a/n: the next part – I know a good deal of you have been waiting for this so sorry about that wait. Real life is trucking on ahead, which is a good deal of the reason why this took so long. I'm back up at Uni and my studios are long and draining early in the semester. I'll be updating as much as possible, but please realize that Real Life is a thing that sucks but exists. I also take a couple of nights to just sit and think of how these characters interact or would interact in situations. It may sound like an odd process but it's how I keep everything in (what I hope is) canon actions and feelings without forcing anything for a plot.
Thank you for all of the reviews. I'm quite blown away at the amount, as well as follows/favorites for this story. I started this as a joke and it's getting a good deal of attention. So thanks to everyone that goes out of their way to review, it means a whole lot to see that people took their time to do so.
I'm also glad that a great deal of you weren't terribly disappointed in the fact that his first kiss was stolen. Well I guess you were disappointed but..understanding. I guess that yes I'm doing a sort of High school romcom teen movie of the 90s, but I'm also trying to keep it very much in reality. You know, where high school is a bit on the shitty end and people are selfish and stupid and well, all sorts of lovely things. Johanna is such a fun character and she's taking over in ways that I never meant her to, really. Truly wish I had a Johanna Mason for some kissing lessons, aye? The next update shouldn't take as long. I'm organizing a to-do order for this fic, so yeah. hopefully we'll get the next written up during the weekend?

atonings is the reason this exists and we talk all about all the aus that I'm writing. The idea of this au literally came from me and her talking about cheesy songs from the 80s and 90s, in particular "Everytime" by Britney Spears. How deliciously cheesy and how deliciously Katniss/Peeta of a song. We'll get it into here, we have to tbh. I'm going to be trying to be getting more of my aus up here as well, but of course I have to get them from WIP to done so we'll see.

Some more Rhiannon lyrics since it's still the party. Also it's an awesome song and everyone needs to listen to some Fleetwood Mac


all your life you've never seen
a woman taken by the wind
would you stay if she promised you heaven?
will you ever win?
she is like a cat in the dark and then
she is darkness
she rules her life like a fine skylark and when
the sky is starless
rhiannon | fleetwood mac

.04.

I don't know what to do, or what I should do. In my mind, I sit down next to her, but then everything gets jumbled up in that familiar sight I see now with the things that happened in my dream earlier and I have to stop before I start walking around this goddamn party with a hard-on. I know that's not going to happen, just like how I know that Katniss Everdeen isn't going to be (wouldn't be, wasn't) my first kiss.

I guess in my mind I always suspected, knew, that she wouldn't be my first kiss, or any of my kisses. The logical part of me, hidden far deep inside knew that already. That she never will want to feel anything like that for me, but I have to stop myself from going into a Pity Party Time for Peeta Mellark. She's not going to be my first kiss, fine. I'm still a bit pissed at Johanna, but I'm sure further down the road this'll be just one of those things we can laugh about, right? I need to know who Katniss is, who she truly is. Maybe I won't like who she really is and I won't be in love with her, and I can take other girls out on more than one date and actually kiss them at the end and not just shake their hand or bow.

I don't know who I'm trying to kid though. I've seen how she interacts (or rather, doesn't) with other people over the years. How she reacted to me that one time. I know those walls are high and strong, and for some obviously masochistic reason I think that makes me love her more. Johanna said that it's too early for me to use that word but I don't care. Plus, like I said, I'm a bit pissed at her. And she can't hear my thoughts. I look at her on the couch, almost as if I'm willing for her to look up at me at the same time hoping and praying she doesn't see how much of an idiot I look like right now. I think the words over again: I love you, I love you, I love you. Is this the only way I'll be able to tell her these words? Trying to thought-speak them over to her? Am I going to start waving my hands around and use the Force for some Jedi Mind Trick or such? No, that can't be it. I can't. I have to go and talk to her, and eventually, I have to do it. I have to tell her I'm in love with her.

I take a step towards her as I hear my name called.

