IV. Scene Three. Gridlock. (CATS)

All songs (Lloyd Webber/Eliot) unless otherwise indicated

[A TV screen comes on onstage. A hologram appears on it.

SALLY CALYPSO. I—

FANS. Oh bloody hell, not The Long Game again.

[In a hover car on the Motorway, the couple from American Gothic

Song. THE NAMING OF FAULTS (THE NAMING OF CATS)

MOTHER. WE'RE SOME OBSCURE COMMENTARY WRITTEN TO TEASE,

A PALE IMITATION OF SAWARD OF OLD,

THAT RTD COOKED UP IN A MOMENT OF EASE.

NOW WE NEED TO GET KILLED OFF; LET IT UNFOLD!

FATHER. WE'RE DRIVING AROUND ON THE MOTORWAY, C'REENING

TO THE BOTTOM WHERE SOMETHING MAKES 'ORRIBLE NOISE

ARE WE DEAD AMERICANS? THE SUBTEXT IS TEEMING

LET'S KEEP UP THE VIEWING—SEE WHAT ELSE IT DESTROYS.

[Their car is attacked. 'Orrible noise.

[MARTHA and THE DOCTOR in the TARDIS.

MARTHA. Please?

THE DOCTOR. No.

MARTHA. Pretty please?

THE DOCTOR. No!

MARTHA. Doctor . . .

THE DOCTOR. For the last time, Marfa, I'm not taking you to Gallifrey. There are no black people in the Citadel, for one—

MARTHA. You racist, sexist alien pig!

THE DOCTOR. –and secondly, I don't wanna!

MARTHA. Bet you'd take Rose to Gallifrey.

THE DOCTOR. That gives me an idea! Let's see New ad naseum York!

MARTHA. Okay. But if you won't take me to Gallifrey, will you at least snog me again?

THE DOCTOR. No!!

[They land. It rains.

MARTHA. You nutter. You landed us in some back alley in Cardiff!

THE DOCTOR. Oh come on, you're not made of sugar! (looks her up and down) Are you?

[He licks her cheek. She starts to go woozy.

THE DOCTOR. Oh that's right, you haven't encountered my oral fixation yet.

[Suddenly, a bunch of streetside VENDORS open up shop.

FANS. mumbleLongGamemumble

Song. DRUG-ADDLED EVOCATION (MUNGOJERRIE AND RUMPLETEAZER)

VENDOR 1. COME ON, DARLIN', HAVE SOME HAPPY—

OUR INSPIRATION IS TERRIBLY PLAIN!

VENDOR 2. WE'RE A DYSTOPIC, DRUG-ADDLED EVOCATION

OF ALL THINGS MODERN—SHARE OUR PAIN!

GIRL. I need . . . some crack . . .

MARTHA. YOU MUSTN'T TAKE THAT, INNOCENT SOUL!

GIRL. IT'S LOTUS, AND LETHE, ROLLED INTO ONE—

THE DREADED MOTORWAY FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS.

[She takes Forget from the Vendors

OOH, WHO ARE YOU? I'M OFF TO HAVE FUN!

[She skips away. Suddenly two people holding a gun kidnap MARTHA.

THE DOCTOR. Hold on, aren't you Mimi and Roger from RENT?

CHEEN. We're really, really sorry—

MILO. But you've got the wrong parody.

[They take off with MARTHA. THE DOCTOR follows them as best he can. They then drive away.

THE DOCTOR. MARFAAAAAAAAAAA!

I'M A VENGEFUL GOD, THE ONCOMING STORM

I'M GONNA MAKE MY TROUGHTON FACE (gurns)

UNTIL YOU CLEAR OUT OF THIS PLACE!

NOW YOU TELL ME WHY THEY NEEDED THREE!

VENDOR 1. THEY'RE A BIT KINKY, IT SEEMS TO ME?

THE DOCTOR. OH, MARTHA IN BONDAGE—HOW SAD!

THIS MAKES ME FEEL, WELL, ALMOST BAD.

[In the car . . .

CHEEN. WE'RE HARMLESS KIDNAPPERS, SYMPATHETIC—

MILO. WE'RE SO GOOD-LOOKING, YOUR TEETH WILL HURT—

MARTHA. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE PATHETIC!

[She rips off CHEEN's honesty patch.

CHEEN. Hey, that was my pepperoni mark from the Rani!

MILO. Don't worry about it, we'll leave you off in six years.

MARTHA. I think I'm about to have a Catherine Tate moment. WHAT?!

CHEEN. It's the transparent commentary on clogged highways.

[Next a CGI DOCTOR stands on a lay-by in a CGI haze. A car drives up. A cat man lets THE DOCTOR in.

BRANIGAN. I'm Turboman! Get in!

