AN: this is a shortie. Hope u like!!
Chapter Four: Pathetic
EPOV
My life was miserable. Ever since Bella walked out the door with Alice yesterday afternoon, I had been a wreck. I wanted to give my life up to Alice, I felt so terrible for what I had said. She was the best sister anyone could ask for, and it took me about two seconds after she walked calmly out the door to realize what a vile rogue I had been.
And Bella. Ah, Bella. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her. To feel her again. I wanted that bliss back. I needed it. I had to prove to her that I wasn't like that. I wasn't an awful, vulgar, wretched excuse for a man. Last night, Saturday night, I went to her window around nine, like I usually do. I was nervous though, expecting her to order me out. What she did was worse.
The window was closed, the fading yellow curtains drawn. And taped to the outside of the window was an envelope. I grabbed it, my heart rupturing, leaving a wide fault. Quickly and quietly, I jumped to the ground and sprinted away with the letter.I could still see her window from where I stood in the shadows. I glanced down and read the first word before a movement caught my eye. Bella's curtain was flicked back; a beautiful, tear-stained face was staring at the mark the tape had made on the window. She averted her gaze to stare at the forest bordering her house, and I swear she looked directly at me. I gulped and waited for her to do something. She slowly raised her hand and brought it towards the window, as though to press her palm against it. But instead, when her hand was inches from the glass, from making the gesture that would let me know she still missed me, if only a little, she dropped it. The curtain swept closed.
My dead heart swept with it before breaking a little more. Bella made me believe I had a heart, and now she was breaking it.
I wish she had forgotten about me when she had the chance.
I calmed myself enough to turn back to the letter. Edward, it read. You know I love you. I'd say I didn't if there was any way my hand would let me form the words. But you would deserve it. If I'm what makes you happy, then I will gladly stay away from you for a while. Go stay in Alaska or something. I'm being harsh; don't think I'm not aware. But I can't forgive you so easily this time. Remember, after the event in Volterra, you offered to beg for me to take you back, and I said no? Quite the contrary this time.
See you in class tomorrow. Don't expect me to talk to you.
Isabella.
My body was convulsing with painful, wracking, useless sobs by the end. With one last, longing glance at Bella's window, I turned and ran home. I spent the night in Zuri's castle, missing Bella all the while.
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It was Monday morning. I stumbled out of the castle, my sanctuary until I was welcome at Bella's again. And until I felt comfortable being in a 100 feet radius around Alice again.
Esme had set a new, clean outfit outside the drawbridge, and she had stuck a beach umbrella over it to keep it dry.
"Thank you, Esme," I said, hoping she heard me.
I didn't really care what I looked like, because for the time being there was no one to impress. But I took the clothes anyway, rinsing myself off in the shower in the great stone bathroom that took up one of the circular turrets. I was only able to function believing that Bella would eventually be with me again. After changing, I ran to school, getting there a whole hour early. No one was there except for the janitors and, although they offered, I told them I preferred to sit outside in the rain. And I did. It was cleansing.
But I knew I couldn't wash all my troubles away with the rain.
Then I smelled her. It was still 45 minutes till 8 o'clock, when people started arriving. She must be slowed down by me in the morning.
That only added to my list!
Her smell was always so much stronger, not to mention sweeter, in the rain. I wanted to see her. To match her truly unassailable beauty with her heavenly aroma. I sat at the picnic table in the fog, drenched, gazing expectantly in front of me, where her scent was coming from.
Like an angel, she appeared out of the fog, the rain seeming to make a rainbow around her. She either didn't know I was there because of the fog, or she was blatantly ignoring me, for she sat opposite me, not once noting my presence.
She took her old, brown leather messenger bag off her shoulder and stuffed it under the solid table, where it was dry. I watched her, wanting more than ever to reach out and touch her hand, her cheek.
"Hello, Bella," I said, not really caring if she responded or not, just needing to say her name aloud. I loved the way it rolled off my tongue, sounding like a beautiful bell to my ears. It was, if you took the Italian—and English—contorted definition.
She looked up, her eyes wide with false surprise. I wanted to smile at this adorable display of her attempted acting, but it wouldn't feel right with her like this.
She disappeared under the table, coming up a minute later with a pen and notebook. I grabbed my umbrella and held it over the center of the table, to protect the paper. She hadn't yet made eye contact with me.
Staring determinedly at my hand hovering in the air, she flipped open her notebook and opened the pen with her teeth. She began scribbling something, chewing furiously on her pen's cap. A second later she slid the notebook to me. I picked it up and read:
I know you got my letter. So you should remember that I'm not talking to you. This is the only communication you should expect from me for at least five days.
Isabella.
I finished, blinked, and, too quick for her to stop me, reached forward and snatched her pen away. My fingers brushed her hand for a second, and I nearly died all over again when she flinched away, looking like I had slapped her.
Trying to appear stronger than I felt at the moment, I set the notebook in front of me and wrote:
Yes, I did receive your letter. I got a written note from you, then and now, and that's more than I could ask for. Thank you. I know you won't accept this, but I'm sorry.
I love you so much, and I can't stand this. But I shouldn't complain. I deserve this, I know. And seeing you is enough. You're so beautiful.
See you in class. –E
I slid the book back at her. She took it, closed it, and put it back in her bag. I just hoped she would read my note later. Even if it meant nothing. Right now.
I would win her back.
Bella then realized that I still had her pen in my hand. Noticing this myself, I smugly decided to keep my hold on it. If she grabbed it, maybe our hands would touch again.
She slipped her bag over her shoulder, glared at me, and spit her pen cap at the table. It bounced over to me and stilled. I looked at her, astonished, to find her sliding off the bench. She stood at the end, throwing one last spiteful glance at me before stomping away.
I couldn't believe I had held on to her pen, like a little kid unwilling to share, in the hopes that her fingers would touch mine for a split second. Saying I felt culpable was an understatement. I was just beginning to realize that pretty much everything I did, I did only if I got something in return. I was despicable; I deserved so much worse a punishment than I was recieving. Bella was being kind. I deserved the death sentence—again. The pain of the change, of never seeing Bella again. I just wanted my skin to disintegrate as the wind blew against it, like I was made out of grainy sandstone instead of smooth marble.
I was pathetic.
AN:
Aww, poor Edward.
Im watching mean girls on tv, so im gonna go.
Please review, tell me what u think!!
marlise
