Hopeless, the Sad Fate of Nate Black: A Dumb Diary

June 14th, 2010 (11:15 PM)

Well, I messed up again today.

But I fixed it.

I think I should just apologize to Ella once a day.

It's just that after yesterday (when she avoided me and hung out with Wes) I'm not sure anyone can blame me for freaking out today. Okay, so they weren't actually doing anything, and Ella and I aren't dating (yet) but I still say it was only natural that I freak out.

I mean they were lying side by side on the pier, their hands were almost touching. To me they looked very friendly. And I didn't freak out until I realized how close their faces were. Ella turned her head to look at him and their faces were inches apart! If Wes had just leaned forward slightly they would have…

Not important.

Anyway, it was at that moment that I charged the pier and accused Ella of secretly dating him. And then demanded (BIG MISTAKE) that she come with me and away from Wes. After that I received a glare like no glare I have ever gotten in my life. I'm surprised I'm still breathing. Wes muttered apologies to Ella and excused himself. Smart guy that Wes. Unlike me.

Ella: WHAT the HELL was that?

Me: What?

Ella: You went all cave man!

Me: Well, what are you doing with HIM anyway?

Ella: He's my friend! Am I not allowed to have friends anymore?

Me: Friend? Ella, you've been flirting with him! You had lunch with him yesterday.

Ella blushed in embarrassment. I'd called her out, and she knew it.

Ella: I wouldn't have had lunch with him if YOU hadn't asked to take a break from being my friend! And, yeah, okay. I flirted with him. Why does that matter to you? I'm free to flirt with whoever I want!

I couldn't say anything in response. All I did was stutter. Ella huffed and stomped off.

Ella: You're not my boyfriend, Nate! And even if you were you had better not try to tell me who I can and can't be friends with! If you had bothered to look, you would have noticed that NOTHING was going on. We were talking.

Me: Exactly what were you talking about?

Ella didn't say anything but kept walking.

Ella: It doesn't matter! What matters is that you barged in and decided that I wouldn't be allowed TO talk to him. And if you EVER try to tell me what I can and can't do again, I WILL stop talking to you!

She quickly climbed the stairs outside of her cabin and turned to look at me when she reached the top. I really hate this next part.

Ella: I've had people telling me what to do and FEEL my entire life! My mom, my brother, Tess…I don't need YOU adding to that list, Nate! If you're NOT okay with that then feel free to walk away and never come back.

The look on her face as she turned and walked into the cabin is what killed me. It was a mixture of fury and heartbreak. I had a feeling this had to do with more than just my jealous rampage. The door closed and I immediately climbed the stairs to the porch and knocked.

I had to talk to her. I couldn't end the day with that image of her. I needed to see her smiling. I hadn't been trying to tell her how to feel…okay maybe I had just a little. But I just…I was being selfish.

In that moment I saw that. Ella didn't come to the door, but I knew she was inside. I started apologizing through the door. I was hoping she would hear me and come out. I hadn't been thinking about how my words and actions would hurt her. I was just focused on, well, keeping her for myself.

I stood at the door and apologized for several minutes. Every now and then I would add in a plea for her to open the door, and my breath caught in my throat when I saw the knob turn. The door opened…

And Caitlyn was on the other side. Caitlyn, who had spent most of the day hiding from all of us (thanks to Taylor), nodded and motioned me inside then she shoved Peggy and Mitchie out the door.

The door closed behind them and I remember feeling like we stood in silence forever. I decided to speak first.

Me: Ella, I would never tell you what to do or how to feel.

Ella hesitantly looked up at me, and the look on her face was livid.

Ella: But you did, Nate! You told me I shouldn't be dating him and then COMMANDED that I leave with you. You're not supposed to do that, Nate. You're supposed to be different. But you're not, are you? You're exactly the same.

Believe me when I say, that hurt. All I could think to do was gently grab her by the shoulders. She tried to squirm out, but I wasn't going to let her. I needed her to hear me.

Me: Ella, I'm sorry! Okay? I'm an insecure idiot. I didn't realize that what I was doing would hurt you so much. And…I am different. I am. I want you to be who you are. That's what I like about you. I don't want to control you, I promise. I just…I thought you had a crush on him or something.

Ella: and what if I had? Would that have given you the right to do what you did?

Me: No! But I wanted you to want to spend time with me. Is that so bad? I wanted you to have a crush on me.

Yes, I said that. I actually said that. I didn't hear myself saying it until it was already out of my mouth. Ella blinked at me with wide shocked eyes, and asked me to clarify what I had just said.

Me: I was afraid that you hanging out with him meant I would have less time with you. For the first time in a long time, I'm genuinely enjoying getting to know a girl. I wanted him to go away because he was stealing the time I could have had. It was wrong, but…I just wanted things to stay the same.

Ella: Then why did you ask to take a break from our meetings the other day?

Me: Because I knew I was eventually going to overreact about Wes. I thought if I took a step back from us that wouldn't happen.

