Chapter 4

Welcome to the fallout. Welcome to resistance

The tension is here, between who are and who you could be


My world as I'd known it had been rocked to the very core, and the most devastating part about all of it was perhaps the fact that no one else seemed devastated at all. The summer lolled on without incident, and the only vestiges of him were the ones imprinted in my heart. A silent stubborn refusal to forget him had been borne out of my tragedy and I clung to it like it was the next breath I needed for breathing. Even April, who had cried for all of a week rebounded pretty fast, burying herself in a sea of books and denial.

It was as if she accepted it all as her due for daring to believe he was capable of change. But he was, and I had watched it happen. I didn't care that the cops had found a pound of weed in his car, and that the rumor surrounding it was that he'd been some type of drug dealer. I knew him even when no one else did and my heart wouldn't even entertain the thought of betraying the blind trust it had in him. I had been his from the moment I'd laid eyes on him, long before he'd even known it and I think even then from the very first, that I would've followed him anywhere he lead. But April was as cold towards him as the day I'd first met her and his latest slight had a reawakened an unrelenting grudge that I'd thought was long gone.

The Salvatore house which had one seemed so big and formidable was now a mere shell of itself without him to light the shadowy corners of it excess. Memories of him seemingly clung to every part of it and I spent days on end there, just latching on to whatever elusive memory of him I could grab. It was the sweetest torture I'd ever known, and for two weeks straight I cried myself to sleep at night gazing at the ceiling in bitter wonderment and agonizing at how close I'd came to getting what I'd always wanted only to have it suddenly snatched away. It was then that I realized that being close to him was the closest I'd ever been to being close and suddenly my heart felt achy and bereft and I mourned the loss of my ability to dream in us.

The days grew lazy and hot from the advent into July. A sort of idyllic calm settled over me as I learned to lie myself and convince my mind and heart that even if he was there he wouldn't have wanted me. At least not in the miserable way I yearned for him. I told myself that no one could ever want anyone as much as I had wanted him and that it was the better this way and eventually I sort of learned to believe it. But there would be these lucid times, fleeting moments of stone cold clarity where there was no where on earth I could run to hide from my own lies. So I kept busy to make those moments few and far between. And there was no better way to get over a guy than to start entertaining the thought of a new one. Overnight, Caroline and I had become boy crazy. It was literally all we talked and thought about, and every ounce of energy that was expended went towards it. We spent hours preening and primping in the morning trying our hardest to look like we weren't trying that hard with natural makeup and loose wavy curls that Youtube tutorials had helped us to perfect only to venture a few blocks down the street to the beach and lie around baking under the sun waiting to get noticed.

My mom who for the most part had been relatively liberal about my new foray into beauty even voiced her concern after some time. She said she was worried that I was losing sight of what was important in life to which I responded with a healthy dose of teenage know it all attitude and told her to chill out. That was the first time someone I'd known for so long looked at me like I was a stranger, but it wouldn't be the last. The days of that summer all blended together in a symphony of self-deprecation and angst, my outlets varying on the weight of my depression and pain.

Some days I would drink until my vision blurred and my body numbed and nothing but the RIGHT NOW mattered, and on those days even when I laughed and danced with abandon, that hollow ache was still buried just beneath the surface and screaming to get out.

Some days I would lie and say I was staying over at friends, only to stay out all night partying, and throwing up with my girls all the next day while we sat around in our hangover misery recounting the glorious events of the night past.

Some days there were cute guys and the soothing strains of the music that played on their radio as we lie on a blanket in their trunk staring up at the winking stars and getting buzzed off cheap beer, and then there were days of searching exploratory hands that crept along my arm as I stood idly by numbed by the liquor and weed that coursed through my veins just trying to feel anything, something. But on all days, there was him, never too far from my mind and always heavy on my heart. The more it burned at me, the more I tried to numb myself.

I guess looking back, I was acting out and everyone seemed to notice it but me, especially April. She couldn't understand my new transformation and so slowly but surely we drifted apart. It also didn't help that while we had all blossomed into ourselves, her growth seemed to be stagnant. She would complain about how flat chested she was, how she didn't feel pretty and then dish out a indirect insult in my direction about how she didn't wear makeup though because she didn't need it unlike some people. All of sudden she seemed consumed with jealousy and a need to make me feel worst than I already did.

