I do not own Twilight or any characters associated with the series.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading! This is my first fanfic: be gentle. Constructive criticism
helps. This story takes place about 3 years after
Breaking Dawn. Rated M for language, sexual themes, and some crude humor.

Enjoy! ~


RPOV

After waking up and getting dressed for the day, I walked through the living room where my dad was, playing with the television remote or something, and into the kitchen to find my mom pouring milk into a bowl of Frosted Flakes. I went over to the kitchen table and took a seat in front of my breakfast.

I never really liked human food, but Carlisle wanted me to have at least 2 human foods a day. The Frosted Flakes had a lot of sugar, and the sweetness of it made eating it more bearable.

"Good morning," she said, bringing over a glass of elk blood and kissing me on the forehead. "Did you sleep well after we talked?" I couldn't be sure, but I thought she had a look of worry or embarrassment on her face. Was there a reason that I shouldn't have slept well after that conversation?

I heard my dad clear his throat when he heard that thought.

"Yep," I responded, ignoring the look on her face and gulping at the delicious blood in front of me.

"Eat first," she laughed, pulling the glass away from my lips and setting it back onto the table. "Remember what Carlisle said."

When I had finished eating the slop, we made our way to the main house like we do every day.

"Hey kid," snickered Emmett when we walked through the front door. "Did you…" he laughed before continuing the sentence. "…sleep well?"

"Emmett, don't even think about it or so help me I will shove so much human food down your throat that you'll wish you were truly dead," my dad threatened.

Emmett laughed at his threat. "Oh, and by the way, I took care of that problem for you."

"What?" asked my mom.

"Yeah, I made sure that he would never do that again." It was obvious that he was trying really hard to keep from laughing hysterically.

"What do you mean?" she questioned.

My dad stiffened and his eyes widened. He shuttered.

Wow. Whatever Emmett did must've been really bad. And I mean, really bad.

"Bella, uh… why don't you take Nessie hunting for a while? I need to have a word with Emmett," he stuttered.

"No, Edward. What happened? It can't be that bad."

At that moment, Carlisle walked through the doorway, taking off blood-stained gloves and directing his attention to Emmett. "He'll be alright, but he will be permanently damaged in the area. Medical technology can only go so far, and reattaching limbs is still a very tricky practice. It can't be done with this situation."

"R-reattaching?" My mom stuttered, her eyes growing wide. "Oh my god…" She said as her hand came up to cover her mouth. She turned and faced the giggling figure. "Emmett… please say you didn't…"

"If I said that I'd be lyin'. And anyway, he deserved it, and you know it," he conquered.

"Who deserved what?" I asked, breaking my silence.

"Nothing to worry about, Renesmee. Why don't you go and ask Esme to get everything out for those cookies I promised?"

"Okay!"

I ran into the kitchen, completely oblivious to the conversation behind me.

BPOV

After she had left the room, I stood gaping at Emmett. I couldn't imagine the pain Jacob must've been in right now, and I knew that Edward must've been hearing my attempts at imagining it because he began to grimace.

"Sorry," I mumbled at him. "But Emmett! What the hell?! He's got blood running through his veins! What you did could've killed him! You don't even know-"

"I knew enough to know that his dick needed to be ripped off. So I did."

"Emmett, even though I agree with you to some extent of his punishment, I do not approve of this. The amount of physical pain he must be in-"

Emmett interrupted him. "Edward. Do you honestly care? I mean, think about what he was doing. Don't you feel so much better knowing that he got what was coming to him?"

"Jacob's pain is Bella's pain. And Bella's pain is my own."

"Oh, come on. He'll be fine. And look," he said, pulling a jar filled with water from the table behind him. "I got you a souvenir!" He shook the jar and the item inside wiggled.

"Fuck!" Edward blurted out, turning and walking from the room.

"Yeah I heard that last night too, bro! Nice work! I knew she was a screamer!" he yelled after him.

I left the room after kicking him in his own private area, leaving him moaning in pain.


A/N: Okay. I hope you liked my version of a crack-fic! I'm done writing this story, but I have another one, called "Renesmee's First Period", and it's a serious situation kind of thing with a little bit of humor. Go read it!

R&R please! :D

Peace out yo~