Chapter 4: She's Not There

Amelia sat at her desk, listening to some AC/DC as she painted her nails a bright yellow (after carefully clipping them). While the manicure didn't ask much of her attention—seeing as she had automatised the process long ago—the music didn't really register. She was thinking.

The booklets of Helpful Tips Anya had bestowed upon her were lying on her desk. She had wanted to throw them away right upon entering the house, but something had compelled her not to do so just yet. Even if the visit had been embarrassing to the absolute max, it would be a waste of paper to just throw some carefully constructed informative booklets into the trashcan without sparing them a single glance.

While blowing on her nails to help dry them a little bit faster, Amelia found her eyes constantly being pulled back to those conspicuous squares lying over at the corner of her desk, a funky font drawing her attention, especially since doubled with heavy tints of dark pink, fluorescent yellow and a soothing aquamarine. Ten Tips to Achieve a Happier Ending. Treat Your Body Like a Queen's. How to Stay Healthy & Happy. Amelia briefly wondered if Anya had made use of these too.

The girl could feel her cheeks burn as she placed her hands flat on top of the desk. Bad thoughts, baaaad thoughts. No. She would not use these. Not while feeling so…disconcerted. A sigh escaped her lips, head falling forward, chin resting against her collar.

Amelia reaaaaally felt like talking to someone about her recent experiences. While she usually told her friends everything, she doubted Kiku and Gilbert could be of much help when it came to gynaecologists and the likes. Her dad was out of the picture as well; sometimes she even wondered how he'd ever managed to become a father, what with how squeamish he was with all things closely resembling lady business. Maddie…

She should really go to Maddie. Maddie had already visited the gynaecologist at a younger age to deal with her heavy periods. The only problem was, Maddie knew her sister chickened out last time. And if anything, Amelia did NOT want her twin sister to know the reason for this particular visit. Not that anyone else was allowed to know, but so far her idiotic antics hadn't made her lose her sister's respect just yet, and Amelia was planning on keeping it that way.

Blowing on her nails and frantically waving her hands about, the girl pulled herself free from her leather chair. AC/DC could wait. It was already nearing midnight, but if she waited until morning to address this issue, Amelia knew she'd no longer have the guts to speak up. Tiptoeing through the hallway, she was relieved to see light still streaming through the gap underneath Maddie's door. She knocked, and entered after hearing the soft "come in".

Entering Madeline's room was like stepping through a portal to another world. Whereas Amelia's room was filled with everything red-white-and-blue, big flashy movie posters, all kinds of bric-a-bracs and action figures, Maddie's room was much more, for a lack of a better word, feminine. Soft autumnal colouring, too many embroidered pillows and animal plushies on her bed (Amelia only had one left, a teddy bear she'd gotten from her mother at age seven), it always smelled nicely of flowers and sweet things here. The only thing betraying a more temperamental side was the shelf with hockey trophies and pictures of a small girl, gap-toothed, being lifted up in the air by her teammates. Maddie may be meek as a lamb, but put her out on the hockey field and she became a vicious beast in the blink of an eye. Not that she played much lately, seeing as her university didn't have their own team, and she wasn't home often enough to practise with the team here. A shame, really.

Madeline turned down her music (Billy Talent), and twirled her chair around. "Hey Ames. Anything you needed?"

Amelia plopped down on top of Madeline's bed, picking up one of the stuffed animals and cradling it to her chest. "Just wanted some advice. On uh…on that whole gynaecologist thing."

Madeline nodded slowly, turning the music down even further. "Sure. You can ask me anything."

Amelia chewed on her lower lip. "So uh…I know we didn't talk about it a lot back then, but how did it go for you? No problems or anything?"

Madeline folded her hands in her lap, pulling a pensive face that created a cute little dimple next to her nose. "Not that I can remember…the nurse just had me lie down, checked whatever needed to be checked, and then gave me a prescription for the Pill." She smiled shyly. "I was incredibly nervous, of course."

"Well duh," Amelia giggled, the sound a little strained. "I'd call bullshit if you said you weren't."

Madeline stuck out her tongue. "No, definitely nervous. But it went super smoothly, and the nurse was really kind, so that helped a lot. If I'd have to go again now, I'd probably still be nervous, but I'd know everything would be all right."

Amelia began tying a simple knot with the ears of the bunny she was holding. ("Amy—" "Oh right, sorry. I'll undo it.") Her heart was doing that funky little tango again. "So, you didn't feel weird or anything? While the nurse was examining you, I mean."

