A/N: Wow...9 months without an update. 9? I knew it had been awhile but I hadn't guessed that long. Time flies doesn't it? Take this update as me giving birth (again) to DP, this bun has been in the oven for far too long and now it's here (anyone else find that analogy weird?) I am truly very sorry for the lack of updates and/or communication from me. One thing led to another and I kept pushing back what I wrote because it didn't make sense or I didn't like it...basically I was unable to concentrate which is always a problem for me when it comes down to write. I blame the brain BUT I'm back and I hope this slightly long-ish update makes up for it just a weeeeeee bit.
Disclaimer: All mistake are absolutely mine.
Chapter 4-Morning Sun
All the things we want to say, and all the things we want to do
Never really go to plan, and maybe it is not meant to
During the course of a day when you are alone with your thoughts, you possess the ability to look back and reflect on things. You think about missed opportunities, ways to improve certain aspects of your life or you kick yourself for allowing certain things to have happened in the first place. Truth is, nothing ever makes sense when shitty things happen. You live your life day by day, carefully structured like a well tuned machine stuck in a repetitive circle of monotony and then out of nowhere, that cycle is broken and you have no idea what to do about it. But if there is one thing I have learned and committed to memory it's that regardless of how dull or thrilling life may be to some, it has the ability to shake up what you know. One moment you have these beliefs and ideas of who you are as a person, where you stand in life and then suddenly you're lost. Or feeling as if you're at the top of the world, no worries on your mind and then you're slammed with problems you never imagined yourself facing. My mum told me once: "shit happens. You can either flush the toilet or let it sit there and stink up the whole house." I didn't understand what the hell she was referring to a year ago but I do now. She always uses the most bizarre expressions to make a point but they make sense eventually. I allowed my "emotional" toilet to overflow and instead of finding a way to stop it, I let it wreak havoc, leaving marks and the stench of defeat. It is a disgusting metaphor but it stuck with me.
The worst part about it all was that even once the mess was cleaned up and done with, I still remember everything. The surface was clean but what seeped through the cracks was enough to leave a stain. It haunts my every day, it doesn't chip away at me like it used to, I grew past that. Of course I have my doubts about anything and everything but that's normal. No one is ever one hundred percent sure about anything...right? My mind is like a ping pong match, bouncing back and forth between action and thought. The brain is a multifunctional, chaotic place. For example, I researched a science column that stated that on average, human beings have about one hundred billion brain cells and that different neurons fire at different speeds, meaning each person's level of 'computing' or processing information was estimated that a neuron can fire at about two hundred times a second. The number of cells each neuron is connected to also varies, but as a rough estimate it was reasonable to say that each neuron connects to a thousand other neurons- so every time a neuron fires, about a thousand other neurons get information about that firing. If we multiply all this out we get twenty million billion calculations per second. Which accurately defends in my opinion the expression 'lost in thought'. Those pesky neurons that keep transmitting information incessantly while beneficial in many ways is also undeniably annoying. Having your mind in that constant state of alert, thoughts swirling inside your head with absolutely no logic or reason for it, is quite simply a mind fuck in the worst way. As hard as you can try to calm those neurons down. it never stops. It's like once the light is on there's no switching it off. Oh and it doesn't stop when we sleep either. If anything it escalates because of the body's need to defend itself. Every sound or movement is amplified while we slumber. Every thought that has plagued us throughout the course of the day or problems that have haunted us for years, disturb our need to rest. I still haven't figured out which is worse: having a brain that won't shut up or feeling demotivated. There is still that feeling of being overwhelmed except it differs. Instead of being overwhelmed by too much, the silence that comes with not wanting to do anything, even to benefit yourself is depressing. It's like you know what you have to do and struggle to do it or anything else. It's pathetic and frustrating and annoying to the person you know you are or at least the person you would like to be. Being lost in thought, worrying and stressing over every little detail won't help. It makes things worse, focusing on the "what ifs" and "buts" of life. Is anyone supposed to know everything? Is there ever really an answer to every question? Fuck if I know...I'm still trying to figure myself out. I'm still trying to feel somewhat "normal" because that's what living in your own world does to you. It makes you feel as if you don't belong. It's as if this world would be better without your existence.
