Back Track in time (Leliana POV)

I watched my love sleep, the fire light glowing ethereally upon her face. She always looked so peaceful, especially in my arms. I felt my heart wrench, I hadn't even left her yet and I felt the impending loss and loneliness coming. She loves me, but I do not think even she can forgive me for what I am going to do.

If I could have told her everything Dorothea had told me in our many meetings, I would have. But when secrecy is needed, it must be maintained. Even if that means, keeping it from my soul. Dorothea, had assured me that seducing a mark would not be necessary. She had said breaking it off with her would not be necessary either. However, she could not travel with me.

I had argued that Phaedra was even more adept at hiding in shadows than myself. But she had made some fine points, quickly I saw the truth of her words. A bard must be prepared to do all that it takes to win over her mark and see the objective done. And that could very well mean, I would have to lay with another.

The very idea, made me sick, I did not want another to touch me so intimately. With my love I had gotten used to and enjoyed our nights together. After my imprisonment, the thought of another person invading my body made me sick and afraid. But, with her, I had learned to be intimate again. My scars did not detest her. She would always say; 'The scars give even more beauty to the whole piece.'

Looking upon my love, I wanted nothing more than to surrender myself to her again. It could potentially be our last time, in this lifetime. I knew if I were to leave tonight as Dorothea and I had planned, I could not make love to her again.

I knew she would wake when I got up. I also knew after our last time making love, she would be too tired and far less coherent to question my excuse too much. As predicted, she stirred but only slightly when I got up and put on a robe.

"Leli?" she asks her voice heavy with sleep. "Yes, mon amor?" I ask. "Are you going to another meeting?" she asks. The multiple meetings in secret hurt her still. I almost wished she would think I was being unfaithful. "No, ma vhenan. I am feeling a bit hungry. I was going to go to the kitchen and get some cider and a sweet roll. Would you like something?" I asked.

I knew her answer would be no, she never ate in the middle of the night. "No. (yawning) my love I am content. Please do not be long, it is so much colder without you next to me." Her words are barely discernable, but I would remember them for years to come, if not my whole life.

I had to fight the urge to break down, cry and tell my love all. I listened for her breathing and her quiet snores. This was my signal, it would be time to leave. Every moment after the first snore was harder and harder to bear. I had wanted to write her a note, but it hurt too much. What could I say. 'Sorry my love, but I must leave you. Please forgive me my betrayal.' There was nothing to say.

I had put the ring she had given me in an envelope, I was to give it to Dorothea, she would leave it for my love. I knelt and as quietly as possible lifted the lid of a chest, in our room. Marjolaine's recursive bow stared me in the face, mocking me. Since, Phaedra had given it to me, I had steadfastly refused to use the betrayer's bow.

I had to silence my weeping as I replaced the betrayer's bow with that of the one my love had made for me on my name day. I strung the betrayer's bow and slung it over my back. It seemed fitting to use this bow from now on. With one last look at my love, I left the room. In my mind, I felt like I had been ripped apart.

Once I got to Dorothea's private room, where all my supplies had been stashed, I changed, slung my pack and bow upon myself. She hugged me good bye, and I lost it then. My body began to convulse with my tears. She had apologized to me again. I nodded. "Make sure she gets this. I have no messages for her. Tell her whatever you wish." I said and through a secret passage way, I left.

My heart has broken every day since then. I have felt no joy, food and drink was ash again. Night was always the worst, it is when I missed her most. It is when I sang Suledin, and at times, I could have sworn I heard her sing it too. My hands absentmindedly clasp the ring returned to me, when I last checked in, and I remember the meeting, as I do her words that night.

"Phaedra, returned this to me. She said to make sure you got it and to tell you she loves you still and will wait for you." Dorothea says, and again my heart shatters. But, then fuses back together, and I touch the ring. I feel her in it. "How? How can she forgive me? I left her. I left her weeks before our wedding." I said.

"True love is rare. Soul love is even rarer. Your souls are connected, they will always be connected. You two will always love and find each other, no matter the lives you live. She knows, this hurts you as much as it hurts her. Hold on to that love, one day you two will be reunited again." She says to me.

Hesitant as I was before, if I must seduce every person in Thedas to see this task ended sooner. I would do so, I would hope she would forgive me for these transgressions too. As I would her. A fire becomes a raging inferno, I will do whatever it takes, to be with Phaedra again. And in this lifetime.

Time skip (Still Leliana's POV)

As the next year closed out, the second without my love, my fire seemed to die. It was never ending; no sooner is one thing taken care of another took its place. "Where is that bloody menace of a bird?" I hear Cassandra Pentaghast grumble. "You tell me Cassandra, the last place I sent her was to you." I said back.

