Chapter 4
"Hey Kelsi." I said, my voice sounding tired and strained even to my own ears. I briefly wondered whether I really was that tired.
"He just left. He's in a bad mood. He thinks that something terrible has happened to you Gabi," she answered. Where did the formalities go? No small talk, straight to business. That was just like Kelsi. She found small talk boring and much preferred to talk about what she wanted to talk about. Her motto was 'why waste time talking about something you don't want to talk about? And who gives a damn about how you are anyway?'
"Well, he's right there!" I exclaimed. A wave of emotion crashed over me again and I clutched at my chest in hopes to ease at least some of the pain. It didn't actually work. I was pushing against my rib cage so hard that it actually began to hurt.
But he was in a bad mood? What was happening then? Was he crying? Had he even shed one tear for me? I somehow doubted it. I couldn't see him crying for me; after all, he had his new girlfriend now. He didn't need me. Were all of his actions just for show? Was he actually rejoicing that I'd left? All these questions were running through my head one after the other, I was having difficulties in keeping up with them.
"I know." She sighed, "I know, Gabi. But he looked so depressed. He almost didn't look like the brother I know and love. He's always so full of hope and energy but now that you've left he looks like someone's just told him that he's not allowed to strum another cord on a guitar for the rest of his life."
My lips almost twitched in the beginnings of a smile at her comparison. It was true that Troy was very dedicated to his music so I understood where she was coming from. They didn't quite make it into the smile though when I remembered what he'd done.
"I can't stand seeing him like this," she whispered so quietly that I almost didn't hear her. "I've honestly never seen him like this before. Even when his hamster died in 11th grade."
"Well, he can't say that he didn't bring it upon himself." My tone of voice was cold and bitter. Like me. I was trying to cover my heart in a layer of ice when it came to Troy. It was easier to protect myself if I had a heart of ice.
"You don't understand, Gabi!" she cried exasperatedly. "I think he might do something stupid. I don't want him to do anything suicidal. I know that you know that you're the reason he's acting like this and I know that you know that you're the only one who can get him to stop."
"Yes, I know that I know too. But does he know what he's doing to me?" I questioned. I already knew the answer to my question. He didn't know. He couldn't possibly understand how he'd shattered me into so many miniscule parts. I wasn't sure that I'd be able to pick them all up again and superglue the picture back into place.
"I don't know. I think that he just thinks that you've been kidnapped or murdered or something. He hasn't even contemplated the idea that you could have run away. Or at least, if he has he hasn't voiced it."
She paused, waiting for me to say something but I decided to keep my mouth shut. If I opened it I would probably just end up saying something that I would regret later on. Something along the lines of: "Well, that's what he deserves, isn't it?" If I said that, Kelsi would not be happy with me. There was already enough strain on our friendship; I didn't want to add anymore to it. I wasn't sure how I'd be able to stay friends with Kelsi while avoiding Troy, but I'd try my best. That much was given.
"Please, Gabi, can you at least call him and let him know that you're still alive and well?" I felt like she was asking me to do something very scary that I had no wish to do at all. Something like asking me to touch a large spider with my bare hands (not that I could touch any sort of spider with covered hands either). "I know he hurt you, but now he's hurting too. He's my brother and I don't want to watch him go through all this pain. I'm begging you, just let him know you aren't dead, for me?"
I sighed dejectedly. I really didn't want to do that. I ran away from Florida for the one reason that I wouldn't have to talk to Troy about it or give him a chance to sweet talk me into going back to him. I knew that if I gave him the chance to, I probably wouldn't be able to resist for very long. I expected that he knew that as well and he would use it to his advantage.
"I don't know, Kelsi." I answered truthfully, my voice sounding even more strained, "Maybe I will do it, but I need some time to myself first. I need to get my head back in order." I rubbed my forehead wearily. Agreeing to call Troy was like signing my death contract. I needed time to build up barriers first, enough to render him incapable of knocking down every single one of them.
"I understand," she answered, sounding as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. "I think he really does miss you. I know that he loves you. If he didn't, he wouldn't have stayed with you for three years or asked you to marry him."
I knew that she was trying to reassure me, but it wasn't working all that well. She never really knew how to soothe someone's feelings when they found themselves caught up in a sticky situation. In reality, all she was doing was confusing me even more. She claimed that he loved me. If he loved me, then why did he have her over in our house?
"He's genuinely worried about you," she added, almost as an after thought.
'Oh yeah, Kelsi. That's going to change my decision.' I thought bitterly, 'Tell me that he's worried about me and I'll go running back to him. Maybe someone else would, but not me. And you of all people should know that.'
"Alright, Kels. Give me at least a couple of days to get myself straightened out again and we'll see what happens."
"Fine," she said, sounding defeated. She knew that she could do no more now so she had no choice other than to wait and see what I would do. "But please ring him soon."
