Author's Note
I managed to get this one out, phew. It was a hard one to write because to me it felt raw, and I hope I was able to portray the emotion associated with this. And... The return of a certain person! Thing. Creature. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!
I know it is a little shorter than I usually do, but with the overlapping time frames I don't want to get too advanced between perspectives, and I'm trying to figure out the best places to switch.
As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire.
Gaara
"Damn it Gaara, you are going to have to ask her yourself when she wakes up, I'm not doing it. She was fucking awake when I left, so she is probably faking it."
I frowned at him. After a couple minutes of holding onto Naruto's hand I tested the thought and picked her hand up by the wrist. "No, she was limp." I ignored the odd look he sent my way. "She won't remember."
"Something big. Not going to explain past that, no matter your threats, so don't even try."
I studied him a moment. "Dinner?"
He groaned. "No. Bribery won't work either. Tempting though." He rubbed his chin. "No, definitely won't work."
I sighed. "Tell Baki I will see him tomorrow. The meeting is postponed until I talk with my wife." My voice squeaked on the word. It was still hard. Hard to process. Wife. I had a wife, and my wife was Naruto. How would she react when she found out we were married? She had no choice in the matter. Then again, it seems she left me with no choice about it either. It occurred to me the secret she kept was the fact she knew what would happen between us. In a way, it was flattering she wanted to be with me so badly she let it happen. She let it happen. There was a painful lurch in my chest. I turned from my brother before the pain I felt from the thought showed on my face. He didn't stop me as I silently left the kitchen and made my way back up to her. My Naruto.
Mine. It didn't matter what she thought about our marriage. She let this thing happen between us, gave me the opening to take her. I wouldn't let her go so easily. Not like her ex wife. I wouldn't allow it. She was mine. Mine. I tried to clear my mind as I made my way into her room, the soft sounds of the monitor reassuring me she was still alive. Nothing else mattered. Just this beeping sound. The one which meant she was still with me. I didn't care about what she had done, or how she would take the news about us, or- Another painful lurch in my chest. I pressed my hand over my heart and grabbed the fabric of my robes. At least, I wanted not to care. For me, she was the most important thing in my life. No matter what happened this fact would not change. I love her too much. I love her. Watching the blade twist inside of her, feeling her life leave wretched my heart from my chest. More painful than my death. Numbing. I would not lose her again.
I formed the sand into a chair beneath me and I sat down, arms crossed and I watched her. I would stay until she woke up. Find out what was so important my brother interrupted my meeting with Baki. It had been an important one. I was detailing new delegations so I could spend more time at home. With her. With our... My eyes strayed to the rise in her abdomen. Child. Our child. I clenched my jaw. Once Kimiko woke up I would have to give the order. One I didn't want to say, but had to. Naruto first. Always Naruto first. I couldn't tell her my decision though. Not after everything she put herself through for the child.
Her hand twitched. My attention snapped to her fully and I watched her face. She was waking up. I stayed still. If Kankuro was correct, she might have fallen asleep while pretending to sleep. If this was true, she might not wake up if she heard me. What had she remembered? What would it be she didn't want to see me? Her lashes fluttered open and after a moment she sighed and turned her head towards me. I carefully kept my face blank as she noticed me, made obvious by the full body flinch the moment our eyes met. She met my gaze then sighed and looked back up to the ceiling. "Hey Gaara." She cleared her throat.
I felt the painful lurch in my chest again. The beeping of the heart rate monitor sped up. Kankuro had been correct. She didn't want to talk to me. I allowed her the silence. Minutes passed, and for once it was me who could no longer take the silence. It was wrong. Naruto being so quiet was wrong. For the past two day she had woken in a panic, apologizing profusely. Last night, she woke with a start, then blushed profusely when she looked at me. Then, today, I simply got the silent treatment. Maybe she realized she was turning into a woman, maybe she remembered she was pregnant. Maybe, she remembered she was no longer married to Hinata.
I stood up and leaned on the bed. I brought my head down towards hers. If I got close enough, she wouldn't ignore me. I wouldn't allow it. "Naruto." I half whispered her name. "Is there something you wish to tell me?" I chose my words carefully. Hint to her I knew what happened. Mostly. She tended to be a blubbering mess when she woke up the past couple of days, but I could make out enough she made a wish to have me ravish her but conveniently forgot about the sand. Then, last night... The apology she made after she blushed at me. It was wrong. But... I bit my tongue so as not to react to the painful lurch my heart made. I wished it would stop. I shouldn't be so concerned about something so trivial as to being taken advantage of. I had let her. It was just as much my fault. I didn't have to let her through my sand. I didn't have to continue, once I realized what was happening. But...
I found myself staring into her bright blue eyes. My breath hitched. I let myself get too close. Her eyes travelled my face, then seemed to settle somewhere lower. Was she avoiding my gaze? Couldn't she even look at me? Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. The sound sped up and I realized my thoughts were true. Avoiding me. Nervous. She didn't want me here. I swallowed down the lump forming in my throat and sat back down.
"Why am I all tied up?"
