"There it was, the choice I'd confronted so often in life:
the path of least resistance, or the walk over hot coals."
― Greg Iles

Chapter Four

The guilt and shame was overwhelming, and Castiel couldn't wait another second to confess. It was all he could think about, and until he did so, he knew he would be unable to focus on anything else.

He always had a sick feeling of dread when he had things of this nature to confess. Of course, everything that had happened to him when his father had found out about his attractions had left their mark on him, but it wasn't only that. His old priest growing up, as well as many of the others that he regularly confessed to in his high school and college years, had been rather harsh with Castiel. It was obvious many of them had felt that his same-sex inclinations made him unfit for the priesthood, despite the fact that he never acted on his feelings.

Father Robert was different from the others. He seemed to have a more modern-secular view of homosexuality. He was the first priest to whom Castiel made confession who didn't treat his attractions as a bad thing. Of course, as a priest, Castiel had taken vows of chastity, and Father Robert never encouraged the young priest to break his vows by acting on his attractions, but he always stressed that the attractions themselves were natural, and no different than any attraction any other person, even priests, felt.

Of course, this approach always caught Castiel off guard. Even now, nearing five years of serving directly under the older priest, Castiel was always surprised when the older man responded with understanding and compassion rather than harsh criticism when Castiel confessed to homosexual thoughts.

And he always confessed. Despite the negative reactions of which he had been on the receiving end all his life, from every other priest to whom he had ever confessed, Castiel always confessed. Every dream, every thought, every time he caught himself gazing just a little too intensely at an attractive man, Castiel confessed it all.

And he certainly had something to confess now.

Castiel quickly made his way to the upstairs study, in which he knew he would find Father Robert.


"Father Robert, may I make confession?" The young man, usually so polite, burst into the room with a look on his face nearing panic. Bobby had left the young priest with the FBI agents only about an hour ago, and this sudden urgency in his curate caused a jolt of fear to shoot through the older priest. Fearing that this had something to do with demons, he ignored the unusual behavior from the younger man and invited him in to sit and confess what he needed.

He did sit, immediately crossing himself before he began to speak.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been five days since my last confession."

"Okay, Castiel, let's hear it."

"One of those FBI agents-" Castiel swallowed thickly, and the knot in the older priest's stomach tightened, preparing for what was to come.

"I had a reaction to him," Castiel continued.

Bobby held his breath, waiting for the shoe to drop. What horror was soon to come upon their parish? Should he prepare for the apocalypse?

Why had Castiel stopped talking?

Finally, the suspense overwhelmed him, and the older priest spoke, "And what was your sin, Castiel?"

Finally, the younger priest spoke. "Um, I uh- I noticed that he's a very…very good looking man, and he made me laugh. I- I thought about what he must look like, feel like, under his clothes."

Castiel finally looked up from his own shoes, on which he had been intensely focusing since he had sat down.

Bobby blinked at him for a moment. When it finally occurred to him, he nearly melted back into his own chair, his tense knot of fear dissolving. This wasn't about demons. There was no plague about to be released on mankind. This was about sex. That was easy to deal with.

Then again, the look of anguish in Castiel's eyes would have been heart wrenching, if Bobby hadn't been giddy with relief. He felt himself having to hold back a cathartic chuckle as the last of his tension was released. This may not be the end of the world, but his curate was going through a spiritual crisis. Something must have occurred with the FBI agent.

"What happened?"

"Well, they knew something about the vandalism; at least that it was demonic. I checked, and they weren't possessed, themselves, but they weren't being forthright either. I gave them very little to go on, but I did give them a copy of the sigil that was spray painted on the altar, then I showed them out."

"And…?"

Castiel cocked his head to the side in confusion. "What?"

"What was your sin?"

"Well, like I said, I had thoughts. I didn't try to stop them. I reveled in them."

He hadn't done anything. Bobby silently shook his head.

Even before he had met Castiel, Bobby had considered same-sex attraction to be a natural variant of human sexuality, and not inherently sinful. Other than his private disagreement with the Catholic Church's official stance on the subject, though, he had never really thought too much about it.

Once he had met his newest curate, however, he had felt compelled to learn more about the topic. When the young priest had first told him about what had had been done to him in his teen years, the older priest had had trouble believing him. How could someone subject a child to so cruel a torture over so insignificant an issue? Sadly, upon further research on the matter, the priest had found out that Castiel's story was all too common. Many people had been subject to similar barbaric "treatments," Bobby was ashamed of the Catholic Church of the past for condoning such practices. Seeing the damage that had been done to the younger man, Bobby had privately vowed to himself that no longer would gay, lesbian, or bisexual people who came to him for guidance be made to feel that there was something wrong with them.

