Dear Sasuke,

I've started to realize that this pain that I'm feeling will never go away. I'm sure you have so many questions, and I'm sorry that I've always had to give you the runaround about what's been going on with me. I'm so goddamn tired of living with all of these feelings. I've tried so hard to get better, but nothing is changing. I keep forgetting who I am as a person. I feel as though my identity has been stolen. I've ever been so existential as to wonder "who am I?" but that's been something I've been asking myself a lot lately. I guess I'm still a bit shaken up about mother and father brushing me off. I had hoped they'd be more understanding. I supposed I can't blame father for not knowing what to do when his perfect child isn't so perfect anymore. I miss them. I miss father's constant nagging for me to do my best. He hardly speaks to me anymore. At least when he was nagging me I knew he cared. I'm so sorry I can't tell you exactly what I've been going through. You keep having to deal with my mistakes, and that's not fair to you. I feel like a waste of space. I just take and I take and I take and I never give anything in return. I've been neglecting you so badly, Sasuke. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you as well. I want you to know that things will be different soon. You won't have to worry about me anymore. Please never forget how much I love you, Sasuke.

It was September, Sasuke's least favorite month of the year. The leaves had just barely begun to turn and the air was finally starting to burn his lungs during his walks home from school. He hated the detachment he felt during the numbness of early fall. There was no significance in these first few weeks of the season, and he had just begun high school. He had imagined something much more glamorous waiting for him. He supposed he would have to try harder to be social if he was ever going to make the rest of the ordeal tolerable. It was early afternoon, and the streets were bustling with teenagers excited about the weekend. His walk home was somewhat pleasant; he enjoyed the solitude it offered as he lumbered down the road. The crispness in the air made his nose sting and his eyes water as he passed his old elementary school. He spotted a few of the kids from his neighborhood and waved hello as he passed the playground to the crosswalk. He tried to keep to the right to avoid oncoming cars, annoyed that the shortest path back to his house didn't have any sidewalks towards the end. His hands felt a lick of moist, chilly air as he took them out of his pockets to change the song on his phone. He noted the greyness of the sky overhead. He likened the color to Itachi's eyes after he had been crying. The smoky clouds were uncharacteristic for how early it was in the afternoon, but he disregarded it as oncoming rain as he saw his house come into view. Entering through the side door, he slid off his boots and dropped his bag on the bench in the corner of the mud room.

"Mom?" He checked, hearing no response. He was used to coming home to an empty house in the afternoons. His father wasn't due until later that evening and his mother often took walks with the other mothers in the neighborhood while the weather was still bearable. Feeling his stomach rumble, he grabbed a cheese stick from the fridge and bounded up the stairs to his room. He heard soft, calming music leaking out of Itachi's bedroom as he walked by. Excited that his brother was home, he called out his name.

"Itachi?" He pushed his brother's door open gently and stepped inside. Itachi was resting on his bed in an unnaturally perfect position. His hands were clasped over his chest as if he were posing. "Ita." Sasuke moved further into the room, wanting Itachi to wake up so that they could shoot some hoops in the backyard until their mother came home to make dinner.

"Itachi, c'mon wake up." He closed the distance between them, putting his hands on his elder brothers shoulders and shaking him gently. Unresponsive and cold, Itachi's mouth opened slightly from the movement. Shaking him more violently, Sasuke's throat began to close up as he realized that his brother wasn't waking up.

"Itachi!?" His voice had turned frantic as he shook his brother even more violently. Itachi's long ponytail swished side to side as Sasuke shook him.

"Oh my god! Itachi please wake up!" Sasuke begged his brother frantically, feeling for a pulse that wasn't there. He dropped his ear to his mouth, desperately listening for any sign of breathing before running down the stairs and grabbing the home phone from its charging station on the kitchen counter.

Sasuke's phone was no match for his bath as he dropped it into the water, hands fumbling from the surprise of hearing that song come on shuffle. He thought he had removed the artist from his phone, but the haunting melody that played as he desperately tried to revive his brother all those years ago continued to play in a garbled moan as he quickly fished his phone out of the bath. Leaping from the bath, he slid down the stairs; wet feet nearly causing him to lose his balance as he headed for his pantry. He dropped his phone down into his huge bag of rice and silently prayed that it wasn't toast.

