A/N: I'm not even sorry.

"You're saying that Taiga had no idea what-"
"Not until he found one of Aomine-kun's magazines. Aomine-kun was horrified at Kagami-kun's lack of knowledge and lent him a huge box of magazines and videos. Kise-kun teased him about how pure he was for months. When Akashi-kun found out via the others, he had sat Kagami-kun down and explained patiently to him about how it all worked and how the magazines and DVDs were incorrect, consent, etc. He went into such extensive detail that we had to call Midorima-kun to intervene. He blocked our numbers so Takao-kun came instead and was not at all helpful. He managed to stun Aomine and Kise into running away. I believe he and Akashi are now penpals."
"Wow, what exactly did he add?"
"U-Um...Kuroko-kun, Alex... please, we are in a public place..." Himuro fidgeted nervously, but no one seemed to even turn their head their way. Still, he changed the subject just to be safe. "Taiga was always like that. Ever since starting basketball, he's had no room in his rain for anything else. Alex, do you want to show Kuroko-kun the video of Taiga sleep-walking?"
"Oh! Of course! You see, Kuroko, Taiga used to sleep beside his basketball, and one time while staying at my place we woke up to this thumping sound? Turns out that Taiga was dribbling the ball...in his SLEEP."


Kagami entered Maji burger, slightly miffed. Kuroko had disappeared on him immediately after practice. Then, his Japanese teacher had found him and began telling him how horribly he was doing in class (Midorima had taken the pencil back). Then Hyuuga needed Kagami to watch over some new member's practice while he went to see the councillor for a good hour or so. Finally, Kagami arrived and ordered thirty burgers, used to the stares he recieved. While looking for a spot, two people caught his eye.
"O-oi...ALEX?! TATSUYA?!"
Himuro smiled, "Oh hello, Taiga. We just got here. Thought that we'd visit while Alex was in town."
"Why-? When-?" Kagami was at a loss for words, and he almost sat down on Kuroko.
"Kagami-kun, please don't sit on me." Kuroko said, "I do not wish to be flattened."
Kagami jumped up, banging his knee against the table and then his head against the ceiling. "Fuck, Kuroko-"
"Now, Taiga," Kuroko sounded overly condiscending, even without changing his tone, "just because you know about how to do it now, does not mean that it is okay to force yourself upon others."
"That's right Taiga. Remember what Akashi-kun said-"
"Alex shut up!" Kagami roared, starig at the three of them in turn, thuroughly mortified. "Okay, first. Kuroko you're a bastard and I would flatten you if Riko wouldn't kill me for doing so. Second, how the hell do you know these two bastards? Third..."
Kagami swore with such creativity that Kuroko wondered how he was so bad in Japanese to be failing all the time. It was clear that he had an abundant vocabulary when it came to cussing.
"D-Dear customer, you are bothering our other patrons. Please-" a serving girl came over, looking as if she wanted to cry.
"Yes, we will be leaving shortly. I'm sorry for any disturbances my brother has caused." Himuro smiled and Kuroko could practically see cupid's arrow piercing the girl. She left, looking as if she wante to cry but for a completely different reason.
Once they were outside, Kagami wished that they had stayed in Maji burger. It seemed that the only thing keeping Himuro from teasing him like Alex and Kuroko were his manners. And those manners had NEVER applied to Kagami.
"But really, Taiga. If you had stayed in America for a few more years, I'm sure that you would've learned everything in Sex Ed class."
"TATSUYA."
"Taiga, remember to use a condom, okay? Kuroko, I'm sure that Akashi went over STDs? Do I need to cover anything?"
"ALEX."
"Yes, Akashi-kun was quite clear. He had borrowed specimen's from Midorima-kun's father. Without Midorima-kun's knowledge, of course."
"KUROKO."
"Yes, Kagami-kun, I am aware that you know my name." Then Kuroko added something in English that made Kagami feel like punching something. "You fucking bastard."
Kagami glared at his mentor and brother accusingly. "Okay, which one of you two gave Kuroko a sense of humor and a dirty mouth and how do I fix him."
"We told him that it meant stupid idiot." Alex said, doubling over with laughter.
Kuroko looked miffed. "Alex-san, Himuro-kun, I had thought we agreed to team up against Kagami-kun."
"I'm sorry, Kuroko but now you know how to insult people in English."
"HA?!"


Kagami was tired. Alex had finally gone to sleep, and Himuro was snoring softly on the couch. He needed a voice of reason, and clearly only one person in the Kiseki no Sedai was sane.
"Kagami. It is past one, what do you want?"
"Midorima, my mentor and brother broke Kuroko. He's telling jokes and swearing and-"
"Stop this nonsense, I need to sleep. You do too, it is clear that you're imagining things."
"Oi, Midorima-"
*beep*
After much internal debate, he decided to call Akashi. Just as he began dialling, the phone rang.
"Akashi? How'd you-"
"The Emperor Eye sees the future, Kagami-kun."
"Wait, I'm not sure that's how it works and anyways aren't you supposed to be back to the original Akashi now or-"
"If you want to fix Kuroko, buy him vanilla milkshakes for a month."
"WHAT?!"
"It works wonders. How else do you think he manages to stay so...vanilla all the time?"
"...Um...thanks..." Kagami wondered if Akashi had made a joke, or if Midorima was right. Maybe he did need to go to sleep.
"Not at all Kagami. Remember, if you need anything, do not hesitate to-"
*beep* Kagami decided to go to sleep and just buy Kuroko the goddamn vanilla milkshakes.


"Kuroko, how'd it go?"

"Very well, thank you, Akashi-kun."
"If you are ever short on money, I can always lend you some."
"No, that's alright. This way, I had become close friends with Alex-san and Himuro-kun. They tell interesing stories about Kagami-kun."
"I see. Well, goodnight, Kuroko."

A/N: In which:
Kuroko is a manipulative little shit who is out of money but wants to drink vanilla milkshakes.
Alex and Himuro exchange blackmail material on Kagami with Kuroko. The three are now bros.
Also Himuro is a smooth little shit.
Akashi is a very knowledgable little shit.
Aomine and Kise are probably scarred for life.
Takao finds Akashi hilarious, and Akashi finds Takao intriguing. They are now bros.
Kagami wonders if it is too late to find new friends.
Midorima gives zero fucks.
Murasakibara was probably asleep through it all (he pulled a Roronoa Zoro, for One Piece fans)

Yeah, no regrets.

Except maybe Himuro was a little OOC? I'm sorry, big music exam coming up and word vomitting KNB drabbles gives me life.