Song. AN IRISH CAT (THE GUMBIE CAT)

BRANIGAN. I AM AN IRISH CAT GUEST STAR,

MY NAME IS ARDAL O'HANLAN—

[VALERIE pokes him

SORRY, THE MAKEUP GOES ONLY SO FAR—

I MEAN I'M THOMAS BRANIGAN.

VALERIE. NOW DON'T HAVE KITTENS, I SAY;

I'M THE WIFE AND THESE THE KIDS—

[Shows THE DOCTOR the basket of kittens

KITTENS. MEW!

THE DOCTOR. WELL, THAT'S . . . UH . . . NICE, I MEAN . . . EWWW.

I'M NOT JUDGEMENTAL, BUT THAT'S EWWW.

BUT HOW CAN IT BE TWELVE YEARS

YOU'VE DRIVEN? IT STRETCHES BELIEF TO TEARS

IS THE FUTURE SO BLEAK YOU'RE ALL SHEEP?

BRANIGAN. THAT'S CRAZY TALK! WHO ARE YOU?

KITTENS. MEEP!

VALERIE. IF YOU'RE SO DEEPLY CONCERNED, YOU CAN CALL ON THE COPS—

THE DOCTOR. THE CYNICISM FLOWS SO, I'M IN NEED OF A MOP.

BUT LET'S KEEP THE POP CULTURE QUIPS COMING

A CRACK ABOUT FACEBOOK—

[In the other car . . .

MARTHA. WHAT IS THAT HUMMING?

CHEEN. The sound of Ian Stuart Black rolling in his grave1.

BRANIGAN. Let's call the Cassinis, they're on our friends list.

CASSINIS. We're twee and we're gay! Woot!

DIRECTOR. I HAVE A MILLION CLOSEUPS IN MIND

TO MAKE YOU CLAUSTROPHOBIC

BUT HERE'S A SOUNDTRACK OPPORTUNITY

MURRAY, WORK YOUR MAGIC!

SALLY CALYPSO. For all you out there on the Motorway, we are so sorry. Here's a hymn to brainwash you.

[Everyone sings (imagine that).

MARTHA. emo

THE DOCTOR. Whaaaa?

BRANIGAN. You think you know us so well, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR. Yeah, you're all sentimental saps. Take care of my coat.

BRANIGAN. Did you get it from Janis Joplin?

THE DOCTOR. Nah, I got it out of the TARDIS wardrobe room. Why?

Song. DOCTOR WHO SONGS FOR DOCTOR WHO CATS (JELLICLE SONGS FOR JELLICE CATS)

BRANIGAN. THIS MARTHA MUST MEAN A LOT TO YOU

THE DOCTOR. I'M AFRAID, NO, ACT'LLY I'M RATHER A JERK

DON'T BE FOOLED BY THIS—IT'S TRUE!

BRANIGAN. BON VOYAGE, RAT-MAN!

VALERIE. HE'S REALLY A QUIRK!

BOTH. BECAUSE NEW NEW YORKERS ARE WE, NEW NEW YORKERS IT'S TRUE

NEW NEW YORKERS CAN AND NEW NEW YORKERS COULD

NEW NEW YORKERS CAN AND NEW NEW YORKERS DO.

[THE DOCTOR proceeds to jump downward through a bunch of cars as rousing, swashbuckling music plays.

ALBINO. I'M AN ALBINO DRIVER—

THE DOCTOR. PARDON, PARDON ME—

ANIME GIRLS. WE'RE CUTE ANIME POP GIRLS—

THE DOCTOR. YES, I CAN SEE—

NUDISTS. WE'RE NUDISTS LIKE ON THE CAMBERWICK GREEN ADVERT—

PARODY WRITER. OH, JOIN THEM!

EVERYONE. YOU'RE SO OBSCENE!

PARODY WRITER. blush

STEED. I'M JOHN STEED IN A HAT—

THE DOCTOR. YES, I CAN SEE THAT—

[In another car, a cat woman drives two girls in white sheets.

CAT WOMAN. I'M AN EIGHTIES CAT PERSON, A LITTLE LIKE ACE—

DUDE, GET OUT OF THE FAST LANE! I'M AN EXPENDABLE CAT!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!

PARODY WRITER. NOW ENTER A PIRATE, THE PLOT'S SAVING GRACE.

[HAME the cat-nun enters STEED's car; THE DOCTOR and STEED open the bottom of the car and see Macra.

STEED. I say! I am so propah!

HAME. Shut up! I'm pissed off and I'm having PMS!

THE DOCTOR. Oooooh, look at the Macra!

TEENY BOPPERS. Duh, what?

THE GHOST OF TROUGHTON. How dare you extemporize without consulting me!

[HAME grabs THE DOCTOR and they teleport away.

Song. REMARK THE CAT

THE DOCTOR. REMARK THE CAT WHO TELEPORTS TOWARD YOU!

HAME. IN THE LIGHT OF THE DAWN, YOU LOOK FUZZY AND NEW!

