Song: All I need – Within Temptation
OR
Song: Memories- Within Temptation (I prefer this one ;) )
OR
Song: Blue eyes- within temptation (It reminds me of Will and Tessa but for this chapter I'm not sure but give it a try anyway.)
This chapter is from Jem's POV.
I think Jem's love for Tessa is like an unfinished symphony, their friendship could have become a love story but it didn't because Will came in. (just a thought I felt like sharing)
Misty morning comes again and I can't
help but wish I could see your face- Taylor Swift.
Wilted Flower
I still remember the summer winds and how they caused the flowers to whisper, the leaves to sing and sway. I still feel the warm and intoxicating smell of wildflowers that prettied the many gardens and once again I see the birds on wing, imagine the laughter that used to echo across these great halls of the institute. Now it is silent and cold like a corpse, the huge halls dark and gloomy. I breathe heavily, the air escaping my mouth hanging in mid-air, shape shifting like some mysterious and magical element. It is chilly in here.
"Jem, what are you doing? Charlotte has been looking for you…" a silvery voice calls out.
"Jess…" I say turning to face her "I was merely reminiscing. It gives me some kind of peace to do so."
A look of disdain crosses her lovely face. "Reminiscing! Now we would all love to wallow in the past, wouldn't we? But then the drop to reality is very cruel, so I think it is wiser to consider the present our bitter friend."
I grin. "Words of wisdom from Miss Lovelace! I shall never forget this moment."
She scoffed before a look of sadness touched her dainty features. "Tessa is awake now, if you would like to see her."
"Good. I hope she is feeling better."
It has been two months since Will has left; that means two months of searching for him, following every lead I get. The silent brothers or any shadowhunter won't help so I have to work alone. This also means two months of torture and agony for Tessa who hides her unpleasant feelings remarkably well. Not one person has failed to notice how the sadness has dimmed her bright and blissful eyes, reduced her healthy body to a pitifully thin state. However, she refuses to talk about her pain, claiming with a smile that out of sight is out of mind. I take a deep breath, as if about to go under water, before making my way to the infirmary.
"Will you eat something now? Look at you! Body as thin as a twig. Well?" Charlotte demanded, hands on her hip.
"Very well, if you insist." Tessa complied meekly.
Our Sophie stands at the side, holding a tray with a bowl of hot chicken soup.
"That soup smells delicious and if Tessa refuses that, Sophie, I would like you to feed it to me. I adore your cooking" I say as I walk through the door and stop at a large white bed.
Hot blood stains Our Sophie's porcelain cheek and Tessa pouts.
"I adore your cooking too, Sophie. It's just…I feel like I might throw up anything I eat."
"Come now, a little food will not do you any harm, especially food which Our Sophie has cooked. Trust me." I say and smile.
"Our Sophie" has become the name for our maid here. Charlotte had always seemed to be with Sophie these past two months; talking to her, taking her out and they became closer to friends than maid and mistress. Jessamine grew angry at this new found friendship because she became more lonely seeing as Tessa understandably spent more time reading books than anything else. One day, when Charlotte and Sophie were leaving to a tea party, Jessamine had walked up to Sophie, pulled her by her hand and said "You have to come help me pick a dress for tomorrow's ball which is held at the spring stone Manor. It is very important. I must look my best." When Charlotte had intervened, saying they were getting late for the tea party with some women who had just arrived from Idris, Jess had said haughtily "Sophie is not yours. She is meant to serve everybody, me, Jem, Tessa and Henry so stop keeping her to yourself." Since then it was not Sophie but Our Sophie. Tessa still prefers Sophie, but sometimes when our maid has worked hard to do something she always compliments her saying "Our Sophie is the most skilled with her hands."
Tessa then smiles back at me, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Her face looks flushed, her eyes alert and bright. Magnolia white face, rose lips and grey eyes; how could any woman be so beautiful. I look away from her gaze, suddenly very self-conscious. Charlotte looks worried, her hand fluttering to the base of her neck now and then. I sense something is not right but I still smile, and sit at the edge of Tessa's bed. She reluctantly accepts the tray from Sophie, takes a deep breath and her face pales to an almost bluish hue.
"Oh dear God! The smell…I can't have this soup. Sophie I am terribly sorry but…"
"It is alright Miss, No hard feelings…" Our Sophie replies, gently reclaiming the tray from Tessa's hands.
"Well, in that case, it is best if you get some rest now. Maybe you will feel better when you wake up. Our Sophie will be by your side almost always so if you need anything you know who to ask." Charlotte advised her voice strangely strained and weak.