Madeline slowly shook her head. "No…I mean, not weirder than I was supposed to feel, I think."

Amelia bit her lip. So Madeline hadn't felt…that. That was just her.

Madeline closely studied her sister, head dipping to one side, making some of her loose hair fall into her face. "Ames, why are you asking this? Are you thinking about giving it another try?" She straightened up. "If you'd like me to go with you, I'd be happy to—"

"No," Amelia interrupted her, taking a shaky breath to steady herself. "No. I uh, I already kinda went. This afternoon."

Madeline's eyes widened, then dropped, a warm smile blossoming on her gentle features. She stood up and walked over, crouching down to pull the other into a tight hug. "Oh Amy, I'm so proud of you! You conquered your worst fears! This asks for a celebration—want me to make us some Maple Vodka?"

Amelia gave another tight giggle. "Mads, you know I don't like Maple as much as you do."

Madeline shrugged. "I can make yours a Vodka-Cola. But this has to be celebrated! My sister is the bravest girl on the block."

It was a good thing the girl couldn't see her sister's face, tight-lipped, nostrils flaring. If only she knew…

~o~

Amelia opened the door to reveal a set of ruby reds, almost white hair, and the palest skin she'd ever seen on a living person as of yet.

"Gilbert!" she tittered, only allowing herself a flash of that lopsided grin before slinging her arms around his neck. Even though Gilbert worked out, the strength of her tackle-hug sent them both toppling over in no time. Each body omitted laughter as they lay on the ground in a perfectly dishevelled mess.

"It's so good to see you!" Gilbert ground out, returning the hug as fiercely as he could.

Amelia pushed herself up onto her elbows, not bothering to stand just yet. "Now let me get a good look at you," she laughed, closely studying her friend. Still the same blue veins running beneath the heavy watch on his left wrist, still the same tattoo of a black eagle covering his entire right arm, the same mischievous glint in that bold piercing glare, the same earrings, the same grin.

"No tan?"

"Amelia, you know I never tan," he playfully chastised her. "Now could you get up? I'm not saying you're heavy, but I want to drop off my bag inside."

Amelia snorted, and finally relented. She got up first, swiping the dust off her skirt, before extending a hand to Gilbert and helping him up as well. He slung his tattered duffle bag over one shoulder, and followed her inside, taking off his shoes, gazing around him with a look that said he was glad to be home.

"Dad and Maddie are in the garden. Wanna go say hi first, or go upstairs?"

"Say hello of course!" he barked. "I have to let your family know that they're graced with my presence!"

"Pretty sure they already know. They heard the doorbell too."

They walked down the hallway, through the living room and kitchen, ending up in a middle-sized garden with a small patio (furnished with table and chairs, and occasionally they dragged out the barbeque), a vegetable garden way in the back, and a paperbark maple to cast some shade. Arthur was currently bent over the tomatoes (even though his doctor always told him to watch his back, he wasn't getting any younger), Maddie stretched out on a towel beneath the tree with a book. Good thing she was wearing a breezy summer dress instead of her bikini, or Gilbert would have been treated to the sight of a highly embarrassed sister.

Amelia put both hands around her mouth. "You guys, Gil's here!"

Madeline was up in mere seconds, book clasped shut, eyes wide behind her glasses. "Oh, hello Gil! Had a nice holiday?" Behind her, Arthur was getting up too, albeit much more slowly, carefully putting down his trowel and gardening gloves on the grass beside him.

Gilbert took the time to beam at her, before answering the girl's question. "It was amazing! We went to Frankfurt, a little town near Hamburg—Rosengarten, ever heard of it?—and we spent the last few days in Berlin."

"Sounds really nice," Maddie agreed, Arthur finally joining the conversation.

"Gilbert," he greeted with a nod—Gilbert had long since become a familiar face to him. "I trust your family is well?"

"Oh yeah, couldn't be better! We visited my mother's brother, who organised this huge family dinner, and then we went to my grandparents on my father's side, and in Berlin we stayed with my grandmother on my mother's side. They were all really happy we could come." Gilbert and Ludwig didn't see their family that often, but whenever they did, it was always a big happening.

"Anyway," Amelia interrupted, wanting some time alone with her friend before he became too distracted by her family. "Gil and I are gonna catch up for a bit. We'll be down for lunch!" She grabbed his hand and began pulling him back inside, the albino giving a sheepish wave to her father and sister before disappearing from their sight.