He made his way up the stairs, shivering from the air conditioning hitting his bare, dripping skin. He let the water drain, toweling off and moving into his room to slip into another pair of his endless supply of worn out sweatpants.

His thoughts drifted to his conversation with Suigetsu from last week when they had lunch on campus.

"Maybe talking to Shisui would give you the closure you need," his friend suggested over his lunch. It was a futile attempt to console Sasuke's aching heart. Sasuke didn't believe that closure was a real thing, and Suigetsu's suggestions were just rehashed ideas that he had back in highschool. Everyone felt useless. He felt as though nothing would ever be resolved. The only person that had a thread of understanding was nowhere to be found.

She was never sure of me, but I was always sure of her.

He let his thoughts drift further, pondering Suigetsu's suggestions further as he paced his kitchen; his water-logged phone resting in its rice bed as he shuffled.

Sasuke hadn't seen Shisui in nearly 8 years. Itachi's funeral was a small, private affair held at the church they grew up going to. The Uchiha's had extended Shisui a personal invitation to the ordeal, under the guise that he was Itachi's best friend, and not the lover that Sasuke had come to know reading Itachi's final words. He questioned whether or not Shisui knew that Itachi had left such intimate details of their relationship to him. He hadn't known Shisui very well, but he knew that if he was in the same position, he'd be fairly uncomfortable that his personal experiences were written somewhere, being read by someone outside of the relationship. He likened it to Hinata's cousin Neji reading the journal pages detailing his fantasies about her, and the idea made Sasuke shudder.

He wondered if the romantic nature of the relationship was the reason Shisui had skipped out on his brother's funeral. Maybe he was worried that Itachi had finally come out to his family and their reactions were the catalyst that made his decision for him.

That's what drove Sasuke absolutely insane. There was no definite answer. It was just easy to blame his father for Itachi's pain.

He had picked up his phone countless times, pulling up his parent's numbers, clicking his phone off before giving himself the chance to dial. He didn't have the strength to face them. The shame that Itachi had left in his childhood home was too much to bear. Hadn't it been far too long to forgive them? For them to forgive Sasuke? To forgive Itachi? Sasuke had no idea how his parents were feeling, and he mostly didn't care to.

Sasuke had never considered himself an angry person until Naruto pointed it out to him in class one day while they were discussing Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, and Sasuke ranted about Benedick's fickleness. It was innocent; a childlike wonder in which Naruto was fascinated by Sasuke's passions and Sasuke was embarrassed he had let himself go so far.

He couldn't seem to get the blonde off of his mind. His constant cluster fuck of thoughts had begun to take its toll on him as he let his focus drift from Naruto's eyes to Hinata's thighs. Shaking his head violently, he bounded down the stairs to the kitchen cabinet and poured himself a glass of wine. He reached for a bit of toast and slapped some cheese on top, sinking down onto the couch. He watched his softened stomach rise and fall as he sipped his wine. Sasuke's strict diet and exercise regime had begun to falter in light of recent events, and he couldn't bring himself to maintain his protein intake or hit up the campus gym with his friends. Unfortunately, Sasuke knew that it was starting to show, which only depressed him further.

He finished off the bread and cheese, sliding open his phone and clicking open his Buzzfeed app to take a stupid quiz to remedy his boredom. Just as he was about to click on Answer Six Random Questions And We'll Reveal Your New Celebrity Boyfriend his phone began buzzing rapidly with an incoming call from the very guy that wouldn't get out of his fucking head.

He debated answering, realizing it was friday and instantly feeling guilty for his plans to break his promise about the frat party. Sasuke gritted his teeth, exhaling deeply and picking up the call just a couple rings shy of letting the voicemail get it.

"Hey Sas, where you at? I texted ya but you didn't answer!" Sasuke heard the bumping and grinding of the music in his ear, and he shuddered at the thought of leaving his house tonight for any reason other than take out. Setting down his wine, he took a deep breath, wracking his brain for a polite excuse so as not to offend his friend.