(gives him a noogie)

YOU SEE, THE SENATE IS A LIFT FROM CGI STAR WARS—

THE DOCTOR. Too right it is.

HAME. AND YOU SEE THE DRUG COMMENTARY GO ON AND ON,

LIKE A BROKEN DRONE

The Face of Boe has kept all this shit going for twenty-four years.

HE HAUNTED MANY A VIEWER'S THOUGHTS

WITH THE PROMISE OF HIS WORDS TO IMPORT

HE'S GIVEN HIS LIFE TO THE CITY

A MAGICAL FIX-IT SORT.

THE DOCTOR. AND THE DOCTOR SIGHED AS HE SCRATCHED HIS HEAD—

YOU REALLY HAD THOUGHT HE'D OUGHT TO BE DEAD!

HAME. AND WHO'D HAVE EVER SUPPOSED THAT THAT

WAS— [drowned out by the sound of MARTHA being chased by Macra

MARTHA. All right, enough chasing already!

MILO. Sorry, we're not nearly as interesting as the Face of Boe!

CHEEN. Looks like you threw your life away on this bloke you hardly know!

MARTHA. No way! He's my surrogate Christ figure.

[In the Senate . . .

THE DOCTOR. Okay, I think it's all a matter of deus ex machina and putting wires together.

RUSSELL T DAVIES. I am good at that2.

THE DOCTOR. Yes, you are.

FACE OF BOE. Doc-TORRRRR . . .

THE DOCTOR. Quiet, Face, I'm trying to be sexy. Oh! Glasses! That'll do the trick!

[He puts on his glasses. THE KITTENS mewl as they see the sunlight.

Song. THE HEAVISIDE LAYER

MILO, CHEEN, & MARTHA. UP, UP, UP PAST THE MONOXIDE FUMES

UP, UP, UP, UP TO THE HEAVISIDE LAYER!

BRANIGAN & VALERIE. UP, UP, UP PAST THE CGI SUN

UP, UP, UP, UP TO THE HEAVISIDE LAYER!

THE DOCTOR. All ye sinners, drive up! Up, I say! Into the light! Can I get an Amen?!

FACE OF BOE. gurgle I've become epic, Doctor. I was a throwaway character from "The End of the World" and look at me now.

THE DOCTOR. That's why you can't die!

RUSSELL T DAVIES. I'm getting damn sick of writing him.

MARTHA. I've just run up all these stairs in a big hurry, Doctor, and I'm not even winded! What's THAT?

FACE OF BOE. PITIFUL CREATURE OF DARKNESS—

THE DOCTOR. Who, me?!

FACE OF BOE. WHAT KIND OF LIFE HAVE YOU KNOWN?

GOD GIVE ME COURAGE TO SHOW YOU

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Song. THE ADDRESSING OF CATS

THE DOCTOR. Let's go.

YOU'VE HEARD OF SEVERAL KINDS OF CAT

AND MY OPINION NOW IS THAT

MY CHARACTER'S INCONSISTENT

ABOUT CATS, AND I'M RESISTANT—

I'VE LEARNED ENOUGH TO TAKE THE VIEW

THAT THERE'S NOTHING CATS CAN'T DO—

SOME ARE BETTER, SOME ARE WORSE—

BUT ALL MAY BE DESCRIBED IN VERSE.

You go, Hame, rebuild it. I'm gonna run.

MARTHA. AND TO EXPRESS IAMBICALLY

YOU'RE TREATIN' ME QUITE TRAGIC'LY:

SO HOW YOU GONNA ANSWER UP TO THAT?

THE DOCTOR. Uhhh . . .

MARTHA. SO FIRST YOUR MEMORY I'LL TRY

AND ASK WHY YOU HAD TO LIE?

THE DOCTOR. I LIED 'CAUSE I'M A MASOCHIST

AND I LIKED TO REMEMBER THIS.

SOME EXPOSITION NOW FOR THOSE

BEFORE WE DRAW THIS TO A CLOSE:

ALWAYS BEAR IN MIND THAT YOU

COULD HAVE SEEN THIS ON YOU.TUBE

FROM WHEN I HAD BIG EARS, BUT I DIGRESS—

MARTHA. A GIRL'S ENTITLED TO EXPECT

THESE EVIDENCES OF RESPECT

SO THAT IS THAT AND THIS IS THIS

AND NOW I THINK I DESERVE A KISS.

[He hugs her.

THE DOCTOR. A GIRL'S ENTITLED TO EXPECT

THESE EVIDENCES OF RESPECT

SO THAT IS THAT AND THIS IS THIS

AND NOW—Whaaa?

[They fly away into the sunset. No kisses.

Next time: Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks. (Aida)

1 That is, er, if he's in the ground to begin with. No disrespect meant.

2 He'll never hire me now.