I woke and jumped out of bed, filled with anticipation and hoping not to lose my optimistic edge. I put on a sundress and my new diamond pendant, then studied myself in the bedroom mirror. I spent some time trying to arrange my hair before giving up and just running a brush through my curls and letting them go where they liked, as usual. I ran down the first few stairs before leaping over the banister and landing lightly in the dining room below. Momma looked up at me with a smile, and I caught her in a hug.
"No more school dress code!" I twirled in front of her, making my skirt flare out.
"You're in a good mood!" she observed.
I tried not to think of how rare that had been lately. "Well, I'm finished high school. Summer vacation's just started. We're getting ready to move into a new house in a new city, and I'll be starting college for the first time. Lots to be excited about."
"True." She grinned at me. "Are you hungry?"
"No. The hunting last night was enough for a while." I thought of running right to Jacob's house, but that might draw attention. Jacob usually came here in the mornings when I was home. I went to the piano, looked through the stacks of music on the stand, and chose one.
Grandma Esme peered in from her workroom when the music began, her dimples showing. I grinned back at her; I knew she loved hearing me play, and it had been a long time. I finished the first piece and segued into a Chopin prelude I knew she liked. I felt amazingly lighthearted and at peace with everyone, my prolonged contentious phase apparently terminated, just like that. The earthquake I'd gone through may have caused a lot of disruption, but it had also left behind a peaceful, if new, environment. My optimism grew.
I heard Jacob leave his house and approach our back door, and I quickly steadied myself so I could look at him without agitation when he came in. I managed to keep my thoughts on the music, but my feelings were another matter. The door opened, and Jake ducked his head slightly so he could walk through the doorway. Same as he always did, but today the action seemed impossibly adorable. He was wearing jeans and a tan Triumph Motorcycle tee shirt, which seemed to enhance his beauty to an almost unbearable degree. His long hair was hanging loose, and the way the sun caught it as he came through the door made my chest hurt. This really was new and unfamiliar territory. I concentrated on the music, but couldn't help but be aware that my heart was beating faster than usual.
I finished the prelude and met his eyes. "Hey, Monster," he said, smiling over at me. "What's on for today?"
I took a careful breath. "Nothing special."
"Want to go into Portland with me?"
"Portland?"
"I thought you wanted to check out the art museum before the display changed. School's out. You're free all day, right?"
"Right!" He sounded so normal. As if everything was just the same.
"And maybe get some pizza while we're out," he added.
I looked over at Momma, who gestured 'why not?' I grabbed my purse and followed Jake out the door, ready to start my campaign. How do I get my lifelong friend to start thinking of me as a...? I settled on girlfriend for now. Do I ask him directly? Flirt with him? Drug and overpower him? I stifled a snicker at that last one, and slipped into the passenger seat of Jake's Audi.
I was afraid I'd be ill at ease around Jacob now. As it happened, things were almost too comfortable. We sang along with the radio in the car. We walked to the museum holding hands, as we usually did. It felt a little different now. At one point I looked up at him, trying to find a way to broach the subject, and he looked down at me at the same time. His eyes were so black and yet so bright; I stared, forgetting where I was. He stared back a moment before blinking and looking away. He wrapped his big hand more firmly around mine as we walked.
After the gallery we stopped for pizza - well, I ate two bites while Jake finished the rest - then he suggested going to the Cryptozoology Museum.
"You always said we'd go some time," he pointed out. "We'll be leaving the area in a few weeks. Now's the time."
"Will either of us be there, do you think?"
He grinned. "I expect a room each. Plus one for the Loch Ness Monster, if you want to count that."
It was a hoot, to be honest. The place was funny to begin with, even apart from all the in jokes Jacob and I were able to share. We left in the mid afternoon and just walked around the city, holding hands and people watching.
As happy as I was, I decided time was wasting. I had to start somewhere. "It's nice spending time with you again," I said tentatively.
"I like it too." He squeezed my hand.
"I'm sorry about being so awful the last few months." More than a few months, to be honest.
