What Is Real and What Isn't?

Chapter 4: The Truth

Meredith was tired. She wanted to believe what Alex was saying, that what she had assumed was real was all just some nightmare that she had created, that Derek wasn't dead. She remembered faintly seeing him before passing out but she was also scared. What if Derek expected her to be bright and shiny? Could she be bright and shiny?

Was she even in love him with anymore?

All of these questions hurt her head. She sighed as she turned on her right side, burying her face into the pillow. Alex had been called away for a surgery and this left Meredith all alone. Doctor Coven had offered to fetch Derek but Meredith had simply said she wasn't ready to face her apparently not dead husband. Doctor Coven had uttered it was fine to be nervous before disappearing. Apparently, Doctor Coven was tending to Mark Sloan as well.

I can't believe Mark's alive… That was something that had been a shock to her system. Mark Sloan had passed away years ago, she had come to terms with his and her sister's deaths. Hell, after his death, Callie had leaned onto Meredith and Derek for support with Sofia and the trouble that Arizona was causing. I wonder if Arizona still has her leg…

There was a gentle knock before Cristina swept into the room, a blur of black curls and then her terrified expression. "Cristina? What's wrong?" Meredith asked, suddenly wondering if maybe her dreamland was better than reality.

"It's Owen!" Cristina expressed a look of fear, flopping onto the chair Alex had been using before he had to leave. "He wants babies! Why do I have to keep telling him that I don't want them?"

This was something that Meredith hated about her person; she understood that Cristina was not mother material but before, in her dreamland, she had not been able to understand this and had fought Cristina about her wishes to have both the career and family life. Maybe this time Meredith could avoid the fight because she understood that Cristina was dealing with a lot right now. Owen was pressing her into a family and Cristina wanted to be the best Cardiothoracic Surgeon that she could.

"Mere, can you listen for one minute? I understand that you're dealing with this whole 'coming out of a coma' thing but I seriously need my person. You've been out for months! Can you focus for just a few minutes?" Cristina raved.

Meredith swallowed and nodded. "Sorry…"

Cristina eyed her. "Should I fetch Coven?"

"No! I'm fine." Meredith reassured her. "Maybe you should explain to Owen by sitting him down?"

"I've been trying to! I tell him all the time that I don't want kids, but he has always wanted kids." Cristina sighed.

Meredith looked away for a moment, thinking carefully. What could she say to help her friend? She finally looked at Cristina and reached over to touch her hand. It felt like it had been too long since she had last spoken face-to-face with her person. "I can't give you any answers, Cristina. You've gotta decide for yourself. This can either end your relationship or bring you closer. One of you is going to have to back down."

"I don't back down." Cristina reminded Meredith.

"I know that. You shouldn't have to give pieces of yourself to Owen or to any man." Meredith reassured her. "But I don't think it's right to make Owen unhappy either. He wants babies. You don't. So, one of you is going to have to give up your wishes and be unhappy."

Cristina looked just so sad. "Owen and I divorced in your dream world, didn't we?"

Meredith nodded. "Yeah…you moved away to Zurich and Owen married Amelia."

"Did she want babies?" Cristina asked quietly, looking away from Meredith and to the window.

"She's a Shepherd. Isn't that built in their DNA?" Meredith tried to joke, but she could see how upset Cristina was. "It is okay not to want kids, ya know. It's not for everyone."

"I love Owen, Mere. I love him so much…" Cristina sighed and closed her eyes. "But I'd never be a good mother. Not like you with Zola. I'd be like Ellis Grey. I'm not built to be a mother."

Meredith frowned. "I'd never let you be like my mother, Cris. If you ever had any kids, you'd love them a lot in your own way. I never thought I'd be a good mother…and sure, two of my kids are imaginary but still! Zola is my daughter and I love her. Just like you'd love any child you had."

Slowly, the Asian woman stood and simply shook her head, feeling very heavy with emotion and very confused. "I should go, I have surgeries…" And then Cristina rushed from the room, unsure how she should go about this whole baby and Owen thing.

Now left alone, Meredith looked to the window and sighed heavily. She closed her eyes and let herself fall into a light sleep.

~x~

"Grey."

Her eyes fluttered open and she turned to look at the door, feeling confused about who was calling her. She found Mark Sloan in a wheel chair in the doorway, looking better than what she remembered before he died. She flashed him a small smile, "McSteamy. I didn't think you'd be here to visit me."

Mark chuckled. "I heard from a little birdy that you've seen the future."

"Not a very nice future, Sloan. If it was true, you'd be dead." Meredith shrugged her shoulders.

"Should I be offended that you killed me off?" Mark pushed his wheelchair further into the room and Meredith moved to sit up.

She shook her head. "I killed Derek off too."

Mark winced, "So what is a world without Derek and I like?"

"Dark and gloomy and very…un-Mc-anything." Meredith sighed. "We had three kids, did you know that? We had the perfect life until he chose the President over our family. But…that's a long story."

