A/N: Hello all, here is another personal private chapter in the Self Portrait Series. This one is based off the fly chance that Natsuki really had a massive consider for her friend only. That everything after the last episode was a lie. Liek her confessing her feeling to Shizuru after graduation. It hit me earlier today.
As for IM chapter 4 I will get to it!
Self Portrait by Kara Papas
An Agony letters from Shizuru Fujino
I keep on thinking everyday silently in my heart it is a lie. You must have known I'd react this way. You wanted me to hurt so badly. You wanted that pain to flow so freely. You'd think that I'd get over it so easily. How cruel can Natsuki really be I wonder? How could you ever lie about something so deep? So wonderful and magical?
I screamed "liar" as you left me alone. You never once turned around as I could only see your dark tresses fly behind you. I wanted to run after you and hold onto you. I wanted it so much. I wanted it so much that I bit through the flesh of my bottom lip. I did care I was bleeding. You just stopped in that distance saying something that raised my spirits at first.
"I did lie to you Shizuru." You said in the dark husky tone, but there was something in your voice I could hear. You didn't turn around to say the last thing, the last thing that would make me wonder forever. Forever isn't just a word you once said to me. And now this was happening. The moment that seemed like forever. The moment that you walked away from me weeding my heart and soul out as you made the distance greater. The blood began to seep from my mouth as your mouth parted that last time.
"I never loved you. I never did. I just couldn't handle you going crazy again. I have never loved you. Goodbye." Then I never saw your face again. I never saw you again. Not from that moment on. I died. It was so painful I could not breathe.
So I am now lost and each mask is more unrealistic than the last. I was to turn to another love. One I had not ventured upon thinking about for a long time for I had done what just did to her. She had always loved me so deeply even though she made a fool of me by all her harem of lovers. I too thought it would be wise to lose myself to such a life. I cannot quite understand those words. "That life" what does that mean exactly?
It's been months since that day and I can't recall feeling so dark and desperate. I had the week after taken someone to bed. I had taken them and release all my anguish into every last kiss and buckling movement of my hips. I did not know how to feel and I did realize my body reacted so without you. That it could feel without feeling. My someone had gone and promise to see me again which they did. However I never told them of how I felt after we lay together on that bed. I had taken a shower soon after they left. No matter how many times I scrubbed my skin I could not remove them from me.
It was a sweet agony I wished for. I sought it out with every fiber of my being for so long. Now I am not so in the need for this agony. Although I wish, my sweet and most dear Natsuki, to see you just once, but perhaps it was not a lie. You do love me, my Natsuki, but you could no long bare something about me. My nature was unbecoming. I secretly know if I were to see you, smell you, and touch you, I'd die soon after.
I do wish the world did not turn so violently as it does now.
