hushed voices. I stare at it blankly.

Not much later, the door opens again and Hakuba walks in. He looks calm, but I can tell that it's just a facade.
He looks down at me, shakes his head, sighs. Then he hauls me up and leans me against the wall, when he sees that I'm not going to stay upright on my own.
"Kuroba. What the hell. Explain. Now."
He's not yelling, but the way he bites the words out makes it clear enough what he thinks about me right now. I can't blame him.
I can't even look him in the eyes when I tell him what happened. It's pathetic.
"I woke up and someone was in my room. I thought that .. I don't know, someone broke in or something and I just reacted. I know … I know, okay? You don't have to tell me..." what a despicable human being I am.

Hakuba let's out a loud breath, but when I finally look at him, he looks a little less angry.
"Show me your hands." he demands and I hold them up. The blood has dried and started to crust, dark red and brown scabs forming around the pink circles of raw skin.
He shakes his head again, but he takes my hands and inspects them. "Do you have a first aid kit somewhere?"
"In the bathroom."
Hakuba asks Aoko to get it and I hear her retreating footsteps.
"Seriously, Kuroba. What is going on with you?"
I wrench my hands from his grip and lean away from him. "Nothing."
I'm trying to sound casual, but I have trouble getting my voice under control. There's just a slight tremble, but I know that Hakuba doesn't need more than that.
"I don't believe you. … She's worried, you know. About you."
I shake my head, but I'm not sure what I'm disagreeing with.
"She doesn't have to be. I'm fine."
I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine. Maybe, if I repeat if often enough, I'll start believing it.

Hakuba snorts. The undignified noise sounds weird coming from him. "Yeah, right."
Despite what I think, he doesn't prod further, just gives me this calculating look. Like he's not sure if I'm going to attack him next.
I'm not a wild animal.

Thankfully, Aoko returns with the first aid kit before the uncomfortable silence can stretch too long, but she keeps her eyes fixed on Hakuba. She's avoiding me.
I don't protest when Hakuba starts cleaning my hands, but I can't hold back the wince when the antiseptic wipe meets my raw skin. Aoko mumbles something about making tea and recedes to the kitchen.
I have a feeling that Hakuba hasn't said everything and I'm proven right. He starts to open a package with sterile gauze pads, bu then sets it aside and looks at me with a serious expression.
"I have to be honest, Kuroba. You've done a lot of things that I don't approve of, but this .. this has gone too far. I've turned a blind eye before in favor of our … companionship. I can't look away any longer, I can't condone this. What were you thinking? Even if you thought someone broke into your house, I wouldn't have taken you for someone who would turn to such violent methods."
"I wasn't thinking." I mutter.
"Still-" Hakuba starts, sighs, shakes his head. "Just rinse your hands off under the warm water."

Glad to have an excuse to get away from him for a moment, I stand up and make my way into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I turn on the water and hold my hands under the steady stream, clenching my teeth at the pain. Why is Hakuba even … it's not his problem. I am not his problem, yet here he is, cleaning my wounds and trying to talk sense into me. Why is he even here?
Aoko must have asked him to come … I knew they'd gotten closer over the years, but I hadn't realized just how close. I used to be the person she went to whenever something was wrong. Then again, she can't very well come to me when I'm the thing that's wrong.
My eyes travel from my hands to the mirror above the sink, scrutinizing my own reflection. The dark circles under my eyes, the even messier than usual hair, the sunken in cheeks, decorated by a smear of blood where I wiped away my tears. And there's something wrong with my eyes. I can't put my finger on what it is exactly, but something is different.
I shake my head, bringing myself back to the present moment, and turn off the water. That should be enough. I go back to my room, where Hakuba is waiting, and sit down on the bed. He takes the chair from my desk and sits down in front of me, a gauze pad and a tube with antibacterial ointment already in his hand.

I hold out my own hand wordlessly and he uses the gauze to spread the ointment, before placing the pad over my knuckles.
"Hold it there for a second." he commands and stands up again to get the rest of the first aid supplies.
Once he's back in the chair, he stars rolling a bandage around my hand.
"What was that about anyway?" he asks, jerking his head towards the blood stained wall.
I shrug. "I don't know."
His eyes search for mine, but I avoid them until he gives up and focuses on my hand again.
"You know you're talking to a detective, right Kuroba?"
A bolt of anger shoots through me, but I suppress it. "It was nothing."
I can feel his grip tightening for the fraction of a second.

