September 9
I'M BACK, BITCHES! 12 hours symptom free and that's enough for Father to allow me to attend school again. Papa wanted to keep me home for another day, and usually I'd side with him, but my place on the football team is in jeopardy! No way am I risking that! Still, I got out of eating scones for breakfast, pleading stomachache. God, why is Papa such a lazy ass about getting out of bed?
Later-in chemistry class
So Ms. Boobs
you are such an asshole-Kiku
Whatever dude-anyway, she taught us about electron bonding today and I ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD IT. I have no idea how or why because it's not like I read the textbook but the only person in the class who got it faster than I did was Kiku because he's crazy smart and his parents are just plain crazy and make him learn everything ahead of time. Wow. If I were actually talking instead of writing right now I would have passed out from lack of breath. Seriously, like that Polish kid in Spanish class, it's like he is completely unfamiliar with any form of punctuation aside from question marks. How he doesn't die from asphyxiation-$75 word right there-Kiku on a daily basis is beyond me. Dude, that's at least worth $125. $100-Kiku
Later-at lunch
Reasons why I love today-two free periods and lunch. It's like the world wants me to be lazy. Lunch was some kind of unidentified meat in pasta sauce. Wasn't bad. Tasted slightly of hoof according to Kiku, which would have made even the strongest stomach churn, but protein is protein and beggars can't be choosers. I thought it tasted pretty bland actually.
Later-in math class
So Sir Nazi passed back our tests today-OH MY GOD. 93! That's even better than Mattie! I never get-huh. He wrote "see me" at the top of the paper. Wonder what all that's about
Later-after the meeting
Anyway, so I ditched Kiku and Mattie after class, told them I'd catch up later, and went to see Sir Nazi like he told me to. I nearly called him Sir Nazi to his face but cut myself off and just called him sir. (nice save, Al! go me!) So apparently he didn't think I cheated or anything (because apparently despite my "appalling manners, I have too ironclad a sense of ethics, along with a remarkably strong sense of honesty though a rather large deficit in personal responsibility," whatever that means. Seriously, dude could tighten things up. Thought all those Germans were supposed to be efficient. Anyway, so he told me that basically aside from Kiku I scored the highest in the class on a particularly challenging chapter of material, and he wanted me to take this engineering elective and do all those robotics competitions. So at first I was totally on board because I thought we'd get to build missiles and blow things up and stuff, but then it turns out it's really boring so I told him no. He gave me this really angry disappointed look, mumbling stuff about "wasted talents" and "lack of discipline, etc etc" (I've heard it all from teachers before.) At least he'll leave me alone now.
Later-after school
Football practice canceled today. Field flooded with sewage overrun from the septic tank. So we're not allowed to use the field for the next two weeks. Honestly? I'm going to kill myself. Probably a plot by that stupid Russian kid to kill us all. Commie bastard.
Later
Well. So apparently I was wrong and Mattie doesn't have a girlfriend. He has a boyfriend. I suppose I should have seen it coming-he's literally a mini Papa and Papa's the gayest man I know. And I know a lot of them. I mean, the dude speaks French, which is like the gayest language ever, and he cooks and draws in his spare time. Honestly, I shouldn't even have been surprised. Anyway, so I went looking for Mattie after school because I'd been waiting out in the parking lot for like an hour-IT WAS TEN MINUTES-whatever Mattie. God, why do people interrupt me even when I'm writing?
It's a taste of your own medecine-Kiku
So I ask Michelle if she's seen Mattie, and she told me he was heading off towards one of the old music rooms that no one uses any more. So I go down to the old music room and find Mattie making out with that albino German kid who's a year above us. Mattie turned about seven different shades of red, but all the German kid did was cackle like a crazy person. Seriously, that laugh is disturbing. He introduced himself as Gilbert, nephew of Sir Nazi the math teacher, and Mattie's boyfriend. I don't think I've ever heard the word "awesome" used so many times in one sentence, but he seems alright. I even offered him a lift home-no hard feelings, right? Poor Mattie just stared straight ahead the whole ride to Gilbert's house. Apparently he thought I'd be mad because he knows I don't like Sir Nazi. Bro, I'm not that bad-give me a little credit, k? I like Gilbert.
Even though he's Prussian?
Dude, I know he's not Russian. That's the creepy kid with the purple eyes. I know I'm not great with geography, but even I know he's German! I'm not stupid!
Not Russian, Prussian. Idiot. Prussia is an empire that was dissolved after WWII. However, a lot of people still identify as "Prussian" rather than "German" because of the Berlin wall and the separation of East and West Germany.
So he's East German? Prussia and Russia sound a lot alike.
Don't tell him that. He hates Russians as much as you do.
I think this could be the beginning of a handsome friendship.
It's beautiful friendship.
Yeah, but that sounded really gay, and he's your boyfriend.
Later-at dinner
Rule number one of being a good older brother: never pass up an opportunity to humiliate your younger sibling, especially when it comes to their love life.
Six minutes! Six minutes!
Six minutes still means time passed. Therefore, I'm the older one, and it was my obligation to embarrass you at dinner.
Anyway, so what Mattie got all pissed about was me mentioning that I'd caught him making out with Gilbert in the music room. So of course Papa was over the moon, even threatening to send them some "French letters," asking how long they'd been dating, when they were going on the next date, and if Mattie would let him make reservations for the two of them at some fancy French restaurant. Father, on the other hand, just about blew a gasket. Well, first he almost died, went white as a sheet and forgot to breathe, then he shot through the roof. Yelling about how Matthew was "too young and innocent" to be dating. Papa pointed out that I've dated plenty of girls before, and then Father said Matthew is different. Papa asked if it was because he was gay, and Father rolled his eyes and told him how ridiculous that was (really, Papa, that was just ludecrou-ludicr-silly). But Father just kept saying that Matthew is different, and Matthew is not allowed to date, and I even I could see the shit storm coming.
Rule number two of being a good older brother: no one is allowed to pick on your sibling except you. No one. Not even your parents.
So of course, I, like the hero I am, swooped in and saved the day. I told Father to leave Mattie alone and that he could date whoever he damn well pleases (Papa had literal stars in his eyes by this point) and then heroically stormed out of the kitchen with Mattie in tow. I didn't even get grounded because Papa was so moved, score!
Later-after homework
Still, I guess I wonder what it's like to have a real girlfriend. Boyfriend, whatever. Like I've dated girls before but I've never dated a girl before. See what I mean? Like there's a difference between taking a girl out to dinner and then having sex in the back of your car
You have SEX in the back of the CAR!? I SAT there today!-Mattie
Hey! I'm writing deep thoughts in here!
Yeah, right. You're an open book, Al, and the deepest thought you've ever had was about the limits of your stomach.
Yeah, yeah, very funny. Now kindly fuck off.
Huh. Wonder if I really am that easy to read. But I really do wonder if it's different to have someone really special. For that matter, I wonder if it's different with a guy. I should know, I'm surrounded by more gay couples than I think exist anywhere out of Paris and SoHo, but I can't help wondering. Does it feel different when you kiss?