"You have to tell me all about where you've been," Amelia demanded, not stopping the process of dragging the other along until they had safely reached her room.

Gilbert sat down on her bed, bouncing a bit, before pulling out a small album with a dramatic gesture. "I present to you: pictures!"

Amelia grinned. While you could just as easily upload all your photographs onto your laptop nowadays, Gilbert liked taking old-fashioned Kodaks along on long trips, filling them up and then getting the photos printed on paper. Both his room at home and his dorm were covered in pictures and posters, and he always made sure to gather memorials of any kind wherever he went, "lest they forget the good memories".

Amelia sat down next to him, leaning against a shoulder as Gilbert set to explaining each picture; who was on it, where it was taken, on which day and at what time, and any small piece of trivia he could remember of the holiday that went along with it. Amelia listened intently, pointing out fun little details that caught her eye. This was nice, just two friends catching up, not a worry in the world. Until Gilbert ran out of pictures, at least.

"Well then," he said, clasping his hands together after putting the album away again. "What have you been up to while I was gone? Discovered any cool new music? Sat around moping because your awesome friend wasn't around?"

Amelia let out a nervous giggle, stomach twisting. Oh, you know. Lost my innocence, been unable to think of anything else ever since. The usual. "Not much," she instead said, shrugging half-heartedly. "You were gone, Maddie's working all week long, Kiku was too busy last week to hang out. It's been pretty boring here." She bumped shoulders with him. "I'm glad you're back, dude."

He slung an arm around her shoulders and gave a squeeze. "Glad to be back, dudette."

She laughed, pushing his face to the side. "Anyway, pretty sure Kiku said he'd have time to do something today. Just the three of us, you can pick where we go."

His eyes shimmered as he tapped his cheek, contemplating where to go. "What if we meet up at the mall, and see where we'll go from there? I'm up for pretty much anything."

The mall…for some reason that made a little warning bell go off in the back of her mind. Which was ridiculous, because it was just the mall. Amelia shook her head, trying to rid herself of the strange excitement suddenly taking hold of her. "Yeah, 's good. I'll send him a message. Let's go grab a sandwich downstairs before we leave, though."

Gilbert nodded, then puckered his lips. "You sure your sister wouldn't want to come with?" he asked, clearly hoping it came off as nonchalant.

Amelia raised an eyebrow at him. "…I'll ask. Though I'm surprised you prefer her company over mine and Kiku's."

Gilbert's eyes immediately widened, the softest of pinks visible on his pale cheeks. "Hey, you know I didn't mean it like that! It's just that, she didn't seem like she had a lot to do, so maybe she'd like to hang out with us? Unless she would rather read her book, then by all means, let her read it, I don't want to interfere—"

Amelia laughed, typing the message to invite their other friend along. "Gil, I'm just messing with you! Of course Maddie can come, she'll probably appreciate that we thought of her." Especially since her own friends were gone for the time being.

After a quick lunch and confirmations from both Kiku and Maddie that yes, they would like to go to the mall very much, the three of them stepped on the bus to meet the other at the designated place. Gilbert and Madeline talked amicably on the bus—well, first Gilbert talked and Maddie listened, but after some prompting he got her to actively join the conversation. Amelia kept switching her attention from watching the two with a secretive smile to staring out the window, trying to pinpoint that squirming in her gut.

Sure, the mall was the place where she had first met Anya Braginskaya outside her office, and that meeting was the one that had caused her to act so rashly. It was the source of all her troubles, so to speak. But that didn't mean Anya would be there again to torment her. There was nothing to be nervous about. Nothing at all. She just had to forget all about the woman, now that the exam was over and she'd never have to visit her again.

When they exited the bus, Kiku could already be spotted walking towards them. Amelia waved at him, shouting from the top of her lungs, despite him already being well on his way. "HEY KEEKS, OVER HERE!"

Gilbert snorted and Madeline rolled her eyes, Kiku hurrying up to get to them before Amelia could draw the attention of every passer-by to their small assembly. "Hello," he said, sounding slightly out of breath, smiling nonetheless. "It is good seeing you again." He paused to fist-bump Gilbert and Amelia, and wave a hand at Madeline; Kiku had never been good with hugging or other more affectionate greetings, and while Amelia and Gilbert liked teasing him, they also respected his boundaries.

