Chapter Four

Ste's POV

I had started today feeling pretty happy and I felt like I was finally getting my life on track. Me and Noah had finally, well, ya know.

It was different, very different if I'm honest, from what it was like with Brendan. There wasn't the passion or intensity but I don't think that's a bad thing. It was just nice, kinda like how it should be I guess, people sharing something intimate because they both wanted to. There was no fear of saying the wrong thing, of worrying about someone catching us or thinking soon as it was over I should go before being told to leave.

I wont lie, afterwards I felt a little strange and I curled up pretending to be worn out from the activity and faking sleep until I heard Noah's steady breathing. I relaxed a little knowing he was asleep and lay on my back looking at the ceiling. So I had done it, slept with another man. I felt a pain in my chest at that thought, at knowing there was no coming back from this now ,me and Bren were over proper now. It was official, to me anyway, he was still god knows where so he didn't know about me and Noah, not that he would care.

I felt a pang of guilt at that still but there was part of me that was starting to feel happy about the direction my life was moving in. Amy and I were on good terms again, it was still early days but Noah was a really great guy and so far things were going well and coming out had been so much easier than I thought, everyone had been so accepting and supportive. I turned on my side and felt my eyes lids drooping into sleep as I smiled to myself about how good life was getting.

Noah woke me with coffee and toast in bed, I don't think anyone had ever done that for me before it was so unexpected that the coffee and toast ended up going cold as we started to explore each other all over again but this time by daylight. We spent all morning in bed chatting and fooling around but by lunch I was starving so we got showered (separately I might add, still couldn't think of us doing that together) and dressed and headed to the SUbar.

We walked hand in hand down the steps into the village chatting about silly things when we bumped into Ethan, outside Look Sharpe! Ethan seemed like a nice guy and tried to bring me into conversations when we had met before but today he was chatting to Noah about some fitness machine thing and I had no idea what they were on about so I stood holding Noah's hand smiling to myself until something caught my eye.

Someone walked out from Chez Chez onto the balcony, despite the glare from the sun I knew instantly it was Brendan. Even If my eyes didn't know it was Brendan my heart did, the pain in my chest was instantaneous. I was stuck to the spot staring at him and part of me was willing him to look at me. He was stressed, I could tell, he was rolling a glass back and forth in his hands. I thought back to the text I had sent him and wondered if that was why he was back…

My breath caught in my throat and heart starting pounding in my chest as he turned to look at me. I wanted to look away, make out I hadn't been staring at him but I couldn't. I couldn't tear my eyes away. It was like there was this invisible force pulling me towards him, I dropped Noah's hand, I don't think he even noticed. I started to take a step towards Bren but he shook his head from side to side, for a second I thought I had misunderstood until he turned him back on me and walked inside. I felt like such an idiot, I'm glad I had turned away from Noah because there was no way the devastation I felt in my heart wasn't visible on my face.

I'd been kidding myself. I wasn't the one moving on, not when seeing him from a distance could make me feel this way, not when my heart still felt this pain this longing. Him on the other hand, he'd moved on, he'd just walked away from me as if I didn't exist and it hurt.

My phone started vibrating in my pocket and for a second there was a surge of hope until I looked down and saw it was Amy calling. I moved away from Noah and Ethan who were still chatting away as if I didn't exist 'Hi Ames, what's up' I asked wearily. I could tell straight away something was wrong, Amy told me that Mike had had a fall and needed her to help him for a couple of days, She'd be leaving at 4pm and needed me to look after the kids on my own for a few days.

To be honest I was glad of the distraction, it would be good to be focused on the kids, stop these thoughts about Brendan going round my head. I told Amy not to worry I was just going to grab some lunch and then I would be home.

Noah and I went for lunch and he chatted away about work and Ethan and pranks they had got up to over the year, Noah talked a lot, I was starting to notice that, but for me, today, it was a godsend, my head was all over the place. I was about to head home when Noah said he was going to call in work and check the rota when it suddenly occurred to me that I was supposed to be working at Chez Chez tonight. I ended up walking back to the village with Noah, gave him a quick kiss goodbye and headed for the staff entrance of the club.

I climbed the stairs and saw Cheryl leaning over the bar chatting to Brendan who was sat down

'Ste!' she called as she saw me climbing the stairs ' look who the cat dragged in eh' she said nodding her head towards Brendan.

I looked down and started fiddling with the cuffs of my hoodie 'Yeah so I see, good news eh? I'm really sorry about this Cheryl but Amy has had to go away so I'm not going to be able to work tonight, is that going to be a problem?'

'It shouldn't be love, let me go check the rota' she said practically bouncing off to the office.

'She's happy' I said as Brendan stood up and turned towards me

'Yeah' he said pausing and chewing his gum 'we're working through some stuff but its all good'

I took a step closer to him ' I … um glad you're back. Did you get my mess….' I started to say but we were interrupted by Mitzeee who came up the stairs and practically threw herself at Brendan.

'Where the hell have you been?' she said hitting him on his arm with her handbag after hugging him. 'I've been worried, not to mention I haven't exactly been busy with work what with my manager just taking off'

Brendan had mocked pain and alarm at first before grinning, yes grinning back at Mitzeee.

'Well funny you should say that, I just so happen to have a job for you, wont you walk this way and I'll tell you more' he said as he took her hand, spun her in a circle as if they were dancing and headed to the office with her as Cheryl came out walking and talking with a clipboard in her hand.

'Don't worry Ste, Jacqui is back tonight so things will be fine here. Bren and I are off out so Warren is here and Mitzeee has actually been making herself useful lately so don't you worry about it and let me know if you need any help with the kids'

I nodded feeling relieved I didn't have to worry about my shift tonight but at the same time I couldn't help the feeling of jealousy wrapping itself round my heart and before I knew it I found myself asking 'they back on then?' and nodding my head towards the office. Cheryl laughed in a kinda nervous crazy way before telling me that Mitzeee and Warren were together and Bren was fine with that he was just being a good friend to Mitzeee.

I told Cheryl I had to get back to the kids and headed back down the stairs feeling totally confused. This morning I felt on top of the world, like I had my whole future in front of me. Now I felt terrified that my past was leaving me behind, as if I never happened.

When I had first seen Bren up on the fire escape I couldn't help but wonder if it was the message I sent him that had brought him back. I couldn't deny part of me wanted that to be the case, that he came back for me, because I had asked him too.

I headed home to the kids hoping being able to just be daddy for a few hours would take my mind off this mess I found myself in.

I didn't get how I could want to be with two people so badly. And that was the crux of it. I wanted them both. Noah for his normality, his easygoingness, his acceptance. But Bren, well he was my first love and that means something doesn't it? It wasn't just physical thing either, don't get me wrong I could feel my whole body crave him, but there had been so much more to us than that, and as much as I hated what he did, it had bonded us together in a way that I may never feel with someone else.