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All canon characters in this story belong to Craig Bartlett and Nickelodeon. The two songs used in here belong to their respective owners. I only own Bonnie and Milo.


"Baby, I'm not too sure about this."

"Mr. Simmons said that the students participating don't have to sign up... only if they want to."

"Do you want to?"

"I think it sounds like it might be fun, to be honest!"

"Yeah...if you want to experience life as a human ox..."

"Mom..."

"Milo, it's enough that I let Wartz place you in the fourth grade. At least there are people there you're familiar with. For all we know, the person you get stuck with might be some... jackass who thinks the whole world revolves around him."

Arnold honestly couldn't help flinching at Bonnie's words. No matter how used he's become to her cursing, the football-headed young man still had to cringe a bit at the woman's sharp tongue.

Right now, the current conversation that took place in the boardinghouse kitchen consisted of..."persuasive argument" between Bonnie, Milo's mother, and Milo himself. Mr. Hyunh, the boy's "guardian," and Arnold were simply bystanders for the moment. The dark-haired young woman had been pacing around the kitchen while the guys were seated at the dinner table.

To say the least, the boardinghouse's resident Polynesian felt livid.

Hoping to assuage the mother's anxieties, Arnold boldly stood up from his seat and added his own two cents.

"Listen, Ms. Mahana, if the older sibling that Milo receives does turn out awful, you could just go back to Sunny Smiles to call the offer off. It's not like you had to pay for it in the first place."

"Arnold speaks the truth," Mr. Hyunh piped up with a supportive smile. "Also, the program requires that the parents of either participant be present. You could see Milo's new sibling firsthand and decide if your son is in good hands."

Bonnie's reply was a dry, deadpan stare. Her tone of voice was no different.

"Yiang, I really wish I could just go along with what you and Arnold are saying. Only one problem: this is not a babysitter we're dealing with here. What I want to know, you guys, is whether there's any real point to Milo doing this. He already has a brother in Arnold and, hey, even Gerald. What difference is another older sibling going to make for him?"

That question did a bang up job of leaving all the males at the table speechless. What difference would another role model for Milo make?

"I guess you're right," Milo eventually admitted, putting his head in his hands pensively. "Having an extra big brother or a new big sister does sound a bit redundant."

To the relief of all the two boys and Hyunh, Bonnie didn't smirk triumphantly to show she was pleased that her reasoning finally made its mark. She gave a relieved smile instead, that no argument were being brought up. She truly hated having fights with her family.

However, there also seemed to be a trace of sadness that popped up in her eyes the moment she saw her son's forlorn expression.

'Oh, he looked so interested in this program. A part of me deep down really does want to see how things would turn out, but...I just don't want my baby...'

...To get hurt?

Well, he wasn't getting any younger and the sooner he was used to pain and disappointments, the sooner he'd be ready for the real world, right?

'Or maybe I'm just afraid of the changes that could happen if Milo is happy with his pretend sibling...there's no telling what could happen.'

All of a sudden though, the young single mother, finally registering Milo's last statement and to the confusion of her family members, twisted her face in genuine confusion and offered her only son a perplexed stare.

"Wait, back up a sec— Milo, where did you learn the word "redundant"?

All Milo offered back was an indifferent shrug.

"The dictionary...where else...? ...Still, I wouldn't have minded having some new company—kind of like new spices in Grandma's cooking. A little variety never hurt anybody, right?" he joked with a half-grin.

For the first time since the conversation began, the tense atmosphere seemed to experience a lift considerably thanks to the boy's playful words.

Arnold returned his little brother's expression in agreement (the kid had made a rather interesting, if not factually valid, point). Mr. Hyunh chuckled fatherly before affectionately tousling Milo's unkempt black hair. Even Bonnie seemed to ease up a bit, a smile peeking out on her face despite of her rolling eyes.

'Maybe Arnold and Yiang are right. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Besides, my son's not exactly like all the other kiddos.'