Tessa lay back down on her side and pressed her face to the pillow. Nobody but I noticed the two small tears that shine in the corner of her big cat like grey eyes. Charlotte motions for everyone but Our Sophie to leave quietly. I stand up, walk closer to Tessa and smooth back the silky strands of hair from her face. She flushes a dark cherry shade before glancing up at me. Made brave by those unmoving tears I bend down and whisper "It will all be okay, I promise." She just nods and I smile before making my way out of the infirmary, my heart suddenly feeling like lead. It never failed to amaze me how easily Will could throw away what should be dearest to him and yet managed to get them back when he wished. Would he ever get Tessa back? Oh Will, if you were here to see how she is drowning in misery without you. Did you not think twice before you decided to crush a heart that was built from torn emotions to begin with? Suddenly I feel a vicious fury in my chest, directed not only against my best friend but myself; at my pathetic life that slips away as the clock ticks. What can I do for Tessa? I cannot even make the woman I love smile. I want to make her happy but I cannot. I am not Will. My hands turn to fists as I try to calm myself down.
"Jem, Are you alright?" Charlotte asks in a weary tone.
"Yes" I say hoarsely.
She looks older than her years, as if the bleakness of the past two months has eroded the peace and joy that kept her face pleasant and body filled with boundless energy. Her hand now rests on the stone wall as she gazes at me with concern.
"Well, I have some…news. Whether it is bad or good, I will leave for Tessa to decide."
"What? What happened? Is it about Will?" I ask feeling the panic heavy in my voice.
"No…well it concerns Will but clearly he is not concerned about any one here" she said bitterly.
"What is it, Charlotte?"
'Tessa is…well…she is with child."
I simply stare at her, my mind blank of any thoughts. What should I say to that? Should I feel sad, angry, jealous…does it matter when all I feel is empty?
"Oh…that is surprising." I say feeling foolish for some reason.
"I haven't said a word to anyone but you. Brother Enoch is aware of course, he was the one who realized that Tessa would be expecting. He had come in to check on her health seeing she was so poorly and well… the silent brothers can sense the presence of anything that is not completely nephilim. The other silent brothers will not be too happy about this…a child between a downworlder and a shadowhunter! I don't know what kind of a creature…" she stopped abruptly, as if even thinking about it made her shiver. "Also, Tessa is not exactly the typical downworlder…I don't know what to do… Jem, I was wondering if-"
"If I could tell Tessa the news?" I ask.
"Yes, please. I just cannot do it…cannot tell her that some strange creature is forming inside her!"
"We do not know that for sure. It could be perfectly fine for all we know. But if you wish me to tell her then fine, I shall do it."
"Thank you." She said and walked away towards her office mumbling something about a meeting with the clave.
I stand here alone, a dark tornado in my heart. I had agreed to tell Tessa but how should I do it. It was hardly appropriate for me to inform her of this considering I had nothing to do with it. As I stand here, submerged in unpleasant thoughts, the sharp sound of something smashing takes me running back into the infirmary. Tessa is sitting on her bed and gives me a sheepish smile.
"Sorry Jem, I moved to take a glass of water but the glass slipped and…"
"I see…it is alright. You should have just asked Our Sophie to help you. Where is she?" I ask as my racing heart calms and I move towards her side to pick up another glass to fill with water.
'Oh…I asked her to leave. You see, she looked terribly tired and it took me great energy to persuade her to go so…"
I grin. "So you do not want me pestering you for any further explanation and wasting anymore of your energy?"
She flushed a lovely roseate. "Oh no! I was just going to say that… please don't ask her back until she has had proper rest herself."
"Alright then, your wish is my command, Miss gray."
She managed a laugh. Then almost instantly her face slipped back to the indifferent expression she had skilled herself to carry since Will had gone. A few moments of unnerving silence followed and I decide I have to break the news to her one way or other. Something cold settles in the pit of my stomach increasing my nervousness. How should I do this without hurting her? Then it occurs to me that she might be well past hurt, maybe nothing could crush or shock her anymore.
"Tess…I have something to tell-"
"Please don't call me that." She asks controlling the fury in her voice.
I wince inwardly before carrying on.
"Okay…Tessa; there is something you should know. This might be hard to take but it is important."
She sits there silently, somehow making me feel foolish. My choices of words aren't the best.
"Do go on, what is it?"
Not sure how make it sound less surprising, I decide to say it plainly. "You are with child." The silence that follows is as loud as a roaring engine. "This is good news if you think about it since previously you were considered sterile." I add quickly and regret it immediately. Somehow it sounded awful to my ears.
I hold my breath waiting for her to speak and she does nothing less than surprises me with her response.
"I know…I knew even before anyone did. I felt it you know, something forming inside me…"
"That's maternal instinct, I would guess" I say gently.
She did not speak for a while after that, her eyes focusing on the wall ahead as I wait, my heart turning violently in my chest now and again. Then she slowly moved her hand up to the necklace with the clockwork pendant and twisted it between her fingers.
"I never thought…this…would happen but" and she stopped abruptly. She twisted her pendant with more speed now, a thoughtful expression on her face.
"Tessa, I can imagine how hard this for you but you are strong and I know you are going to make it through."
She turned then, and stared at me with a look of confusion. It was as if she had forgotten who I was or what was happening. Then as if she had realized something she turned back to stare at the wall ahead of her.
