Author's Note: Just a reminder to please review this story, and to let me know if you would be interesting in me writing a "sixth season" for the Titans! The more reviews I get the faster I post :)
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In order to avoid another unexpected transformation, Raven and Beast Boy made sure they mediated at least once every day, sometimes more. It was exhausting to say the least, and it certainly wasn't pleasant work sorting through unpleasant memories. Since Raven would also feel and see at least a fraction of what Beast Boy saw, she too found herself being slightly affected. Sometimes the two would catch themselves snapping at each other after a session for little to no reason. As they continued to sift through Beast Boy's memories however, there became an active change in his recent behaviors.
For starters, Beast Boy noticed a drastic change in his emotions. Although he could sometimes be irritable or upset after reliving his memories, on a day-to-day basis his mood improved significantly. There weren't many things that bothered him these days, including Robin and Starfire's public displays of affection. He also hadn't unintentionally changed his physical appearance since the battle with Doctor Light.
Moreover, the changeling began to notice a shift in his interactions with Raven. He had always considered Raven to be a close friend, but these days he found himself acting strangely around her. In the past her sarcastic comments would earn a grin or a stink eye from Beast Boy, but more recently he found himself laughing nervously or blushing. Whenever she took his hands to begin a session he felt his heart beat faster, and he really hoped she didn't notice how clammy his grip became.
Raven, it seemed, had noticed a similar behavior on her end but for a different reason. She became more hesitant around Beast Boy, especially each time after they mediated together. Even though she found herself enjoying his company more and had noticed how easily the two managed to strike up a conversation outside of the sessions, she felt herself churning with confusion.
Sometimes it felt as though Beast Boy looked at her as more than a friend, and sometimes she would entertain that thought and what it would be like. As soon as she would catch what she was doing, however, she would subdue any of these farfetched fantasies. What Beast Boy was feeling must not have anything to do with how he genuinely felt; rather, it was a product of trying to balance unstable emotions. Raven had seen Terra appear in his unpleasant memories many times, far more than she had for which she was grateful. Despite this, it had occurred to Raven that his shy glances might be from over emotions meant for Terra, not for her. Because of this, she swore to maintain boundaries with the vegetarian.
Little did either Titan know that a third Titan had also noticed the growth in their relationship. Although Starfire would probably never mention it to anyone, she hadn't left the infirmary hallway right way. She was still far too anxious for her friend to leave the premises, so she had floated silently to a nearby window and had watched what had transpired.
The Tamaranian was captivated with the way Raven had held Beast Boy's face and was surprised to find that the changeling hadn't tried to resist her in his feral state. Raven's head had leant down, her nose brushing Beast Boy's, their lips only centimeters apart.
Starfire had flown away after this. She felt as though a moment so intimate should not be meant for others. She had considered telling Robin, for he was her boyfriend and best friend, but even telling him did not seem appropriate or fair to her friends. She opted to curiously watch the two Titans at a distance, never interfering but always being available if either of them needed to have "the girl talk."
It had been almost two weeks since Raven and Beast Boy had started their sessions, and Raven believed them to be nearly finished. She was planning to continue their mediation routine for another week, partly to be on the safe side but also because she secretly enjoyed how close she felt with the green Titan during them.
Even an hour before sessions, Beast Boy would come to her room just to talk to her about anything. She would tell him what she had been reading and he would always relay it back to the graphic novels he enjoyed. The two discussed how they had heard the theory that there were only truly five original stories in the world, and the rest were mere adaptations of them.
Sometimes Raven would even feel comfortable enough to talk about her feelings. Malchior had come up twice, and although both conversations had been brief, she had felt as if Beast Boy was truly invested in what she was saying.
She noticed how he never brought up Terra. Not even once. Perhaps she would test the waters and mention her.
Raven watched Beast Boy as he lay on his back on the floor of her room. One arm propped his head up behind his back and the other rested on his stomach. He stared up at the ceiling as he talked to her. She watched the gentle rise and fall of his breath and the way his ears bobbed as he talked.
"Raven?" he asked, turning to her, and she realized he had repeated his question.
"What?" she said, caught off guard.
Beast Boy sat up. "I said we should probably get started now, don't you think?"
Raven nodded, embarrassed with herself for spacing out. She crossed her legs until she was in lotus position, and after Beast Boy mirrored her she took his hands. He looked at her expectantly.
"We are going to try something a little different today," she told him. He cocked his head to the side. "Although balancing negative emotions requires us to sift through them," she continued, "occasionally it helps to also relive happy memories. These are the memories that you cherish the most, the ones you'll always want to carry with you."
Beast Boy seemed pleased that they would be looking through something other than his worst memories. Raven tried not to notice that he had squeezed her hands a little tighter.