Cassandra and I had to work this mission together, and we could barely see eye to eye. Despite her lover being a mage, her attitude towards other mages have not changed much. I so badly wanted to yell at her, she had read the book about the Fifth Blight, she had said it was, 'So she could get a general idea of whom I was.'

I had argued, that no one in our camp had even added anything to it. The book was written by a chantry sister, who had heard of what we did, and a collection of interviews with other people. Though, somewhat accurate, there was so much more to it.

She had tried, in vain to get me to tell her the tale through my eyes, but I still could not bring up my Phaedra, without feeling pain and shame. "Cassandra, I know you want to know, about my time in the Blight, and maybe one day I can tell you. But, right now, I still can't." I said.

She sighed irritated. "Well, it's not like you are forthcoming about how you became the Hero of Orlais, through your eyes, or Regalyan." I countered. She scoffs. "Alright, I concede. When I am ready to tell you, I would hope you would be of the same mind." She says. "We shall see. For now, let us finish the task at hand.

As I looked to the setting sun on the Horizon, I felt another pang of loss. My favorite Raven had been missing for almost a year now. I could not help but wonder, would this be a trend now. I put all my love into something or someone and I lose them.

(Phaedra POV. 9:33 Dragon)

I had waited patiently and anxiously for a letter from Dorothea, and my deepest hope, Leliana, for a year now. Rilia had reclaimed her ancestral home shortly after returning from the Deep Roads and even had work done on it. I still lived in the house in the Alienaged. A part of me, just did not care to move.

Mostly, I stayed because although Merrill was living part time with Rilia, she came to our house often enough. And honestly, I had nowhere else to go. I would travel with Rilia on occasion. Other times, I would visit Bethany, Cullen would always try to give us as much time as possible. He knew what I was, but he told no one. Which, was surprising to say the least.

I assume, Meredith was pleased with my work on their armor, two years ago, which I also continued to repair, on some occasions had replaced, when the sizes changed. Or else the time I spent with Bethany would be considerably less, and through the gates. But, she had allowed me on a couple of occasions to come into the Gallows. Despite my questionable associates.

It was on one of those occasions, when I was headed to my home and Bodahn had ran up to me. "Phaedra…" (huff huff) "Phaedra, there is a letter for you." he had said. "Breathe Bodahn, I get a lot of letters." I said my mind not putting it together. "Not like this…" he replied then realization hit me.

As stout as Bodahn was, I picked him up and ran for the estate. I crashed through the door. Aunty looks at me, disapprovingly. "I am sorry Aunty. I will fix it. I promise." I said. "You had better. Jolie, is being stubborn. As usual." She says pointing to the Raven currently on the chandelier.

I whistled once, after placing Bodahn down and putting on my glove. "Thank you." I said removing the message. She flew back over to the two dwarves, she had taken a liking to Sandal, as did Demos. I remembered Rufus had to.

I went into the library and sat in the chair lighting a lamp with the snap of a finger. I slowed my breathing and my heart. Hope was somewhat squashed when I saw it was a letter from Dorothea and only a letter from her. I began to read.

"Phaedra,

I apologize for taking so long to return a letter to you. I was indecisive about it at first. But I have seen that bloody bird of yours way too much.

I have received hundreds of letters from your family and friends, in both Kirkwall and Ferelden. And I have had to endure numerous pecks on my hands and arms from your Raven. Plus, she is obnoxiously loud.

I was not sure how to inform you of the situation here. Too many eyes and ears.

First, I will say, she is alive, and mostly well. She has been going through some growth. She has missed you terribly these last two years.

Secondly, I have not given her your letters. I do not do this out of hatred. I do this to keep her safe. She cannot be distracted. It has taken her a year to be able to focus completely on her tasks. However, I give you my word, once it is safe, I will give her every letter.

Thirdly, I cannot tell you where she is or where she goes. But I can at least update you as she checks in. at least, let you know she is alive.

And finally, please stop sending your bird. Any messages, I have for you or from you can go through Grand Cleric Elthina. I trust her completely. Our messages won't get lost. I would however encourage you, do not send anymore, personal messages. I cannot read them, but that does not mean no one else can.

Maker be with you,

Revered Mother Dorothea

I felt a bit of relief, at least now, I knew she was ok. I did not like that Dorothea had asked me to stop sending letters to Leli though. But, I would accept it, if it kept her safe. I pulled out some parchment and ink. Dipping the quill, I began to think of what to write. In the end I simply wrote.

"I accept your terms."

May the Maker and Creators be with you,

Lady Phaedra Amell.

