Amsterdam, City of Acceptance II
The rest of that day we spent talking in our room. Since we went to bed at 5 am, we were still pretty tired and it was now 4, so we couldn't really do anything anymore. It was too late to visit a museum or something now. We dressed and made a walk around the city. I loved all the water here. All the canals and little locks. I was a little sad it was winter here, but otherwise I would definitely have made a trip over it with one of those boats that were now floating useless at the sides. It was too cold to navigate on the waters. It would be freezing soon.
"Okay. Favorite color?" Asked Logan when we were sitting in the restaurant of our hotel. We'd played this game the whole day. There was so much I didn't know about Logan and I certainly wanted to know more. Much more. He was a fascinating person. I'd only known him for a less than 48 hours and I already knew more of him than I knew of my parents. I'd lived with them for almost eighteen years! I saw how devoted he was to his family. He definitely loved his parents and brothers and it was hard to see him struggling with them turning their back on him.
"Black" I said.
"How boring. Mine's yellow"
I was surprised. "Yellow? Seriously?"
"Dude, have you ever seen yellow? It's always so cheerful. This color can brighten up whole rooms"
"I guess your right… but that's the same with orange" I said thoughtfully.
"That's why it's my second favorite" He said matter-of-factly.
I face palmed. "Alright. Favorite… ice cream flavor?"
"Vanilla. Yours?"
"Chocolate"
"I hate chocolate"
I gasped. "You're kidding right?"
"No. It's just… gross. Seriously, I've no idea why everyone likes chocolate so much"
"Did you ever taste chocolate? It's like freaking heaven!"
"I did, but I just don't think it's all that good"
"You're the weirdest person ever"
"I'll take that as a compliment"
I laughed. "Favorite fast-food?"
"French fries"
"Mine too! Promise me we're going to eat them tomorrow"
He chuckled. "Sure"
"Great"
After dinner we went out again. We made another walk, this time to the Vondelpark. A small park in the middle of the city and close to our hotel. It was beautiful in the dark, with the occasional lantern lighting up the path we were walking on. We goofed off and talked some more. It was crazy how much I started to like Logan. I already liked him better than James and Carlos and I'd known those guys for years. They were great friends for me, weren't as judgmental as the rest of the village and accepted gay people. Heck, James was the one who pointed out I might be gay!
I wondered how he found out he was attracted to guys. Was it like me, realizing after dating several girls you never felt more for them then friendship? I'd dated a few girls from school. Had kissed them and even had sex with the last one, Jo, but I never found myself actually loving them. All of them made great friends, but they just weren't what I was looking for. I didn't like how capricious they were. They always wanted something different. I hated breasts. Those things just asked for trouble. I loathed the feeling of those fleshy things between me and the girl in question when we were kissing or hugging. Their asses always were too blubbery and ugly. I didn't even want to think about the v-word. Gross.
I would ask him about that later. It was way too early to go all deep on him. I would probably only scare him away and that was definitely not what I wanted. I wanted to get to know him better, see if he was attracted to me as much as I was attracted to him. I hoped he was, but I never found something that could prove that.
"Hey, how old are you?" I asked when I realized I'd no idea. Basing my assumption on how much he knew, I would say he was eighteen. What would mean he was older than me, but on the opposite side, he was really small. That didn't have to mean anything of course, but still. I decided he was at least seventeen.
"Sixteen" He said.
My eyes widened a little. "And your birthday?"
"December 28"
Our age difference was even bigger than I thought. It was today the 25th of January. That meant he'd only been sixteen for a month. "What's yours?" He asked curiously.
"February 20" I said quietly.
"And then you'll be seventeen?"
"No, eighteen" He was silent after that. I didn't really mind he was younger than me, even if I wanted to be more than friends with him. It scared me how much I liked him, how deep those feelings were already. I was falling way too quickly for him, but how could I not? We'd spent every minute of the past two days together. Normally I would go crazy when I was with someone that long, got annoyed by them quickly. That didn't happen with Logan. I'd two explanations for that. One, I just didn't know him well enough to find any things that annoyed me. Or two, I liked everything about him and there was just nothing that could annoy me. He acted much more mature for his age than other people I knew, which was why I assumed he was older than he was. It probably had something to do with how smart he was. Or that he grew up with two older brothers.