I turn and see Delly making her way over to me. Madge is behind her looking at me concerned, and I look at her in disbelief. I always say that Delly is friends with everyone but the sight of the two of them with some kind of interaction, even if Delly is a bit over the edge and most likely won't remember, is a strange sight for me. "Where you going, Peeeet?"

I suppress a groan. Drunk Delly means a Delly that forgets her auxiliary verbs as well as making sure to call me Peet instead of Peeta. I look and see that my jacket is still in my hand and suppress another groan. Well I was just about to leave when I noticed Katniss Everdeen sitting alone on a couch, very much like an image I had just earlier in a nice wet dream of mine. Fancy I might talk to her. That will go over well. I love Delly but she's a loud drunk that forgets what's appropriate to yell about and what's not. "I just got a little cold Delly, I'm not going anywhere." There. Now I have to stay at the party. Now I can't just leave. I may just be digging myself a deeper grave.

She looks at me confused. "It's not cold in here. Don't need that."

"Go back outside. I'll try and join in a bit, alright?" She nods and smiles at me, dragging Madge with her. The two of them smile at me once more and leave. I feel a bit upset with myself with how I dealt with Delly. She is drunk, alright, but she's also my friend. My best friend, and has been since we were children. I know I'm not going outside but I just wanted her gone. I should've just talked with her for a couple minutes until she started talking with someone else. I try and stop thinking about it, telling myself I'll deal with it on Monday at school. I know I probably won't though. She either won't remember or won't bring it up but basically I just got away with treating my friend a bit shitty because she is drunk. I don't want to be that, I don't ever want to do that. But I apparently have tunnel vision when it comes to a certain girl, and so I throw my jacket on the nearest table as I pick myself up a drink so as to have a reason to want to sit and mingle.

The couch is a bit old and it creaks as I sit down and I wince. I can feel her eyes on me and I mentally prepare within point-two seconds before turning to Katniss. "Hey Katniss."

She looks over at me and her face seems like a mask. And she turns back forward, looking away from me. "Hi Peeta."

I didn't realize you knew my name. I want to slap myself for that thought, for almost allowing that stupid sentence to leave my mouth. What the hell am I thinking? That I'm going to say that and soon enough she'll be flirting and coming closer and sitting on my lap, rolling her hips straight into my dick? Yeah, alright. I will steer clear of any dialogue like my dream had. Which won't be that hard, really.

"I'm glad you were able to make it tonight," I tell her, and start to panic. "All of you. It was great of you guys to come." I make sure to make it plural. God, I'm nervous but thankfully there's no irrational sweating or shaking. I take a sip of my beer and look at her.

"Is it?" She asks, only she says it more like a statement. She only looks over at me a couple of times. Her face is guarded, but every now and then I see a hint of the anger I was on the recieving end after the fires two years ago. This girl can really hold onto an undeserving grudge. I feel sick to my stomach, like I did those two years ago after it all. After the fire in the bakery, I had people in school coming up to me asking all about it, since I was there, and best eye witness to it all having been in the building as it started to ignite (and got out right before it was contained). I almost got a bit of a war hero status, everyone asking me how I made it out alive. Everyone wanting to see my bandaged left leg and praising my limp with clucks about my courage. My cane, which I was so embarrassed to walk into school with when I went back was a sort of trophy. There was a fire, and I survived. It told a story to all of them. It said how I was a survivor and it was a manisfestation of my courage. It told a lie.

I wasn't couragous. I fell, and as I laid there ready to give up, a burning piece of wood fell atop of my leg. The pain woke me up, and I got out.

That wasn't courage. I didn't have that then, and I don't have it now still as I sit next to the girl I'm in love with and try to think of something to say besides just spitting out my heart to her. When I stood in the hallway one week later after the fires, she suddenly walked past me closer than she ever had before then. And I still will swear to this day I could smell the smoke on her.

There was more than just smoke in the smell. Grief could be tasted in the air around her. Some people whispered that she smelled like the dead.

Like her father.

