Rachel was relieved to get a text from Kurt telling her that he was on his way, and that Finn wasn't enlisting after all. She was still in tears most of the time, her black fugue easing only at night when she went to sleep almost robotically according to her schedule, only to start crying again as soon as she woke up.
She had been "given up" by the one she was sure was the only man she'd ever love, who she'd felt so connected to, and the sudden severing of the rapport she thought she'd had with him and abandonment of the future she thought she would have made her question everything. Everything she had thought they'd had together, had any of that been real? How could you just give up someone you thought you were tethered to, Finn? It's not like the tether could bring them back together, it hadn't saved Sue Sylvester's sister. If you love me and really wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, why couldn't you talk to me about what you wanted? Wasn't I open enough, I know I asked, I was there for you... If you didn't want a life with me, why did you work so hard to convince me to agree to marry you? Around and around and around, a great dark vortex in her mind and soul. The only one who I thought really understood me, and he's gone, and maybe he was never really there.
Sometimes, longing for him, hoping still that it had been real. Please, Finn. Please.
Sometimes, her memories taunted her: finding love and passion and joy in Finn's arms, prom, Nationals, graduation... You thought you were so happy but you weren't. It was nothing. Insubstantial. Meaningless. Go sing, songbird. It's all you are. And always the feeling that this was all there was and all there would be for her.
Additionally, the revelation of her fathers' betrayal, and their outright manipulation of her, left her with really nobody she could trust, nobody that she felt was really the same person she had thought they were, until Kurt arrived.
Kurt was barely in the door before Rachel flew into his arms, desperately needing his comfort, and they stood there for a while, Kurt rubbing her back. Hiram and LeRoy looked on for a few moments, then decided to leave them to it, quietly thanking Kurt as they went into the other room.
"Thank you for coming," Rachel whispered.
Kurt nodded, stepping back to smile at her. "Any time, diva." Then he swallowed, reached for his shoulder bag, and took out a folded piece of paper. "Finn asked me to give you this," he said quietly, passing it over to Rachel.
She took it cautiously and unfolded it, her insides twisting as she saw the familiar handwriting. She pursed her lips, marshalled her courage, and read.
Dear Rachel,
I love you.
I'm just an idiot because I really did think that what I was doing was for the best, for you. Pushing you away is the last thing I really wanted to do but I felt that I had to and I made myself do it because I didn't want to. I'd take it all back if I could, but I can't, and I can't make all the hurt I've caused you go away. The one thing I can be sure of, aside from that I love you, is that I'm obviously not ready for any sort of commitment, because I don't know what I'm doing. That includes the army, so you don't need to worry about that. I guess I have to figure myself out.
I am so very sorry for what I did to you and how I did it. I hope someday you can forgive me.
I know I will never stop loving you.
Finn
Tears trickled down Rachel's cheeks. "Did you read it?" she asked.
"Yes," Kurt answered. "I wouldn't bring it to you otherwise, his last unsupervised attempt is what brought us here."
Rachel nodded, her eyes still fixed on the note. "Do you think he means it?" she asked softly.
"Yes."
"Or he thinks he means it."
"What's the difference?"
She twisted her hand tightly in the hem of her shirt. "I thought I was falling for Jesse but I was wrong. Finn thought he loved Quinn but he later said he was wrong. He could be wrong now too."
"Rachel, Finn loves you."
"Maybe he doesn't really know me." More tears fell. "How could he know me, really know me, and think that I would ever want something like that?"
"He's scared. Scared that he could never measure up to you."
"I don't need him to measure up to me like that, it's not a competition. My talent's been groomed since I was a baby and we've always balanced each other." She choked back a sob. "If he loves me so much, why couldn't he love me enough to try? Or talk to me about things?" He said he was worried about my regretting my choice of fiance - how did he not realize that I never could, I'm imprinted, it's not a choice any more, and even now if that was really him he's wonderful and I could never regret him? I gave him what he asked for, did I not see the warning signs that he needed more?
"I don't know. He wants to try, now. He's just not sure at what."
"Without me?" He said he knew he'd be okay as long as he had me...
"He knows how much he hurt you, and he doesn't trust himself not to do it again. He knows he can't just step back into your life and pretend he didn't do it."
Rachel nodded silently and wiped her tears.
"He thought he was being very brave, you know," Kurt said. "Giving up what he loved most, for the sake of your future."
"I don't want to be given up. I want to be able to choose. And a decision like that should have been made together, at the very least he shouldn't have lied to me, made me think we were going to get married."
"I know. And he knows too. He just didn't fully think it through, you know how Finn's been, he doesn't feel worthy so he can't see how he could matter so much to someone else. Even you. Especially you, since he loves you so much, it's terrifying to need something that much, it makes you extra insecure." He looked intently at Rachel. "You understand that."
Rachel nodded slowly. "Very brave, you said." She could see Finn thinking that, including the "I will go into the army for her" part that she was so relieved he'd apparently given up. For a moment her Finn, the Finn she'd thought existed and was hers, came back into focus.
"That's our boy. Very strong, very brave, and very stupid."
Rachel gave a small reflexive smile, recognizing Anna Russell's description of the operatic Siegfried. It felt like the first time she'd smiled since just before she'd seen the train station.
Kurt smiled back. "And you don't even have to be all that stupid, you saw how Blaine and I got, as soon as we felt each other start to slip away we just got worse and worse until we were practically at each others' throats, and not in the good way."
"How are you and Blaine doing?"
