AN: I'm baaack! And with an update, no less. :) This is the longest chapter so far (I guess I'm making up for the short one before, haha), though when I write I don't really pay attention to the word count, to be honest. Anyways, I'd like to again stress that I am not a psychologist! I'm totally making this stuff up. So if I write something that sounds even halfway intelligent on the subject, it's a happy accident. ;)
And another thing to note here: For the most part, I tend to write the English translations of jutsu and titles for my fics (example: 'Shadow clone jutsu' instead of 'Kagebunshin no jutsu', 'Big brother' instead of 'Aniki' and so on and so forth), simply because it's easier on my poor spell check. Not always, but most of the time.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. For if I did, I would be filthy rich, and would proceed to hire an army of Naruto cosplayers, whom I would then force to do battle on a daily basis for my amusement. But I do own my OC's, Mendo and Kusai, who might actually battle for me, if I ask nicely.
Step 3: Kindness
xxxxxxx
"Pardon?" said Itachi politely, while the others simply fixed Mendo with looks that obviously inquired to the state of his mental health.
"Step 3: Perform A Random Act of Kindness." Dr. Mendo repeated with cheerful abandon. The looks he was receiving didn't cease.
"Yes, but what exactly does that mean?" said Deidara.
"It means just what I said, you're going to go out and perform a random act of kindness to somebody. It's one of the easiest steps there is." said Mendo, still refusing to drop his ridiculous smile.
"And just how is this supposed to help us, exactly?" demanded Hidan.
"I think what my idiot partner means is, how does this help 'reform' us?" Kakuzu clarified.
"Well..." Mendo said slowly, pulling off his spectacles to clean them on the end of his shirt. "As villains, you've almost always selfishly put your own needs first...with the exception of Itachi, here." he added, nodding towards the Uchiha. "Being kind and considerate to others simply isn't one of your defining traits, as a general rule. So this step mostly takes you out of your comfort zone, just in a small way."
When the group continued to give him blank looks, he sighed.
"All you have to do is perform a small act of kindness to somebody, it doesn't have to be a grand gesture. Even if it's simply holding a door open for someone. It's not difficult at all."
More blank looks.
"Just give me either a written or oral report, what ever you're most comfortable with, on what kind act you did during tomorrows session, okay?" said Mendo, putting his glasses back on. "You can leave now."
That, at least, got a reaction out of them. They had all either poofed or bolted before he had the chance to blink.
The next day...
"Alright, everyone, I've been looking forward to hearing about your good deeds. Who wants to start?" Mendo asked, in his usual chipper mood.
The Akatsuki's looks at him ranged from disinterest to completely pissed off.
"Well? How did it go?" he tried again, oblivious to the heightened blood-lust in the room. Most of it seemed to be coming from Kisame, who had scratches all over his face, and Deidara, who was bruised and battered looking, with odd lines on his face which Sasori was currently examining with interest. Most of the others simply looked bored or wary, though Itachi was humming lightly, a brown paper bag clutched in his hands.
When it became evident that, once again, no one was going to answer him, Mendo sighed and said "How about you, Hidan?"
"How about me what?" Hidan asked with a yawn.
"What was your act of kindness?" Mendo asked patiently.
"Oh, yeah, that. Uh, I thought about it, and decided that me not killing you right now is a tremendous act of kindness on my part." he said, leaning back in his chair. "Nice of me, eh?"
Mendo sweat-dropped, then decided to try Itachi. "You're always a treasure-trove of information, Itachi. What was your kind act?"
Itachi held up his bag. "It wasn't a grand gesture, I'm afraid." he said, opening the bag. "You see, I bought some onigiri last night before I went home. I was hungry, and they were very good, but I knew that baby brother also loves onigiri. So I saved him one to eat when he came home last night. See?"
He triumphantly pulled said onigiri out of the paper bag, holding it out for all to see.
"That was, ah, very kind of you, Itachi." said Mendo, a sweat-drop still visible. "But..."
"How did you save it for Sasuke if you brought it here?" Hidan asked, while the rest of the group gave Itachi annoyed looks.
"What?" Itachi asked blankly.
"If that's the one you saved, your little brother sure as hell didn't eat it." Hidan snapped with an eye-roll.
Itachi blinked, then looked down at the onigiri in his hand. "Damn." he muttered, before shrugging and taking a bite out of it.
Mendo still looked a little sheepish when he turned to Kisame. "And just what did you do, Kisame?"
Kisame gave Mendo a look of pure murder. "I rescued some kid's kitty out of a tree." he hissed through gritted teeth.