And with her grey eyes of sorrow and pain, they seemed like the fires' smoke themself. At first glance she seemed ready to cry but within a blink the tears were gone. Her face was stone. Was ash. She was then fatherless, that evening the memorial for her father was going to be held. And she met my eyes. I wanted to, was going to to her I was sorry. That she probably heard that too much during the day and that it did nothing and that I was. Maybe I'd put my hand on her shoulder. I can only imagine how quick she'd knock it off. But I never said so. I know she didn't want to hear it, still doesn't want to hear it, but I feel as if I owe her a sorry. A sorry that I never gave her in the past two years. I should've said it then, apologize for what happened but as well as for myself. For how people are treating me, and how they are treating her.

But I didn't, because her eyes locked on mine. Zeroed in. And in that moment I know she hated me, I could feel it.

And I get it. I'd hate me too in her position. I hate how people treated me. I was getting so much attention and praise and worry for what I went through. I didn't deserve it. With no real loss in the fire that I dealt with, there was only a positive light to shine through. People went out of their way to talk to me about it all. Katniss was always shy, but she used to be a bit more approachable. Not saying that people made a habit of approaching, but there was a possibility of it before. Her father died in the fire, and I know that a part of her died in it as well. A wall went up, and no one besides her friends she had before could ever hope to be on the inside.

I wanted to say something to her in the days that followed but I couldn't. The unobtainable girl of my dreams suddenly became even more unobtainable. One time I made up my mind to just say it, to just say something and as I was near her someone came up to me to ask me how my leg was doing. To tell me how brave I was.

She looked right at me as they were saying those things. I can't even remember who it was telling me them. I just looked back at her. And then she walked away. I couldn't read her mind, but I may as well have. She knew I wasn't brave. She knew I was a coward. It hurt more, hearing it from her fake thoughts. Hurt more than my own self just recognizing the facts. We were reading at that time in English the text "Things Fall Apart," by Chinua Achebe. Of course we were. Of course on the day she came back to school, my teacher read aloud and stopped awkwardly after saying the line, "living fire begets cold, impotent ash." She was uncomfortable I think, seeing as how we had to have it written upon the board for important quotes and themes from the book. She wouldn't look at Katniss. No one did. I still did though, and I know why no one else did. We had a visual of the after, of the cold, impotent ash. It was a fourteen year old girl and she sat among us.

I still loved her though. I hated how much I wanted to try and talk to her and how much I knew she didn't want to talk to me. I missed my chance, I figured, seeing how high up she was building her walls. But I didn't let go of my love. I swore to myself I wouldn't.

And I didn't. Which brings me to this moment, sitting next to her at a party after having my first kiss stolen from me.

"Why aren't you with your friends?" She asks me suddenly, and I look over at her, surprised. I didn't consider the idea that she'd try to keep a conversation between the two of us. One question is hardly a conversation, but still...

"I could ask you the same question." A scowl returns to her face and I shake my head. I'm pressing my luck. "They're all outside. I didn't want to go near the bonfire..."

Fuck. Her eyes automatically go to where they had been trying to avoid all evening. Outside, to the bonfire. I knew that the party wouldn't end up as well as my dream but this was getting out of hand. So I do the first thing I can think of, which is blame it on someone else and change the subject. "Plus, Delly isn't all the great drunk." I'm such a shit friend, I'm such a shit friend. I'm going to buy Delly some chocolates or something for everything I've thought or said about her in her drunk state tonight. I'll give her baked goods for the rest of her life. "Don't want to deal with that." Actually I was leaving but I saw you sitting alone and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to converse with the girl I've been a lovefool for for over a decade. "You?"

"What?" She looks back over at me. At least the anger is gone, but she is still tense. The space between us is obvious to me in that moment, and yet it still seems to unnerve her. All I want to do is close it. I take a deep breath and try to get myself to focus again. I have always been told in school how great of a public speaker I am, and how I should try out for the debate team. I try to channel some of that into me now, into coward, in-over-his-head-for-a-girl Peeta.

"Why aren't you with your friends?"