I held out my gloved wrist. Jolie sat easily on my arm, and held out her leg. I stroked her wings. "I made a promise. No more trips to Valence for you." She ruffled her feathers and rubbed her head on my hand. I waved my hand and fixed the door, and said farewell, promising to be back for dinner.

It was still strange to me, to be made into nobility, and be referred to as Lady Amell. Leandra was also Lady Amell. But when we were together and being spoken to, by others outside of our family, she was Lady Amell and I was Mistress Amell.

"Lady Amell, it always a pleasure to see you." A chantry brother greeted me. "Brother Sebastian. How are you today?" I asked. "As well as I can be. Are you here to see the Grand Cleric?" he asks. "Possibly." I said. He walks with me, I can tell he wants something. Probably for me to bring a message to Rilia. "Brother, if you need something, just ask, skip the pleasantries." I said.

"I meant what I said, about seeing you. But, yes, there is something your cousin can help me with." He says. "Very well, the message please." I hold out my bird less hand. Phaedra had flown off to hunt before I entered the Chantry. Grinning like a school boy he hands me his message. I sigh and head to the Grand Cleric.

I bow to her. "Phaedra, I love seeing you here. I have never met anyone of Elven blood so devoted to the Maker." She says. "My love taught me of him, and I have found my own peace in him. I feel like The Maker connects us. I did try to stop coming, but the Chant always finds itself in my head." I said.

It was not so much as the Maker him/herself, but more of Leliana's voice reciting the chant. "I see Sebastian is continuing his pursuit of vengeance. I do wish he would just let it go." She says. I shrugged. "I am just the messenger." I said.

"I know, your cousin is the one whom encourages his pursuit." She says. I shrug again. "But that is not why you are here?" she asks. I shake my head and hand her my message. She takes it gently, a softness in her eyes.

"I had wondered when you would get her letter. I will make sure she gets it." She says. "Thank you Grand Cleric Elthina. I have abided by her request, no personal messages." I said sadness heavy in my heart. "How I wish it did not have to be this way. You have my sympathy." She says.

I nodded. "Thank you, Grand Cleric. These two years have been rough, but to know that I will at least know if my love is alright, helps." I said. "I hope you do not expect a monthly update, that may be too hard to manage." She says. "I do not. I remember, it sometimes took months for messages to get where they needed to be." I replied.

After asking and receiving a blessing from her, I went to Andraste's statue knelt at her stone feet and prayed. I prayed for strength, courage and patience. I prayed for Leliana's safety and protection. I nodded at the Grand Cleric and Brother Sebastian and left the Chantry.

It had been nearly four months since I first gave my note to Elthina. I kept busy with jobs and such. Some were with Rilia and the others, while others were just me. I tried not to be too bothersome to Elthina. Mostly, I went to the Chantry just to pray. I had not heard Leli's song it quite some time, I feared the worst.

I had been resting when I heard pounding on the door of my room I had rented again at the Hangedman. Merrill was staying with Rilia for the next few days, and I just could not sleep in that house, with that mirror still. Grabbing a robe Isabela insisted I had available, at all times, I clothed myself and answered the door. "Brother Sebastian, what brings you here?" I asked.

"Elthina sent me. There is a letter for you. I came to escort you. The Gangs have become more troublesome of late. I have had no run ins yet, but I figured you would not mind the extra bow." He says. "Your bow is welcome. I need to dress first." I said.

"I will wait for you downstairs." He said. I had considered sneaking off, but honestly, I could use the company. I had been much lonelier, without Feynriel visiting me. Even when I called out to him. I was slightly worried, I had sent a message through Rilia, to mother. She had said he was fine, he had explained to her that he had been furthering his dream walking, and could not hear me.

There were a few skirmishes on the way to the Chantry, but only in Hightown. I think we had eliminated the gang in Lowtown already. Once we entered the chantry we washed off what little blood had gotten on us from close quarters encounters. "Thank You, Brother." I said. "It's just Sebastian, Phaedra." He says.

I climbed the stairs and had gained permission to enter the Grand Cleric's room. "Grand Cleric?" I asked while my eyes adjusted, briefly worried this may be a set up. "I am here, give me a moment." I heard her say from behind the privy door. I sat in the chair across from hers at her desk. She comes out and washes her hands.

"Sorry, for the late hour." She says. "Do not worry Grand Cleric, when the letters come from her, I do not mind what hour it is." I replied. She hands me a sealed letter and a small package with it. I looked at her quizzically. She shook her head. I thanked her and left her room, so she could rest.

I figured Sebastian would want to escort me back, but I saw him praying and decided there was no hurry. Sitting in a pew, I opened the letter first the package catching my eye constantly.