Mendo's face lit up. "That's wonderful!"
"No, he didn't." said Itachi, still munching on his snack, one leg crossed over the other.
"What do you mean, I didn't?! You were there!" fumed Kisame.
"I was, which was how I witnessed you killing the kitty." said Itachi, taking another bite.
"Did you see what the little bastard did to my face?!" yelled Kisame, pointing at the scratches on his face. "Plus I still rescued it, so it counts!"
Itachi glared. "If my onigiri doesn't count, neither does your dead cat."
"That-!" Kisame fumed, while Sasori began to talk over him.
"I entertained the poor distraught child afterward, that's my good deed." he said innocently.
"No, you didn't. You made everything worse." Kakuzu rumbled. Sasori looked mildly offended.
"I don't know what you mean, I helped the poor girl."
"No, you made her scream bloody murder. I'm the one who calmed her down, afterward." said Kakuzu.
"I don't think we witnessed the same events, then. Deidara, you were there, tell them what I wonderful thing I did." Sasori said, raising his eyebrows and turning to his partner.
"I was a little busy, yeah?!" Deidara snarled.
Sasori frowned. "Where you, now? I don't recall."
Deidara looked ready to lounge at Sasori, but Mendo intervened. "Now, what exactly happened? You all seem to have conflicting stories, here. You were all together?"
Kakuzu nodded solemnly. "Yes, it was just down the street from this building, actually."
Mendo nodded. "So what happened?"
"Well, we had all just left, and were deciding what to do, when..."
xxxxx
"What's wrong, little girl?" Itachi asked the sobbing child. She looked to be about 5 or 6 years old, and had been crying steadily since they had walked up to the street corner.
Kisame stood behind him, not paying much attention to them, while Sasori watched the child with mild interest, and Deidara with annoyed wariness.
Kakuzu was sitting on a bench a few feet away, counting some coins, while Hidan poked a dead squirrel he had found under the bench.
"Th-the kitty, he's stuck in the t-tree." the child sniffled, pointing to the tree a foot from the sidewalk they were standing on. "H-he won't come down, either!" she wailed.
The four Akatsuki standing by the girl looked up at the tree. "I see, that's a problem, isn't it?" said Itachi, turning back to the girl. He then looked pointedly at Kisame, who blinked back at him.
"It would be kind to help her, wouldn't it?" Itachi asked pointedly.
Kisame sighed. "I'll get your kitty, kid." he grumbled, walking over to the tree.
"R-really?" the little girl sniffed. Kisame didn't bother to answer, just walked up the tree using his chakra.
The girl's crying started to subside some, though she was still too sniffley for Deidara's taste, who wasn't all that comfortable around children to begin with, so he walked off a ways and left Itachi and Sasori with the kid.
He hadn't gotten very far when he heard a voice ask "Young man, do you think you could help me?"
Deidara looked for the source of the voice and found it to be that of a short old lady with thick glasses, standing on the curb beside him. "Huh?" he asked, annoyed.
"I don't see so well, and I need to get across the street. Do you think you could help me?" she asked, indicating the street with her cane.
Deidara's first impulse was to tell the crone to damn well try it herself, but he hesitated. "I suppose...I've nothing better to do, anyway, hmmm?" he sighed.
"Why, thank you, young man. Much obliged." croaked the woman pleasantly, grabbing his arm.
"Did you find it?" Itachi called up the tree.
"Almost, it's at the end of this branch, here...it keeps running away." came Kisame's gruff reply.
"Try calling for it." suggested Itachi.
"What? I don't-oh, fine. Er, here, kitty kitty kitty." Kisame grumbled, reaching out for the cat. It hissed at him.
"Come on, fur ball, I don't have all-Son of a bitch!" he snarled, as the cat launched itself at his face.
Below, Sasori raised his eyebrows slightly while Itachi frowned, as the sounds of the cat growling and snarling and Kisame's howls of fury echoed around them.
Kisame finally managed to rip the cat from his face and threw it down the tree, where it connected with the sidewalk with a splat, right in front of Itachi, Sasori, and the horrified little girl. Kisame jumped down in front of them as well.
"Uh...got it." he said.
"Oh my." muttered Sasori.
The child started screaming. "Kitty!" she wailed, throwing herself at Itachi's legs and sobbing hysterically.
Meanwhile, Deidara had managed to get exactly 2 feet away from the sidewalk with the woman. The traffic light had long since changed, and cars were whizzing by and honking at them. The old woman was completely oblivious to this, and continued to go on and on to Deidara about her grandchildren, walking at a snail's pace all the while.