Granted being a single parent guaranteed ample space to worry about your only child, but limits were still limits.

Bonnie, "How about a deal then...? If you really want to do this, Milo, just say so. We can go to the Sunny Smiles place right now if you want. Just know that if you do along with this, you're going to have to stick with whoever you get stuck with...but if worse does come to worse, then we'll be there to get you out. Okay?"

A nodding Arnold, "There are other ways for you to make friends anyway. I'm not saying Sunny Smiles is bad, just probably one of a dozen ways you could take."

"But Milo," all eyes shifted to Hyunh, who needed a few seconds at first to compose himself as to adjust to all the attention being directed to him at once.

Clearing his throat, the Vietnamese fellow continued a bit more confidently.

"It is your choice alone. We only wish to know you will be alright."

And so finally there came the decisive factor: Milo's own decision.

Even without leaning in, Arnold, Bonnie, and Mr. Hyunh still waited with bated breath the moment the child opened his lips.

"Hmm...Then in that case...I say..."


"Oh for the love of—how the heck do you mess up something like this, Olga?" thundered a rather indignant Big Bob as he and his family stepped back through their front door.

Meanwhile, Helga, who had been bringing up the rear, rolled her eyes at the antics of the man that was technically supposed to be her dad.

"Tsk, trust me, Bob," scoffed the pigtailed blonde with a trace of amusement, "It was easier than I thought."

The Patakis' time at the SSS, to say the least, had gotten unbearably ugly...and that was putting it lightly.

Long story short, every tyke that so much as peeked at Helga, who of which had been lingering around the waiting area as her parents and Olga completed the rest of the paperwork, ran for the hills (or at least back to their mommies and daddies) like the Banshee was at their heels! Not that they didn't have a good reason to escape in such a fright...because they did.

Actually, Helga couldn't deny a sense of pride at the fear she inspired in the hearts of those kids.

'Good to know I've still got the edge' was the thought that ran through the satisfied girl's mind.

"Now Daddy," the voice of Olga piped up meekly, jarring the younger blonde out of her thoughts. The young woman had a dainty hand on her father's hefty shoulder in an attempt to catch his attention. "I'm sure all the children just overreacted to Helga. You know how kids are."

Okay...ignoring that slightly backhanded comment, Helga turned towards the stairs to stomp all the way to her room (or at least anywhere to temporarily escape from her dysfunctional "family").

Bob would not have it. "Hold it there, little missy! Report that little keister to the trophy room pronto!"

Oh no, Helga would not concede to her father's wishes—not this time!

'I think it's about time SOMEBODY finally laid down the FACTS on Olga's latest scheme.'

In fact, she instead pivoted her body and her head so her folks could see her deadpan expression in full view and, raising a finger and one hand akimbo, answered in a scathingly and mockingly cool tone,

"Bob...let's get one thing straight," she explained slowly at first, "...little kids and I—do—not— mix. Very simple logic...Now if anybody needs me (which we all know is definitely not gonna happen) I'll be upstairs tending to my eardrums."

Thus, with these words spoken, Helga continued her ascent up the stairs, digging a finger in one of her ears as she did.

She hadn't been kidding about her eardrums. Some of the kids she scared off had wailed to the high heavens...and even broke a few windows without even touching them!

'Criminy, were those brats born with megaphones lodged down their gullets?'


'Oh Helga... Why do you have to act so...so difficult sometimes?'

Even in retrospect, Olga honestly believed the program would have done her baby sister some good. Aside from Phoebe, Helga didn't seem to have anyone to look after and support beyond herself.

Right now, Big Bob, still visibly irked by his younger child's failure and continued incompliance, was sitting in the living room once again, the television set to a blaring volume. Apparently, the man had hopes that the searing noise would stomp out any memories of today.

No such luck so far...

Miriam, meanwhile, more or less, seemed to have the same goal in mind, only her way involved smoothies of questionable content. In fact, the conked out woman was currently laid out on the kitchen floor, her snores conjuring up a storm.