He watched as she looked away and to the window before her green eyes drifted back to him. "Something very similar happened to me." Mark admitted. Meredith looked surprised. "I uh, my life…I lived in my dreamland, obviously but… I met someone. I met Kali…"

"Kali? Who's Kali?" Meredith asked, watching the man carefully.

Mark swallowed thickly. "Doctor Coven. Well, her name's Kalin but I call her Kali. I felt guilty with her because Lexie died…and I thought I loved Lexie but what I had…have? With Kali, nothing could never compare." Mark tried to explain. "She made me feel so good, Grey. Yeah, Lexie made me feel amazing but there was always something missing…"

"It's okay to miss Lexie but also be happy." Meredith said quietly. Mark didn't look too sure. "I started falling in love with a guy named Nathan Riggs. He was Owen's ex-best friend…"

He blinked, surprised by this information. "Did you and this Riggs guy…were you a thing?"

"Sort of. See, my long-lost sister Maggie – really long story – was interested in him. So, I didn't try for anything with Riggs. It was just sex. Really amazing, breathtaking sex…" Meredith sighed. "I think you're the person who actually cares what happened to me in this life."

"Kali and I had two kids. We had a three-year-old daughter, her name was Elena and we had a newborn boy named Harry. Elena had been an accident, and we got married ten months before we had Harry." Mark explained, looking deep in thought. "It feels…it feels so strange not waking up to Elena's voice or hearing Harry's gurgles. Elena was just recently learning to color within the lines and she was speaking really well. She wanted to be a surgeon…she said she wanted to be just like her daddy."

Meredith could see the tears filling Mark's eyes at the thoughts of his non-existing children. She felt the same way about Ellis and Bailey. "Derek and I had two more kids: Bailey and Ellis. He died before meeting Ellis." Meredith said sadly. "I understand…"

"Thank you, Grey." Mark said trying to get a hold of his emotions. "It just feels so wrong not being able to kiss her or love her. She has no idea who I am or what sort of life we had together."

"At least you know she's real. The chance is still there for you to have your Elena and Harry again." Meredith sighed.

Mark locked eyes with Meredith. "Derek's here, Grey. He wants to see you, but Kali has you on lockdown. She won't let anyone come see you. I got in here because Tyler likes me and I bribed him." Mark rolled his eyes at the thought of the nurse. "You just gotta say the word and Derek will be here, beside you, with Zola."

Was she ready to see Derek? Could she handle seeing her husband? "I don't know how I feel anymore…it's been so long since I've seen him. I moved on." Meredith tried to explain. "I still love him, don't get me wrong Sloan. I'll always love Derek for the rest of my life but without him, I came to terms that I am not just some woman on his arm. I am much more than just Derek Shepherd's wife. I am a powerful woman, the Head of General Surgery! I am more than his slutty intern."

Mark was shocked by Meredith's confession. "It's okay not to be ready to see him." Mark said gently. "When I woke up and came to terms that it was all made up, that Elena and Harry weren't actually real, I thought for a brief moment that Lexie was alive and that I was going to have to pretend that I didn't have feelings, very strong feelings, for another woman."

After that, both Mark and Meredith were quiet. They had bared their souls to the other and weren't sure what else to say. Both had moved on from their "soulmates"; Meredith to Nathan and Mark to Kalin. They both had pieced themselves together and made peace with their dead lovers. It seemed that fate wasn't just being cruel to Meredith; it seemed fate liked to play with Mark too and had ripped his dream life away from his fingers as some cruel joke.

Meredith wasn't sure how to feel about all this information. Mark could still find a way back to Kalin but Meredith had her husband, alive and well, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with him anymore. He had cheated on her before he died. He had left her behind for a future that he wanted, never looked back; was this the man that Meredith really wanted to be with? Could she handle losing him for the second time around?

Mark and Meredith sat in silence until Doctor Coven arrived to check on Meredith. Mark couldn't look at the small woman, and now Meredith could understand why. It hurt too much, she supposed. "Mark! What are you doing out of your bed?" Doctor Coven asked with surprise.

"I wanted to see if it was true, that Meredith had seen the future." Mark explained, looking at the wall beside Coven's head.

Meredith could see the walls rising around Mark; she felt so terrible. What would it be like to be so close to the person you loved but they had no idea who you were? She didn't even want to think about it.

"Doctor Grey is a very confused woman who needs medical attention. Tyler! Could you bring Doctor Sloan back to his room?" Doctor Coven asked.

Meredith frowned. Mark puffed out a sigh but he didn't fight Tyler on bringing him back to his room. "I'm not confused." Meredith said, earning a look of surprise from the short woman. "Okay, maybe for a minute there I was but I am not confused. Anyone who went through what I did has the right to be a little confused for a minute."

Doctor Coven nodded, "Of course." She tried to smile but she looked very nervous. Meredith could see that her stormy grey eyes were darker in color and she wondered what was up with this skittish woman. "So you've been quite the popular woman." She tried changing the subject. "It's like I have to fight people off to give you your privacy."

