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Chapter 3
Embrace of Loneliness
Four days had passed since the night Toris found himself back in the former Soviet household.
Progress was slow in every aspect except the cleaning, which Liet had taken on with vigor. Having nothing else to do, he decided to continue improving the state of the home and hopefully lift the spirits of the disheartened Russian. Every moment he had to speak with Ivan, the large nation only locked up further in his troubled mind the more the Lithuanian pried. It did not take Toris long to catch on- any mentioning of his American partner, and Russia would disappear to another part of the home where vodka was undoubtedly stored.
Lithuania knew something had happened between them, but the details were still unclear. All informational broadcasts airing before he had arrived spoke as though life in the American-Russian Alliance was continuing as usual. It did not help that everyone in the Russian sector was kept in the dark about most of the world, only getting brief transmissions from Russia himself, sometimes with America by his side. But no one was aware of what words were truths, and what was an elaborate lie.
Even being the Consul of Lithuania gave Toris minimal advantage over knowledge of foreign affairs. His insistence on being left alone with his people had led to that. Regardless, that was now how the remainder of them lived. It was the deal struck after the war, for Russia's personal districts. They would be left alone as long as they did not cause any trouble, followed the set regulations…complied to all new technological implements that were necessary…
Toris startled as his fist bumped the porcelain vase on the table, and expertly he caught it before the fragile object could shatter upon the hard surface. For moments he stared hard at the table, taking a deep breath as his hand lingered, clasping the ceramic artifact. He recognized that, unbeknownst he had been rubbing the same spot over and over again, in exacerbation.
Cleaning was the best way Lithuania knew to distract his own mind, and yet even that was proving ineffective.
Carefully he placed the vase back in the center of the table, frowning at how vacant and hollow the container looked without the usual sunflowers inside.
. . .
"Display Identification," the robotic voice commanded, its shining red eye and blue eye staring straight down at the small being before it. On Lithuania's right stood another robotic humanoid of the same build as the first, its optics also locked on every move the brunet made as he waited in the entrance way to the great city. They stood a few heads taller than Toris and about three times as broad, with white plating covering their intricate circuits and machinery. To say they were frightening was an understatement- it was not that they were horrifying in appearance, but their presence spoke of overbearing fear.
Toris carefully raised his left arm, tensing as the heads followed his every movement.
Getting accustomed to the ASH was a stipulation proved impossible. The white giants had been about since the last war, yet still the Lithuanian found himself shrinking in their presence. Artificial Super Human they had been designated, created to replace the necessity for humans in dangerous and imperative situations. They were large enough to lift even someone with Ivan's build up in their intricate arms, and strong enough to warrant guns, tanks and other weapons obsolete.
They were the ultimate tool to 'keep the peace.'
Everywhere ASH were stationed- regularly patrolling the streets, guarding entrance ways... once even, Toris recalled with a flash of unease, he insisted he saw one outside his window in Vilnius.
Staring right at him.
Yet a double take revealed nothing but his vacant yard.
The ASH unit locked on to the raised arm of Lithuania, its blue right eye glowing. The band around the brunet's arm shined a bright blue in return, giving off and audible beep before both objects dulled once again. "Identity confirmed, Toris Laurinaitis may proceed," the robot before him spoke, stepping aside with a whirl of smooth mechanics.
Taking no time to comply, Toris hurried past, keeping his gaze lowered as he passed into what could only be described as a utopia- at least visibly. It was, unlike much of the rest of Russia's division outside of the original country, not partially falling to ruin due to consequence of the war. His own greatest city paled in comparison to Moscow, the centerpiece for innovation on Russia's half of the globe. But the Lithuanian had no time for the flashing lights and sounds, the moving platforms and the white pods that floated past at great speeds.
He wanted to get out as soon as possible.
It was suffocating. Everywhere the feeling of being observed lingered, worse than other places Toris usually occupied.
He had needed to get out of the house, and yet… this place offered no respite.
