Chapter Four

Regis' House – Early morning

Ignis & Ravus' Apartment – Mid morning

Ravus' Childhood Home – Aged 16


Noctis wanders listlessly through his fathers house, apparently he has to find a suit to bury the old man in, he's not sure what exactly the point of that is. Clarus had offered to do it for him but Gladio's dad has already taken care of everything else. He runs his fingers over every bit of furniture that he walks past, the place is immaculate as ever; not like Noctis and Prompto's place despite the blondes best efforts.

He ascends the stairs and heads straight for Regis' bedroom, he guesses that Maria has been in as the bed looks like it hasn't be slept in for a while and that can't be true. The old man doesn't sleep anywhere else.

He opens the door to the dressing room and starts absent-mindedly sorting through the hangers of black suits that all look the same to him but he assumes that there must be a difference that his untrained eye can't see. As he shifts the wall of fabrics a slip of paper falls to the carpeted floor, Noctis frowns as he bends to pick it up – the writing seems familiar but he can't place it; the note reads:

Regis,

You keep me alive with your love, my heart beats for you. Keep this note with you to remind you how important you are.

Yours always xx

Noctis blinks and re-reads the note several times, apparently his father kept more from him than he even realised. He wonders who the note is from, the paper is soft and old; it obvious that Regis has kept it with him for a long time. He tucks the note back into the inside pocket of the suit it fell from and brings the garment down from the hanger, whomever wrote the note has picked for him; Noctis spares her a passing thought as he packs up the suit into a bag, he hopes that she has someone taking care of her where ever she may be.

He wishes for the millionth time that they'd been closer – though he reasons that if they had he'd be in even more pain now – that their relationship could have run deeper, that his father could've told him more about his personal life. They'd been amicable, enjoying each others company when ever they had met for dinner or Regis had visited him and Prompto, even on the odd occasion when his father had joined him and his friends for a poker game.

The old man and Ignis in particular had got along, probably because Specs was so much more mature than himself, Prompto and Gladio. Thinking of Ignis brings him a pang of unhappiness, he's not seen his friend since before the accident and he misses him dearly. According to Prompto, who heard it from Ravus, Ignis has taken his fathers death hard. He knows that the man prides himself on keeping his emotions in check, and that he has had problems in the past with depression and anxiety so he doesn't want to pressure him.

He supposes that Ignis might've thought of Regis as a father figure being that he and Noct have been friends since childhood; introduced at eleven and eight when Ignis' uncle and guardian began working for Regis. Ignis had fallen out with his uncle in his mid-teens, around the same time that the man was let go from Insomnia Corp. Noctis doesn't care what ever happened to the elder Scientia.

He hopes that Ignis will attend the funeral tomorrow, he knows that the other man will hate himself if he doesn't and selfishly he thinks that he'll cope better if he's there beside him. He takes his phone out of his pocket and dials Ignis' number.

"Noct?" Gods he sounds awful, if he wasn't teetotal it would be easy to think he was drunk out of his skull.

"Uh, hi Iggy. How ya doing?"

Ignis clears his throat noisily, "I'm… I'm fine, Noct. You are more important. How are you?" He sounds totally out of it, voice devoid of emotion.

"I'm okay, just gearing up for the funeral tomorrow… Um… Will you be there?" He checks the time, t-minus twenty four hours to go. It's not been a long time coming, Clarus has worked his ass off to get everything sorted smoothly. He's managed to keep the event fairly low key despite how loved as a public servant Regis was, hence why Noct is up early picking out a burial suit.

"Yeah, I'll be present Noct." Comes the slightly slurred reply, Ignis doesn't say 'yeah' and Ignis doesn't drink; what the hell?

"Um, that's really great Specs… Is Ravus there at all? Medical question..."

Ignis doesn't reply but Noctis hears shuffling as the phone is passed over, "Hello Noctis, I'm sorry for your loss." Luna's brother's voice is clipped and posh as usual but he sounds sincere enough; although Noct has become incredibly sick of hearing that particular sentiment from everyone who speaks to him.

"Thanks Ravus. What the hell is wrong with Ignis?!" He doesn't beat about the bush, worry over riding manners, "he sounds hammered!"

"I assure you he is not. He's just… He's taken your fathers death rather hard. His doctor has increased his medication a little."

Ignis doesn't like any of them knowing that he takes medication on a daily basis, despite all their reassurance that they couldn't care less. Ignis is Ignis and they love him for it. Noctis is glad that Ravus lives with Ignis, as annoyingly stuck up as he finds the brother of one of his best friends, the man is a brilliant doctor and they do seem to get on really well.

They seem to have an unspoken bond and Noct has often wondered if they are secretly a couple, the jury is out. Gladio had howled with laughter, Prompto concluded that they wouldn't be able to keep it a secret for this many years and Luna made a sick noise and said that she preferred to think of her brother as a non sexual being.

"Will you bring him to the funeral tomorrow Ravus? Please?" Noct hears a drawn out sigh from the older man.

"I will Noctis, of course I will. Just… Just be aware that he might not to be quite… ah… as controlled as he usually is."

"Okay..." He attempts to say more but the words catch in this throat and tears sting the corners of his eyes, Ravus must hear something as he says,

"I'll hand the phone back to Ignis. See you tomorrow."

"Noct? 'M so so sorry." There is an edge in Ignis' voice that forces the tears to fall from Noctis' eyes and trace twin tracks down his cheeks, "your father was the best, and he loved you so much. Sooo much. More than anyone."

Noctis sniffs and wipes his face, "Thanks Iggy. Get some rest okay? I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yes, walk tall Noctis."