Amazingly enough, Olga shook her head at only her sister's antics, not at the ludicrous scenes permeating the rest of her immediate family.

'I do wish there was a way to fix this.'

As if answering to Olga's thoughts, the hallway phone right next to her rung vibrantly, stopping the moment the young lady took the phone from its stand and answered in a convincingly perky voice.

"Hello, award-winning Olga G. Pataki speaking! How may I be of assistance?"

A few moments of silence overtook the hallway as the vibrant flaxen listened intently to the disembodied voice of the caller.

"No, I'm so sorry, ma'am," Olga finally responded with a glum frown, "I believe you're referring to my baby sister."

Once again, no sound save for the television and Miriam's snoring existed in the hallway...at until Olga's face lighted up like a neon light all of a sudden!

"Oh wait! Did you just say Sunny Smiles? Yes, my family and I were just there a while ago! Although I'm afraid we experienced some difficulties in finding a sibling for my baby sister."

The blonde's face soon adopted a rather inquisitive and curious expression of interest as the voice continued. She held the phone closer to her ear in response.

"Yes, I'm listening."


("Sunset Ceremony" by David and Steve Gordon)

If what Bob and Miriam were doing were ludicrous, however, then their wayward second-born daughter's activities were on a whole higher level of weird!

Sealed deep within the confines of her own closet's attic, Helga, bowing before a soda-pop bottle replica of her beloved, had on makeshift robes constructed from old, colorful Inuit blankets Olga brought once from a trip to Alaska. The patterns truly lent themselves to the purpose of this ritual. In addition, upon the impassioned worshipper's head sat a feathered headdress unsurprisingly in the shape of Arnold's unique cranium.

"Oh my beloved," began Helga fervently, "how I must scoff at times at the absurdity of the fools with whom I am forced to coexist! Believing they could influence fate to their very whim—by pairing me with a child of unfathomable ignorance, no less!"

The pious girl merely shook her head in disdain before proceeding with her confession.

"No, Arnold, such is not what fate itself intends. Nay, what I see instead is the mission fate has obligated to me. And I will, so as long as I still draw breath, see to that said mission is fulfilled as selflessly and kindly as you wish, my love!"

With no more to be said in the silence of her holy altar, the young woman, still enveloped in her holistic passion, bowed once more in reverence before the ersatz replication of her muse.

And then a hand rose to reach a switch...

...the lights went off...

And back on to reveal Helga G. Pataki once more, this time back in her normal clothes, the ceremonial dressing and headdress already cast aside, ahem, ceremoniously.

(Music ends with a scratching sound)

"Okay, now that that's over...time to get down to business!" Helga clapped her hands briskly before pacing around the attic floor.

She hummed a bit in deep thought.

"Hmm...Alright, so it was right before school let out yesterday when I finally got my science book from Squirt. Question is: did he see anything at all in that book? And if yes, then how much of the beans did he spill out?"

She could probably blackmail him (Nah...Too little evidence...). What about threats? Would those work? (A good safety measure—yes...an actual plan—not so much...)

Perhaps taking him off to the side for a little "chat" in her "office" would do the trick. (Nah, with Arnold and Tall-Hair Boy as his official bodyguards, I might as well be trying to have a nice little chat with the President).

There just had to be a way... but what?

'Think, Helga, think! There's gotta be some way to get that kid away from those yahoos! 'Too bad he didn't sign up for that cockamamie program. Otherwise, I'd actually have a reason to thank Olga for once.'

Thank Olga...? Okay, seriously, Helga just had to stop for a moment and chuckle a bit at the thought of that.

Anyway, there was also the question of how to go about the interrogation...which Helga never got the chance to ponder on...

"Oh baby sister! Could you come out here for a moment, please?"

Of all the—lashing out in anger would probably complicate matters so Helga replied in the most sincerely sweet sounding voice she could muster up.