He frowned. "You weren't awful."
"Yes, I was. I was in a bad mood with everyone. I put you off. It was very unfair." I realized I sounded stilted.
"And that's over with now?"
"Yeah. Definitely. I hope you're not mad at me."
"Never."
I risked another look into his eyes. Potent. "I don't want to be at a distance from you."
"Good." He smiled and gave my hand a squeeze.
The conversation quickly went back to normal - pre-earthquake normal, that is. Which was good, except that I had trouble finding a way to introduce change.
That's the way it went for the next few weeks. I loved spending my days with Jacob, the way I'd used to, but I was becoming frustrated at having to hold my feelings in. I was terrified he'd simply look sad and tell me he didn't feel that way about me, that we were just friends; and at the same time I couldn't bear the thought of keeping it all to myself forever.
One day, when we'd spent the day together, I simply decided that I had to make a stand and take the consequences. I realized that I had a means at my disposal which was not available to the average lovesick girl, and I resolved to stop thinking about it and act. We drove home largely in silence, Jacob picking up on my distraction and letting the conversation lag. When he parked the car, I turned to him, placed my hands on either side of his face, and kissed him.
I don't suppose it was much of a kiss, given my lack of experience, but at the same time I let my thoughts flow through my palms. I let Jacob see the earthquake I'd undergone, let him feel what I felt about him, even let him see my confusion and my uncertainty about how he felt, about whether I should reveal myself. I let him have it all. And I let him feel how I felt when I kissed him. He inhaled sharply, froze a moment, then very, very slowly, very gingerly, began to kiss me back. He placed one hand gently on my chin and increased the pressure of his lips minutely. I knew he was taking in the images I was sending him. He knew everything, and he couldn't doubt the truth of what I was telling him. I was half relieved, half afraid to realize that it was all in his hands now.
I let my images stop, and after a few seconds Jacob drew back from me. He looked directly into my eyes for some twenty seconds, then turned and got out of the car. I watched him apprehensively, waiting for a reaction that told me something. He opened my car door, took my hand and led me away from his garage and toward the house.
Was he really not going to say anything? "Jacob?"
He squeezed my hand. "Ness, I think we should talk in the morning."
"What? Why in the morning? What's going to change between now and morning?"
"Nothing's going to change. I just need to think a little bit. I want to do the right thing here."
"What does that mean?" I wasn't sure whether to get angry or cry. What the hell was going on?
He stopped walking and turned to me. Placing a hand on each shoulder, he bent and gently kissed me once more. On the lips, but with that same tentative quality. "Don't worry. Please, Ness. Just give me until tomorrow."
I wondered if direct rejection would hurt less than this bland avoidance. I decided crying would probably be the way to go. Keeping a grip on myself until I could run the gauntlet of my hyperaware family, I twisted away from Jake and headed for the house without another word.
Poppa was at the piano, but he left off playing when I came in. "Hi, sweetheart. Have a good day?"
"Sure," I said lightly, "really good; but I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed early." I stopped long enough to give Momma a hug and kiss goodnight, just to look more normal, and dashed up the stairs. Uncle Jasper gave me a curious look, of course, but there's only so much you can barricade.
I lay awake for hours, keeping my conscious mind on inconsequential things until I could fall asleep. I suppose my unconscious was sifting through things on its own, but at least it was out of my father's reach.
My dreams were odd. At one point, I thought I heard my father having a conversation with someone, but I could only hear his side of it, as if he were talking on the phone. The half I heard went like this:
"Yes, I remember."
Pause.
"What makes you think so? Has she said something directly?"
Longer pause.
"Yes, that confirms what I've suspected."
Short pause.
"Not at all. I don't think there's any further doubt. Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long."
Silence, during which Poppa started to speak several times but seemed to be cut short.
"You don't have to explain. I have no reservations. You have my...well, not that you need my consent at this point, but you have my blessing to proceed as you see fit."
Pause.
