I just want to thank everyone for the reviews, my inspiration for this chapter was not only the help from lovelikeher and her continued support of my story, but the songs Clarity - Zedd, and Skinny by Edith Backlund. These two songs are so helpful and totally helped me get through my writers block. Clarity by Zedd reminded me of my dear Jabi and how Abi wants to break away from her feelings for him, but is struggling. And Skinny by Edith Backlund is how Abi feels about herself. Please check out Baby Blues by lovelikeher, and keep reviewing this story! I need your reviews as they keep me writing and make me more confident about my writing. Thanks a lot. Essy. x
A few days had passed since Jay had found out about Abi's weight loss, and since then she had made sure she was out most of the time so she didn't have to bump into Jay. Not only did she feel awkward now because he kept on about her weight loss, but they had kissed, she was with Ben, and that's classed as she cheating because she enjoyed it, she kissed him back, and that was wrong. If she wanted to fool around then she shouldn't be in a relationship. She wasn't someone who would sleep around, she didn't want to be branded a slut. She hadn't slept with Ben in that sense, things hadn't gone that far between them, he had tried to take thing further, but she hadn't been comfortable. She had told him that she wasn't ready, and he had been in a huff with her, but she didn't care.
She hadn't seen Jay much at all, she had passed the arches on her way home from work yesterday and he called her, but she sped up, walking away, her head down. She had made sure when he finished work that she was out for a run and her gym session.
She had felt her mind going over everything as she sat at the table in the Mitchell house hold, eating her branflakes and drinking a bottle of water. It was her day off from the vets, she had asked could she work today just to be out of the house and away from everyone but they didn't need her today and her boss had insisted she take a day off because she was overworking herself. If only he knew.
Standing up, she carried her bowl and the water to the kitchen where she emptied the bowl of what was left which was the majority of her food, she had, had a few spoonfuls of the cereal but she wasn't hungry, the water had filled her up. Since she was dressed in her work out gear, she decided what was the point in letting it go to waste? She washed her dishes and strolled out the back door, to the street where she started to jog lightly past the vic, her speed picking up as she ran past the park and the arches, her eyes scanned the doors confused. It was closed, that means Ben and Jay must of finished work, which was strange as it was just 11 o clock in the morning. Her stomach began to growl as she ran, she didn't need food though. She couldn't want food. She was doing so well, she was losing weight, and she was doing great.
"Come on, Abi. Don't let it win. You have to keep fighting." She muttered to herself. She felt like her demons were winning like they were speaking to her. Maybe it was also the lack of food. Lately she was struggling a lot more, avoiding meal times, and keeping herself strong. Abi had made a promise to herself one day, that promise being "Soon I'll be thinner than all of you, even Lola. And then I'll be the winner." She swore this to herself because being thinner would be a winner.
"You aren't running fast enough."
"Look at the size of your legs, talk about tree trunks."
"Look at the hippopotamus, scratch that, the Abipotamus."
Her demons were what tortured her, but it was like she was losing her mind because all these people didn't exist to say this, it was her mind, her mind torturing herself, her inner insecurities working to make her lose it. To make her keep the weight off and keep up the starvation.
After a thirty minute run, she ran back toward the house, passing McKlunkys on her way back, her mind was spinning, and she could hear someone calling her, but she felt a little bit whoozy. Her hands gripped the bars by the park, and the Arches, as she took a gulp full of water. She felt lightheaded. But she was used to it, she had to be, to keep this up, she had to push through these things. She was strong. Look how strong she was being. But truthfully she wasn't strong because she was denying herself the main fuel for her life, food. But being thin and not eating were signs of true will power and success, weren't they? Her body was aching, and she couldn't even sit still for long without her legs going dead and achy. She fainted the day before yesterday two while at the bottom of the stairs, and thankfully nobody was home, because she had fallen and smacked her back on her the banister, resulting in a disgustingly purple smudge of a bruise.
Hearing the person call her name again, she turned to see Jay, her eyes rolled and she tried to move off to run away but she didn't have the energy, she sighed when he came closer.
"Abs, you're avoiding me, aren't you?" He questioned, his eyes on hers, he let his orbs search her face, trying to see some sort of expression in there.
"Look Jay-... I'm exhausted of this whole conversation. I've told you, I don't need help. I really don't need... I don't..." She zoned off, her head was spinning, her hands gripped the bar harder, she felt like she was going to collapse again and she was breathing so quickly through her nose and mouth. In and out. In and out.
But it wasn't working.
"Abs?" Jay called her, but his voice felt far away, it felt like she was underwater, like she was in a secluded bubble. There was nothing focused in her eyes. It was like everything around her was moving erratically. She tried to keep herself upright. Her hazel orbs tried scanning for Jay's face, but it wasn't working. Her eyes began to roll back into her head as her legs went from under her. She caught her head as she went down, but Jay caught her. She was out cold. Blackness was all she knew.