"You don't have to." Meredith shrugged. "I miss my friends. It's nice seeing Cris after so long…that reminds me, how is Arizona? I haven't seen her."

Doctor Coven blinked and then nodded, pushing some loose hair behind her ear. "Yes, Doctor Robbins. She wasn't my patient but I did check on her after being called here by Callie. She's doing much better."

Meredith watched Coven closely. "Callie?"

"We were roommates back in college." Doctor Coven explained. "I'm working on a trail to wake comatose patients. Callie read some of my work and asked me to come as a favor."

Meredith nodded, now having a better understanding of why Coven was here. "I…in my dream world, Arizona lost her leg because of the crash. Is that still true here…?" If it was true, Arizona and Callie wouldn't be staying together much longer.

Doctor Coven shook her head. "Not at all, Doctor Robbins is fine. She lost some mobility from the crash and surgeries after being found, but she still has her leg." Doctor Coven explained. "I believe she should gain full function of her leg again."

That is amazing… Meredith let out a sigh. Maybe Callie and Arizona won't fight this time around… It sucked last time around.

Callie didn't deserve to be cheated on by Arizona after what George did to her with Izzie. People may paint George as a saint, but he had his own moments and was just as stupid as any man. Stupid boy penises

"Mark said that Derek wanted to see me…?" Meredith swallowed thickly, knowing that she would need to face her husband soon.

"Yes, Doctor Shepherd is…very eager but I think it would be best to give you some more time to heal." Doctor Coven explained. "You went through a huge trauma and the first thing you did when you saw him was faint. I'm worried that if you see him again, you may very well faint and go back into a coma."

Would it be so wrong? Yes, a world without Derek is hard and I hated every minute of it…but the thought of him dying again? Or worse…not being able to love him back? I can't do it… Meredith thought with a grieve expression on her face. "I would like to see him…" She would need to suck it up. "But could Zola come with him?"

Doctor Coven looked unsure. "I…Doctor Grey, I strongly suggest that you wait a little longer before you see your husband. I know you must miss him terribly, I would if I was you, but as your doctor, I think that seeing him may trigger another fainting spell that might last longer."

"I hear and understand you." Meredith said firmly. "But I miss my husband. He died in this world my brain created… And, the best way I've learned to heal is to go headfirst into the thing I'm afraid of. Otherwise, how am I supposed to learn and grow?"

I've survived a bomb, a shooting, a plane crash… I can survive seeing Derek. Meredith firmly told herself. Can't I?

"Why don't we first bring Zola in with Doctor Yang or Doctor Karev? That way you still see your daughter, and we can wait a little longer for Doctor Shepherd." Coven pleaded.

Meredith frowned. "Fine, but I want to see her tomorrow. And the next day, I'd like to see Derek. He must be going crazy."

Still, the blonde did not look sure but she nodded. "You should get some rest before dinner is served. You want all the energy you can get when you see your daughter." Doctor Coven said before she disappeared.

Meredith was once more, left in her thoughts before she fell asleep once again, dreaming about seeing Zola.

~x~

Up Next: The Visit: Zola comes to see Meredith and things get real emotional.

Hey everyone, another long-awaited chapter. Don't get mad, but I really have a hard time writing for this sometimes but I got lost in writing this chapter near the end. I really liked writing about Mark's dream world with Kali. Who liked it? This story is mostly Meredith-central. So, it's mostly her thoughts, feelings and how she views what is happening to her.

Anyway, just wanted to let you guys know, the more you review…the more likely I will update. ;)

REVIEWS:

Guest: Thank you. But, I like to think that my Chances Are or Hidden Truths are much better. I got really into them.

Samantha: What do you mean "Meredith's and Derek's chat"? But, I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying it. I hope you aren't too mad about the whole Meredith not being sure if she wants to be with Derek… haha. DON'T KILL ME!

Gina: I'm glad! I love making people's days haha. I can't say much on where this is going since even I don't really know but read on and you'll find out…when I update… lol

Greysfannn: I hope so too. Merder babies are the best.

Gretchen: I'm glad to be back. After my laptop broke, I lost interest in writing but I'm coming back to myself. Also, grade 12 is kicking my ass so it takes longer to write stuff out.

Sarah Grey-Shepherd: Thank you. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Patsy: Thank you, I'm glad. I wish this had happened on the show too, but I don't think Shonda wants to rewrite everything for the past three seasons. But there's a reason why we have fanfiction! Anyway, not sure who I will pair Alex with. I have a feeling I may bring Addison back…but she's with Jake now sooo…she's outta the question. Maybe I'll make a character up for Alex. He deserves someone amazing and honestly, Jo isn't it. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Give me ideas on who I should pair Alex with. Also, people have asked about merder babies. Maybe? I have no idea. Should I bring Riggs in earlier? Should Cristina and Owen work out? LET ME KNOW DOWN BELOW! Please, just let me know 'cause it helps me write. Anyway, love you all! Bye!

Xoxo,

Nerdy~