I noticed he was creating a distance between us with every step he took. I didn't know if it was on purpose or unconscious, but I didn't like it all that much. I decided to make a bold move and do something about it. Something that would immediately tell me how he thought of me.
I took a step closer and without looking at him I smoothly took his smaller hand in mine. I had to suppress a smirk when I saw him blushing out of the corner of my eyes. I stroked his knuckles with my thumb once and felt him gripping my hand tighter.
We walked back to the hotel. For me this was ending way too soon. I wanted to hold his hand longer. I swear it was the best feeling in the world. If I could hold his hand more often, I didn't mind going to hell. I wouldn't need anything anymore if I could have his hand. The blush had told me he liked this too, but that he was too shy to do anything about it. Now that I knew his real age and his reaction on holding hands, I could tell he didn't have that much experience with flirting, or relationships in general. He was uncertain and scared for it and it was oh so adorable. I fucking loved it.
The innocence waved off him, filling me with the intense need to protect him. I'd always been protective, over my friends and baby sister and those people who were a little different than the rest, but this was insane. I loved it how I was the one he depended on so much already. It was a certain pressure, because now I had to make sure I was worth his trust, but it also felt really good. I hoped I would be the one to guide him through the whole relationship thing, if he wanted me to. I already like him better than all my ex-girlfriends together, but he had to like me back to make it all work. I hoped I would be able to deal with it if he didn't like me like I liked him. I was already getting obsessed with him and I really wanted it all to work out. I didn't mind going slow, this was my first relationship with a guy too and I wanted it to last. I could imagine him being sweet and cuddly and oh so shy…
I realized that would probably my biggest enemy, his shyness. Next to his acceptance of himself, of being gay. He seemed to hate it he was attracted to guys, still not accepting himself for who he was. The reason for that were probably his parents. He must not like it very much he disappointed them so deeply they kicked him out. In my opinion, they were just not worth knowing him, but this were his parents we were talking about and I understood there was something called love for them. Even if I'd never experienced something like that with mine, I knew most of the people loved the persons that raised them. I was wondering what had to feel worse, having loving parents but losing that love the moment they find out you're gay. Or, like me, never having parents that loved you. They treated me well, gave me everything I wanted, but it was no love. What was worse? Having known love and losing it, or never experiencing it at all?
We reached the hotel, but Logan didn't let go of my hand until we got into our room. I gently pulled apart, after stroking his knuckles a last time.
"We should go to bed" He said, supposedly to break the silence.
"Why? I'm not tired yet"
"Me either, but it's eleven pm and we need to get used to this time zone. We can't keep living on American times when we're in Europe"
I sighed. "I hate it how often you're right"
He smiled and turned around to his suitcase. He grabbed some clean boxers and the shirt he wore to bed yesterday and went to the bathroom. I undressed in here, but then realized I had to brush my teeth too. I already had my hand on the doorknob, when I decided I should knock first to avoid any more awkward scenes between us.
I knocked three times. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah"
I walked in. I wasn't really paying attention and focused on brushing my teeth. Until I noticed he was no longer moving, or breathing. I then got aware of the fact I was wearing nothing boxers. I had to suppress the smug grin that was forming on my face when I caught him looking at me in the mirror. He snapped out of it and focused on brushing his teeth again, the usual blush creeping on his face. He tried to not look at me anymore, but I still caught him glancing at me a few times. Such an ego boost.
He was done faster than I and left the bathroom quickly. I rinsed my mouth and cleaned my toothbrush before going back into the room. He was already lying in bed, his face away from me. I figured he was still embarrassed, but when I walked over to my side I saw his eyes were closed and he was slowly breathing in and out. He was sleeping.
I got under the covers and watched him sleep. I hoped his 'ninja little brother skills' didn't work when he was asleep, because I couldn't tear my eyes away anymore. He was so beautiful . Most gorgeous person ever, including James and that guy was hot. I wanted to have him really badly. I needed to make more work of it. I might have to do an attempt on flirting and complementing, while taking things slow. Or, as slow as you could go with a guy that practically lived with you, spent every minute of every hour with you. My first project? Making him accept who he was. Where better to do that than in the city of acceptation?