"Whenever you're ready, Rae-Rae."
Raven rolled her eyes before taking a deep breath. Her thumbs brushed over the back of Beast Boy's hands carefully, a reminder that the days she would get to touch him like this again were numbered. She closed her eyes.
"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos."
As usual there were only flashes of memories that made themselves present for Raven to view. She saw her friends laughing all together as a team, saw the joy on Beast Boy's face when he realized Star had survived Thunder and Lightening's attack, the first time Terra looked at him as more than a friend, when the team had played a rousing game of football, when she had admitted she didn't hate him while they were trapped in her mirror, when Terra had returned, when Raven hugged him tightly after Malchior, when he leaned in to kiss Terra before they were interrupted, when the team had defeated the Brotherhood of Evil, when Raven talked to him about his Beast, when Beast Boy gave her his lucky penny…
Time seemed to freeze and the next memory was silent.
Raven looked around confused. The boundaries of this memory were fuzzy as if Beast Boy was struggling to remember the details. As if the memory did not exist at all…
This must be his free thought, one of his desires, she thought.
Unlike the other images, Raven lived through this fantasy, rather than watched as an observer. When she moved forward she moved with Beast Boy's legs, swung his arms. She looked from side to side, coming to the conclusion she was on the roof of the Titans' Tower. It was dusk; the sky was a swirling blue and purple, reminding Raven of the cotton candy Starfire loved at the Jumpy City boardwalk carnival.
Raven looked up, still living through Beast Boy's body. She saw a figure sitting on the edge of the roof. Their hair blew gently in the breeze.
Raven felt her chest constrict with nerves, with pain, with hurt. She felt confusion and wonder and panic. Then slowly at first but then all at once warmth settled throughout her. She had never felt anything like it, so she was reluctant to let it go as the fantasy faded to black.
Beast Boy opened his eyes to see Raven staring back at him curiously. They had returned once again to her room, their hands still locked. He knew she had seen this last image, this thought he has created, he just didn't know how much he was able to recreate for her. He also knew she had felt what he had felt when she had witnessed it. He had wanted her to know, wanted her to understand.
He uncrossed his legs, moving to his knees so he could look at her. He untangled their hands so he could reach over and carefully pull down her hood. She watched him, and he wondered if she could tell how hard his heart was beating. Before he lost the feeling inside his chest completely, he dipped his head down and connected his lips with hers.
Raven's eyes widened, and she snapped her head back immediately. Beast Boy fell back onto his behind, startled. Raven threw her hood back up quickly, once again throwing up her protective barrier.
"You shouldn't," she stated, standing up.
Beast Boy's mouth hung open. "W-why?" he asked, also rising.
Raven frowned. "Your emotions have been affected. This session was meant to balance happy memories and feelings. You're confused."
Raven was angry with herself for allowing something like this to happen. She knew balancing emotions would be a messy business, but she had never imagined that her own feelings would get caught in the middle.
"I'm not confused," Beast Boy insisted. "I wanted you to see what you saw."
"And I saw it all," Raven snapped, a part of her feeling irrationally hurt that Terra had still managed to slip her way into several of his happy memories. As much as Raven didn't want to admit it, it did hurt, and it suddenly made everything all clear.
"She's the reason you've been having trouble with your Beast," Raven concluded.
Raven didn't need to clarify who "she" was.
"When you saw her again, the pain of the memories allowed him to resurface. Rather than deal with the pain as a human, it becomes easier to cope when you can't love and feel pain the same way a human can. It's why you can't stand the sight of Robin and Starfire," she continued, referring to his verbal reaction during their movie night.
"So maybe that's the reason," Beast Boy shrugged. "It sucked to see her walk away after all she's been through with us…and with me. I don't know. What I do know is I'm not letting those feelings get to me anymore. I mean it, Rae."
He looked up at her, a small smile on his face. "But what I do know is when I'm with you-"
"You're confusing what you feel for her with me," she interrupted him; not being able to stand the possibility that it was all a lie. The pain would be overbearing.
Beast Boy's eyes dimmed and his smile faded. His expression turned cold, but Raven could tell what she said had really hurt him. She felt a stabbing pain of guilt. Many emotions travelled over Beast Boy's face for several moments before he finally settled on anger. He stepped close, so his face was level with hers.
"I didn't complain when you saw all of my memories, all of my embarrassing thoughts and feelings," he said, his voice laced with ice. "I didn't care that you saw me at my worst. I didn't care if you got to see something so personal. But don't you dare tell me what I feel."
His voice cracked on the last word, and he stood back from her, his mask already breaking. Raven's eyes widened, shocked at such an admission. She wished she had the time to think of a reply, but anything she would have said fell on deaf ears as Beast Boy left her room. She couldn't help but think it felt like he was leaving much more.
