EatATW – Chapter 4
Oh dear Supreme Being, I am sooo ridiculously sorry for the wait! Schoolwork and exams and trips to London (saw Les Mis and Phantom: best two evenings out EVER ;) ), plus a minor case of writer's block made it impossible to update this sooner. Thanks all for being so patient and thanks to SmileYou'reWicked, Theatre4Life, TheTreesAreFullOfStarlight-EE, and lemonsmania for their reviews and thanks to everyone who's added this story to their Favourites/Story Alerts. Cookies and barricade-shaped cake for you all :D
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Don't sue me. (I mean it. I've got 10 bored student revolutionaries on my side!)
Me: So, everyone gather!
All: ::gather round grumpily::
Valjean: Man! We hoped you'd forgotten about this!
Me: I'm aware of that VJ, but I didn't and we've got a small matter of business to attend to.
All: ::groan::
Bahorel: We hoped you'd forgotten about that too!
Combeferre: Is this approach really necessary?
Me: Javert, has your hat been returned?
Javert: ::wails::
Me: Then it's necessary.
Grantaire: It's a HAT! He just needs to grow a pair of –
Javert: ::sniffling:: K+.
Enjolras: Anyway, you can't talk Grantaire.
Grantaire: Huh?
Enjolras: Remember when Javert stole your absinthe?
Courfeyrac: Or when the writer stole your vest?
Enjolras: ::blushes::
Valjean: Okay! How come when I steal a loaf of bread, I get 19 years in prison, but
when the writer a vest or Whiskers steals a bottle of wine - which are more valuable, may I add – nobody cares!
Grantaire: I CARE!
Javert: ::sobbing:: I.. ::sniff:: am ... the law ::sniff:: And the law ::sniff sniff:: is NOT
MOCKED!
Cosette: He's heartbroken over his hat.
Valjean: YOU'RE NOT SIDEING WITH ME AFTER A TOOK YOU AWAY FROM THAT VILE
INNKEEPER!
Thenardier: Oi!
Cosette: He's heartbroken-
Valjean:My sister's child was close to death! I try to save us but what I GET... TO BECOME A SLAVE OF THE LAW FOR 19 YEARS AND AFTERWARDS GET HUNTED DOWN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
Cosette: ::Looks ready to cry::
Enjolras: Ex-
Javert: 5 YEARS FOR WHAT YOU DID THE REST BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO RUN!
Me: STOP IT!
Cosette: ::Cries::
::Marius and Fantine start a fight over who gets to comfort her::
Marius: She's my wife!
Fantine: She's my daughter who never got the chance to know me!
Marius: That's because you sold her to that rat of an innkeeper!
Thenardier: HEY!
Me: Enjy, I believe you were about to say something?
Enjolras: Yes, I was about to say that what happend to Valjean is exactly what we were fighting to stop!
Valjean: So it turns out I'd prefer to have you as a son over fluffy after all…
Marius: ::stops fighting with Fantine:: Hey! ::Cries::
Fantine: ::Now comforts both Cosette and Marius::
Me: ::Sigh:: Now that's over can we get back to the play
Grantaire: But I still don't have my wine!
Enjolras: THAT'S A GOOD THING!
Grantaire: ::sobs::
Fantine: ::Is now comforting Grantaire along with Marius and Cosette::
Javert: How come I don't get a hug?
Fantine: You were going to arrest me.
Javert: I WAS DOING MY JOB!
Me: NOW CAN WE GET BACK TO THE PLAY!
Joly: ::sneezes::
Me: Wait a minute. This sounds familiar… Have you guys been reading through my reviews?
All: Nope. ::whistle innocently::
Me: ::sigh:: You lot are FAR too easily distracted. And now I have to give credit. Excuse me a second. (A/N: Thanks to TheTreesAreFullOfStarlight-EE for this gem :) It was just too good not to use, so I hope you don't mind us borrowing it)
Montparnasse: May I suggest we get this over with?
All: ::stare in shock/horror::
Jehan: I can't believe you of all people are wanting to start work.
Montparnasse: ::shrugs:: Sooner we start, sooner we finish.
All: ::sighs of relief that Parnasse hasn't suddenly become a normal hardworking citizen::
Me: ::clears throat importantly:: So people, may I introduce you to...