She looks back ahead of her and shrugs, taking a light sip from her drink. "Madge got dragged off by your friends, Gale is drinking his weight and a half, and I haven't seen Johanna since she stole you."

"Yeah, I just got away from her," I add, trying to keep some conversation. I don't want to talk about Johanna though. Why did I bring that up? I curse every teacher who ever praised my skills of talking. This was disastrous.

Her one eyebrow raises and looks like she is about to ask what I did with all my time with her friend. Acquaintance. Whatever Johanna is. Speak of the devil though, and soon enough Johanna appears in front of us.

"Long time no see, Bread Lips." She winks at me. Just let me die, right here, and everyone forget that I existed. Bread Lips. She called me Bread Lips! In front of Katniss. I don't know if she truly does want to help me, wants me to truly try at getting Katniss to like me or if she's stringing me along on that belief just so she can fuck with me.

"What happened to Bread Boy?" I mutter under my breath. Or Blondie? Or how about when she actually called me Peeta? Lips, goddammit.

"Bread Lips?" Katniss asks, looking between two of us. She notices the change of my nickname from Johanna, and it's like I can almost see her mind and how it's working, trying to figure out how that change in nickname evolved from the amount of time we spent here this evening.

"We're leaving Brainless. I have to get TDH to my house and I need to get you home." She sees my confusion and mouths, "Tall, dark and handsome," knowing I didn't understand her acronym. She rolls her eyes. Obviously all I am is just some boy that doesn't know a goddamn thing. That can't kiss.

"Are you planning on driving? You've had a good amount to drink, Jo." Katniss asks her.

"Nope," She pops her p. "Bread Boy's friend that hosted the party has a bunch of DD's waiting to bring drunkards asses home. I got us one."

I stand up. "Alright. Good seeing you guys. Glad you could make it. I'll be heading out too now."

"How are you getting home?" Madge and Gale came up to our little group together and were looking at me in waiting.

"I'll walk. I don't live far." I try to get away but even as I try I know it's useless. I know what's going to happen, who's going to stop me.

"Not so fast." Johanna has a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from leaving. "We have a ride, you don't live far. Let us drive you. You've been limping enough these past few days and besides, it's the least I could do." I look at her to see her wink. I quickly just agree to get her to stop talking. I need her to stop with the new names and the overall alluding she's doing about how she kissed me.

We make our way to a some kid I've seen in the hallways before but never learnt the name of. "Let's go, Chauffeur! Lead us to our carriage." Johanna links her arm with the guy and the four of us follow slightly behind. We're brought to a minivan, that seems barely touched. I wonder if it's sole purpose is this, the drunk cart. I'm not even drunk. If I was old enough I'd probably be okay to drive, but seeing as how that wouldn't be the most legal thing for me to do, I'm not going to risk it.

I expect Johanna to sit in the front next to her new best friend, but she puts Madge up there. She takes the seats all the way in the back with Gale while me and Katniss get the two middle seats. They aren't connected seats, separated, and in my mind I try to imagine how much we are separated physically versus figuratively. I don't have any conversation to start with her, I don't ever want to speak another word (for the night) to Johanna, Madge is trying a polite conversation with the driver (I hear her telling quick directions to my house, being the closest) and Gale is well... Gale. That's all he is. I don't really know him, or anything about him. I know he's part of this group that always hang out with each other. I know there are rumors about how he gets around, although they seemed to die down. I know that he is closer to Katniss than I will ever be. So I guess a part of me hates him for that. A stupid part of me that I will never talk about.

But I hear noises coming from behind me, and sure enough a look behind me shows me the two of them, Gale and Johanna, with limbs straining to tangle with each other amongst the seatbelts and their lips locked, tongues dancing. My eyes widen and I quick turn back. All I can think is thank god Johanna didn't try and kiss me like that.

I hear a small light chuckle, and it takes me a bit to realize it's Katniss. It sounds so nice, so absolutely true and beautiful that I want her to keep laughing at whatever she's laughing at. When I turn to look at her finally, I see her looking at me. Ah. Makes sense. She's laughing at me. I assess my situation. I'm sitting with locktight muscles and my head forced to look ahead or at Katniss but not, at all, at the two in the back.