I almost didn't stop the groan before she turned her head to look at me. She wouldn't get away with changing the subject. "You are avoiding my question."
"So are you."
Her question wasn't important to me. I wasn't avoiding it, it was more habit to keep her from freaking out about the baby. She had seen her body once before she remembered. It was a very, very long day when it happened. Ever since, we had kept her tied up entirely. No need to put her through extra stress. It was easier to deal with the discomfort of being tied down than to deal with her realizing not only she was now a woman, but an extremely pregnant one. Seven months. The baby was quite obvious now. Without warning her eyes widened and she lurched, her arms struggled frantically against the ties and a soft whimper escaped her lips. Panic. She was panicking.
I lunged forward, grabbed her arms and firmly held them down. I didn't want her hurting herself, or our child. "Relax."
Her head snapped at me and anger flashed through her features. "Relax? How can I? I'm fucking tied to a bed, I can barely move, I'm in Suna earlier than I thought I would be and I am pretty sure you already have figured out what in the hell is going on with me. So tell me why in the hell I should damn well relax? I wasn't fucking ready to talk yet. I don't know how to face you, I asked Kankuro not to push the damn button, but he fucking did anyway. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to handle this, I don't know how to fix-" Her voice broke and she fell silent.
I stared at her, unable to move. I tried processing what she said. She... The lies she... Avoiding me. Kankuro? "You remember Kankuro?" Coherent thought. I needed to think.
Her face blanked. "Why wouldn't I?"
I tilted my head at her, still keeping my face carefully blank in spite of the inner turmoil and confusion of my thoughts. "You remember Kankuro."
"I think I kinda established that, Gaara. What the hell? You're not making any damn sense."
No. I probably wouldn't. She didn't remember her episodes. The time between. But... She remembered now. She remembered the last time she was awake. Was she back? Was this the time she would keep her memory? Without thinking I moved to undo her binds. If she remembered the baby, there was no point in keeping her tied down. I could make her promise not to make clones. I removed the spacers between her fingers and sat back down.
With the motion it felt as the world fell onto my shoulders. I crumpled inwards and caught my own weight with my knees. Fix. I hadn't thought about it. Fix. Her one word began to echo inside of my mind. What have I done? There was no way out for her. She was mine. She was trapped with me. Mine. Fix. Fix what? There was nothing to fix between us, which left only herself. Was she regretting it? Me? The baby? How angry will she be when she finds out I had married her while she was still more or less comatose? The lurching pain in my chest grew and I tried not to panic. What choice did she have in all this? She made a mistake by wishing for me. She was too kind, too bright to allow a life to die and gave up everything for the child. It wasn't for me, but for the child. Fix. With my one decision I had doomed her to a life with me. She lost everything. There was no way for her to fix it.
"How long? How long have I been here?"
I refused to look up. I refused to see her face as she realized how much the baby had grown.
Relax. How could I have been so stupid? I hadn't been able to relax since the attack, how could I ever expect her to? I heard her sigh and I forced myself to look at her. I nearly choked when I seen the smile on her face, her hands on the child. Her child. I know she had gone to Temari, but had she really planned on telling me, or was she safeguarding in case she- Her hands fell down heavily to her sides and the tension seemed to leave her shoulders.
I sighed. No. I wasn't going to think about it. "Two months." She deserved an answer. I didn't want to say it. Perhaps I should have given her more time to adjust. To remember. To recover.
To find out about my betrayal. Would she hate me for it? I couldn't tell her.
I wasn't ready.
I couldn't.
Not now.
I began to tremble as her hands slowly reached back up her stomach and I forced myself to sit upright. This wasn't the time to have a panic attack. Naruto gained her memory back. This was the moment I had been preparing myself for. I wanted this.
I folded my arms tightly against my chest, tightening them in an attempt to hide the tremble. I breathed in through my nose and stole a glance at the spiral on the ceiling. Calm down. Breathe deep. Slowly, the tremble faded.
It was easier to think about ice cream. "What are your thoughts on ice cream?" Change the subject. Hide the pain. Don't let her see. Never let her see.
She stiffened and looked over to me. Her eyes were wide, confused. Then, she laughed. A deep, full laugh which brightened her. I still wasn't sure what everyone found so funny about ice cream. She gave a slight wheeze which ended in a half laugh, half snort. "Ice cream, huh?" She smiled, but this one was forced. Mask. She was humoring me, and the weight grew within my chest. "Lime and chocolate would be really good, ya know?"
I blinked at her. Lime? Chocolate? These seemed like ordinary flavors compared to the ones she had mentioned before. "This might be easier." I think I could convince the man to make it for me this time.
She frowned. "Easier than what?"
The pain spread, knocking the wind from my lungs. I stood, not sure how much longer I could hide this feeling. Keep my mask. "It doesn't matter." She didn't need to know about her episodes. Not yet. She needed to sleep. To recover. Build her energy. I turned from her and let out a long silent breath.