Eponine: Is anyone else as scared as I am?
Feuilly: I know I am...
Me: People! I give you... Mary-Sue!Cosette and Marty-Stu!Marius!
::Everyone screams as they appear::
MS!Cosette: Where are we, Pookie?
MS!Marius: I-I don't know, sugarpuff...
MS!Cosette: Pookie, I'm scared!
MS!Marius: It's okay, honeybunny. I've got you.
Enjolras: Kill me now... Just kill me now...
National Guard Soloist: Really? You mean it?
Enjolras: It's a figure of speech!
Eponine: ::whispering:: Have they got glitter in their hair?
MS!Cosette: But of course! ::she swishes her hair:: And I've got absolutely perfect hearing, and I'm so pretty and popular and Marius loves me –
Eponine: Can I get permission to strangle her?
Me: No. This is a punishment and you are all going to take it.
All: ::groan::
MS!Marius: Besides, how can anyone not want to spend time with us? I mean, we're so adorable! I'm just like a teddybear!
Joly: Should their eyes be sparkling like that?
Bossuet: I'm really not sure...
Marius: Okay, my hair surely can't be that fluffy...
Cosette: But I'm the only me there is! There can't be two of me!
Gavroche: Are they gonna be staying for the rest of the fic?
Me: No.
All: ::sigh of relief::
Me: They'll be gone after this chapter.
All: ::cheer::
Me: If no one's returned Javert's hat or owned up to stealing it by then, I'll have to just write a Mary-Sue of someone else.
Grantaire: Okay! Can whoever it is just please give Javvie his hat back already?
Javert: If you call me Javvie one more time, I swear by the stars I'll...
Grantaire: Yeah yeah whatever. Go jump off a bridge.
All: ::gasp::
Bahorel: Oh… that was harsh, dude!
Javert: Have you no respect for authority whatsoever?
Enjolras: Annoying isn't it?
Jehan: If the ::gulp:: sweeter-than-normal Marius and Cosette are only going to be here for this chapter, may I suggest that we try and make it as short as possible?
Valjean: That is actually quite sensible...
MS!Cosette: I don't think they like us much, fluffwuddle.
MS!Marius: But we're awesomely epically adorable!
Me:... Are you wearing guy-liner?
MS!Marius: ::nods happily:: It brings out the hazel in my eyes.
Me: Okay then.
Thenardier: Look can we please just make them go away!
Enjolras: All those in favor of starting performing immediately and keeping this chapter as short as possible?
All: Aye!
Enjolras: Carried.
Me: Whoa whoa whoa! Who's the writer here?
All: ::grumble::
Me: Ahem?
All: ::unenthusiastically:: You are.
Me: So who's in charge?
All: You are.
Me: Good. Now. Plan of action. We start performing immediately and keep this chapter as short as possible.
Enjolras: ::gives me Glare-of-Death::
Me: What?
Enjolras: I'm not saying anything...
Valjean: OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!
Cosette: Daddy!
Thenardier: Well someone's got anger issues...
Valjean: Look! Can... we... PLEASE... start?
Me: But of course! Eponine?
Eponine: Right. Joseph's coat annoyed his brothers...
MS!Cosette: I can sing so much better than that.
MS!Marius: Of course you can, snookles.
Grantaire: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Bahorel: And not from alcohol...
Me: Guys!
Brothers: But what makes us mad
Are the things that Joseph tells us of
The dreams he's often had.
Enjolras: I dreamed that in the fields one day the corn gave me a sign.
Fantine: You mean like crop circles?
Jehan: THE ALIENS! THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED!
Bossuet: Now that's just embarrassing.
Enjolras: Your eleven sheaves of corn all turned and bowed to mine.
MS!Marius: But I'm the most popular!
Me: Marius vs Enjolras? Enjy always wins!
MS!Marius: But –
Me: Deal with it!
MS!Marius: Hmph!
Enjolras: My sheaf was quite a sight to see, a golden sheaf and tall.
Grantaire: ::giggles childishly:: Someone is clearly overcompensating here...
Enjolras: Oh grow up!
Grantaire: You love it really! ::gives him a hug::
Enjolras: Will you get off?