Emily has been speaking from the time we left for our "walk", discussing what the first month would be like for me. A month full of adjustments, very strict routines and change. We did more stretches in front of the house, or rather she did more stretches while I did what I was supposed to as my morning ritual. That in itself was a workout. She was patient though. She took her time explaining how to bend without adding any unnecessary strain and made me repeat them before the warm up, ensuring that I felt loose and comfortable. It was difficult for me to move completely at ease as her eyes never left my form. It was nerve wracking to say the least. After our stretches were complete, she eased me in slowly for the first ten minutes with squats, making sure to keep my hands outstretched in front of my body as I bent my knees, my thighs immediately protesting against the effort, not to mention the small dumbbell she added during the squats. I remembered to keep my breathing steady, exhaling as I went down and inhaling as I stood up slowly (after being told once before I was rushing the exercise.) I focused on nothing in particular but stared ahead at the land before me; rolling hills and pastures as far as the eye could see, a gray sky contrasting against the dark and light greens of nature. It was soothing, an instant calming effect to my worries and a relief to the endless thoughts coursing through my mind. It felt like I was one, like I was apart of the world around me. Obviously I was standing in the midst of it all but it felt like I was connected. As though the stillness surrounding me shared some of its' peace with me.
'That's it Naomi..17...18...19...20.'
I rose slowly, exhaling and grabbed the back of one of my thighs, biting my lip.
'Are you okay?' Emily asked worried, her hand on my shoulder in what I'm sure was supposed to be a comforting gesture but it wasn't to me
. 'Um...' I started to say, my eyes fixed on her hand. I wasn't used to physical contact not even with the "friends" I had in college. I wasn't really raised in a family that demonstrated affection by physical contact. I wasn't used to it. Maybe because it's such an intimate gesture, even the simplest touch.
'Sorry' she said when she noticed my eyes hadn't moved from her hand.
'Bad habit.
' I nod my head accepting her apology. She cleared her throat and walked towards a stone wall where she placed our belongings. She grabbed the bag , handing me a bottle of water in the process and I drank from it gratefully before I could even put down the dumbbell I wanted to get rid of. It's not like it was very heavy but forced to go up and down fifty times, the damn thing felt like it was getting heavier. I really shouldn't complain-six months worth of squats, jumping jacks, and cardio still awaited me. I drank half of the water before closing it again and placing it back in the bag.
"What now?" I asked.
Emily chuckled and looked at me with an amused look.
"What?" I asked self consciously.
"Are you always this demanding?" I looked at her confused. "What...me? How was I-?"
"Relax Naomi, it was a joke. I know our emphasis is physical well being but there's more we're going to engage in. Look," she said while moving around so she sat facing me, "now it's you getting to know me and vice versa. You're not going to be exercising around the clock. We have other activities planned but in this moment as your trainer we have to establish-"
"Is this rehearsed?"
"What?" Emily asked completely lost. Shit. Inwardly, I cringe, sometimes I can't believe myself. That was supposed to stay inside my head.
"Naomi?" Fuck, now she's expecting an answer. Bloody well done.
"Um," I start off timidly. "It's just during breakfast and now...it sounds like something you've rehearsed." Well done Naomi, insulting your trainer on your first day. Might as well turn around and pack your bags.
"I do sound a bit stuffy don't I?" she said with a smirk.
I laughed nervously, a bit yeah."
Emily shook her head and looked at me. "Okay. Let me try that again."
I nodded, thankful that she had a sense of humor.
"I'm Emily Fitch. I'm twenty one, I work for Get Fitched! And I could eat pasta every day for the rest of my life. Better?"
"Pasta?" I asked in disbelief. "Aren't the carbs bad for you or something?" I teased.
She rolled her eyes but chuckled nonetheless. "There are healthier options for pasta nowadays that are just as good, egg free so it's low in cholesterol, wheat and high in fiber which helps promote a healthy digestive system-"
"Okay-okay...pasta." Jesus, it was like talking to an encyclopedia.
"What about you Naomi?"
"What about me?" She raised her eyebrows at me. Oh...food, right. I had to really think about that one. It had been so long since I actually enjoyed a meal properly. Normally I shoved it into my mouth and continued eating. "A full English breakfast," I said after awhile. "Oh with tea."
Emily nodded her approval. "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you eat a balanced hearty meal, you'll fell fuller throughout the day and less likely to munch or over eat."
"Really?"
"Mmhmm. Now do you have any questions for me? We'll be spending a lot of time together and if for some reason you don't think we'd make a good fit then you have the option of joining Katie's-" I grimaced before I could control it. Emily merely laughed and assured me Katie was nowhere near as bad as I thought she was.
"You're only twenty one?"
"Yes," she nodded. "Why? Do I look older?" she joked.