"How was your trip to Germany?" Kiku asked conversationally as they began walking towards the entrance of the mall. He said a sincere thanks as Amelia handed him the game she'd bought him last week.

"Oh, it was amazing! First, we went to…"

Amelia only listened with half an ear, already having heard the stories. The weirdness in her gut became even weirder once they walked through the sliding doors, a waft of air-conditioned air hitting them, quite chilly after the stifling heat outside. Without being able to stop it from happening, Amelia found herself unconsciously double-checking their surroundings, frantically looking for a set of purple-hued eyes, the shine of silvery locks, the sound of mirthful giggles. It was as if she expected Anya to be waiting for her, to remind her of exactly what had happened during their previous visit. As if she knew.

"Amelia? Everything all right?"

Kiku waved a hand in front of her face, snapping Amelia back to their conversation. She found all three of them staring at her, obviously wondering if maybe she'd gotten a heat strokel.

She forced her laughter to sound natural. "Oh, sorry. Was just zoning out a bit. Didn't get that much sleep last night, you know, because I was excited about today."

They shared a Look, but didn't press her any further. While Gilbert and Kiku continued their conversation, Maddie fell behind for a moment, leaning in to murmur in Amelia's ear. "You sure everything's all right? We can go somewhere else if you'd like." Her expression told Amelia that she hadn't forgotten how during their last visit, Amelia had suddenly gotten too distracted to enjoy an afternoon at the mall. Perhaps Amelia should have told her there and then how Anya Braginskaya had edged her on. That would have been ten times smarter than trying to prove the woman wrong.

Instead, Amelia shook her head, putting on a smile she hoped would reassure her sister. "No, sorry. Just a bit distracted. We came her to have a good time, and a good time we shall have!"

Madeline opened her mouth as if to say something, but closed it immediately afterwards. She nodded, slowly. "If you're sure…you know you can tell me if anything's wrong, right?"

Amelia immediately felt guilty. This was her twin sister! She shouldn't be lying to her. Or, well, keeping things from her, which was pretty much lying under a different name. Still, she didn't want Madeline to worry over things that really shouldn't be bothering Amelia in the first place. So what if the mere possibility of encountering the gynaecologist made her nervous as all hell? So what if her last visit to the doctor had gone a little smoother than she was comfortable with? It was summer, a time of no worries, of sun and fun and friendship and all that gooey stuff.

So instead of fessing up, she simply stuck out her tongue and made a funny face, causing the other to giggle helplessly. "I know, sis. And if anything is bothering me, I promise I'll tell you."

Their visit went by without any hiccups. No run-ins with certain women, there was a sale at one of Gilbert's favourite stores, they all had ice cream together and Amelia saved Kiku from falling into the fountain. It was simply a picture-perfect afternoon among friends. Amelia should have only felt relief.

She did not understand the undercurrent of minor disappointment sloshing around in the back of her mind.

~o~

Amelia was brushing her teeth, getting ready to go to bed. A mattress and sleeping bag had been prepared on the floor in her bedroom for Gilbert to sleep on. While Arthur might have protested to a boy and a girl sleeping in the same room when they were a bit younger, he had given up on trying to separate them quite some time ago. After all, Gilbert had proven himself to be a decent young man who never laid a finger on his beloved daughter. He had earned himself a seal of approval.

Amelia slowed her brushing to lean closer to the mirror, trying to figure out whether the red spot beneath her eye was a rash or a smear of crème or something else along those lines. Rubbing a finger over the spot, she took a moment to study herself. Still the same freckles she'd always had. Still the smallest of scars interrupting her eyebrow, right there in the corner. Still the same lips, the same dimples in her cheeks when she spread them into a wide grin. Becoming an adult certainly hadn't changed her appearance.

She once more remembered the touch of that hand. The nerves fluttering in her stomach at the mere possibility of running into that woman. It was ridiculous.

Amelia gurgled with water, then spat. "Stop thinking about it, Amelia," she grumbled to herself. "You're not gonna let your summer be ruined by a woman you might never see again. And you definitely did not get excited over her touching you."

The sound of bare feet slipping down the hallway. Amelia's head shot up, eyes widening when she could see Gilbert's figure in the crack of the door.

"Oh you did NOT just hear that!" the girl squeaked, distress raising her voice several pitching before letting it end into incomprehensible peeping.