At first I didn't notice it, and when I did catch on I tried to chalk it up to her lashing out about her repressed feelings for her brother but it started getting harder and harder to make excuses for her acidic behavior. She never wanted to go to the beach with us she claimed it was dumb, she made fun of our pursuit for guys and told us they only wanted one thing from us anyway, and her behavior balanced between a knowing condescension and downright scorn. Soon she became the main topic our frequent conversations about how sick of her we were and how phony she'd been acting. We talked about our frustration with her so much that one day Bonnie, Caroline, and I were all sitting in her room waiting for her to get ready and talking about her.

"But Did you see the way she looked at me when I asked her why she wasn't ready?" Bonnie asked with disgust.

"I know right? She's such a bitch, and how inconsiderate is it to have people waiting on you to get ready like we called her 2 hours ago and she's still not dressed, like seriously?"

"I don't know why it takes her so fucking long, remember she doesn't wear makeup" I mocked in her voice rolling my eyes simultaneously. We all laughed at that. And then suddenly a quiet unease crept over the room and I looked up to see her standing in the doorway clearly having overheard our bitchy rant. In that brief moment she wasn't the April I had quickly come to loathe but the girl I'd spent hours talking to on the phone, the one I had cried with , the one person I felt knew me better than anyone and a kind of shame settled over me as I glanced at the hurt and betrayal mirrored in her watery eyes.

I felt lower than low, and I couldn't seem to find the words to speak as I watched the tears spill down her face. "I think you should all leave" She said tightly, refusing to look us in the eye as she cried softly.

"April…" I started softly

"Please!" She put up her hand shaking her head wildly" Just leave, I'm such a bitch right? why would you guys want to hang around a bitch"

"I didn't mean it like that but you have been acting different "Caroline rushed out looking every bit as guilty as we all felt.

"Right, because its not like my brother didn't just get locked up a few weeks ago, its not like my entire world isn't falling apart"

"Not like it's his first time going there" Bonnie glared , and I felt myself getting pissed for April at that comment.

"Bonnie" I chided.

"What? not like it isn't true. And it's not an excuse to treat your friends like shit either!"

"Are you kidding me? You guys are the ones acting different. You go out without inviting me all the time, all you can think about is boys , and now you're talking about me behind my back in my own house! And who even knows if its the first time you've done that you all seemed pretty comfortable with the subject"

"Look at how you act " Bonnie yelled "Why would we want to go anywhere with you you're a BITCH"

"Bonnieee-" I pleaded in a whine trying to intervene yet again.

"No Elena! I'm sick of her all she does is talk shit about everything, you think you're so much smarter and better than us, and then you had the nerve to tell Elena that she basically needs makeup and you don't"

"Because you're all idiots" April blew up and I felt my own anger being roused "You used to be fun, and smart, but now all you do is talk about boys, boys, boys boys newsflash there's other SHIT in the world besides boys"

"Coming from someone who couldn't get one if she tried" Caroline retorted icily.

"And what you can? for what all of few seconds before they realize how dumb you are?"

"Well it definitely beats being fat " Caroline shot back and I watch April's face contort into a rage I'd never seen and it was all just so horrible and surreal. It was like I wanted to stop it but it was all happening so fast and getting too toxic to defuse.

"Fat, fat? fat! So I'm fat now?" April screamed tears in her eyes shoving hard at Caroline "You're not even cute without all that makeup , just another big-chested blonde bimbo with low self-esteem"

"What the hell is going on up here and why are you all screaming at each other in MY house?" April's mother intervened gripping the downstairs bannister and glaring up at us as she began stalking up the stairs with angry strides.

For a tortured filled stretch of time April was too consumed with tears to speak legible words, and I watched with growing guilt as she brokenly tried to explain a few times only to fall back into sobbing tears. In all that time, her mother just stood there searchingly glancing at our faces for some clarification but we were all too riddled with guilt to look her dead on or say a word.

What was probably only a couple of minutes felt like an eternity as we awkwardly stood there before April was able to give a clear but teary explanation.