"I'll try. Don't tell him anything though and get him to check his post in a couple of days' time." I tried to say it as nonchalantly as I could, but it didn't work very well. My voice still cracked ever so slightly, and I knew that she would have picked up on that. After all, she would have been looking out for it.
"Why?" she asked suspiciously.
"You'll see then. Bye Kelsi."
I hung up with that, not waiting for her to say bye too as I'd heard the sound of footsteps coming up behind me. I couldn't put a name to the steps. I wasn't sure whether it was someone I wanted to talk to or not.
I tensed and refused to turn around and see who it was that had walked up on me. I almost forgot to breathe while waiting to discover whom it was coming up behind me.
"Gabi? Is that really you?" the voice belonging to the person whose feet had made the footstep sounds asked. I recognized the voice immediately. How could I have not recognized it? I'd spent the whole of my childhood and my years of being a teenager listening to this voice change over the years.
I spun around and wrapped my arms around the girl standing just behind me. She had her arms squeezing me too not a second later.
"It's me," I answered, "and it's so good to see you again! How have you been holding up?"
"Pretty well actually, I'll have to introduce you to some new people. You haven't been here for so long! Why didn't you come back sooner?" she questioned. She looked really happy to see me but really confused at the same time. In her place, I knew that I would have been confused too. Why would someone who just upped and left their childhood home three years before, not returning after their departure, suddenly appear in the place again? It didn't make sense.
I don't know. I should have come back more often."
"Yes, you should have!" she scolded, "but why are you here right now?"
"Something happened in Florida. I had to leave, so, my obvious choice of place to flee to was here. Where else would I have gone? Absolutely everyone lives here, and I don't have anyone else living in other places that I could fall back on. Or at least, I don't think I do." My features creased into a look of confusion and thought. I was trying to figure out whether I really did or didn't know anyone living somewhere other than Albuquerque.
"What happened? Was it Troy?" she demanded, pulling away from the hug and looking sternly into my eyes.
No one would have been able to tell that we were only cousins and not sisters; we were almost identical to each other, except for our eyes and our hair color. My eyes were a chocolate brown and my hair was brunette while her eyes were a forest green and her hair a strawberry blonde. We were even the same height and almost exactly the same weight! But she could also understand me better than anyone else on this Earth, with the exception of Paul. On the other hand, Paul was blind, so if he wasn't looking for something he wouldn't find it. That said, he only very rarely ever actually looked to find what was under the surface when it came to my problems. I guessed that he figured that if I wanted him to know, I'd let him know sooner or later. That was a good way to think because it allowed me to take my time in telling him the whole story.
"Yeah, it was Troy. I don't really want to talk about it yet." I answered, but after taking in the pointed look she shot me I decided to continue. "Let's just say that he did something to me that I'd never do to him."
"He cheated on you, didn't he?" she asked, her eyes wide and full of sorrow.
I took in a gasp of air. Exactly how did she know that? Well, the gasp had given it away, I'd seen it in her eyes, she'd figured out that it was him and she wouldn't give me very much peace until she knew the whole story.
"How come you can read me like a book?" I questioned with a slight laugh. It wasn't even a hoarse, forced laugh, it was a real chuckle. I knew that it didn't really touch my eyes, but I couldn't be bothered with it. The fact that a laugh had even escaped me was something to marvel at.
"Its all because of endless years of practice. Blame the parents for forcing us to spend almost every single day of our childhood together," she answered lightly, as though it were nothing new to her. In all reality, it wasn't. She'd always been able to pick up on the roots of my problems when no one else could.
She linked her arm through mine after unlocking the front door and led me into her house. It was exactly how I remembered it, with the exception of a couple of new things she'd obviously acquired. Even the furniture hadn't moved. The walls were still an off white, looking almost creamy in places; the enormous blue sofa we'd saved up for and bought together when I'd lived with her was still in the corner of the room, its back against the far wall. The television had been changed; she now had a mini home cinema by the looks of it. The coffee table was over flowing with female magazines as I remembered it had always been. A large painting of a seaside view she'd painted herself took the prided place above the electric fire. I'd always loved that painting; it was nice to be able to study it again.
We sat on the sofa for an hour or so, just talking about any old random thing, like most females are capable of doing, until we finally grew quiet no longer having very much to talk about. The room became silent for a full two minutes before Laura spoke again.
"Why did he cheat on you?" Laura asked, her voice barely more than a whisper.
"Honestly, I don't know. I can't really think of any reason why he would but obviously there are probably a few factors that escape me."
"You make it sound like it's been going on for a while. The last time I spoke to you on the phone you told me that everything was just peachy with you." She trailed off and looked intently at me, awaiting my response.
"I was in denial," I shrugged. "I didn't want to think about our relationship ending so I created this fantasy world where everything was still perfect that I could live in. Unfortunately, reality still broke into it from time to time and eventually I knew that it was time to just give up on it all. Then I caught him cheating on me and it just accelerated things. I think I was already well on my way to leaving him. Maybe I should have confronted him about it a while ago. In a way, maybe it's as much my fault as it is his…" I trailed off, wandering off into my thoughts.