"Right, nothing." his voice is dripping with sarcasm. "Do you want to know what I think, Kuroba?" I certainly don't, but it doesn't seem like he cares about that. "I think you were angry at yourself, because you hurt someone you care deeply about. I think you keep your emotions bottled up until you can't hold them in any longer and then you lash out. I think you're neither sleeping nor eating well. And I think what happened to your mother has changed you – and how could it not? But it's more than that, isn't it?-" He shakes his head and his tone shifts from a objective observation to a worried friend. "-Honestly, Kuroba, I can't even imagine what it must have been like, but I'm worried about you. And so is Aoko-kun. Do you know how often our conversations revolve around you? I don't understand him. He canceled our plans again. He just up and left without telling me why. He's always doing that and I don't know why. Does he not like me anymore? Something's going on with him, but he won't talk to me. I don't know what to do – Those are just a few things I've had to listen to over and over again, and I've lost count of how many times she came to me crying about you being an idiot." He interrupts his little speech to secure the bandage and takes out another gauze pad, turning his attention to my other hand. My mind is reeling and I really hope he's finished soon, because I don't know how much longer I can stand this. Listening to him telling me all the things I don't want to hear, even when I know they're true.

Hakuba lets out a loud sigh, signaling he's about to continue his monologue.
"I know you've never been the type to share your feelings, always hiding behind that Poker Face of yours, but I think it would be good if you talked to someone. "
I almost laugh. Aoko gave me an eerily similar speech a few months ago. I mean, she even dragged me to a therapist. Not that it did any good. But I really don't need a repeat performance of that.
"I can understand that you're angry, but I feel like it's getting out of control. You're lashing out at anyone who comes too close, and if no one's there, you're turning that anger against yourself. It's not healthy."

He looks at me, worry and sympathy lining his face, but there's also an edge to his expression, something that tells me that he's dead serious. "But I won't stand by and watch as you hurt Aoko-kun. I've been keeping quiet for far too long. And now you've taken things even further and hurt her physically. How far are you willing to let this go? When will you see that you need help?"
He stops talking, almost making me think that he's finally done, but then he takes a deep breath and continues.
"I don't know what exactly is going on with you, I have a feeling that there's more than just what happened to your mother. Whatever it is, you should either talk to someone or resolve it on your own, but until you do that .. maybe it would be better if you kept your distance from Aoko-kun. I care about both of you and it pains me to see you both hurt, but there's only so much I can do."

The truth hurts. That's why people try to avoid it so often. But you can't outrun it, you can't hide from it. Eventually it will find you and punch you in the face. Sometimes it comes in the form of a British detective.

"You're right." I don't know what else to say. He's right about everything. I don't know if it's because he's a good detective or because he knows me too well – or because my Poker Face isn't as good as it used to be -, but every single word he spoke was true to the core. No, actually, there's one thing he got wrong. I don't need help. I can deal with his mess alone.
Hakuba finishes up bandaging my left hand and looks up, and I'm surprised to see that he's surprised.
"What?"
"You agree? Just like that? I'm sorry .. I just thought you would-"
"I would what? Disagree? Protest? Defend myself? .. Why bother, when you're telling the truth and we both know it."

He shakes his head. Eloquent Hakuba lost for words. Who thought I'd ever see the day. Maybe he's run out of them after his little speech.
"So, what are you going to do?" he asks, sitting back in the chair and fixing me with an expecting look.
"I'll leave her alone. I won't see her, I won't talk to her, I won't call or text her."
I've tried to stay away from her before, but .. I couldn't do it. I'm weak like that. I told myself that I only stay close to her to make sure she's okay, but it's just another lie. The truth is that I can't stand being without her. But Hakuba is right. Whatever I do, it's hurting her and it's not fair. Especially after today. Maybe I have to remove myself from her life completely. Maybe that's the only way. It might kill me, but at least she'll be safe from me.