"No I definitely didn't hear you talking to yourself just now and I am going away right now," Gilbert stammered out, escaping immediately after. He must have felt equally as embarrassed by this incident as Amelia herself.

Amelia groaned, putting her head in her hands. Okay then. Well. Great. How was she going to explain this? Because she had to come up with some kind of explanation. If she was planning on keeping Gilbert as her best friend, which she was, she couldn't let slip-ups like these be left unaddressed. Amelia quickly cleaned her toothbrush and stomped over to her bedroom, already regretting her decisions. Maybe it wasn't too late to move to Tibet and become a monk. Slamming the door open, Gilbert could be found visibly jumping at her entrance. They stared each other down for a moment, Gilbert's cheeks flaring, Amelia's hands trembling.

Finally, Gilbert let out a deep sigh, as if resigning himself to this fate. He spread his arms and flopped back onto the mattress. "If you've come to kill me, better make it quick. I'm ready to die."

Amelia could feel her mouth twitch up. Idiot. Closing the door behind her, she took a step forward, before sitting cross-legged at the other's feet. "Okay, I'm just gonna tell you what that was about, because I don't want you to get the wrong idea, and I don't want things to get awkward between us."

"And you call what just happened NOT awkward?" Gilbert mumbled. Still, after rubbing his temples, he sat up as well, ready for the confrontation.

Amelia plucked at a loose string on her pyjama bottoms. "So, I didn't really wanna talk about this, because it's all girl stuff, and I know you don't care much about that."

Gilbert cocked his head to the side. "Sure, but that doesn't mean you can't tell me if it's important."

Amelia sent him a cool glare. "I had to go to the gynaecologist to get my female parts checked—"

"OKAY TMI AMY."

Despite her embarrassment, Amelia grinned. Okay, that cat was out of the bag. Commence phase two.

"Yeah, I thought so. But anyway, my gynaecologist is kind of a bitch." Not entirely true. "So I didn't really like the idea of her examining me." That was an understatement. "And that's all you need to know."

Gilbert was chewing his lower lip. She could tell he would have liked to switch topics, but there was still something bothering him. "So then…what you just said—I mean, the thing I didn't hear and will never tell anyone because I haven't heard it…was about your gynaecologist?"

Amelia pulled her legs up to her chest. "No! I mean—yeah? I mean…I don't know." She groaned, burying her face against her knees. "I don't knoooooow. It's probably nothing. I'm just confused because this was a stressful experience. Anyway, it's nothing to worry about, which is part of why I didn't want you knowing."

Gilbert folded his hands. "You didn't want me knowing about the exam, or about you possibly…" Amelia slightly lifted her face, leering at him. Don't you dare say it, was the message in her narrowed eyes. Gilbert gulped. "…You possibly being fat?"

Amelia gasped. "How dare you!" She lunged at him, laughing as he let himself be pinned down. A small struggle ensued, the tension evaporating from the air like snow melting on the first warm day of the year. She should have told him from the start. Guy or girl, Gilbert always knew exactly what to say to lift her spirits.

After the small fight, the two collapsed onto the floor, side by side, bodies still quaking with laughter. They didn't say anything for a moment, but Amelia could feel Gilbert's hand capturing her own, and giving a small squeeze.

I'm here to listen if you want to talk about it.

Her heart contracted painfully. She wasn't even ready to talk to herself about this. Because it was weird, right? Not being able to get your gynaecologist out of your head for even a second. Still, she squeezed back.

I know.

It wasn't even that big a deal. She might even have forgotten about this by the end of the month, whatever this was. Probably. Hopefully.

~o~

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Hello there dear reader, let me get straight to the point: I have no idea when I will be able to upload the next chapter. I haven't had time to write for this story in a long while (this chapter was already done, I just needed to spellcheck it, and even that I couldn't find the time or inspiration for). I have classes, work, and other stuff that I need to prioritise. I'm not exactly quitting this story; I do know where I want it to go for example, I just don't know when I'll be able to continue it. I at least wanted to give you guys this chapter, but it'll probably be the last for I don't know how much time to come, so please don't wait up for the next chapter.

To end on a brighter note, I am working on something with a friend which we'll post on a separate blog (my tumblr followers will already know of this), so you have that to look forward to if you enjoy my writing. And if you don't care one single bit about that, that's fine too. :)

Have a lovely day, and I hope you at least enjoyed reading the chapters that I HAVE been able to post.