"Hey Naruto, I'm so sorry I didn't respond. I haven't been feeling well lately so I don't think I'm going to be able to make it to the party. But I'll see you on monday, ok?" Sasuke bit his lip, hoping that Naruto's density would work in his favor and that he wouldn't detect the insincerity in his voice he so desperately tried to mask.

"Yo man are you good? You sound kinda off…" His voice trailed off, and Sasuke heard a female voice calling Naruto's name.

"Yep! Have fun! Bye." He ended the call quickly, tossing his phone onto the coffee table and picking his wine back up. He took a few more sips, until he was finishing his glass. And then he had another, and then another. Effectively wine drunk, Sasuke almost didn't notice when the doorbell rang for the first time. But then it rang again, and he stumbled his way to the front, his heart begging God for the person on his porch to be Hinata. He opened the door slowly, and was met with none other than his Advanced Literature partner.

Naruto was a very distinct and boyish handsome; his long blonde hair was sticking up every which way from the light drizzle of autumn rain that was beginning to wind down. His eyes, bright and cheerful, instantly dropped when he took in Sasuke's disheveled state. He pushed his way in, sans invitation, and Sasuke protested.

"Dude, what are you doing? I didn't say you could come in." Naruto walked into the kitchen, retrieving a cup from the cabinet and filling it with water. He walked back over to Sasuke wordlessly, and launched the water at his confused face.

"What the fuck?" Sasuke stuttered, shivering as the liquid hit his bare skin.

"Sober enough to talk now?" Naruto rolled his eyes, making his way to the love seat in the living room and beckoning Sasuke to sit with him. Sasuke followed in disbelief. He was certain he and Naruto weren't good enough friends for him to behaving so comfortably in his home.

"How the fuck did you get my address?" He sunk down next to him, running a hand through his dripping hair.

"Suigetsu's my weight lifting instructor. He didn't tell you?" Naruto shifted his body to completely face Sasuke. "So are you going to tell me what's going on, or am I gonna have to sober you up some more?"

"God Uzumaki what's wrong with you? What about your party?" Sasuke nearly shouted. He couldn't believe he was so attracted to someone so...annoying.

"I don't care about a stupid party. We'll save my childhood traumas for another time. I'm here for you, Sasuke," his tone softened.

"Why do you care? Why would you go so far for me? You don't even know me." Sasuke shifted away from him, his words slurring and his heart pounding harder with every breath.

"Cause I'm your friend!" It seemed so straightforward. So simple. Sasuke's heart broke further as a tear slipped from his left eye, and Naruto's reassuring smile twisted to confusion as Sasuke dropped his head into his hands.

"God...I'm so embarrassing when I'm shit faced. I hope you don't hold this against me," Sasuke muttered, wiping his tears away. He was unable to look Naruto in the face.

"It's really fine, Sasuke. Do you want to talk about it?" Naruto's scraggly voice soothed Sasuke's pounding brain as he slowly lifted his face, forcing himself to meet his friend's gaze.

"God...where do I start? I'm worried about scaring you off. But maybe it's best I just tell you everything, and then you can decide. I won't hold anything against you. I'm just worried you'll get tired of me." Sasuke shuddered at his openness. What was it about Naruto that made him want to spill his guts?

"I can tell you a bit about me first, if that makes you more comfortable. I know vulnerability can be scary. I've just got this mantra I follow...to never give up. To never go back on my word. So I'm sorry if I come off pushy and demanding. I just like you a lot, Sasuke. I want us to be friends."

"It's fine. Can you go first though?" Naruto nodded his head, taking a deep breath.

"It's been just me and my mom for a while, now. My dad passed away when I was 17. We were on the way back from my birthday dinner. I had just gotten my license, so he let me drive…" Naruto's voice began to trail off, and Sasuke's heart broke at the realization of what he was about to say.

"Naruto...you don't have to-"

"And it was late. Someone had been drinking, and...well I'm sure you can figure out what happened." Naruto shook his head slightly. "I haven't cried about it in a while. It's really fine. I know my dad is ok up in heaven and stuff. But like...I worry about my mom a lot. I think she's pretty lonely when I'm at school."