Ella: So, I was right? You thought we were too close.

I chuckled at the small grin that came across her face. Even when we're arguing she can still take the time to gloat about being right.

Me: Yes, you were right.

Ella: And you wouldn't want to control me…or what I feel?

See, that was tricky. I would like her to feel for me what I feel for her, but would I want to force her to feel that?

Me: No, I don't want to control anything about you, and I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. From now on…if you want to hang out with Wes…I'll leave you alone.

The next thing I knew Ella's arms, which had been limply hanging by her side, were suddenly wrapped around me extremely tightly. She had closed her eyes and leaned completely into me. She hugged me. This was the first time she had ever hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her just as tightly. As soon as I closed my eyes I heard her speaking softly.

Ella: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for overreacting. I'm sorry for assuming that you were like every other person who's ever attempted to tell me who to be.

Me: I'm sorry for being jealous, and for making you feel like I would ever change who you are.

We pulled apart and I headed for the door when:

Ella: Nate?

Me: Yes?

Ella: For the record, I want you to have a crush on me too.

I nodded and I think I smiled at her. I may not know what my face looked like as I left but I know that I felt happier than I had in a very long time. I'm still feeling this happy hum in my chest. I've replayed her words over and over in my head.

Does that mean what I think it means?

Please, let it mean what I think it means.

I need to borrow your diary.

It's a JOURNAL. And why?

Because I'm freaking out.

Jason, you could just TALK to me about why you're freaking instead of borrowing my JOURNAL.

Oh, right.

I'm back. Jason apparently came very close to telling Caitlyn how he felt about her today. Caitlyn was down on herself about not seeing through Taylor and Jase just decided to tell her he thought she was beautiful. I'm sure it wasn't as random as it sounded when Jason tried to retell the story.

Seriously, how could Caitlyn ever have feelings for me while she's crushing on some idiot bass guitarist? But I thought…I mean I could have sworn she…

But no, she's got a thing for the Irish guy. I could be Irish if I wanted to be. It can't be hard to fake that accent.

It could be for you. You can't even fake a British accent.

Stupid Irish guy, with his…leprechauns, and…clovers and all that…green.

Really? You're reducing Ireland to St. Patrick's Day clichés?

I don't know much about Ireland, okay? Geez.

Jase, Caitlyn had a crush on the guy. She's not in love with him. Chill out. Besides you don't know that she doesn't have feelings for you. You've never told her that you have feelings for her.

Pot calling the kettle black, Nate.

Okay, yes, but I'm not the one FREAKING out right now.

You know, I bet she's going to throw herself into work tomorrow. She's going to take all of her Taylor angst and work herself to death on a new song. You watch.

Jason, just go to bed. Seriously, you can't do anything tonight even if you want to.

Fine, but I'm not gonna let Caity work herself sick over some jerk bass guitarist.

So, what? You're going to stalk her all day tomorrow?

If I have to. Yes.

Alright, well, you do what you need to do. I'm going to bed, and my journal is being put up…which means you can't write in it anymore.

Fine.

Oy.

Yes, I can write in it, Nate. Yes I can. Because you don't know how to hide your things very well. Mwahaha.

I should have bought myself a diary when I bought this one for Nate. I wouldn't be borrowing Nate's right now if I'd bought one for myself.

I just don't get it. I could have sworn Caitlyn was sending me pretty positive signals all summer. But thanks to this Taylor guy, I now see that I was wrong.

But that doesn't matter, because Caity is still, at the very least, my friend. I refuse to let her mope over Taylor all day tomorrow. If she's all wrapped up in writing and recording (like she was tonight) then I'm going to make sure she doesn't get carried away.

She and Mitchie were in the studio all night tonight. I don't know what they were working on, but after today it would have to be about Taylor, right?

Why Taylor? I've been paying more attention to her this summer than that guy. Taylor didn't go see her when she was sick. Still not sure what she was sick with, but regardless Taylor wasn't the guy cheering her up every night for a week. Did Taylor assure her that her Chococat pajamas were cute when she was clearly very nervous about any body seeing her in them? No, he did not. Did he let her hit him with an alarm clock? NO HE DID NOT.

Those were all ME. I'm the one that's been there for her all summer. I was the one there for her today. So…why Taylor?

Taylor. Every time I think that name I glare. How could one guy be SO STUPID? First he starts crushing on a girl that is CLEARLY TAKEN (by one of my best friends), and THEN he strings Caitlyn along. MY Caitlyn. I don't know if I can take being around this guy for the rest of the summer. I'm THAT disgusted with him.

As glad as I am that Caitlyn's still available…if he'd made a move on her at least I would know he was intelligent. But I don't even know that because he didn't see Caitlyn standing right in front of him.

IDIOT.

That's all there is to it. He's an idiot.

I'm going to bed before I break this pen and throw this diary across the room.

Yeah, Taylor makes me THAT mad. I don't know what I'll do if he causes drama for any more of my friends.

And Nate, don't kill me. I needed to vent.