"I'm as okay with it as I'll ever be." He laughed, as if someone had told a joke I couldn't hear. "No. Oh, no. You're on your own from here on."
I fell into a deeper sleep at that point, and the strange dream ended.
I woke up well after the sun had risen, later than usual for me, and lay staring out the open window, thinking. I wasn't one to be discouraged by a single setback, but I had to admit, Jacob's reaction had hurt. I rose slowly and started to dress, freezing momentarily when I heard the sound of Jake's voice from downstairs. Damn. I really didn't want to face him right now.
At the very least, I was going to call off this morning discussion he had in mind.
I ran downstairs, called out greetings and headed for my studio before anybody could make further claims on my time. Jacob followed me.
"I'm going to do some painting," I told him, pointedly holding the door ready to close.
"Ness, I need to talk to you."
"Not today." I shut the door. He opened it and followed me inside.
"It's important."
"Jacob! Take the hint, for crying out loud!"
"Look, Nessie, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings the other day."
"My feelings are fine."
"But..."
"Jake! Just shut up, will you?" My plans to be calm and rational were going out the window.
He started again, and I simply walked out the side exit and across the property, still barefoot. I could hear him following me, and broke into a run.
"Nessie!" He seemed to be falling behind. "Don't make me have to phase! I need to talk to you for real!" His voice fell further back. "And I don't have an extra change of clothes! Dammit, Nessie!"
I realized I felt stupid, running away from him like a kid having a tantrum. I stopped short and turned, waiting for him to catch up. Even under these circumstances, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful he looked running toward me.
"Ness? Will you please let me explain?"
"You don't have to explain anything."
"Yes, I do."
"Seriously, you don't. There are only two answers you can give when somebody says I love you." I cringed, but gamely went on. "You can say, yeah, I love you too. Or you can say something else. Anything else; it doesn't really matter what." I knew all the heartbreaking possibilities from literature, but none had really struck me before with their unpremeditated, unavoidable cruelty. "You can say I love you as a friend, or it wasn't meant to be, or it's not you - it's me, or we're just not right for each other..."
"I didn't say any of those things."
"No. You said we should talk about this later. You think I don't understand what you're trying to...?"
"No, you don't understand."
"Jacob..."
He gripped my shoulders tightly. "What I'm waiting to say is, yeah, I love you too."
I shook my head. "But...?" I urged tightly.
"No, no buts. That's it."
I glared at him. "What's this supposed to...?"
"You told me you loved me. No, you showed me. I'm giving you answer number one: I love you too."
"And why would that have to wait until morning to talk about? What was this thinking over you had to do first?" I was half afraid he was playing a trick on me.
He released me, apparently convinced I wasn't going to make a dash for it. "I had to consider what was the right thing."
"Jacob, start making yourself clear, now!"
He gave me a tiny grin. "I didn't know if it was okay to tell you how I felt."
"Why the hell not?"
"You're a third my age, Ness. In real years, you're not even ten years old. I know age is a little different for you..."
"And for you!" I pointed out.
"Fair enough. But I really had to give it some consideration."
"And did you?"
"Yes. Plenty." I glared at him impatiently, and his smile grew. "I decided it was fine."
"Good for you."
"Nessie..."
"I could've told you myself. I'm no more a ten year old than..."
"I get it. So can I tell you now?"
"Tell me?" I'd almost forgotten what we were supposed to be talking about.
"You showed me," he placed his hands on either side of my face, the way I had last night, "how you felt about me. Let me have my turn."
He was looking intently into my face, and I had a hard time looking away.
"You're more than an earthquake to me. You're the earth." He moved his hands so his thumbs caressed my jawline. "You're what makes everything else matter. You're beautiful and brilliant and kind. Being with you is what makes it worth waking up in the morning." His eyes stared into mine. They were so black, and so full of feeling. There was no doubting his sincerity. "I love you. Not just like a friend. The same way you love me. I love you, and I'm yours. I'm anything you want me to be, and I want to be that for you forever."