A vein pulsed in Deidara's head, and he pulled the woman back a little, just before an oncoming truck could hit her. They made it another foot while she told him about how her little Rei-chan was starting Kindergarden this year.
"Ta-daa!" Sasori cried, brandished his fingers, which were attached to chakra strings, which were in turn attached to the corpse of the cat Kisame had thrown to it's death. "Kitty lives! See kitty, go play with your little friend." he said, making the cat, which was still flat on one side, walk up to the little girl, who stared at it in wide-eyed terror.
It's eyes were still open and glazed, and it's tongue was hanging out. The girl screamed at the top of her lungs and hide behind Itachi, who looked slightly disturbed.
"Plaaay wiiith meeee." said Sasori in a low voice that was supposed to sound like a cat, but instead sounded like creepy zombie. The little girl screamed louder and tried to climb up Itachi.
"Oh, come now, kitty just wants to be petted. Pet the kitty, Kisame." said Sasori, making the cat walk up to Kisame.
He gave it one disturbed look of alarm, then drop-kicked it into the street and oncoming traffic, where it hit the windshield of a bus. The bus swerved and nearly hit a car, before plowing over to the sidewalk Deidara and the old lady were finally approaching.
Deidara yelped in alarm and shoved the old woman out of the way. The bus plowed right over him.
The old woman looked around a second, then shrugged. "Young people, always in such a hurry." she sighed.
Kakuzu walked up to the group with an ice-cream cone. "Little girl, would you like some ice-cream?" he asked, ignoring the shouting match Sasori and Kisame had engaged in.
She looked at him with swollen, tear-filled eyes. "U-uh-huh..."
Kakuzu nodded, and held out the ice-cream. "That'll be 3.75." he said, holding out his empty hand as well. The girl looked at him blankly.
Itachi sighed and pulled a wad of bills and coins out of his pocket and handed it to the girl. She gave the money to Kakuzu, who gave her the ice-cream and a pat on the head.
She trudged off with the treat, giving Kisame and Sasori a wide berth.
xxxxxxxxxxx
"And that's what happened." Kakuzu finished with a shrug.
Mendo, Konan, and Pain all stared at him with their mouths open.
Miss Kusai looked up from her notebook to Itachi. "Pretty much, yeah." he said, answering her unasked question and popping the last bite of onigiri into his mouth. "So what did you two do?" he asked Pain and Konan.
"I put some extra change in someone's parking meter." said Pain, still staring in disbelief.
"And I helped some woman carry her groceries." added Konan, a look like Pain's on her face.
Kusai looked at her notes. "So other than Konan, Pain, and Deidara, none of you managed to pass the excercise. I'm not really surprised." she said in her usual tone.
The other Akatsuki all started to protest.
"We did too!"
"That's not fair!"
"What do you mean?"
"And just how did Deidara pass?! I didn't think becoming a human speed bump was considered kind." protested Sasori.
"What?" yelled Deidara.
"You didn't do anything kind." huffed Sasori. "Getting run over doesn't count."
"I was helping that old crone, wasn't I?" fumed Deidara.
Kusai sighed. "He passed because he actually did help the old lady, not because he became road-kill. The rest of you didn't do anything nice."
"I did too, I gave her the ice-cream." replied Kakuzu.
"No, you sold her the ice-cream." Konan pointed out.
"Yep, for twice what I paid for it, too." said Kakuzu, sounding pleased.
"The point is, all you managed to do was traumatize and take advantage of a 6-year-old girl. No kindness whatsoever, though Itachi, you did pay for the girl's ice-cream, so you pass as well." said Kusai, sitting back down.
By this time, Mendo seemed to have regained his speech. "W-well, half of you got it on your first try. This is a great improvement, overall. And you did try, that's important." he said, pulling out a handkerchief to wipe his face with. "I suppose the rest of you shall just have to try again..."
Kisame, Sasori, Kakuzu, and Hidan all started arguing the point, before Hidan suddenly perked up.
"I told the bus to back up off of Deidara, that's kind, isn't it?" he asked.
"No." said Kusai, Mendo, Itachi, and a very pissed Deidara.
AN: Lol, I didn't realize the absurdity of this entire scenario until I read it again just now. But this is the most fun I've ever had writing fanfiction...I'm enjoying every minute of it! ;) I apologize for any mistakes in here ('cause I know they're there, despite my best efforts), and I hope it doesn't distract from the story.
Hope you guys liked it! Thanks for the reviews, and remember: they totally guilt/encourage me to update! ;)