But the trip was necessary, and the travel to checkpoints outside the city fast for non-humans like himself, thanks to the transport doors typically used for the ASH and supplies. The past Soviet home was out of groceries, but that was not the entire reasoning… he could get the food transported there, easily enough. More importantly… he needed someone to talk to. For an unknown reason, he could not get a call out from Russia's house, despite the fact that the signals should reach every part of the globe. Toris suspected Ivan had some reason to not want anyone to contact him, which was only more disconcerting to the concerned nation.
Lithuania sighed heavily, folding his arms together. The air was not cold thanks to the artificial temperature control, and yet all he could feel was an absence of warmth while he glanced around, observing the people. A couple sat together at a table, smiling toward each other. To the right two children played, running ahead of their mother who jogged to keep up. Alone a young man walked past in the opposite direction, lost in the computer of his arm band. A large screen he passed played a calming song, the beat enhanced by flashing lights that expanded around the nearby buildings. The lyrics spoke of a united world. Toris bit his lip, trying to ignore the words that conditioned minds and planted false realities.
Finding an area amongst the bustling city where he could sit down and rest in relative peace seemed impossible, but eventually he spotted a heated bench where he could be left generally alone, so long as he did not draw attention to himself. Occasionally someone would walk or ride by, but Toris presumed no one would recognize an ordinary in appearance brunette, dressed in plain winter clothing- a light blue coat, a knitted white scarf- nothing that would stand out, or could possibly alert the people that a Nation Representative was among them. It would be attention he did not need.
After getting comfortable and relaxing in the gentle heat, Lithuania pulled up the left sleeve of his jacket, dialing in the numbers for his most trusted friend on the screen that rose from his arm band, before pushing the screen to hover above his lap so he could relax his arms. It took only one ring before the number pad was replaced by the frantic face of his blond haired friend, whose proximity to the screen offered Toris a nice momentary view up the other's nose.
"LIET! Where have you been-!? I've been calling you for ages!"
"I know I- I'm sorry Pol, there has been a lot going on, I did not realize that I could not be contacted-"
"Where the hell are you? Is what Latvia told me the truth- it is, isn't it?" Poland narrowed his eyes, studying Toris. "You're at his place, aren't you? I can tell, you know."
"Pol-" Lithuania tried to interrupt.
"I thought you were gone, that you had vanished like so of the others- I'm sure that big Ruski has something to do with it all."
"I have not even been gone that long-"
"When I tried to reach you, I got nothing, just white noise."
Toris felt his face fall, having made Poland concerned needlessly. "I am alright… sorry for worrying you."
"It's totally not all right, what are you doing with Russia?"
"I… I just needed to…" Lithuania looked around nervously, was anyone listening to their conversation? "… do something."
"You said you were done playing those games," the blond said with a seriousness seldom witnessed.
Toris bit his lip. "Things have changed… I thought… I just, had this feeling that…"
"Do you even hear yourself right now?" Poland scoffed. "You need to go home. There is not a damn thing any of us can do anymore except hold on for as long as we can… And you go running back to the cause of it all." The Polish man crossed his arms and looked away.
"Feliks… I did not go running back. I was tired of doing nothing! And… look, I called you because I needed someone else to talk to…. Needed… advice." Poland was not on the top of his list of people to seek for guidance, but he was one of the few Liet knew he could trust. For all the bond's yelling and hash words, Toris knew the other was only worried.
Poland relaxed a little, turning back to stare at Liet's green eyes with his own lighter shade. His eyes… they were duller than usual, Toris observed worriedly. Feliks subsequently had a similar thought, frowning at the sunken edges lining Lithuania's face. They both were tired and worse for wear, and easily recognized this in their friend.
"I just… do not know what to do…" Toris began, knowing he had Poland's attention. "He won't… talk to me. I just know there is something awful going on…"
"Well duh. Where have you been?"
"It's not like Russia is a terrible person…. At least- He never… he just wanted… I have to find out if… how do I get him to speak with me..?" Toris spoke under his breath, staring out past the luminescent screen.
"Liet!" Poland interjected, looking absolutely done with his friend. "Why are you asking me? Isn't that your specialty?"
"…What?" Lithuania focused back on Poland, creasing his brow.
"You're the only one he opens up to anyways." Feliks stated matter-of-fact, waving his hand. "He only glares at me."