Time and again, he had tried to make Castiel understand that there was nothing bad or sinful about feeling sexual attraction, but he was only one sane voice in a sea of idjits who had been working on the younger priest since he was a boy. For such a smart guy, Castiel was frustratingly slow to learn this particular lesson.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack, boy? You come in here like the sky is falling right after you meet with the FBI about a demonic attack, making me think that Armageddon is upon us. I finally figure out that this is about the gay thing, and I'm sitting here thinking you pulled this guy into the kitchen pantry and gave him a blowjob, or something, and this is all just about some dirty thoughts? You did NOTHING WRONG!"

"Well, I- I did take the Lord's name in vain."

"Take the Lord's— for the love of— Say ten Hail Marys," the priest commanded, dismissively. "Through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Now get the hell out of here."

Castiel jumped out of his seat as if it had been electrified. "Thank you, Reverend Father. I'm sorry for disturbing you."

The young priest awkwardly half-bowed, then turned to leave, but Bobby grabbed his arm, stopping his retreat.

"When will you realize that there's nothing wrong with you? There's only something wrong with the institution you work for."

Bobby wasn't kidding about there being something wrong with the Catholic Church, and their treatment of homosexuality wasn't the only problem.


Six years ago, because of what had started out as a few unexplainable occurrences that seemed to be centered around one of his parishioners, Bobby had spoken to his then bishop, Rufus Turner. Not really understanding what was happening, but more just venting to a man who had been his friend for years, Bobby had been surprised when Rufus had called him back shortly after, telling him that a new curate was to be assigned to work under him, to help with the strange incidents.

At first when the young priest had arrived, explaining what he did and why he was there, Bobby thought that it was all some elaborate prank that Rufus was playing on him. Demonic possession just seemed regulated to Biblical times, and the early church's misunderstanding of mental illness. But Bobby had soon become a believer. Ultimately, he had seen for himself how Castiel had helped the girl and her family.

Something had greatly bothered Bobby at the time, though. When the incidents had begun escalating, and it had become obvious that what they had on their hands was an honest to goodness case of demonic possession, Castiel had not been allowed to proceed with the Rite of Exorcism until he had direct authorization from above. The higher ups wouldn't take Castiel's report on the situation; they required direct verification from some muckety-muck from Rome before they would let the young priest deal with it, despite pleas from Castiel, Bobby, and even Rufus, that the situation was dire and warranted immediate action.

The girl had started deteriorating quickly, and Castiel had the key that could alleviate the situation almost instantly, but his hands were tied. Bobby had to watch the young priest practically drown in his own frustration as he was forced to sit idly by, waiting for some idjit on a flight from Rome to show up. Even when the girl's mother had been gravely injured during a violent outburst from the girl, Castiel could do nothing.

Finally, the delayed flight had arrived, and Castiel had been given permission to proceed. The girl made a full recovery, but her mother hadn't made it.

Bobby had been angry at The Church over the whole issue, but what pissed him off the most was that Castiel blamed himself for the woman's death. The man had found himself having to choose between breaking his vow of obedience and prolonging a young girl's suffering, enduring his own suffering right along with her. Of course, they had no way of knowing at the time that delaying exorcism for those crucial few hours would ultimately lead to the mother's death, or any other permanent consequence. In hindsight, Bobby had no doubt that Castiel should have performed that exorcism, permission and vows of obedience be damned, but he carried absolutely no blame toward Castiel. It killed Bobby to see how the consequences of his choice to follow his vows tortured the young man.

Bobby had no doubt that Castiel was a gift from God, placed here to help anyone in need. He also had no doubt that the restrictions the Catholic Church placed on the young priest were morally wrong. He should be free to help whomever, wherever, and whenever it was needed, and anything that got in the way of that would have to go.

Bobby's beef with The Church had only increased when Rufus had died, and the new bishop chosen to replace him had carried some sort of deep antipathy toward the young curate. He seemed to no only have a problem with what the kid did –not surprising, since true demonic possession was largely considered a phenomenon of the past– but seemed to have some sort of problem with the kid himself. Bobby wondered if rumors of the kid's sexuality had somehow spread to the new bishop, because he couldn't figure any other reason to dislike the kid.


After confessing, Castiel couldn't stop thinking about the FBI agents. It wasn't (only) because of the things he had confessed. He had been assigned to St. Anthony's to explore the demonic activity, after all, and there was no doubt that this whole situation reeked of sulfur.

Adjourning to the library after his confession, Castiel powered up the computer. He found the phone number for the local FBI field office and called, asking to speak to agent Ulrich or Hetfield. The receptionist didn't seem to know who he was talking about. Upon being transferred to the Special Agent in Charge, Castiel's suspicions were confirmed when she had not only never heard of either man, but told Castiel that there were no agents from outside offices currently working in the area.

The two men weren't FBI, that was for sure. So who the hell were they, and why had they lied?


A/N: Unfortunately, in the past I've been the kind of author who really sucks at updating. It was something I intended to work on, so I want to apologize to my readers who got into this story, and went without an update for so long. I can only offer 1) my meager justifications that within the past months, we adopted a new puppy and I had surgery, from which I am still recovering, and 2) my promises that I will try to update my Supernatural stories more regularly in the future.