"Lady Amell,

I received your last letter, I apologize for the delay. Your love has just checked in, personally. She is resting now, she is exhausted but otherwise fine. I also regret to inform you in a couple of days she and the Right Hand of the Divine are needed elsewhere again.

As usual, I cannot say where or what they are doing. If you have not noticed already, a package was sent as well. I pray that it serves you well.

Go with the Light of the Maker,

Revered Mother Dorothea.

I opened the package curious as to what this gift would be. It was an amulet, the sunburst etched on the front. I could feel magic running through it. I turned it over to an engraved message. It said; 'Time and distance may physically separate us, but our hearts beat the same'. I was a tad confused. A small note was attached.

"She had this made and enchanted for you. Two years ago. As a wedding gift. It had been misplaced. We just received it." D. The enchantment on it, seemed to be a protection spell. I felt my heart stutter and swell. I had doubted countless times if she wished to be tied to me as my wife.

Regardless, of the knowledge of our past lives. She still wanted to marry me. It seemed silly now, as I held the amulet kissing it and cupping it with my hands. It was silly to ever doubt her love for me. Tears began to slide down my face, a mixture of sadness and joy.

"Phaedra, are you ready to go?" Sebastian asks me. "I think, I would like to stay here for the night." I said. "Very well. Let's find you a bed then." he says holding his hand out to me. I put the amulet on. It fell right over my heart. I could feel the warmth of her love and the enchantment on it, and for the first time, I felt lighter. The sorrow had lifted, for now.

The next day found me traipsing through a sewer with Anders, Varric, and Rilia. "So, we are looking for this Ser Alrik?" I asked. "Yes. I need to find evidence of his Tranquil Solution. You stayed at the Chantry last night." Anders tells me.

"And your point is?" I asked. "The Chantry has probably approved his solution. You would not happen to know anything of it?" He asks suspiciously. "I have not even heard of Ser Alrik, nor this tranquil solution." I said.

"Then why were you there?" He asks. "My business is my own, if I felt it needed to be shared I would have. For the record Grand Cleric would not approve of Ser Alrik's solution. She is a lot more sympathetic to the Mages than you believe." I said.

"Then why has she remained neutral?" he asks. "Because she has no choice. Not all mages are miserable in all the circles. Templars are not all bad. I know a few whom are good. Just like every mage is not good or innocent. I have known a few whom weren't." I said.

He stopped and started in on Rilia. "And you, I have tried to hold my tongue, but hearing about the Eluvian… Merrill won't ever choose you over blood magic. She is just going to hurt you." He says. Rilia and I smack him. "You do not speak of my betrothed like that. I love her, she loves me." Rilia says.

He rubs his cheek. "She is a blood mage." He says as if that was enough of a reason to cast her out. "And you are considered an abomination. Does that mean you are out to kill us?" I asked him back. "No. But this is different." He says. "I see no difference in what Phae said." Rilia says.

He goes silent and nods. We continue to go through the smuggler's caves. "Lyrium Smugglers. Sure. Let's add to the already dangerous situation." Rilia says. I began walking next to Anders. "What Phaedra? Would you like to strike me again?" he asks.

I sighed. "No, Anders. But that was earned. What happened to you while you were in the Circle. Why do you hate them so much?" I asked. "They never really did anything to me, several of my friends. My lover. You heard about Karl, yes?" he asked. I nodded.

"So, nothing happened to you personally, besides your freedom being taken?" I asked. "No. But all of the mages whom suffer, they are too afraid to speak up. I speak for them. I want justice seen, for them and my friends and Karl." He said.

"Anders, are you sure it is Justice you want, or is it Vengeance?" I ask. He looked at me strangely. "Justice can easily become Vengeance, if the hatred and anger in one's heart is too great." I said.

He shrugs. "I am in control as is Justice, we seek the same goals. Freedom for mages. Can you not say, you prefer freedom over imprisonment?" He asks me. "Who doesn't. I am no different. But again, I am trying to bring it to your attention. Freedom is good, but Civil War is not. I have helped you many times free mages through the underground." I said.

"Then I still do not get why you won't help me more. Or see my point. The Templars will never let us go." He says. "I helped those mages, because they wanted to be free. And I did not see how it could cause war for a few to go through." I said.

We were silent a few moments. I wondered if he was aware of how many Blood Mages his underground freed. "Anders, you say you want freedom for all mages. Does that include Blood Mages?" I asked. He stops in his tracks. He begins to walk again, he has no words. "They are mages, just like the others, do they not deserve freedom?" I ask.

