heflkjllkashgkdsjkfj HI I'M NOT DEAD I PROMISE I JUST FAIL AT REMEMBERING TO DO THINGS.

*posts chapter, sits in corner and pets guitar*


Chapter Three

"… You're sure?"

"Yeah." Akira managed a weak smile. "I need some time to think."

"About what?"

Akira didn't answer, and Shirogane seemed to get the cue. "All right, Akira-kun. Be safe."

"Thank you, Shirogane."

The Shin king waved as Akira left – he watched the young man until he turned the corner out of sight. Then, slowly, he followed, tracing a similar path. However, his brought him to the door of a bar, which he opened and passed into.

"Good day, Shirogane," came Master's smooth voice.

"Same to you, Master." Shirogane carefully shut the door and walked to the counter. He seated himself with a sigh.

"How's Akira-kun?"

"He's better now."

"You're not with him."

"He wanted to go on his own again today."

"Hm." Master put down his cloth and leaned one hand against the counter. "It's good that he's feeling confident enough to go out. …Shirogane?"

"I hate to pour out my troubles to you, Master."

The bartender laughed. "It comes with the job. Let's see if I can't help you."

"It's… that… Akira-kun and I…"

"Ah. Well… four years, about, right?"

"I believe so."

"Well, there are ups and downs. I think it's best you didn't bed him right away, Shirogane. That probably would have made things worse. But after four years, and he's still resisting… I think that either Akira-kun's too afraid to go further, or he's not as serious about the relationship as you might like."

Shirogane let out a long sigh. "Can I get something to drink?"

An apologetic smile. "Sure."

The Shin took a long swig when Master set the glass down in front of him. Master waited patiently until Shirogane set the glass back on the counter and asked thickly, "Is it normal?"

"Hm?"

"To be afraid."

"Don't tell me you're not nervous."

Shirogane folded his arms on the counter, resting his chin on them. "More for him than for myself."

"I don't think you ever quite gave Akira-kun the chance to come to terms with himself."

The king let out a low growl, then glanced up at Master. "I'm sorry to talk to you about stuff like this."

"No." A weak smile. "It's better to try and work through it."

"You were scared."

"Terrified. But… my circumstances were quite different from Akira-kun's." A pause. "Promise me you'll never do that to him, Shirogane."

"I won't… I'd never force him."

"Thank you." It was a quiet word.

They sat in silence for awhile before Master said, voice back to normal, "Anything else?"

There was something, but Shirogane said, "No. Thank you, Master."

"You should talk with him about it… ask him. It's not good for you to have to make assumptions."

"All right." Slowly, he raised the glass and took another deep drink. "Though he's always been a bit unwilling to talk to me."

"That's true. This would probably be something difficult for him to talk about with you." Master raised his hand to his chin in his usual thoughtful pose. "If you want, I could try to act as mediator for you two."

"I'll see if I can talk to him first. It would be better that way… but I will remember your offer."

He would talk to Akira tonight. Things had to be set straight now.

~.oOOo.~

He felt horrible all through work.

Akira always did feel as if he had done something wrong every time he denied Shirogane. The Shin was right… Akira did want to feel that close. He did want to experience that intimacy. He did love Shirogane, he always had, and it was a dream to have the Shin so close. But something in him held him back, every time… some sort of irrational fear kept him pushing Shirogane away.

The fact that he was hiding something so crucial was only compounding his guilt. He hated to hide it from Shirogane, but this was part of his fear that had been continuing through all these years. He had hoped that though he was afraid of Ryuuko, he would be able to move past it just as Shirogane had.

But Homurabi's words kept coming back to him…: He'll never move on from Ryuuko. He's lied to you before. You ate right out of his hand, like a starving dog, hungrily believing those little lies he told you. Things like 'I love you, Akira' and 'I gave up on Ryuuko, Akira'... you swallowed them whole. You're turning into Ryuuko, just like Shirogane has hoped and dreamed you would. Even if Ryuuko's consciousness doesn't resurface, Shirogane will never see you as anything but him.

Akira shook his head viciously, biting back the tears and flinching heavily as his scar burned, as if reacting to the memory of its creator. He had to try to forget it… it wasn't anything he needed to remember.

As much as he was dreading going home, time flew by, and it didn't feel like it had been more than an hour before he was out the door and walking home. He took slow steps, trying to work things out, but he was still very tired and his mind kept wandering.

Could he explain it to Shirogane…? He had become rather quiet and introverted, just as Shirogane had said. Surely he could tell Shirogane what was going on, and things would be fine. Every time the Shin king reassured him, he felt absolutely sure of the truth of his words. Akira's senses weren't always very sharp, but he was more than sure that if Shirogane had been lying through the past three years just as Homurabi had claimed, he would have picked it up.

He became more confident as he walked, and his pace quickened as he approached his home. Yes… he could explain it. That would be the best thing to do. Now he was through the gate, through the front door, and as he slipped off his shoes, he called, "I'm back!"

"Welcome home, Akira-kun," came Shirogane's voice.

The resolve that had built up in him completely fell away at the sound of the Shin's voice. Akira stood in the doorway, trembling slightly, all the feelings and fears of the past three years rushing through him. Shirogane must have sensed something, because he appeared in the hallway, worriedly asking, "Akira-kun, are you okay?"

He mentally shook himself. "I'm fine… fine."

Shirogane blinked, then smiled and reached out, brushing a hand through Akira's hair. "It looks like the break did you some good. You look like you're in good spirits."

"Yeah…"

"I need to have a talk with you. Do you have a few minutes you can spare?"

"Yeah." Panic was rising in him. Did Shirogane know? "Right now?"

"Yes. Shall we?"

He followed Shirogane into the living room, where they both sat down together. There was a bit of silence; Akira hands were folded in his lap, shaking, and softly one of Shirogane's touched them.

"What's wrong, Akira-kun?"

"I just... I'm nervous, I guess." He swallowed hard. "I know what you want to talk about."

A soft smile. "It's okay, Akira-kun. I just want to ask you something."

"All right." His voice was shaking too. Shirogane's expression turned to apologetic.

"I'm sorry… you really are scared, aren't you?"

Mutely, Akira nodded.

"You know I love you and would never do anything to hurt you."

Wait a second.

"So I want to try and help you. If you don't want to, that's fine, but…" Shirogane's hand moved up to Akira's face, gently running a finger over his eyes. "I want the two of us to be happy and comfortable with each other, but I want to be as close to you as possible."

"Shirogane…"

"It's not that I can't wait, but I'm afraid for what might happen to you if we do. Please let me help you, Akira-kun."

Now. Panic overtook him. Shirogane would find out at some point. It had to happen now. But despite the panic and the drive, his inexplicable terror rose in him again, keeping him petrified to the spot. Shirogane was watching his face carefully, gauging his reaction for awhile, before he spoke again.

"I can try and help you, but you need to talk to me about it, Akira-kun. Do you know why you're so scared?" Those blue eyes were piercing deep into him. Shirogane's fingers were playing with his hair, softly, gently. "Or is it…"

Slowly, Shirogane's hand pulled back, holding something in front of Akira's eyes. It took a second for his vision to focus, but when he did, his mind went blank.

"… because you're trying to hide something from me?"

It was a single, ebony-black hair.