"We're good. Not just because I'm still living in Lima for now, but we worked through some of our insecurities at least. We've recognized the problem. And we also can see how bad it can get, we don't want to go there."
"So glad my pain makes a useful object lesson."
"Always learn from the mistakes of others. And you've been in enough pain for half the Midwest, it'd be a shame if we couldn't learn from it." Kurt smiled encouragingly and took her hands in his. "So what do you want to do now?"
"Now?"
"Sure. You want to have choices, let's make some. New wardrobe? It may seem shallow but you really do need to be extra fabulous if you're taking on New York on your own. And I'm sure your dads would pay for it, it's the least they could do."
"I wish they had stayed with the 'least they could do' before." A few more tears flowed down Rachel's cheek. "I don't even have them any more," she said quietly. "Finn was stupid and insecure, and I can get that even though I hate what he did to me, but my dads have no excuse, they manipulated us right into this disaster." She sniffled. "I even think they wanted something like this, not this bad, but me going into NYADA and being scared of relationships, their little songbird in a gilded cage." She wiped her eyes ineffectively. "Between them and Finn, almost every happy memory I've ever had has been blackened."
Kurt hugged her tightly, and let her cry into his shoulder.
"Do you think he wants to come back?" Rachel whispered. "Instead of just moving on?"
"I..." Kurt demurred. "I think he wants to."
"I understand if you can't tell me things," Rachel sighed. "Now, or later... just please don't lie to me." She gave a small whimpering sob. "I really need someone who doesn't lie to me."
Kurt pulled back to look her in the eye, and nodded. Then he raised his eyebrow. "Not even a little white lie about your wardrobe?"
The corners of Rachel's mouth turned up a little, just for a split second. "Not even. I would never want you to compromise your fashion integrity."
"Be careful what you ask for." He smiled. "So you need to wash your face, sweetie, and use the good moisturizer, all that salt is not good for your skin. I'll look into the funding for our little expedition."
Rachel nodded and went to the bathroom to wash, treat, and make up her face, doing her best not to think about how she looked. Trying not to judge herself any further. Kurt was waiting for her when she emerged.
"Great. Now let's get you all New York fabulous, courtesy the bastard child of Rose Hovick and Niccolo Machiavelli." Kurt held up LeRoy's credit card, which he'd talked out of its owner without difficulty. He linked arms with Rachel and led her out, singing lightly. "Come on babe why don't we paint the town..."
They headed to the stores on Fifth Avenue for an afternoon of shopping. Kurt managed to hold himself and his opinions back much more than usual, giving approval and disapproval when asked for, and he filled in with suggestions that would stretch her style.
And it wasn't about the clothes; in his own way, Kurt was taking care of Rachel, showing her attention and love in a manner that she found familiar and could still trust. It also helped that Kurt was really the only person she'd ever shopped much with, nothing about clothes-shopping reminded her of Finn (barring a few of the items, quickly avoided by Kurt), so the activity opened up a different part of her mind and memories from the ones that were currently so tortured. And in listening to Kurt about some of the clothes and a variety of things she could wear them for, she started feeling that she did still have choices, and that she could at least somewhat enjoy the one big thing that now seemed to be all she had open to her, her studies at NYADA.
"Or you could say 'screw it' to the whole college thing and just start auditioning," Kurt commented at one point.
"Kurt!"
"Well you could. Colleges aren't jails, and they treat the students as independent adults, within their rules. Carmen Thibideaux does not answer to your dads."
"I don't think Carmen Thibideaux answers to anyone."
"Probably not. But all I'm saying is that if you want to walk away, or you still want to defer, you can. Go see the world for a year. Audition, here, anywhere. Hang out in Lima, even. Become a waitress in a diner in a small town in Wyoming or a torch singer and elegant young woman of mystery in New Orleans. Anything you want, as long as you can do it yourself."
Rachel frowned. It was tempting, it would certainly show the people who had so heavy-handedly made her life choices for her. But no, she shouldn't hurt herself out of spite, and that's what that would be. NYADA was the best musical theater program, she'd been accepted, and the only thing worth deferring it for had been ripped away from her. Even though that was why it had been ripped away, she couldn't deny that NYADA was still by far the best choice that remained to her. She shook her head.
Kurt nudged her. "Oooh, I know. You could coach Vocal Adrenaline, I hear they need someone new again."
Rachel giggled, and Kurt smiled at the sound. "Well if I didn't care about keeping the job after a year, imagine what I could do with all those resources."
"Huge set pieces. Special effects. Amazing mashups of Broadway songs."
"Yes."
"Trying to stay the coach of Vocal Adrenaline is clearly an exercise in frustration anyway. I'm almost sorry for Jesse St. James for trying." Kurt laughed. "Almost."
"Yes, well, apparently he's human after all."
"No lizard heart? Guess I lost that bet."
Rachel smiled. "No, he actually put in a good word for me with Ms. Thibideaux, at Nationals. Without anything to gain for himself. He's not totally cold-blooded."
"Just mostly." But Kurt shrugged. "I owe Blaine, then. Not that I mind owing Blaine."
"Of course not."
Kurt looked again at the displayed clothes, and shook his head in lighthearted despair. "Now why didn't they get this one in the red, it's part of the original collection. It would go so well with that skirt and look amazing on you."
Rachel smiled at him. "You're very good at this." He met her eyes, acknowledging the implication that she meant far more than just fashion. "Thank you."
A few days later, with Rachel's dads having obtained special permission from the school, Kurt helped Rachel move into the NYADA dorms, then headed home.
Thank you for reading. Please review!