"But how do I get him to speak now… what makes you talk to-"
"Just be there. It has nothing to do with me. It's you." The Polish man pointed directly at Lithuania through his screen, a smile escaping the corner of his lips. "I just keep talking and you always listen, no matter what. It's what I love about you."
The brunet's eyes widened marginally, his mouth parting enough to let in a small intake of air.
"Haha, you should see how speechless you are right now, Liet!" Poland laughed, giving the other a grin. "I do mean it though. You don't give yourself enough credit."
Toris nodded, "I guess…" he trailed off, smiling faintly at Poland.
"I still want you to go home." Feliks added seriously, "You should worry about yourself more."
Toris frowned. How could he worry about himself, when he wasn't even sure what he wished for… what he wanted? "I can't." Not now Pol, not until I figure this out.
Poland rolled his eyes. "You can do whatever you want, Liet…" he trailed off suddenly, his face falling. Toris mirrored his expression.
Not quite whatever.
"…Maybe…" Toris added after a moment of silence between them. "..Maybe if I get a hold of Alfred… have you heard anything about America?"
"No!" The abruptness of his answer startled Lithuania. Before he could ask further, Poland cut him off. "Anyways I got to go…! Meeting up with someone."
"Wait, what? Who are-"
"… Liet, just… be careful. Stay away from both of them. Please."
The screen went black, and returned to the default call screen with numbers. Toris sighed, swiping the screen away back into his armband, slumping down against the bench as he stared dully up at the sky.
Gray.
That was all he could see, the clouds blending with the translucent shield dome up above to create a dim sky. Occasionally a pod flew past, adding a blimp of light to the dull colors. All around him were colorful lights and pleasant sounds… but yet the dome felt like a giant cage surrounding the city.
He was thankful he did not live here, where the shield protected them from more than the weather, but from everything on the outside.
At least in his home, one could pretend there was still an air of freedom.
Well, there was no use worrying over it right now, he reasoned, getting up and stretching his muscles. There was nothing to do now but buy food and return to the old house.
. . .
Dancing in the light that streamed in from the worn window, the dust from years past danced through the air, refusing to settle like Russia's distressed mind.
Toris…
Would he come back?
Or had he lost him again, just like always?
Had the past few days even happened?
"Ivan…" the Lithuanian said timidly, entering his office after knocking, his green eyes studying the larger Nation carefully. "I n-need…" the brunet bit his lip, looking nervous. Was Toris that afraid of him?
"…to go out for a little while."
Russia tensed.
"I- I'll be back, by tonight..!" Toris added quickly, his hands fretfully reaching up to undue his tied back hair, letting his brown waves fall back down to his shoulders. "You are out of food."
Lithuania was wearing an apron. Was he still cleaning? Ivan frowned. That was no good. "You know I can have food here in instant."
"Y-yes but… I just want to get the food myself, and I need to get out for a little bit. And my arm band… some of it does not... w-work properly here… for some reason, so I…"
Ivan wanted to reach out to stop him, to beg Lithuania not to leave him alone. But instead he stared as Lithuania closed the door softly behind him, and listened in dismay until he could no longer hear the Baltic's careful footsteps across the creaking floorboards.
He could already feel the embrace of loneliness, reaching its cold arms around him from behind.
Russia took a swing of vodka from the half empty bottle. That had been three hours ago. He should have asked where Toris was going, but he was anxious of the answer- afraid Liet would never return again. Ivan's violet eyes locked on the floating dust until the particles blurred together, his eyes unwilling to focus.
"This is it." Toris was glaring, eyes hard and unforgiving. Ashes swirled in the air around him. "Is this what you wanted?" All background noise melted behind the harsh voice of the brunet.
"This is what happens when you do not comply. If everyone had let us do this, everyone would be more happy. Now we have to live like this, because you would not listen."
"Goodbye Ivan." The statement was cold, absolute. Russia felt the pierce of the sword through his heart, the metaphorical blade sharpened by all his past mistakes, as Lithuania turned his back on him, for what could be the very last time. The small nation never looked back- Russia's pleas were lost to the wind, his arms reaching but only grasping tainted air.
Finally his arms found another, and he was wrapped in a strong embrace that held him close.
