Hey there people. I know I haven't updated this story in a while, but to be honest, my motivation is waning here. So if you like this story, and don't want me to scrap this thing altogether, please review, follow, etc. Also, tell your friends.
Be good. Go to bed early. Be respectful to mum. Eat your broccoli. Brush your teeth.
And that's all I have to say about that. Anyway, story.
Atrophy
I stood there staring at the doorknob for about two or three minutes. In my mind, it seemed like hours. Part of me wanted to walk in, say hello to Fionna, administer her daily dose of meds, and get out. Another part of me wanted to burst through the door, wrap my arms around her, and kiss her and profess my love to her. Yet another part of me wanted to sprint across the hallway, down the stairs, and into oncoming traffic.
I chuckled as I realized how well this set of emotions summed up my relationship with Fionna Mertens. Even though her violent spells had subsided, she still had moments when she'd shut herself entirely in her own little world. One minute we'd be playing Bmo and idly chatting about our favorite music (she likes folk music… I'm a punk-rock fan myself), and then next thing I know her eyes would gloss over, and just like that it would "probably be best if I went on my way now."
I had been turning the situation over in my head for the past week, back when Cake had visited. I tried to recall everything Fionna had told me that day, trying to find something, anything, that could give me a hint as to why Fionna had suddenly grown so cold around me. But it all came up useless. Then, it hit me.
There was that night that we kissed. It was about a month ago now. We had never talked about it afterward, she had acted like nothing ever happened. I was actually relieved that she did, I had no intention of getting involved with a patient. But recently, that evening had been replaying itself over and over in my head, and every time I thought about it I felt happy… but at the same time, I felt sad. I told myself that the sadness was out of shame, and I never should have done what I did. But I knew better. I was sad because I wanted it to happen again. I wanted it to keep happening. I wanted to kiss her and tell her I love her.
I needed to kiss her and tell her I love her.
And that's why I was standing there in front of 22-A, staring at the doorknob, resisting the urge to vomit. What would she say to me? Would she be pleased? Disgusted? Dammit Marshall, don't do this! Her situation is crappy enough without you complicating things with feelings, said a voice in my head.
I decided to do the selfish thing and go through with it. Taking in a heavy breath, I slowly turned the knob, and the door creaked open. She was sitting on the windowsill, flipping through a copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Her hospital gown was haphazardly tossed over the side of the bed, and was wearing a baby blue tank top and blue gym shorts. Fionna looked up from her book, looking surprised to see me.
"Well-well, look who's finally out of bed."
"Marshall? You weren't here this morning. I figured you were off-work today or something."
"Nah. I just got roped into helping organize some files is all."
"That ass of a nurse Donny gave me my medicine since you weren't here. I swear, that guy is such a jerk I can see his jerkiness form a cloud around his massive head," she reported with a smirk.
I laughed. "Yeah, his douchebaggery just seeps out of his skin like a gas. We should call it Obnoxygen or something." This made the both of us crack up.
There was a good thirty-second awkward silence that followed.
"So, uh, are you just here for the ol' checkup routine or whatever?" She pointed her thumb at the IV bags.
"Actually, uhm, no," I began as I took a seat beside her. "Donny told me he already checked on all that stuff. I'm really here because there's something I wanted to talk about." I wondered if she could hear my heart pounding.
"It's about the kiss, isn't it?" She replied. She kept a stoney poker face, but her eyes gave away her concern.
"How-how'd you-?" I stammered. She knew me better than I thought, apparently.
"I've been waiting for you to bring it up," she said, cutting me off. "I knew you would eventually." She cast her eyes down, looking at nothing. "Hell, it took you long enough. I've actually wanted you to say something ever since it happened. Thing is," she chuckled, but still didn't look up. "Thing is, I was afraid to bring it up."
"You were afraid of how I'd react," I said, laying my hand on hers. "You weren't sure what I wanted." I held her hand tighter, and a soft smile began to form on Fionna's lips. To my dismay, it disappeared quickly.
"Well...yeah, but that's not all. I'm afraid that if we… you know… get attached and all… what if it just piles on to the chaos? I mean, you're already breaking your back for me, and Glob knows that I'm just an absolute train wreck. I know you mean well, Marshall. And I really care about you. But do we really want to put ourselves through this?" She kept her head down, but I could still see the moisture building in her eyes.
"Fionna, listen to me," I asserted. "I'm willing to put myself through hell for you. You're worth that to me. And you know what, you might be my patient. But dammit, I don't care if this is wrong! Nobody ever accused me of being some good little boy."
Fionna smirked slightly, but still refused to look up. I lifted her chin up with an index finger, having her look me in the eyes. "Fionna Mertens, you drive me insane. And I am ridiculously in love with you."
For the first time, I saw Fionna smile. Not a smirk; a grin, a big, goofy, beautiful grin, which unfortunately for me was very contagious. Without warning, she threw herself from her seat, wrapping her arms around my neck and pressing her lips against mine. I responded by running my hand through her hair, and eventually we found our way to the hospital bed. Our movements became more heated, more passionate, until I eventually felt Fionna's hand under my shirt, caressing my chest. I parted our lips, much to her confusion.
"Your atrophy," I blurted.
"What?"
"I'm afraid that if we do this, I might hurt you."
Fionna chuckled. "Don't worry, I have faith that you can restrain yourself. Besides," she said with a smirk, leaning in again, "you said yourself you were a bad little boy, remember?"
The rest of that evening was a blur. Let's just say there was some heavy petting and leave it at that.
In the middle of the night, I awoke with Fionna still sleeping peacefully beside me, breathing slowly and softly. As was laying there next to her, I began to think. Maybe it was wrong to fall in love with Fionna. But maybe, just maybe, this was my chance to save her. She meant it when she said she had very few people in her life who were truly with her all the way, save for her sister who rarely has the opportunity to visit. But if I'm here with her, maybe I can help her fight this thing. They say love is the greatest weapon there is, after all.
But what if that's not enough?
I looked over at my sleeping companion again. If only I could take away all of her illness and place it on myself. I meant it when I said I'd put myself through hell for her. There's no cross I wouldn't bear if it meant that she would be okay. In that moment, I decided that I would either find a way to ensure that Fionna and I would be healthy and happy together, or I would waste away in this bed right along with her.
We were in this together now.
No matter what.
This story was inspired by the song "Atrophy" from the album "Hospice" by The Antlers. All due credit goes to them.
Okay, Lemon averted by mere inches. That's just not what this is for.
Anyway, I'm also working on the story "Stalker," which was given to me by Purple Ice Queen. Check that out to. I mean, if you want to. I'm not gonna tell you what to do.