"No, no," I sputtered. "You're beautiful I just-" Did I really just say that? What the fuck is wrong with me? Where did that even come from? Trainer, right. She's my trainer so I'm bound to look at her as an example. Like a model. Yeah, that's all that was.
"Naomi?"
Snap out of stupid. She's going to think there's something wrong with you.
"No you don't look older. I just didn't expect someone so young."
"Well now that I don't have to worry about looking like an old lady," she teased. "I'm young but I'm not by any means inexperienced. You could call this my my summer job. I go to uni in London and work here during the summers."
"How long have you worked here for as a trainer, like how many years has Get Fitched! Been in business?"
Emily shook her head. "Did you not read the brochure?"
I looked away feeling a bit dumb. I hadn't read the pamphlet extensively. I had a gist of how Fitch camp worked and who was in charge, apart from that, she hadn't cared about anything else. She needed help and Get Fitched seemed like the best option that didn't involve working out with twenty other people in the same room.
"I don't blame you, it reads stuffier than I spoke," she teased. "Get Fitched has been operating for five years now, I've worked for three of those years." I look at her curiously.
"Doesn't it get annoying?"
"What?"
"Going through the same thing every summer, meeting someone, working with them...what if that person fails? What if they give up because they're frustrated? What if despite their efforts they just fail, over and over again?"
I hadn't meant to say it out loud. I was talking about me, that was obvious, even Emily was studying me. But what if it wasn't enough? I've read stories about people who lose weight but gain it back again months after. Or what if it's in my genes? Mum was beautiful, Dad's family...well at least the relatives I'd met...might be safe to say genetics.
"Is that what you think will happen to you?" Her eyes were boring into me waiting for my reaction.
What do I do now? "What me? Pfft, course not, I asked a question to see your response would be. I have the right to know know how you would motivate me don't I?"
She kept staring for what seemed an eternity, almost like she was contemplating what to say. "Come with me," she said suddenly, grabbing the bag and walking further into the woods.
"Where are we going?"
"You'll see soon enough."
My shoes were caked with mud by the time Emily spoke again. She hadn't spoken a word since we left, she led the way and occasionally looked back to make sure I was still there. The oath was barely there, overgrown bushes and dead tree filling most of the walk. I knew I was stumbling but mostly because I was afraid something would pop out and bite me...and I wasn't sure Emily had a first aid kit in that bag of hers. She stopped suddenly and turned to look at me gesturing to her right. She reached through a wall of overgrown grass and shrubs, her wrist twisting something until there was a loud clicking sound.
"Is that a door?"
Smiling at me, she pressed her weight forward, a loud thud resonating through the air. For some reason I was worried.
"Is this legal?" I whispered, unaware of whether there were any other travelers along the road.
"It's Fitch property I promise. Now go first." "This isn't a booby trap or anything right? No killer bear on the other side of the door?" I joked. She rolled her eyes. "Right, because I would stand so close to said killer bear."
I turn to her shocked. "What about my safety?"
"Naomi, just go through the door. Nothing's going to attack you."
I step over the calf high bushes carefully, wary of disturbing any creepy crawler. Stepping tentatively and with hesitation, I lean a hand against the door as I step forward, tall trees looming above me on both sides of the dirt path. I can't help but move on even without Emily's approval. I wanted to see what was at the end of the path. The row of trees ended, as did the path. The air felt cooler for some reason, probably because it looked like it was going to rain.
"There's a bend up ahead, turn left and-"
I didn't wait for her to finish. I started walking faster, my curiosity getting the best of me. I could hear her walking behind me whatever reservations I had before about being careful were long gone. It was exciting to discover something new. All the fatigue and aches I felt were out of mind. Part of me wondered if only Emily knew about this place. There hadn't been anything on the outside that would make me think there was a door let alone an entire hidden section of the forest. I slow down as I get to the end, the turn Emily mentioned ahead to my left.
It was a small lake...in the middle of nowhere. There were trees surrounding the body of water, almost as if it were shielding it from view, protecting it. It was quiet here, peaceful. I could hear the sounds of birds chirping softly, everything was serene unlike anything I had experienced, including those mental exercises Dr. Wilson taught me. I don't know if it was the solitude or surprise of stumbling across the lake, but I loved it, everything about it.
"Nice isn't it?"