"Coming, Big Sis! "

Welp...time to see what the "Sister of the Year" wanted her for...again.

"And it better be good, Poppins!" Helga muttered grumpily under her breath.

So without further ado, Helga stomped her way back to the floor entrance of the attic, lifted the door, raised down the ladder that lay next to said entrance, and proceeded to climb down...

But not until after taking in one last glimpse of the replicated visage of her love, already cloaked by the shadows...

"Until the dark of night, my love..."


"Oh Helga, there you are! O, I have such very exciting news!"

Helga resisted the urge to roll her eyes and simply gave her ridiculously optimistic sister the same old, same old scowl.

'Oh, what now? A chance for me to donate my organs for unfortunate orphans in another unfortunate country that unfortunate little me has never heard of in her short years of unfortunate existen—'

Wait a sec, did Olga seem...serious? Wait, yes, indeed the countenance Olga had none of the usual perk but instead a solemn frown. Helga's sarcastic thinking ceased right in its tracks at the sight as Olga knelt down to be one eye level with her.

"Now, baby sister, before you say anything let me just tell you that the challenge before you is not a simple one. I should know after all."

'Sheesh, she's still going on about that?' the younger blonde griped internally.

Oh yeah right, like Helga had been actually begging to be in the program from the start!

"Hey, I'm signed up, anyway, aren't I?" (Not that anyone bothered to ask me in the first place—Geez!)

Besides, as far those chumps at the 'Sunny Smiles' joint were concerned, the irascible blonde made a lousy older sibling anyway, so sorry to disappoint your astronomically high expectations, Bob.

Unfortunately, Olga, her eyes closed, hand clasped as if in prayer, and back now facing Helga, just kept going.

"—therefore I strongly believe that you, as my baby sister and a fellow Pataki, has more than what it takes to be an outstanding, loving, caring, noble, considerate, nurturing—"

Okay, enough with the list already!

"While we're still alive, Olga! What are you trying to say?" the nine-year old shouted, throwing her arms in the air in exasperation!

Wrong choice of words...

Without warning, Olga released a high-pitched squeal that forced her poor baby sister to cover her own ears in agony. And she thought those brats back at the triple-S were loud!

To make matters even worse, Helga, for the second time that day, suddenly found herself in another vice grip that felt even stronger than the last one.

"It worked! Oh Helga, it actually worked!"

Air...Air! This poor child needed air!

Thankfully, the psychotic woman finally loosened her grip on Helga after a few seconds, allowing the pigtailed girl to regain precious oxygen. However, she still held the child at arm's length, that irritatingly sunshine smile never leaving her face.

"WHAT are you talking about?" an irate Helga asked demandingly after her respiratory recovery.

"Why, the Sunny Smiles Siblings, of course, silly! Oh this is so wonderful!"

...

Uh...did she, by any chance, drink something in one of Miriam's smoothies? On second thought, scratch that thought. If that had been the case, not only would she have had besmirched her "perfect record", she also wouldn't have been looking more freakishly perky than usual.

Even so though...'Where the heck was this chick in the last 3 hours?'

Verbally, Helga said nothing for few seconds, only raising her monobrow questioningly.

"Okay, sister, spill the beans!" Someone around here needed answers and needed them now! Pulling away from Olga's grip, Helga crossed her arms and fixed an intent glare at her older sibling.

"Did some kid get paired up with me or did the SSS finally decide to label Helga G. Pataki as a contamination hazard to the preschooler population?"

Olga, much to the fourth grader's ever increasing chagrin, merely giggled before continuing on.

"Oh Helga, you big silly, of course they found someone for you! And you'll never guess who signed up to be your little sibling either. It's—"


"Helga Pataki!"

Milo seriously had to do a double take on the scene before him.

Arnold, usually the epitome of chill and reason, had just leapt from his spot on the bed—the spot right next to Milo to be exact— to the top of his own shelf, which, to Milo's surprise, did not respond to the added weight of the nine-year old in the slightest!