"Why does he not understand? I did all this for you… for him… for everyone."
The arms that held him were warm, comforting… Ivan clung to the form desperately.
"We will make them understand," the familiar voice connected to the embrace assured Russia. A strong voice he once loved to hate, and now hated to love.
The room came back into view. The false feeling of warmth was gone, replaced with the cold familiarly of being alone.
"At least I can count on you to keep me warm," Russia uttered to the bottle in his hand, letting the burning liquid slide down his throat.
Lithuania was grinning, his eyes forests teeming with life. He chuckled, and it was as though the flowers bloomed around him, filling the air with his kind glow. As soon as Russia became accustomed to the sensations, the smile broadening on his face, it all darkened around him, the feelings withering, losing all color. Toris's eyes dulled and sunk in to his face as though life drained dry from his body. But he still smiled, and it pained Ivan to see him so, still able to put on a kind face.
Eventually, his smile faded away…
Noise.
… A bell? His body responded automatically in his inebriated state, rising and sauntering toward the door- hitting a side table on the way and only grunting in response- opening it without even considering what may be on the other side.
There was the face. Toris. Always haunting him.
Always…
Ivan focused on the eyes… still dull, but… emotion… more than he could ever conjure up on his own.
Toris was… actually there.
Of course he is there, why would he not be?
Why would he?
Maybe it had all been a dream, Russia pondered, staring blankly ahead. Why would Toris come see him? Why now? It would not be the first time his mind had made up a false reality.
Was he really slipping that far again?
His hand twitched around the glass bottle, suddenly reminded of the sensation of holding Toris four days ago…
The warmth he felt through his fingers that held him carefully, firmly. Seeping through to his chest as he cradled the frail Lithuanian close in his arms.
That first night Ivan had been frightened to get too close, afraid further contact with the Lithuanian might break the illusion he feared he had created. The brief reunion had awakened past and present reservations he had been regrettably trying to drink away, resulting in his estrangement from Toris in attempt to wade through his misgivings.
Above all, he was frightened Toris felt nothing but hatred toward him.
Through his thoughts, Russia diligently listened to the sounds in the house that night as he hid in his office, content at least that Lithuania was still there and had not yet fled.
As he inevitably would.
Eventually he had ceased hearing anything at all. Fear gripped at Russia, and the large nation finally sauntered down the creaky stairs, seeking out the Lithuanian with held breath.
When Toris was found, Ivan sighed, relief coursing through his veins. He's still here. He is safe. The Lithuanian had fallen asleep on the couch, curled up almost defensively toward the inside of the cushions, his arms folded close to his body, his legs sprawled out at two different angles. No longer distracted by anxiousness, Russia became aware of the appearance of the room, realizing Toris had likely worked himself to exhaustion- a state which Russia had seen him in more than he cared to admit.
Lithuania groaned, and Russia's attention was diverted back on the sleeping brunet, whose hair fanned all around his head, a few strands even falling in front of his face, rhythmically moving to match the Lithuanian's deep breaths. Ivan reached out to move the offending hair, but paused halfway, changing his course to instead crouch down, gently sliding his arms under Lithuania's back and thighs.
This was no place for Toris to lay.
He did not dare breathe as he carried the worn nation, least he disturb the angel that lay cradled in his arms.
It had not been a tranquil sleep.
Even after Russia laid the turbulent nation down in the nearest bed and carefully tucked him in, he could not bring himself to leave his side.
The pain on Lithuania's face was clear, even now.
He remembered seeing that expression many times in the past, scenes flashing before his mind of Toris, face contorted in worry, pain, fear…
In hatred…
No matter what I do, I always make it worse…
…When did this become empty? Russia groggily stared at the bottle, eyes burning as he attempted to focus on the glass, perhaps hoping if he looked hard enough, he would spot some vodka he had missed. When none was found, he sat the bottle aside clumsily, only succeeding in knocking the empty glass on its side where it rolled precariously to the edge. Russia disregarded it, more interested in reaching under the desk for a fresh bottle. The sudden movement of the large Nation knocked the desk, sending the bottle off the brink, shattering deafeningly across the floor in the otherwise silent room.