I couldn't look away. It was like seeing a painting for the first time at a museum, captivated and mesmerized by the strokes of the paint of canvas and the colors the artist used. Except there was no grand designer, no canvas, just nature; untouched and unscathed by the outside world. Maybe it was the exhaustion clouding my mind but there was something about this place. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but this feeling I have...I dunno, it just felt like a clean start.
"It's lovely, it's a lovely place." I look back at Emily unable to say anything else. She smiles at me pleased before walking towards the edge of the lake, sitting cross legged.
"It's better when you get you get closer," she said patting the space beside her.
I walk over slowly sitting down, not quite as gracefully as Emily did. We stay in silence for awhile, just staring at the lake before Emily speaks again.
"It doesn't hurt every now and then to step back a little bit, relax and go again."
I nod, unsure of where she's going with this.
"I'm here to help Naomi," she says, moving around to face me. "Let me help you."
I turn my head slightly looking at her. She's staring intensely at me, her eyes staring right at me. This conversation felt different, more personal. This wasn't just about exercise anymore. I didn't need another counselor. I certainly didn't need her pity if that's what she meant. I don't need anyone staring at me sadly or anything else for that matter. I came here to lose the fucking weight and move on with my life. I looked back towards the lake. If I could find my way here again, I would. Or maybe I could ask Emily to bring me here, ask her to turn it into part of our morning routine even.
"Could we come back here?"
She nodded slowly, "if you'd like to yes but Nai-"
"I would," I nod eagerly, steering the conversation in a different direction. "Maybe turn it into a jog or something?"
Emily nodded still staring at me. I felt bad for ignoring her comment from earlier. I know she was only trying to help but I didn't need a best friend. I don't want one anyways. She stood up, placing the bag straps around her shoulders and motioning for me to follow.
"We should get back. Lunch will be ready soon and then a conference." Her tone had taken a different tone. Serious.
"Conference?" I asked confused.
She broke into a smirk then. "You really should read those pamphlets I gave you." I shrugged and she chuckled
. "Alright, let's get those legs up and running."
"Running?" I half shrieked. I could barely jog let alone run.
"It's an expression Naoms. We'll take it easy, I promise. I'll be right by your side."
I felt her hand on my shoulder before I could see what she had done. I could feel her thumb rubbing back and forth on my shoulder, almost soothing me. I stayed in place, trying to get used to it, trying to avoid any further incidents like yesterday. She's just trying to reassure me. Nothing wrong with that. "Ready?" she asked her hand falling back to her side. I stared back at her silently, instantly missing the contact.
I wasn't ready for that.
"Why?"
I stare back at her blankly. This always happens when I open my mouth. The stupid questions that follow. Why this, why that...I just fucking told you what you wanted to hear. What more could I possibly have to say to you?
"What, are you going to psychoanalyze me with that bullshit 'Daddy issue' theory? It would be an insult to your intelligence."
She set her pad and pen to a side table. "I'm not into labels Naomi."
"So then?"
She leans back, her eyes staring straight at me. "I met a patient once, she was around your age. I was in my first year of university, volunteering at a Psych ward in London. She was quiet the first day I met her, extremely polite and docile, most importantly. It meant less work for her attending nurse and me, the nurse's assistant for that day. She took her medications when it was time, followed instructions and got along with some of the other patients. I went the following week however and she wasn't the same. She was violent, aggressive-a completely different person. It scared me seeing her like that. After the orderlies restrained and sedated her, I asked one of the nurses what had gone wrong."
Doctor Wilson stood, walking over to the couch where I sat. She sat next to me and for a moment I couldn't help but wonder why she moved so close. She turned to me, both hands resting on her lap.
"The nurses," she continued softly, "explained to me what had gone wrong. She saw her reflection in the mirror and lost it. I hadn't noticed until then, but there were no windows within reach of the patients. The windows ran high along those walls so the patients couldn't harm themselves with the glass or worse, other people." I turn and look at her confused. "What does that have to do with me?" She paused for a moment before continuing. "That girl was unable to look at herself in the mirror. She wasn't able to face reality, she couldn't deal with it and she was a prisoner because of it. You have to be able to confront your problems Naomi, head on. You won't get anywhere with sarcasm. You'll end up a prisoner of your own actions."
How's that for an update? No, seriously, the only way I'll know is if you hit the "Review" button...so if I were you, I wouldn't hesitate. Again, I am very sorry for not updating sooner. Thank you all for your messages and comments encouraging me to continue. I appreciate them more than words can express.
Oh and before I forget a special thank you to guapa, you push me to write and so far, it's working. Gracias :)
Until the next time peeps,
x Beck
x Beck