I started to wonder just exactly how long Troy had been going behind my back with this "Viviane". It had definitely started after the proposal because before then he would spend all his time with me. That left no time for him to spend with her. My thoughts turned to the girl. A sudden thought popped up in my mind and I wondered if I was going to be physically sick. I really felt like I was going to regurgitate the biscuits I'd consumed at my brother's house.
Did he go to meet his natural needs with her after he stopped visiting me altogether?
My face must have clearly shown that my mind was a thousand miles away from my body because the next thing I knew, Laura's fingers were continuously snapping in front of my face and she was shouting my name. I shook my head furiously in a feeble attempt to rid it of these thoughts.
"Hello." I said upon fazing back in.
"What were you thinking about?" she asked, her voice only slightly betraying her well-hidden curiosity.
"Nothing in particular." A short silence followed my words before I decided to continue my sentence, "I think I need to go and see everyone," I stated while standing up, grabbing my jacket and flinging it on again.
Laura immediately knew what I meant and stood up with me. I fought a short battle with myself, wondering about whether or not I really was ready to face them all. I decided that I was and we both took to the street. It was colder now than it had been. The sun was beginning to set; the light fading and the many street lamps were just warming up. It would be night before long.
"Do they all still live in the same places?" I asked. I couldn't imagine any of them having moved, but I thought I'd ask just in case.
"Yeah, why would they move? I don't think any of them have moved at all for over twenty years. You know the tradition. Everyone stays here, in this pokey place. Only you broke the tradition."
"Yeah well, I needed to get away from here then. It's not like I was going to stay here after what happened."
"No, I know. Unlike some of them, I understand," she said, the happy smile on her face faltering slightly as she seemed to think of something else. "Some of them still blame you for breaking the tradition and moving away, you know? They hold it against you," she continued, her voice lowered to such a quiet tone that I actually had to strain my ears to hear everything she was saying.
I didn't have time to respond as it was at that exact moment that we arrived at a large green front door with a knocker in the shape of star, I'd never understood why they'd wanted a star shaped knocker, despite the many attempts to explain it to me. There was a reason for it somewhere though. Laura motioned for me to knock on it, so I reached out and took the brass star shaped handle of the knocker.
Not two seconds later, the door swung open and my aunt appeared in the doorway. She let out a squeal and engulfed me in a hug I wasn't entirely sure that I'd come back out of alive. She seemed to be pushing all the air out of my body and after about twenty seconds I had to remind her that oxygen was a necessity required if I wished to continue living.
Five minutes trickled past as family members showed up. Soon enough the room was full of them and I was bombarded with questions.
"How are you?"
"What have you been up to?"
"Why are you home?"
I caught up on all the news and gave out some of my own. The room was full to the brim with aunts, uncles, cousins, my cousins' spouses and children, even some close friends from school had managed to show up. I hadn't spoken to most of the people there since before I'd left.
I'd had the suspicion that some of them held it against me that I'd left. Laura had confirmed this, but none of them appeared to be holding any grudges. Maybe they were just happy that I was back. After all, I was the only one in the family to have left the town in a long time. Except for one other.
Of all my family members only my brothers were missing from the ranks. Jerry, the eldest of the four of us at 31, was uncontactable because he was working, clicking random buttons (or at least they seemed random to me) and cracking codes for the secret services (it was pretty cool having a brother who worked in the secret services, but it also 'endangered his life' according to his bosses). Oliver, being the second eldest at 28, was apparently out at a training day. Dan, the second youngest being only two years older than myself at 23, was doing whatever it was the he did in his free time.
Three and a half hours slipped by without my noticing before I was finally all hugged and kissed out. My throat felt raw from all the talking and I was starting to fall asleep on the leather, and, frankly, rather uncomfortable, sofa I was seated upon.
Upon noticing this, Laura excused the both of us and took me back outside. Being away from the stuffy atmosphere of my aunt's lounge, I felt my senses beginning to reawaken. The cold air helped as well. I amused myself by breathing out and watching my breath become smoky in the almost freezing temperatures.
We just walked around for a while, visiting all the old spots: our secret hideouts that, for the most part, didn't seem secret anymore (at least two of them held signs of recent use by kids who liked to get themselves high off their asses); our play areas from our early years, then our gang hangouts from our adolescence. I came to the conclusion that as adolescents, we used to enjoy being near trees. Almost all of our hangouts from then were either in trees or at the foot of trees we'd discovered were impossible to climb.
Everything that I saw brought back so many memories that seemed to be so fresh in my mind. I began to wonder why I'd even left Albuquerque for Florida. Then it all came back to me like a flood.
I remembered what had happened.
I remembered my life turning upside down.
I remembered mom.