He threw the bottle, watching the smaller Nation flinch in fear as it shattered beside him, showering the wall with leftover vodka and the floor with broken glass. The nation shook and stared at him with wide eyes as the liquid seeped down the wall and across the floor. Russia grinned eerily, gleefully, yet inside he felt only emptiness.
Russia shook his head, moaning. More vodka. He quickly upturned the new bottle he obtained, and soon found himself slumped, head against the desk, staring blankly toward the window.
"Toris… are you sure?" Russia asked nervously, staring out the window as he adjusted the collar of his suit. "If I tell him… you really think…" the large Nation trailed off, unable to say what was weighing heavily on his mind.
"Ivan… just speak from your heart, tell him how you really feel," the Lithuanian said confidently, smile evident in his voice. "If you do not take the chance… you could regret it the rest of your life."
"But how could Alfred care about me… how could anyone… "
"Ivan…" Lithuania grabbed his sleeve, gently turning the large Nation around to face him. "No matter what happens I… your sisters, and many other people…" Toris placed his hand gently over Russia's heart, feeling the strong tempo even through the thick dress suit, "…we all care about you."
"You did all that for me, Toris… and I ruined it. What did I do wrong? Why does my heart feel this way? ….What did I do… to Alfred?" Russia moaned, leaning back in his chair with his face upturned, tears escaping out of the corners of his closed eyes as a smile ghosted the edge of his lips.
"There are two monsters in this world now."
. . .
Toris quivered as he leaned against the door, listening with a pounding heartbeat to the distress on the other side.
Only a few vague words could be picked up- mumblings about Alfred, apologies, but mostly muffled sobs and the sounds of sorrow drifted through the aging wood and into Lithuania's attuned ear.
It was fear gained from past experiences that held him heavily in place, preventing him from rushing in and consoling the larger Nation. He had come upstairs to let Russia know he had returned, to ask Ivan if he would care to join him for dinner. From instinct he had stopped and listened against the door, hoping Russia would reveal more which he had been refusing to speak of, but from his location, Liet could hardly distinguish the words as they were.
All that became clear was the height of Lithuania's fears- he could tell without seeing the excessive vodka bottles, the empty unfocusing eyes… without witnessing the wobbly predatory gait or feeling the unexplainable drop in the temperature of the room… from just his ramblings alone, Toris knew…
The damage Russia's mind could do when left alone…
This is not the Soviet Union, Lithuania assured himself, taking a deep breath and grasping the shirt over his chest in an effort to calm his racing heart. The movement caused his eye to catch the metal band on his left arm, and the realization of his situation brought a sharp twinge of anxiety in his stomach.
He shook his head. There was no time for his worries, his hesitation. Before he could contemplate anymore, Toris gripped the handle with nervous force, pushing the door open slowly.
All sounds ceased but the creaking hinge.
"Ivan..? I am… back," Lithuania spoke gently as he stood just shy of the door, closing it warily behind him, careful not to take his eyes off the motionless Nation.
Gradually Russia sat up, his whole body straightening like an animal suddenly alarmed. His brows creased as he stared toward the Lithuanian in the dimly lit room, his reddened eyes squinting with the effort.
"Would you like s-some dinner…? I got-"
Russia slammed his fist on the desk. Toris jumped, letting out a startled cry.
"Back…. Back-!?" Russia growled, glaring at the wide-eyed Nation. "Heheheh… I am not falling for these tricks again! He will never come back, I scared him away for good… a long time ago!"
"Ivan…" Toris cursed his involuntary trembling, holding his hands together to steady them as he took a step toward the inebriated Nation. "Ivan I am-"
"And what he gave me… what we worked for… I lost that too! I left…. I left…. I ruined everything…."
Despite his pounding heart and unsteady knees, Toris continued forward and around the desk, determined to reach the Russian who continued on as though Lithuania was not even there.
"I was not strong enough-"
"Ivan-!" Toris spoke urgently, cupping the sides of the large Nation's face as he stared unwavering into the dull violet eyes. "Ivan look at me."
Startled, the eyes widened, searching frantically the image in front of him, seeking any sign of falsity.
