I own nothing these are other people's characters that I am toying with because . . . . . well . . . . . they didn't get enough episodes.
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Chapter #4: Last Minute Insecurities
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River felt itchy all through dinner when Jayne hadn't made an appearance. It was already unusual but when Mal didn't say anything about their missing crew mate it seemed to amplify the whole situation. Inara and Kaylee managed to stir enough conversation to get them through but even Jake sensed that something was happening. Clean-up was quiet other than the sound of dishes being handled. River slipped out as soon as they were finished. Jayne was no longer in the hold so she decided her room was the most likely place for him to find her when he was ready to talk. She thought it might be prudent to double-check her appearance although that thought had her fighting off worries she'd been trying to avoid all day. She retreated to her room as quickly as she could at that point.
Once she had gotten to her room she began to concentrate on all the positives she could. She'd spent most of the day doing that to avoid driving herself crazy with other thoughts that weren't so positive. Zoe had been quiet but steady in her confidence that Jayne would want to continue what they'd started. Inara felt that Jayne taking a long time was a good thing it meant he was considering it. River had to admit to herself that Inara's reasoning was logical and thus encouraging. She told herself again and again that it would be fine, what they had was good and it was real. He had been happier and more content these last six months than she'd ever known him to be. He would surely see that, wouldn't he? She could be very patient in some situations but she'd waited all day and needed to have some sort of answer. He'd said they would talk later and she was going to hold him to it. River was so preoccupied with her thoughts that she hadn't realized Jayne wasn't in his bunk until she'd opened the hatch. He'd be back at some point, she climbed down, closed the hatch, sat on his bed and tried her best not to be overly effected by this small space that held so much of his essence.
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Jayne felt good about talking to River. Simon was right he could just let her read him and she could be sure that he would be able to give her what she wanted. It was so simple she'd give him the answer and they'd both know. After tromping around most of the ship looking for her he'd determined that she was in her room. The problem was that as he'd been searching he began to realize how much he wanted this to work out. That thought slowed him down as the implications of River reading him started to sink in. What if she looked inside him and saw that he wasn't capable of what she wanted. Or worse she would see that he wasn't the person she had thought. This last thought stopped him entirely. She was within reach in her room not far from him. Somehow in one day he realized what he really wanted and she'd been right in front of him for years. He hated the idea of waiting another day to find out but he suddenly dreaded the thought of her probable disappointment when he was laid bare to her. He could feel the pressure building in his skull he'd never been any good at tests. Gorram dumb ass is what he was! Simon was right in one sense but there was no way River would want him once she really saw him. The thought of River's inevitable disgust was more than he could stand. It figures, he'd finally seen something good that he wanted just in time to be smacked in the face with how stupid it was to think anyone like River would want him. He'd tell her the whole thing was a bad idea in the morning. A heavy deflating weight settled on him and he felt like it was a struggle just to get back to his bunk. He picked up her sent three steps down the ladder. Damn, she was waiting for him. He tried to prepare himself to tell her no as he finished his decent.
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River sat on Jayne's bed waiting impatiently. She tried not to think about him but being surrounded by his sent in this small bunk that was imprinted with him made it impossible. She'd worked so hard all day to avoid certain thoughts and finally they refused to be put away. Of course he knew what she wanted after today that much was obvious. He was great with Jake but she had no idea what he thought about having children of his own. They'd never discussed it let alone what he would think of having children with her. What if he didn't think she could be a good mother? It was something that she'd worried about in any potential relationship but even more so with Jayne. He'd talked just enough over the years that she had pieced together how hard Jayne's mother must have worked. His father worked sun up till sundown almost every day to make as much money as possible. Jayne's mother was left to handle almost everything else including the budget which was tight even before his youngest sibling Mattie was born with a lung ailment that needed expensive medication. She knew that to Jayne his mother was the toughest woman in the verse, one who did whatever it took to keep the household going and assure her children knew they were loved. He'd never said it but she suspected his motivation in leaving home early was to make his mother's life easier with one less stomach to fill and all the extra credits he could get back to her. River was a mentally damages assassin that came from wealth, how could she ever compare? If that wasn't bad enough, thinking about children led to thoughts of making children which involved physical intimacy. Her insecurities about what Jayne's assessment of her physical appearance might be were a constant struggle. He'd always seen her as female of course that was hard to miss when she popped out of a box naked. While trying to scare Dobson he'd told him she was cute, which from Jayne was certainly no endorsement of sexual attraction. He had told her she was real sexy in her own way and he'd apparently appreciated her feet and the way she moved in general but that didn't necessarily mean that he desired her sexually. In fact all of those statements could easily be interpreted as being nice to his friend and crew mate. She wasn't buxom, blond or painted like the women she knew he used to buy time with. Sure since her health improved she'd filled out a bit but the fact remained that she was slender with smallish curves and she'd never seen Jayne take an interest in women of that build. This was what she feared would be his biggest hang up once he started to consider the ramifications of them being together. She didn't even have any experience or skill to offer as a lover. Willingness and eagerness, yes but absolutely no practical experience. She worried that her inexperience would be yet anther detriment when he considered sex with her. It was hard not to think about it even if she'd long ago decided that she could live without Jayne having a great amount of physical desire for her so long as he could grow to love her. Like any woman she wanted to be desirable but she couldn't figure out if the thought of not being so made her feel more disappointed in herself or for herself. The sound of the hatch opening startled her and she shrugged off the instinct to hide. Jayne paused halfway, obviously alerted to her presence, before finishing his decent.
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Author's notes:
I know, sorry about the cliffhanger. I wanted to separate this part from the ending so I could give anyone reading a good idea of how I was picturing River and Jayne's mindsets before they come together for their big resolution. The last chapter won't be up quite as quickly as the rest. Its written but I probably won't get around to putting the finishing touches on it for another day or two.
Thanks as always for reading and all feedback is welcome.