Grantaire: Nope.
Javert: K+! This is K+!
Me: Dudes!
::Grantaire reluctantly lets go of Enjy::
Enjolras: Yours were green and second-rate and really rather small!
Amis: Oi!
Me: ::facepalm:: You guys are reading far too much into this...
Brothers: This is not the kind of thing we brothers like to hear.
It seems to us that Joseph and his dreams should disappear!
Claquesous: Whoa! We're gonna kill this guy?
Me: No.
Claquesous: ...Oh.
Enjolras: I dreamed I saw eleven stars, the sun, the moon, and sky
Bowing down before my star, it made me wonder why.
Combeferre: No! When the revolution happens, we should all become equal!
Me: It's how the story goes.
Courfeyrac: Well it's not fair!
MS!Marius: And I'm the most popular!
Enjolras: Could it be that I was born for higher things than you:
A post in someone's government, a ministry or two!
Whoa, hold it! There is no way I would EVER start working for the government!
Javert: And there's no way the government would ever want a radical like you working for it!
Me: ::headdesk:: It... is... a... play!
Brothers: The dreams of our dear brother are the decade's biggest yawn.
His talk of stars and golden sheaves is just a load of corn!
MS!Cosette: Oh, that's clever!
Gavroche: Why?
MS!Cosette: Sheaves are corn. It's a pun.
Amis: ...'Les Amis de l'ABC' was a better pun.
MS!Marius: Oh you are so smart, hugglepuff!
Joly: Bucket! I need a bucket!
Brothers: Not only is he tactless but he's also rather dim,
For there's eleven of us and there's only one of him!
The dreams of course will not come true!
That is we think they won't come true.
That is we hope they won't come true...
What if he's right all along?
Courfeyrac: They're not exactly decisive, this lot, are they?
Brothers: The dreams are more than crystal clear; the writing on the wall
Means that Joseph someday soon will rise above us all.
Bahorel: Why is it always Enjy?
Me: Do you want me to repeat what I said about Enjy in chapter 1?
All: No!
Enjolras: ::looks incredibly hurt::
Me: I'll tell you later.
Enjolras: ::brightens::
Brothers: The accuracy of the dreams we brothers do not know,
But one thing we are sure about: the dreamer has to go!
Enjolras: Gee thanks.
Feuilly: Oh it's nothing personal.
MS!Cosette: ::screams::
All: What's happened?
MS!Cosette: I broke a fingernail, and it really really really really HURTS!
All: Oh.
MS!Marius: Oh, come here darling! Let me kiss it better!
Me: This is just horrible...
Javert: You created them.
Me: To get your hat back!
Javert: ::sniffles::
Grantaire: And you had to mention the hat!
Eponine: Well ready or not I'm starting now! Next day far from home,
The brothers planned the repulsive crime!
Brothers: Let us grab him now!
Do him in while we've got the time!
Javert: Conspiring to commit murder? I'll arrest the whole lot of you!
Me: Gah! I'm gonna say this one more time: IT'S... A... PLAY!
Eponine: This they did, and made the most of it:
Tore his coat and flung him in a pit!
Enjolras: ::from inside the pit:: Charming!
Me: Now aren't you glad you weren't wearing your vest?
Enjolras: ::sighs:: Yes, fine, alright.
Me: ::smugness::
Brothers: Let us leave him here
All alone, and he's bound to die!
Enjolras: Oh please don't! It stinks down here!
Eponine: When some Ishmaelites,
A hairy crew, came riding by.
Me: Oops… forgot about them…
Mme Thenardier: Typical…
Me: And for that, you can be an Ishmaelite.
Mme Thernardier: Why, you little – ::starts striding towards me with a large rolling-pin::
Me: AH! ::runs and hides behind Valjean::
Valjean: What on earth are you doing?
Me: …Hiding.
Javert: Duh!
Valjean: Oh go away!
Javert: I'll never go away!
Me: …O-kay… That's a little creepy.
Feuilly: Can we get on with this PLEASE!
Me: What's your problem?
Feuilly: ::ducking away from MS!Cosette:: She keeps trying to put daisies in my hair!
All: Oh god!