Ignis hangs up and Noctis stares at the phone in his hand, walk tall? He tries to remember if Regis has ever said that to him in front of his friends, he supposes he must have done for Ignis is parrot him. He shrugs and gathers up the suit, picking up some black shoes and heading back down the stairs; he has a lot to get done today.


Ravus wordlessly plucks the phone from Ignis' hand, gloved as always, though the other man is currently dressed in some of Ravus' old sweats. The green eyes are starting to close in exhaustion again; since Regis death, almost a week ago, Ignis has been sleeping mostly. Helped by the anxiety medication that his psychiatrist suggested that he take in fairly large amounts, he's been cocooned in Ravus' bed, unwilling to even enter his own room. Ravus has let him, wanting to do anything to help that he can, but as a result he is so tired. He hates sleeping in a bed with anyone, even Ignis, and he's constantly on edge, constantly wanting to have eyes on the other man in case he tries to hurt himself again. He knows that he looks awful, too thin, lank hair and bags under his eyes, but he also knows that it's not about him.

"Are you okay Ravus?" He jumps when his housemate speaks, turning to look into green orbs and an equally dishevelled face. "You look so sad."

Ravus takes a deep breath, Ignis hasn't been speaking at all unless absolutely necessary until answering the phone to Noctis, "I'm just tired Ignis."

Ignis very slowly puts his hand on Ravus' thigh, pausing in case the taller man objects, he blinks owlishly at him and says solemnly, "I'm sorry that I stole your bed."

Ravus lays his hand over the gloved one and chuckles quietly, it feels alien to laugh but Ignis is so childlike that he can't help it. "It is fine, really. How are you feeling? Do you want something to drink, it's time for you medication."

Ignis sighs, "I… I think I should take less of the new one. Milla said that I could if I felt more in control."

The slur is still present in his voice but that is the longest that he's spoken in some time so Ravus nods slowly, he won't mention the funeral now. Honestly, as highly as he regards Dr. Maxwell, his professional opinion is that delaying the grieving process through sedation is not always wise decision. He hopes that the funeral will allow Ignis some release, he couldn't give a shit about Noctis finding out about Ignis and Regis any more; he doesn't care about anything but Ignis. He must growl out loud as these thoughts intrude because Ignis' hand tenses under his and so he pushes them back for further analysis later. Or rather he tries but the memories come and Ravus is too tired to block them out, despite their unwelcome nature.


Ravus shakes and sweats and cries over his waste paper basket as he vomits again, in the movies first kisses are not like this. His boyfriend has left, calling him a freak on his way out and slamming the door behind him. He has no doubt that this will be all over school tomorrow -'the little one armed gay boy can't even kiss!' - it will be hot news. He's sixteen and he lost his arm two years previously, missed over a year of school, then moved schools so now he has no friends and he cannot wait to get out of there. Lunafreya sits with him at lunch but is in a different year so he rarely sees her. Therefore when Edward, a good looking and friendly boy, had shown him affection during maths class one day he'd been overjoyed. The boys hit it off, Edward has few friends also; a fact that he has attributed to being openly gay for as long as anyone at school can remember, though now he has this hot gossip on Ravus he might gain a few more.

Ravus begins to shiver uncontrollably, not fully understanding what is happening to him; before he lost his arm he had lots of friends. More girls than boys, some were starting to get crushes on each other but Ravus wasn't overly bothered, he then spend his formative puberty years in and out of hospitals or physio. He had a crush on his physiotherapist for a while but he knew nothing would happen so it was safe.

And now, he feels wrong. They were kissing and that was fine, until Edward had stuck his tongue in Ravus' mouth and it felt like an invasion; he'd forced the feeling down though – attributing it to nerves. Then Edward's hands were everywhere! On his arms, shoulders, chest and then finally ghosting over his groin. He made a noise into the kiss that came out as a moan so the other boy had rubbed harder at his crotch, Ravus tried redirecting his hands but Edward was seemingly determined. He unfastened Ravus' pants and grasped at his dick, desperate to feel skin on skin -.

"You're not even hard?!" He'd broken the kiss in disgust, "what the fuck?!"

Ravus jerked away; breathing ragged, heart raging and the feeling of sickness washing over him. That's when he grabbed the waste paper bin and started vomiting.

When he's sure that he has nothing left to bring up and needing to distract himself from his current state he googles his symptoms, an anxiety attack. Of course, he does feel similar to when he first lost his arm and would wake up screaming from phantom pain, remembering time and time again that it was truly gone. But why now? He is deeply embarrassed as he types in the next search, 'fear of being touched sexually':

'The term erotophobia can also be used when describing genophobia. It comes from the name of the Greek god of erotic love, Eros. Genophobia can induce panic and fear in individuals, much like panic attacks. People who suffer from the phobia can be intensely affected by attempted sexual contact or just the thought of it.'


He's been in love with Ignis for a few years now, since the suicide attempt really, but he knows that he's grotesque. He knows that he's perverted. Despite everything Jude has tried to tell him to the contrary, despite all the cognitive behavioural therapy, despite everything.

He touches Ignis often and always has, since the day they met and for as long as the other man will allow it, to grant himself all that he can ever expect from a "relationship". He'll never tell the other man though, about his feelings not the genophobia – Ignis knows about that – because he's afraid of sex with anyone and he cannot expect Ignis to live like that or, more importantly, to ever reciprocate his feelings. Ignis is so pure, and Ravus is a monster.

He gets up with a long drawn out sigh, "I'm making tea, want some?"

Ignis' brow furrows at his tone but he doesn't mention it. "Sure, do you want to wash up?" He asks, a barely visible smile on his face.

Ravus smiles too but it is pained, despite his joy at Ignis offering to cook in their standard way, "I would."