"I am here, " Toris said gently, pressing his forehead against the Russian's, his brown hair falling to meet ash blond. "I am here, Ivan."
"….Toris," Ivan finally whispered, closing his eyes tight, the last of his tears escaping and sliding down his face. "It was not supposed to happen this way…"
The Lithuanian placed his hands on Ivan's shoulders and pulled his own head away slowly, his eyes urging Russia to continue as he met his gaze.
"Together… he said, with his eyes sparking, giving me his determined, puppy eyes- if we do it together… we could change the world… his dream, I wanted his dream to come true… to protect that. He said- our hearts are strong enough, if we do this together." Russia paused his mumblings, reaching for the vodka on the desk, but Toris put his hand over Ivan's, holding his gaze, his pulse pounding as he listened to the Nation's feelings. "-But then…" Ivan's voice cracked, " he wanted to take it all on, shoulder it all so I wouldn't have to.. because I could not handle it. Because he knew… he knew how the power changes people… knew what I had been through… he thought he was protecting me… and now…"
"Now…?" Lithuania looked urgently at the Nation, hoping he would continue to speak, but the other looked down dejectedly, life leaving his eyes once again.
"He won't give it back… It hurts!" Russia looked up wide-eyed, gripping the front of his shirt tightly in his clinched fist. Startled, Liet stepped back, but the large Nation caught his arm and pulled him close, embracing him tightly in his lap.
Lithuania shivered. It was too much, he was scared, he had always been scared, for himself and his people. For Russia. This was too much. What was he doing here? Here in Ivan's arms… after he had promised himself… after all he had done…
He could still feel Ivan's pain.
And it hurt just as much as his own.
. . .
The morning was quiet, yet serenity had fallen over the room as the two Nations sat across from each other, a simple breakfast laid out on the table composed of rye bread and cheese. Tentatively Toris took a sip of his tea, glancing up warily to meet the eyes he felt gazing in his general direction.
Russia smiled. The large Nation had hardly touched his food, but seemed cheerier now, more at ease around the Lithuanian. Since that night, he had spent less time holed up alone- instead hovering near anyplace the brunet chose to be, while still keeping a considerable distance. Toris was glad that Ivan was returning to his old self, even if only little by little- and even if accompanied by the unnerving feeling of constantly being watched. It was not an unfamiliar sensation by far, so Toris brushed the tingling feeling aside and continued to initiate conversation with Ivan as much as he could. More often than not the talking was only casual and simple, but any progress brought Liet one step closer to finding out what Russia had actually been doing all this time… all the time that Lithuania had thought he was done with Ivan, once and for all.
A ring echoed throughout the kitchen, the sound of bells bouncing off the walls in resonating tones that rang clearly in their ears. The two nations froze, eyes locked, as the doorbell finished playing its song around them.
Panic flashed in Ivan's eyes.
"I-Ivan, who-"
"Go upstairs," Ivan said firmly, eyes hardening but still betraying his alarm.
Fear clinched Lithuania's insides. Did Russia know who was at the door? Who could cause such a reaction in him?
"Go! Now!" Russia rose harshly from his seat and headed around toward Lithuania, ushering the smaller Nation up and toward the stairs. After a moment of consideration Ivan grabbed Liet's plate and mug, hastily shoving them in the sink. "Do not let him know you are here!"
The bell rang out again.
Toris hesitated at the first step, but an urgent glare sent his direction compelled his feet to continue up. By the time he reached the top and glanced back, Ivan had already begun heading toward the front door, which was just within view of the staircase. Toris had intended to continue further down the unlit hallway to hide in another room, but Russia's voice stopped him in his tracks, freezing him mid stride.
"Fredka…"
Lithuania sucked in a breath, quickly flattening himself again the wall, attuning his ear so as to not miss a word.
"Hey there big guy, it's been too long."
Ummm, whoops! That took a while! I'm so sorry, this chapter was just the hardest to write, because I was still setting things up, so finding motivation and actually being happy with what I wrote did not come easy.
But I have not stopped writing!
Please, if you read it and are interested in it, even if just a little, please let me know! Writing becomes much more enjoyable if you are aware there is at least someone out there waiting to read and enjoying what you write.