'Man, now that's one sturdy shelf!'

Anyway, back to the matter at hand...

The football-headed wonder's face practically screamed: 'How the freak did that happen!' (Okay, granted, maybe Arnold wouldn't have said those words per say...but, in Milo's defense, they seemed like the most appropriate description for the older boy's wide-eyed look.)

All in all, this was a pretty out-of-character moment for Arnold.

So Milo had a very valid reason to stare, dumbfounded at his older sib as if he'd grown a third eye. He then shook his head before fixing Arnold with a face of disapproving disbelief. "Dude...really?"

'Huh...Oh...right...,' thought the initially confused but suddenly cognizant football-headed wonder with reddened cheeks as he lowered himself down from the shelf and back on his bed.

"Uh, sorry...," Arnold rubbed the back of his head sheepishly before turning his view back to Milo. "It's just...wow..."

The Hispanic/Polynesian mixed child looked away and nodded in thoughtful agreement.

"Yeah, I'll admit, Mom and I were pretty shocked, too."

Believable or not, Helga had been the only participant available. The lady at the counter, for some ridiculous reason and much to the bewilderment of Milo and Bonnie, had seemed a bit too excited at the prospect of someone finally choosing the blonde fireball.

"Actually, Arnold..."

Oh boy...there was no mistaking that smirk!

"I could make this work to my advantage." The younger boy's expression switched from a smirk to a reflective smile "There are some issues I need to set straight with Helga after all."

Uh oh, Arnold had a bad feeling about this! Granted, our optimist here always had in the back of his mind consideration of the idea of Helga being a nice person deep beneath her usual bluster. She had even proved that consideration correct at times, rare as those times had been.

At the same time, though, he couldn't help but feel a sort of uneasiness at Milo's words about confronting the irascible dynamo. Believe it or not, Arnold had seen the torture Helga put the younger kids through...and it was nowhere near prettier than the heck she put her peers through.

'I think I'm starting to get where Ms. Mahana was coming from.'

Plus, just like Mr. Hyunh, Arnold had been there for Milo ever since the little guy's birth. As such, he truly felt scared for the scamp...nothing like a babysitter who'd simply get trouble with the parent (even if Bonnie could be a frightening force whenever she felt her son was in trouble)...but rather in the same way as an actual, devoted brother would.

The Golden Wonder placed a finger to his chin as he mulled over the situation a bit more in his head.

'Well...Milo might be able to get her to open up. Even if he can't, at least I can convince Helga to go easy on him. She can be mean, but I know she can't be that mean. Besides, all I want is for Milo and Helga to have a chance to patch things up after what happened today. They could be really good friends if they tried!'

"Just try to be yourself," Arnold advised, turning to face the brown-toned tyke, the attentive green eyes of whom had been watching him ponder all the while.

"And if the two of you do end up having problems, then just talk it out with her." With a supportive and honest smile, Arnold put a hand on Milo's shoulder before continuing.

After all, Helga could be a very logical person...just as long as she wasn't raving of course.

The gesture did not go unappreciated...as evidenced by Milo's grin. "Being myself—no problem...! Really think she'll listen, though?" The grin drooped a bit when during this question.

Regardless, Arnold gave Milo the same beam. "Trust me. I've tried before. It's hard at first, but when you really get down to it Helga's not all that bad. Besides, it would be nice if the two of you did manage to iron things out. Just make sure to give Helga some space while you're around her, okay, Milo?"

The sepia-toned tyke gave a lighthearted scoff and a dismissing wave to the blonde's concern.

"Ah, you don't need to remind me of the chick's temper. I am the one who got the full treatment right in the face, remember? Besides, it's like Mom said: I gotta stick with whoever I choose...and I chose Helga! Now I can't exactly say why I did (aside of course from the fact she was the only person left on the list) but...I got a good feeling about this. Just trust me, okay, Arn?"