I just stared at him. I couldn't say that wasn't a definitive reply.
"Okay?" he asked.
I nodded. He moved his hands to cup my head and bent to kiss me.
Some time went by. A lot of time. I forgot about the worry and pain and sense of rejection I'd been feeling. I forgot about everything. I had other things on my mind. The way Jacob's hair felt under my hand. The texture of his skin. The heat from his body. The warmth of his breath against my cheek. Thousands of things, and all of them new and overpowering.
What was more, he seemed just as overcome, every bit as fascinated.
"It's so strange," I said. My voice, even, sounded different.
"What is?" He kissed my temple softly.
"We've known each other our whole lives - my whole life, at least - and now it feels as if we just met for the first time."
"It's all new," he agreed.
We stared at each other a long minute, and at last he smiled and took my hand. "Let's go for a walk." He led me along the border of the state park the Cullen house verged upon, and into a narrow trail through the summer greenery. "We have a lot to talk about."
I've never made a list of the best days of my life, but if I did, that day would probably figure largely. We walked for hours, telling each other how we felt, pausing to hold or kiss each other, then talking again. Now that it was all over with, I was able to laugh about my conflicted feelings, my frustration and insecurity. Jacob was less precise about when he had begun to have feelings for me; he just said it had been a long time.
"But it doesn't matter. I'd wait any length of time for you. You're the perfect woman."
"Perfect. Right."
"You're perfect for me," he said quietly. "I could never want anyone else."
I turned to him, more seriously than before. "You know how this works, right, Jacob? I literally won't want anyone else. Never."
"I know."
"I just want you to be sure..."
"I'm sure, Nessie. I couldn't be more sure. You're it for me, like I am for you."
The day went on like that: telling each other, in as many different ways as we could come up with, that we were perfect and in love and just endlessly fascinating. The kind of thing that's probably unbearable to outside listeners, so it's a good thing there weren't any. It wasn't until late afternoon that either of us thought about going back home.
"Maybe we should stop in on the family?" Jacob suggested.
"They're not worried," I told him. "They know you're with me."
"Yeah, but..." He grinned sheepishly.
"What?"
"I kind of have this urge to let them know. See how they take it."
I laughed at him. "You think they'll disapprove? My family loves you. You know that."
"Sure, sure."
"What are you worried about, then?"
He grew serious. "I want to be certain, that's all. You and your family are so close. I'd hate to cause any kind of conflict between you."
"There won't be any conflict," I said confidently, although I turned with him, back in the direction of the house. "When they know how I feel about you, they'll want me to be happy. And being happy means being your..." I hesitated. We hadn't given a name to what we were to each other.
"My...what?" he asked teasingly.
"I don't know."
"My significant other?" I snorted derisively. "My paramour? Steady lady? Personal companion?"
"Girlfriend would probably do fine for now."
"Girlfriend it is. Does that make me your boyfriend?" He grinned at me, daring me to say it.
I felt shy suddenly. An almost unheard of experience for me. "I guess it does."
He put an arm around my shoulders, and I put one around his waist, and we walked slowly back to the house. Nobody took note when we entered hand in hand - we'd been doing that since I could walk. I settled down on the sofa with Jake beside me, taking in the family's activities.
I'd expected to have to make some kind of formal announcement, but in the end, nothing was even said. After a time, I leaned my head on Jacob's shoulder, and he put an arm around me. I could see the others notice and give each other significant looks. Were they expecting this? Probably. Either Poppa or Uncle Jasper had likely picked up on something and dropped a hint. I didn't mind.
Finally Momma caught my eye and raised her eyebrows at me. I smiled back, and she nodded. That was as close to an announcement as we got.
I stayed there, curled up with Jacob, until we both started to fall asleep. Finally, he said he'd better get home. I walked him out the door and halfway to his cottage, and kissed him goodnight. Repeatedly. Then I went back home, where I sat with my family until I nodded off, my head on the arm of a chair. I was in no hurry to get away from them, not any more.