Hakuba stares at me, his expression a mix of confusion and disbelief.
"What?" I snap, anger bubbling up inside of me. Isn't that what he wanted to hear?
It's as if he reads my thoughts.
"That's not what I want, Kuroba. I want to see her happy and, truth be told, I don't know if she will be without you."
"Well, it's not much of a choice, is it?! You said-"
He shakes his head, cutting me off.
"It doesn't matter what I said. What matters is that you do the right thing. Maybe if you told us what's going on, we could help you-"
"No. There's nothing you can do."
"So I was right. It's not just about your mother, something else isgoing on." He sounds just a little bit triumphant, but I could smack myself for my stupidity. He got me riled up and careless and I slipped up.
"There's nothing you can do, because there is nothing something needs to be done about."
I say it even though I know it won't fool Hakuba.

"What did you get yourself into, Kuroba? This has nothing to do with .. you know, right?"
He means KID. This has everything and nothing to do with KID. But I wonder why he doesn't say it outright. Him accusing me of being KID isn't exactly a new thing. Maybe he's afraid Aoko will come up and overhear. Not that that has ever stopped him before.
I shake my head.
"No, it has nothing to do with it, or no, it has to do with it?" he asks for clarification.
"Nothing has anything to do with anything."

"Good Lord, Kuroba!" Hakuba stands up and takes two large steps away, before turning back around to face me. "What is the matter with you? Aoko-kun is scared and worried sick, and I'm trying to help you here! Can you please drop the tough guy act? It's insufferable!"

I stand up as well, the frustration and anger finally boiling over. "This has nothing to do with being tough! But there's nothing you can do and it would be best for everyone if you'd just drop it! Just .. let it go."

I turn on my heel and rush out the door, scared of what I might do to him if I stayed. But I forgot about Aoko and I run smack into her at the bottom of the stairs. Tea cups go flying around us, crashing to the floor in pieces and dripping scalding hot tea.

Just .. great.

"You okay? Aoko? I'm sorry, I didn't see you-"
"BAKAITO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!"
Suddenly she's on top of me, pounding my chest with curled fists. Hot tears drop on my face.
I try to grab her wrists, but she wrenches free and continues hitting me.
I can hear Hakuba's footsteps drawing closer upstairs, drawn by the commotion we're creating.
"FIRST YOU- YOU- YOU ATTACK ME AND THEN YOU CAN'T EVEN OPEN YOUR EYES AND WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! YOU'RE SUCH A JERK! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

The worst part about this whole scene is that I start laughing because 'jerk' is the worst insult she comes up with. And that's a really jerky thing to do.

"Aoko!"

She's pulled away from me, but she struggles and fights Hakuba with all she's got. I swallow my laughter and get back on my feet.

"Aoko! Calm down, please!"

When did she become just 'Aoko'? She was 'Aoko-kun' when he was talking to me – was he just being polite? Or did he drop the honorific in the heat of the moment? It's probably not the right time to wonder about that, but I can't help it. Or the jealousy that follows.

Hakuba glares at me while he pulls Aoko outside. The front doors shuts behind them and I'm left alone between the broken pieces of my mother's favorite tea service. How fitting. I'm right where I belong. With the trash.

The door opens again and I look up, startled. How long has it been? It couldn't have been more than a few minutes.

Hakuba steps inside. He's alone. And he looks furious.

"I can't believe you, Kuroba. I really can't. After what you did to her earlier, she stood on my doorstep, bawling and devastated. And when she told me what had happened, I didn't want to believe her. The Kuroba I knew wouldn't have done something like that. He had some odd quirks for sure and wasn't exactly a morally outstanding citizen – but he never would have attacked his best friend. Except there was a bruise to prove it. And you know what? She was worried about you. You hurt her in every possible way, and all she could think about was what was wrong with you. She practically begged me to come with her, because she was scared to go alone, but she wanted to come back anyway. To make sure you were okay. Can you believe that? I can't. You certainly don't deserve it. I've tried to reason with you, tried to help you, but you made it clear that you don't want my help. I'm done here. Stay away from her."

He doesn't even give me a chance to answer, just turns around and leaves. I don't know what to think. He's so right. The truth fucking hurts but you can't deny it. It's ultimate.
I sit down on the stairs and put my face in my hands.

Great job, really fucking well done. How to lose your friends 101

How did my life become .. this?

Upstairs, my phone starts ringing and, despite the urge to stay right where I am and feel sorry for myself, I force myself to get it. Because I know who that ringtone belongs to.
It's Snake.

A/N: As always: thanks for reading and reviews would be very much appreciated. I hope you have a good day. Much love!