"I caught them all talking about me" She hiccuped" "They called me fat, and a bitch and said no one likes me " April rambled hurriedly crying again as she scoffed at us.

"Elena is that true?" Mrs Salvatore looked at me with such disappointment that I literally wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I couldn't even look at her, or anyone for that matter and so I stared down at the carpet praying that I could disappear into it. April was full on sobbing again, and crying harder than I'd ever heard her cry and I listened awkwardly as I heard her mom pull her into a hug and comfort her.

I looked to Caroline and Bonnie for solidarity, but other than slight guilt they seemed generally unaffected.

"I think you all need to leave, and you can be certain your parents will be hearing about this later"Mrs. Salvatore spoke tightly into the tensed silence glaring coldly at us.

"Mrs Salvatore, I'm so sorry" I rushed out before I lost my nerve, tears falling down my own face.

My apology was useless though, she may as well been carved from stone for all the reaction she showed as we shuffled awkwardly down the stairs and out into the sultry summer air. I felt sick, and guilty all at the same time and the whole incident replayed on a constant miserable loop as I listened to them absently recount the event and voice their anger.

I sleptwalk through that entire day as we tanned on the beach like nothing had happened, like a huge and essential piece of our group wasn't just suddenly gone. It was kind of scary how ok Caroline and Bonnie seemed with it and I silently pondered if they had ever truly considered her a friend and if I too was that replaceable.

By the time I got home I just wanted to crawl beneath the covers and forget the whole day but my mom sat silently in the dark, waiting for me as she took long pulling drags from her cigarette. My first thought was "oh shit this is bad" She only ever smoked when she was livid, and I knew then that it would be a long night.

I was grounded indefinitely, my phone was taken, and I was subjected to a long lecture that made me feel even worst than my harsh punishment. Amidst a series of very knifing words were a few that really stuck out, like her calling me a bully, and her asking me how I would feel if someone did that to me, and her calling me two-faced and spiteful. Her words, compounded with the definite loss of my friendship and the weight of my feelings were suddenly all too much in that moment and I just sort of blew up at her.

At first I hadn't realized just how harshly I was speaking, until I saw the way her face fell and heard the hardness in my own voice and I remember being so scared of my own anger that my hands shook with it. I couldn't breathe against the bitterness, and I was crying so hard and taking all these deep jerky breaths and just waiting for her to hate me as much as I hated myself and everyone else in that moment but instead of delivering a well deserved lecture or grounding she pulled me into one of the tightest hugs I'd ever known and rubbed my hair while I softly cried into her shirt.

And suddenly I felt like the world was all too much, and too cold, and I just wanted the haven and warmth of her arms and my complete weight sagged against her as I limply clung to her. I cried until my eyes hurt, and my head ached, and my mind crumpled with exhaustion. And my mom just let me, and when I was done because there was just nothing left. She led me up to my room, brushed my hair, and fixed me a cup of tea. And then I cried some more too beyond grief and hurt to speak despite having so much to say and somewhere between all the agony fatigue just kind of wore me down and I fell asleep to the blurred vision of my mom's loving and concerned face.

April didn't speak to us after that, and I spent the rest of the summer missing her and dreading the start of school when I would have to see her again and not even be able to talk to her. But then our town decided to split into two sections and open up another school for kids who lived beyond a certain point to reduce how overcrowded and understocked our school had been. If you lived East you went to Central East, and if you lived west you went to Central West which was where April would be going, and the shadier part of town. I didn't know then, but that was just the beginning of our huge social rift. I had no way of knowing that simple geography would shape the very experience of our high school lives, that we'd never be friends again because we would spend the rest of our high school years staring at each over the invisible line of social inequality.


Girls can be so catty and vicious right? I know this chapter was a bit slow but I wanted to focus more on the dynamics of Elena's friendships or lack thereof .. and this one sort of hit home because I've caught a friend talking about me too and I was devastated at the time! But this chapter is shaping some very near events! I know its been so long and no one is probably even still on here or will read this but if by luck someone does I just wanted to say I'm back at writing and it won't be so long between updates. Promise! Sorry for the errors as well I'll probably proofread it at length later and make all the necessary corrections. I'm just happy to have wrote something I don't TOTALLY hate after so long.