"You get used to it," Katniss mutters and turns away from me, and I thank anything and everything she turned so she wouldn't have another reason to laugh at me. I'm smiling like a fool because I know she didn't mean it but she indirectly told me I'd be in their company more. Which indirectly meant in her company more...

I try to stop those thoughts until they run away from me. "So you mean this is a regular occurrence?" When Johanna said she needed her tall, dark, and handsome home I figured it'd be some senior I didn't know (or, if we want to be accurate, a senior that has no clue who I am and I know every single stat of theirs). I didn't expect it to be one from their group. "Are they dating?"

"Don't use that word," Katniss tells me. I raise my eyebrow. Is the word "date" taboo to these people, or something? "That's not what they call it. I believe what they, uhm, say it is–"

Johanna stops attacking Gale for a moment so she could answer for me. "We're exclusively fucking, Bread Boy. Now just because you're subjecting yourself to not getting any doesn't mean I do the same. Talk about something else." She goes back to her task, and I look back ahead, trying to keep the embarrassment out of my face. I am not happy with Johanna right now. She needs to stop belittling me for some stupid ass goddamn thing like the fact that I never had sex with someone or was just kissed for the first time today. I'd probably be in the same situation even if I wasn't in love with Katniss. Maybe. Maybe I'd still want to wait for my first kiss to have some sort of feeling behind it, and even without Katniss I never would have felt it with any of the other girls. Maybe I'd still be so conscious of my mistakes and clumsiness, my limp in the bad weather, my mess ups that my mother likes to keep track of. I don't feel as if I exactly have the recipe for Casanova here.

"Here!" Madge calls out, and I see my house waiting for me with the front light on. I feel a bit embarrassed, the only person besides me that's not from the Seam is Madge. Still, they aren't gawking at the idea of living in a house that isn't in the Seam (or more-of, Katniss isn't gawking and Johanna and Gale are otherwise busy). I guess having Madge as a friend, whose house even makes me drop my jaw, will do that to you. My house isn't that big, but it's in better condition than most in the Seam.

I jump out of the car. "Thanks for the ride." I still don't know his name. I look inside the car. "I'll see you guys on Monday." My eyes are on Katniss because for some reason I can't seem to count tonight a loss until they drive off and it officially is. Her eyes flicker to mine and away, The others nod and tell me see you. Katniss mumbles her reply.

The car is leaving before I even take two steps away and I slip into the house, into my room. No stairs crack and I made it without running into anything. My footfalls are always heavy, were always heavy, but not anything to disturb any of the sleeping beauties in this house. I leave myself in only boxers and slump into my bed. My hand is over my eyes, and I let out a soft groan over the evening. Well, I at least talked to the damn girl. Whether or not she will ever talk to me again is an entirely different question. I made a right fool of myself, though I expect that was bound to happen. I remember Madge telling me that maybe I'd get a kiss this party. Well I guess the details of by who would've been a thing to think of. I shake my head. I shouldn't have invited them. I shouldn't have gone. I shouldn't have taken a nap that filled my mind with images of Katniss in ways I'll never actually see her so close to a party in which she'd be at.

I take a deep breath. I'll sleep it off. And tomorrow, I'll bake it off. On Monday, I have to face it all. I have to face them. I have to face Delly, too, and I don't know how that'll be. If she'll even remember how I brushed her off. If she did, if she'd even bring it up or act differently than me. She's a better person than me, easy to forgive and extremely loving. People say the same about me but I don't always feel like that. Right now I feel bitter and awful. And selfish. And just flat out like an idiot. I sigh and turn to my side. I almost hope for nightmares, because I don't know if it'd be more torture to have another dream about the ever out of my reach Katniss Everdeen.

Waking up only a couple hours later to my heartbeat stuttering and my entire body tense, I seem to have gotten at least one thing I wanted. Nightmares. Excellent.