Away. I needed to get away. The need was sudden and it took everything in my power not to just bolt from the room. Be confident. Don't show it. Don't let her witness this. I felt my heart begin to race. I lost my breath, I could barely feel my legs.
Panic. I needed out. I needed away. I couldn't do this.
I can't do this. I was to the door when her voice came.
"Wait." Soft. Weak. There was a twist in my heart at the broken sound of the singular word.
I swallowed. Don't look. She might see. Don't let her see. I looked over my shoulder, my brow twitched, threatening to drop my carefully constructed mask. "I'll be back." I quickly turned from her and left, closing the door behind me. The sound of the door echoed through my body, jolting me. Away.
I needed...
I had to... I can't breathe.
My feet took me up the few flights of stairs to my room. Alone. I was alone here. I shut the door, sealed it with sand. Then, I crumpled to the ground, my legs no longer able to hold me. The emotions I tried to bury for the past two months rushed me. My back against the wall, I drew my legs in and I buried my head in my hands. I still couldn't breathe.
Instead of breath, I gave a broken sob, one which reverberated through my entire body. What was I doing? What had I done? Why was this happening to us?
I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready for any of this. Not her. Not the baby. Not the future. Not the possibility of Naruto dying. Not marriage. Not the implications marriage entailed. There had been no choice. No options. No ways out. This was the card dealt to us, and I wasn't ready. I didn't know if I could do it. None of it. I wasn't good at anything like this. I was good at politics. I was good at rules and speeches. I was good at representing strength. I was good at protecting my people. I was good at killing.
I was not good at reading people. I was not good at being a father. I didn't even know where to begin at being a husband. I didn't know how to love. How to express it. How to make someone happy.
I just...
I just didn't...
I hugged my knees, the tears falling down my face, absorbing into my sand. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop crying. So I let them fall.
Fix.
There was no such thing.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooo
* * I stared out the window. I hadn't moved from this spot in my room in three days. I was numb. I had cried until the tears would no longer flow from my eyes. Then, after my body had cramped from its location on the floor I had forced myself to the chair at my desk. I think people had come by, but I couldn't remember for sure. There might have been voices at my door. I wasn't paying attention to them. It was everything I could do just to breathe. Air in. Air out. Beyond the numb, the pain in my chest faded into a dull constant ache. One I didn't want to acknowledge. The acidic pain my stomach started to produce on the second day was also fading. Hungry. But I couldn't move. I couldn't talk.
I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to tell her what I had done. What I had condemned her to. Who I condemned her to. What sort of idiot was I to think she would want to spend her life with me?
Not that I would ever rescind my decision, but the sheer possessiveness I felt towards her made it even harder to face her. How was I supposed to admit to her I didn't care what she thought of me? Though, I wasn't sure I could handle her telling me her true thoughts on it. Mine. She was mine and I would keep her. I would make sure she would live. I would drain the cities money if need be in order to achieve this. Nothing mattered to me beyond her.
Her. I wondered how she would handle it. How she would take it once she fully processed there would be no going back. I wondered how she would handle the loss of the use of her chakra.
These thoughts, the thoughts about not being able to handle anything to do with Naruto and the baby, the thoughts about what would happen after the baby was born and the possibility of Naruto not making it replayed continuously in my mind. Over and over again like a broken record.
I should be running Suna. Assigning missions, making sure everything was running smooth and tracking down the attackers and figuring out what purpose they had in trying to kill my Naruto.
"Well, aren't we depressed?"
My eyes shifted towards the voice and found myself staring at... Myself. Perhaps I should have forced myself to eat something after all. I was hallucinating. I blinked at the illusion, hoping it would go away, but it stayed firmly rooted to the floor. Wonderful.
"Two whole months, and you only now freak out about what is happening? It is clear as day what you are thinking. Naruto is too dumb to realize it though. You abandoned her, didn't you?"
Naruto isn't dumb. A little. No, definitely not dumb. I wanted to chastise the illusion for daring to insult her, but my voice wouldn't work.
"Yes, for three days. She's been down there. All alone, confused as to why you just ran off like this." The voice was far too sweet. Far too amused. My imagination was a sordid thing if it came up with this. My illusion came closer to me. "You went through with it didn't you? I can almost feel your regret from here. How wonderful, she is going to flip out when she finds out about it. Don't you think so?"
I leaned back as it drew nearer, it's face now only inches from mine and I could feel it's breath on my cheek.
Breath? Illusions didn't have breath. I tentatively moved a hand between us and tested it, and it pushed against solid flesh. Real. Not an illusion. "Figure it out?" The breath began to have a scent. Naruto. "Gaara?" My name was spoken in a whisper and the scent became almost overwhelming.
I breathed it in. Naruto. This scent was purely Naruto. Which meant only one thing. I bit my tongue and cleared my throat and said the only thing which came to mind. "How did you get in here?"
It may not have been the best first question to ask, but I hadn't eaten in three days.
He leaned back, his smile turned up slightly more on the left into a smirk. "Does it really matter?" He gave a laugh which sent a shiver down my spine. A slow, sadistic type of laugh. I wasn't sure I wanted to know.