MS!Cosette: What? They're pretty! ::swishes her hair and bats her eyes:: Though not as pretty as me!
Me: Okay, so Mme Thernardier can be the Ishmaelite…
Mme Thenardier: ::death-glare:: I'll get you later, you little piece of –
Javert: K+! K+! K+!
Enjolras: Look can we hurry this up please? I'm not kidding when I say this pit stinks.
Combeferre: Actually that's not surprising…
Enjolras: What do you mean?
Combeferre: Well logically there would only be one main reason why there would be a pit in the middle of a desert…
All: ::think:: ::lightbulb moment:: Oh, gross!
Enjolras: And I sooo needed to know that(!)
Me: Okay! Brothers, go!
Brothers: Could you use a slave, you hairy bunch of Ishmaelites?
Young, strong, well-behaved, going cheap, and he writes.
Courfeyrac: Look, we're really sorry about this Enjolras.
Enjolras: Fine, fine, whatever! Just get me out of this hole!
Eponine: In a trice the dirty deal was done.
Silver coins for Jacob's favourite son.
MS!Marius: Wow! You guys are really really mean! Of course I would never ever dream of being so mean because I'm so handsome and adorable and sensitive and –
Me: We get the picture.
Enjolras: Wait. I've just been sold to her? ::indicates Mme Thenardier::
All: …
Enjolras: Sigh. How undignified!
Eponine: Then the Ishmaelites galloped off with a slave in tow –
Off to Egypt where Joseph was not keen to go.
It wouldn't be a picnic he could tell.
Enjolras: And I don't speak Egyptian very well.
Okay, I cannot believe this guy! He's been betrayed by his brothers, thrown into a pit full of who-knows-what, sold, and about to be carted off to Egypt, and he's worried about not speaking the language?
Me: ::shrug:: What can I say? Joe's one cool cucumber.
Grantaire: … You're weird.
Me: Look who's talking.
Grantaire: Oi!
Eponine: Ahem?
Me, Grantaire: Sorry.
Eponine: Thank you.
Joseph's brothers tore his precious multi-coloured coat.
Having ripped it up, they next attacked a passing goat.
Bossuet: Blimey! Have these guys got anger issues or what!
Joly: Ew! No! I'm not touching that goat! I don't know where it's been! It might be carrying diseases!
Valjean: …And this is a kids' show?
Me: I didn't write it!
Thenardier: We can tell.
Me: And what's that supposed to mean?
MS!Marius: Now now everyone. Conflict never solves anything.
All: Shut up!
MS!Marius: ::starts to cry::
MS!Cosette: Oh, wigglemuff! Don't cry!
Eponine: Moving swiftly on!
Soon the wretched creature was no more.
They dipped his coat in blood and guts and gore.
Enjolras: Excuse me, writer girl?
Me: Hm?
Enjolras: I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you in front of all these witnesses for making me swap my vest with that hideous coat.
Me: You're very welcome Enjy.
Enjolras: So can I have it back now?
Me: Nope.
Enjolras: Grr!
Fantine: We can't stop now! We've got four more lines left!
Eponine: Oh now brothers, how low can you stoop?
You make a sordid group. Hey, how low can you stoop?
Poor poor Joseph, sold to be a slave.
Situation's grave, hey, sold to be a slave.
Me: And cut!
All: ::loud cheer::
Me: Now, Javert. Has anyone said anything about the whereabouts of your hat and/or given said hat back?
Javert: ::sniffle::
Me: I'll take that as a no.
All: ::groan::
Me: So I'm afraid that next chapter we'll be joined by another Mary-Sue Mizzie!
All: ::groan and whine::
Me: Goodbye until then everybody! ::leaves::
MS!Cosette: Hey! She forgot about us!
MS!Marius: No one forgets us! We're the only two main characters left alive!
MS!Cosette: And we're so adorable!
All: ARGH!
Hehe, oops! Guess I'll have to update it soon before the normal Mizzies go insane :) You know the drill by now: please leave a review, and you get a cookie and barricade-shaped cake :D What could be better? Also, if anyone has any (ahem) particular preferences as to who the next MS!Mizzie should be, please include them in said review. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I promise you won't have to wait so long for the next one. This I swear by the stars! *dramatic music* So yeah.