"I want to say yes, but Blood Mages, are evil and dangerous. Look at how many blood mages we have to kill." He says. "Dangerous or not, they are still mages whom desire freedom. They believe that is the only way. But, they go too far and innocent people, are caught in the crossfire." I said.

He sighs frustrated. "Make your point already, Phaedra." He says. "You will not like it, but as you wish. You think a revolution is right, because there is no other way. Blood Mages, abuse Blood Magic because they see no other way. Both cause the innocents to suffer" I said.

"You dare compare me to a Blood Mage? I have used my powers to heal and aide others. Blood Magic does not heal, it only harms and kills." He says. "You know nothing of what true blood magic is. Like all magic it is not inherently evil. The wielder makes it so." I said.

"You are no Blood Mage, what do you know?" he asks. "Neither are you, but what I am, is an Arcane Mage. I have studied and understand every magic known to man and spirit. You have been on jobs with Merrill. Did her magic ever kill someone whom was not trying to kill us?" I asked.

"Well, no, but the possibility is still there." He says. "I agree, but would it distress you to know that Merrill puts her life in jeopardy, by using her own blood, to help carry you through hard battles?" I asked. "She does?" he asks. "Yes, when she is with us on jobs, does your magic not feel stronger?" I ask him. He nods.

"That is because she allows herself to grow weaker, so all of us are stronger." I said. He sighs. "Maybe, Merrill isn't as evil as I thought, but she did make pacts with Demons." He says. "I do not deny that, nor do I approve of it, but it does not make me hate her. Just as you allowed a spirit to possess you and move through you does not make me hate you. By the way, I do not approve of that either." I said.

"Are you sure you do not hate me? Because, I can't always tell." He says. "I do not hate you. I hate that you disregard other's lives in pursuit of your own goals." I said. "I do not!" he shouts. "Oh, so if a good man like Cullen, or Thrask, were to be killed due to your actions, you would feel guilty." I stated.

"They are Templars. Phae." He says. "They are still good men. Rilia is learning the Templar arts, is she a bad person because of it?" I ask. "No, no of course not. She understands the Mages plight, she helps me work to free them." He says.

"Thrask, made sure those Mages from Stark Haven had the opportunity to escape. Cullen has never turned you, Merrill or me in and he knows we are mages. He has stopped several Templars trying to abuse their power." I said.

"Okay, so they are both good men, even if they are Templars." He says. "You have made a good point. I will try to find another way. If there is one." He says. "Good Enough for me." I said. Our conversation had just finished by the time we found Alrik and his followers.

"Be a good lass now, once you are made tranquil, you will do whatever we want." He says to the mage. His eyes leering and a bulge growing in his pants. I feel the shifting air. "Get your hands off her!" Rilia shouts. The violent shift pulls at me and Justice has taken over. I could feel the anger and hatred burning brightly from him.

When Alrik falls, Justice is still in control, still just as angry. "Anders Stop! That girl is a mage. We rescued her from being made tranquil." Rilia says. "She is one of theirs, I can feel it." Justice says. "She is the reason you are fighting Anders. Do not turn on her now." I add my voice to the mix.

I do not know if it was our words that reached him or the girl begging for mercy. But as Justice raises his hand to strike her down. "I will have my Vengeance! I feel Anders fighting for the surface. The light in his eyes shimmers into Anders eyes, back to Justice and finally Anders gains control.

"Maker! No! I almost… if you weren't here… I would have… I need to get out of here." He says. he rushes out of the caves. "Well, this does not bode well. What are we supposed to do about Blondie? This cannot be good." Varric says. "No, it isn't." Rilia sighs, then continues. "It would help, if I knew what almost happened."

"His anger was to strong. Justice became Vengeance." I said. "Is he an abomination, now? How dangerous is he?" Rilia asks me. "He is no more dangerous than he was before, if he can stay in control. As far as an abomination, I do not know." I answered.

Once we entered Kirkwall proper, Varric and I headed to the Hangedman. Seeing, what we saw, a drink was needed. "What do you think Hawke will do?" Varric asks. "I hope she can talk to him, I may not agree with his ideals completely. But Kirkwall's clinic is needed." I said.

We drank for a couple of hours before Rilia and Anders joined us. "Are you staying Blondie?" Varric asks. "Yes. Rilia and I have come to an agreement. I won't be joining you guys on jobs as much, but I will remain at my clinic if I am needed." He said.

"And Justice?" Varric asks. "Unfortunately, we are still sharing my body, but I am going to begin looking for a way to separate us." He says. We hand him a pint. "We will help you as much as we can, with that." I said to him. He nods in agreement, though we are still worried, we welcome him with open arms.