"Tessa…" I pronounced her name softly for I felt any more than a whisper might hurt her in some way. Maybe behind this front of an iron willed person was a girl screaming and crying in her heart. An unexpected rush of affection causes me to rest my palm on hers.
"You think you can understand how I feel." She asked, her voice brittle and tone so severe I drew my hand back. "You think you know how it feels to be betrayed and humiliated by someone you love, do you? Do you know, James Carstairs?" she almost shouted.
"No, not quite" I answer plainly.
She seemed satisfied with my response and quietened down for a moment.
"I…had a dream yesterday" she started still staring ahead, twisting the necklace between her fingers with even more speed. "It was about a little girl."
"What happened in the dream?"
"There was a deep pit, filled with fire and boiling blood. The little girl was drowning in it, screaming continuously for someone to save her. She screamed and shouted until her throat was raw. Finally, when she decided to give up and accept her fate she saw a light; a brilliant and beautiful light. It was far away, very high compared to the depth of despair this girl was in. But she knew there was hope. The climb out was gruesome and terribly hard but the girl did not give up. Her knees were bloody, elbows bruised, face dirty and sweaty but she kept going. And as she neared the light, she looked down to see that the blood and fire were far below her. She decided that if she had come this far, she must be strong. When eventually she got out she saw for the first time that this mesmerizing light came from a pair of big, white and enchanting wings; the wings of a ravishingly beautiful boy. He looked terribly sad and broken and the girl thought she saw something of her in him, so she ran and flung her arms around him. Around them lay many pits, with dead people, rotten bones, decaying flesh-a large necropolis. They both hugged and the boy suggested that they should fly away together from this god forsaken place. The girl agreed happily and felt wonderful as the boy swept her off her feet and carried her away. They flew high, so very high. They soared the highest skies. The girl had never known such happiness before. Just as she was overwhelmed with joy, the boy smiled at her viciously. She seemed confused but soon realized that his arms were slipping away from her. She screamed and held onto him for her dear life but he let go…let go and watched her fall back into the necropolis and this time into an even deeper pit. The girl saw the boy while she fell, his mighty wings spread as he floated in mid-air. She wondered why he would do something so cruel to her. Just as her body hit the roasting fires, she realized that she had been stupid. Nobody could fight fate, and she had been foolish enough to think life would hold something better for her. Tears slid down her face as her body burnt .She had been falling in love with the boy but now she was only falling apart."
I sit here speechless, a lump settled in my throat. What could I say when I know well who the little girl represented. It was Tessa. Had it truly been so painful, falling in love with Will? I know that the pit with fire and blood was when Tessa's brother had betrayed her, Agatha had died and she had no family left. She had also found out she was a downworlder- a creature born off hell. I know that the light was Will, which I think is ironic because his life was dark, perhaps more than mine. Falling in love with him when he constantly broke her heart with one word or a simple action must have been agonising. But when she had crossed the distance between them, their happiness had been short lived and before long Will had let her go, allowed her to fall into the abyss of despair. Not sure how to comfort this sad girl in front of me, I stand up and ask her to rest well before I leave. As I walk out with a heavy heart, a bleak realization dawns on me. If Tessa saw only Will as her hope and light, then where did I fit in? Was I not dependable enough even as a friend? Did she simply not know how much I cared for her? I stop, turn and walk back to Tessa. She is staring outside the window, a distant look on her face.
"Tessa, I must say something."
She turns slowly and gives me a weary look.
"Please, just hear me out. The little girl did fail to notice something."
She blinks at me. "What?"
"She was so distracted by the beautiful boy that she did not see the one who stood by his side, quietly, waiting for the girl to notice him. You never noticed me…Tessa, did you?"
A look confusion before surprise claims her. "Why Jem! I have never ignored you, have I?"
I smile sadly. "No, you just did not notice the me who wanted you so much; wanted to caress your cheek, laugh and hold your hand, do the simple things you and Will did… My affections for you are much deeper than friendship."
"Jem…I cannot deal with-"
"I can take care of you. I have little life left but I want to be of help in some way to you. Please let me show you that I can love you as much as you want to be loved."
She stares at me, stunned at my forwardness.
"Jem…I don't-" she started painfully.
"I know…I know you do not feel the same way about me as I do about you but all I ask is for you to accept my help, at least as a friend. You cannot live alone being pregnant and I…wish to take you away from here. The silent brothers will be engulfing you like an amoeba with questions, poking in to your mind. They will be interested in what kind of a child you will birth and it will be frustrating, maddening. Let us leave here and I promise you will not regret it."
Looking at her face I know this is too much for her to take right now, so I ask her to think about it and before she can reply I leave. A new kind of hope fills me. I want to give Tessa happiness for I am eager to see her smile again. I want to show her that life has something amazing and wonderful waiting only for her. I shall put all bitter feelings behind me. She was a bright and lovely flower that is wilted now but I want to water it and love it, nourish it to grow and return to its beauty.I am sure it will grow. What time I have left, I can spend with someone I know I love, so much so that I would like to spoil her with all good and blissful things. I only hope her answer is, yes.