"And so you live at home, then?" Sasuke pressed gently. Naruto nodded, leaning back into his seat. He kept his eyes locked on Sasuke's so intensely that he had to turn away.

"Hey...your eyes are grey, not black. I never noticed that before." Sasuke felt the scalp turn pink at Naruto's comment, and he internally cursed himself for letting his crush turn him into a blushing schoolgirl.

"I'm really sorry about your father, Naruto."

"'S ok. I've accepted what happened. God has a plan for all of us."

"Well why the fuck was it God's plan for my brother to kill himself?" Naruto's jaw dropped open like in Saturday morning cartoons, and Sasuke berated himself for being so rash. "God, I'm sorry. What the fuck is wrong with me? Have I scared you off, yet?" Naruto shook his head slowly, prompting Sasuke to continue with his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I know that's not even how it works. I'm a Christian too. I haven't been to church in years though." Naruto nodded understandingly, waiting for Sasuke to continue.

"Um...so I had a brother. Itachi. He was about 5 years older than me, but we were super close. He was my best friend. When I was fourteen, I…" A fresh wave of tears escaped Sasuke's eyes and he angrily wiped them away.

"Sasuke." He turned to meet the blonde's gaze. "It's okay to miss him. It's okay to cry about it. It's okay to be angry. I have the feeling that you don't really understand that. It's okay." Naruto's face was like smooth marble in its seriousness. Sasuke looked up through his tears, just barely able to make out the whisker markings on Naruto's cheeks through the blurriness.

"I found him…" Sasuke finally allowed himself to break down, and to his surprise, Naruto closed the distance between them and held him. Sasuke's concept of time skewed in Naruto's embrace. He had no idea why he felt so compelled to share such intimate details with a near stranger. Not even Suigetsu knew this much about Itachi. The only person who knew this much...wasn't speaking to him. Finally, Naruto released him and pulled away, waiting for their eyes to meet again.

"I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, Sasuke." Naruto's voice ached with authenticity, and Sasuke felt his heart heal just the smallest bit at his words.

"I just miss him more than I can admit…"

"I know how you feel," Naruto's eyes clouded over. "So badly, it hurts…"

"There's so much more I wish I could say...If I could get to know you better...please be patient with me." Sasuke ran his hands through his damp hair, shivering. He reached for the blanket on the lounge chair and threw it over himself to cover his bare chest.

"I feel the same way…" Naruto let his eyes flutter closed. Sasuke watched him breathe, marveling at his friend's beauty. Naruto's openness and acceptance of his heart only made Sasuke fall for him even harder. He had never felt so conflicted. The guilt of being attracted to someone else, when he knew he was in love with Hinata, was making his head hurt more than the alcohol. In his mess of feelings, he leaned forward, pressing his lips to Naruto's. Naruto's eyes fluttered open and he gently pushed him off.

"God dammit. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that." Sasuke's face turned bright red in frustration.

"No, it's ok. I just don't want you doing anything you regret, Y'know? You're drunk right now. But as long as we're being honest, I've wanted to kiss you since the first time I sat next to you in class, Sasuke. So please don't think I'm saying no. 'Cause I'm not. I just want to kiss you when you're sober." Sasuke's head began spinning at the poignant honesty of his words. And he thought Hinata wore her heart on her sleeve! Naruto was by far the most open person he had ever met.

Naruto said goodbye shortly after that, telling Sasuke he was glad he came by. Sasuke wasn't sure where they stood as he shut the door behind him, and he was still uncomfortable coming to terms with the vulnerability he had displayed.

Itachi,

I feel impossibly close to him, as if our very hearts are connected. I've dumped everything on him and he's stayed! We've only known each other for a few days and yet he's accepted my past! Had we been separated before meeting and don't remember? I feel as though I've been waiting for him forever. He's confusing my feelings so badly. I feel like I'm cheating on someone that isn't even mine. But whether it's Hinata, or Naruto, or someone entirely different, I'm just glad there's people thinking about you still.