When she finally came around, she let her eyes focus, and her hand went to her head which was throbbing, and she groaned. She heard someone coming up the stairs, and she looked around at her surroundings. Abi was in Jay's room. He must have carried her all the way from the park to his house, what if someone had saw? What if her dad knew? Oh god.
She couldn't get the worries out of her head as she saw Jay enter the room with a glass of water for her, and she thanked her lucky stars that it wasn't a cuppa, because she didn't want the excess sugar, going straight to her stomach or her legs. She believed that you could never be too thin. It had started off as a harmless diet for her to lose a little bit of weight and now she was almost a bag of bones, but she just didn't know how to stop.
"Abs, you're seriously ill." Her head snapped up to look at Jay as he spoke, her hazel eyes scanning his, and as she did, tears began to well up in her eyes, and they began to slowly roll down her cheeks.
"I don't want to be fat anymore Jay, I just want to be good enough, for once in my life." Her voice was thick from the crying, but Abi didn't care because she was finally going to open up about her feelings, even if it was hard. "I just want to matter."
Jay shook his head and took her hand, his blue orbs looking to hers, and her sighed. "I know this is my fault, Abi. I caused all of this, with all the Lola drama, I made you hate yourself. I'm sorry."
"But you didn't. It's not just our relationship that caused all of this Jay, it's everything. Everything has bubbled to the top and everything has built up. Mum's cancer, losing Bradley, all the affairs dad had, losing you, and just genuinely my size. I just needed control. I just didn't want to be-... I just didn't want to be me anymore."
Abi wiped her tears from her eyes, quickly and looked down feeling ashamed of herself, even though she was talking about her feelings, part of her didn't want to start eating again, she also didn't know how to start eating again. Wasn't that strange? It was like she was a newborn baby again, and back taking little steps and getting older. How mad was that?
"No matter how thin you get, no matter how short you cut your hair or how much make you wear. It's always going to be you underneath, Abs. No amount of starvation can change that. You are who you are, and I think you're pretty fucking awesome." He commented, and Abi let herself smile for a moment, but more tears rolled down her cheeks.
Her problem was that he had already finished her once, for someone else, and if they did ever get back together, if she got better how could she guarantee that he wouldn't do it again, and again. She was afraid of rejection, of the hurt, that's why she starved herself along with the other multiple reasons. It gave her the control of her life that she needed.
Abi hated how being the way she was felt, but she didn't think she needed help, she believed she had it under control, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. The problem was that what she had was a illness of her mind, and she was constantly over analyzing everything, from the way someone looked at her, to the calories she ate which she constantly counted. She would over analyze the weight on the scales. She couldn't stop. It was like she also suffered from OCD.
Her mind would constantly go back to when her and Jay lost their virginity where he had told her how beautiful she was, and that he loved her for her, and then her mind would flash to how he loved Lola and him finishing her, and it was like these two memories would have a battle and the most recent heartbreaking one would win and she'd drop a few more calories from her next meal, just to punish herself for not being good enough, just to make sure she lost a little more inches from her waist. Skinny is perfection in her eyes.
"I know but I'm too afraid to stop, I want to be healthy but I feel like I want this more." She whispered. "I don't know how to stop."
"One day at a time, eh? I'll help you. Just please promise me you're gonna get better, Abs. I need you to get better because I don't think I could live around here if good ol' branningflakes isn't around." He commented, a smile on his face, and tears began to well up in his eyes. "I made a huge mistake, Abs. And I'm scared for you now, I'm scared you're gonna to do something stupid and make yourself ill, because I've seen how all this goes, I've seen those documentaries on the tv, and people die. You're too good to die. I love you, Abi. I made a stupid mistake and I'm sorry. I love you too much to see you hurt yourself like this." Jay paused for a moment and wiped the few tears from his cheeks, he was actually petrified of losing her, because he had already lost his dad and Abi meant the world to him, it had taken him being a pratt to see that. "Let me help you, what can I do to help you?"
"You can hold me." Abi breathed out, tears leaving her eyes at an alarming rate and that's what Jay done. He got on to the bed with her, and brought her close in his arms and for the first time in months, it felt like she was safe. She felt like she was home, and it was right and for once, Jay also felt like he had found his home. He was wrong on Phil's wedding day, it wasn't the end for him and Abi. It was just the beginning.
"I love you, Jay. I always have." Left Abi's lips.
"I know. We'll get through this, me and you. Us against the world, in't?" He said nudging her softly, and she smiled. "Yeah. Us against the world." She repeated.
But the thought of finally facing her problem terrified not only her but Jay too, where could they begin.
Jay was the person Abi could never block out, her was the one she would always love, he was the person who stuck in her mind indefinitely. As much as she had tried to tell herself she didn't want or need him, it was horrible and hard without him as her boyfriend or her friend. He was too valueable to her.
Cause you are the piece of me, I wish I didn't need. If our love, is tragedy why are you my remedy, if our love's insanity why are you my clarity?
Surely the only way for them would be up now.
If only it were that easy.