His older brother could only nod throughout this mini-speech, the words practically taken right out of his mouth. However, a relieved smile had already appeared on Arnold's countenance by the end of Milo's admittance and full-hearted acceptance of the upcoming trial.

"Alright, Milo— Just remember that me, Bonnie, Mr. Hyunh and everyone else will close by just in case you need us, okay?"

A thumbs-up and an eye wink, both brimming with confidence—those were all Milo needed to cast away whatever lingering fear still lay in the football-headed young man's mind.

HEYARNOLD!HEYARNOLD!HEYARNOLD!HEYARNOLD!HEYARNOLD!HEYARNOLD!HEYARNOLD!HEYARNOLD!HEYARNOLD!HEYARNOLD!HEYARNOLD


Unbeknownst to the two brothers, however, Helga G. Pataki was having a pep talk of her very own...

("Helga's Shrine" by Jim Lang)

"Oh my muse, my god of ecstasy, my lighthouse of hope in a dark, turbulent and chaotic world—never in my wildest fantasies of you, my love, had I ever imagined such a grand opportunity! Oh, if only, if only, you could comprehend the risk I must endeavor in accepting your younger sibling as my own."

...albeit a one-sided pep talk but still...

Yep, you guessed it! Helga, as promised, was once again bowing before her divine altar. This time, she had come in hopes of obtaining a sense of spiritual preparation in advance of the upcoming tribulation about to take place tomorrow.

"And perhaps— oh blessed heavens..." Helga gave off a girlish sigh before standing up twirling like an impassioned ballerina.

"Perhaps seeing how caring I am towards the boy will make Arnold realize the heart that beats behind the bluster and rage that are simply illusions, a front to the true Helga G. Pataki!"

'And oh man, I can't believe I'm saying this, but...thank you Olga—right from the bottom of my heart!'

Looks like Ms. Perfect was good for something after all!

'But first things first...!'

(Music ends)

Relieving herself of her ceremonial clothing, Helga G. Pataki, now in her purple nightgown, took the best course of action one can take when reviewing a game plan: talking to oneself.

"Just remember, Helga, old girl, the next day is going to be spent in Arnold's house. Just stay cool and do not get mad! Don't scare the kid off. Ease him in with some easy conversation. That way, getting him to talk later on will be a snap! Heck, throw in a few casual questions just to be safe, too."

Exactly...! At that point, however, pulling off the interrogation would be out of the question.

First off, even from first glance, one could easily tell that Arnold and Milo were tighter than two papers glue-gunned together! As such, getting the two apart would have to wait until Milo came to Helga's house.

Second, there was no telling which of the adults at the Sunset Arms would recognize the blonde Pataki girl. She'd especially have to keep a close eye out for that Asian guy with the glasses. During that one time with the video cassette fiasco—Helga shook away the humiliation and awkwardness that episode had brought...especially in the end—that Asian guy—Mr. Hyunh right? — seemed kind of close to Milo...that is if the little sideshow Helga was treated to earlier today had been any indication.

A deeply thinking Helga snapped her chin-stroking fingers. "I'm gonna need some way to lay low without coming off as too suspicious."

Some place that none of the adults in the boardinghouse went to very often...some place where the ol' Football Head could have a front row seat to how sweet and nice Helga G. Pataki could truly be!

Well then the answer was simple...

Arnold's room, of course!

The only difficulty Helga would have to worry about is sticking to the plan.

'Which should be an absolute snap!' the blonde poet pointed out smugly.

"Just—be—nice!"

Then Helga just stood there like a confident superheroine, hands akimbo, legs spaced evenly out, and a sure smirk on her face.

For the first few seconds that is...

The smirk disappeared as Helga abruptly spun on her heel, walked out of her closet (making sure to close the door behind her), went right up to her phone to pick it up, and then began dialing the phone number to a certain best friend of hers.

'On the other hand, it doesn't hurt to have a little back-up...'


Sorry about the inconsistency in dividers. The edit system is such a pain sometimes. -_-

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