Chapter 26: Comfort and Joy?
Author's Note: Not for the faint of heart. This is based on a couple emails
I received.
I don't know when it started. Potty training with Jack had suffered several
setbacks. Diapering him is usually a battle of some kind. Humiliating for
him and weird for me. However, since his birthday, Jack's made a determined
effort to potty train himself. Maybe it's the idea of having control over
some aspect of his life. It's just gotten a little weirder than usual.
It was early morning and I was sitting at the dining room table working on
Christmas cards. Jack doesn't get up as early as he used to and this seemed
like a good time to try to get it done undisturbed. It wasn't long before I
heard stumbling around upstairs indicating my 'son' was awake. This was
followed by the sound of the bathroom door. I smiled. He was definitely
determined.
I returned to what I was doing. I had finished a stack when I realized I
hadn't heard the toilet flush. Puzzled I went upstairs. The door to Jack's
bedroom was open. On the floor in the doorway was the stuffed turtle he had
gotten for his birthday. In the hall a few feet away were his slippers. In
front of the bathroom door was his pajama top. Confused I opened the door.
On the floor were his pajama bottoms. As for Jack... the training seat was
on the toilet and so was Jack. Stark naked. Skinny little legs dangling,
leaning back sound asleep with his mouth open and a copy of Bass Fishing
magazine on his chest. I guess comfort is the key.
I hate the mall. Especially this close to Christmas. But it was the only
place where they had the specific stores I needed for a last few gifts. And
due to circumstances, I had Jack with me. He had insisted. He wanted to buy
Jon a present and knew just what to get and it had to be here at the mall.
Unfortunately due to the crowd I wasn't able to get a stroller but I had
Jack on his leash and he didn't fight with me over it. He made sure he
stayed close. When those little legs would get tired I would pick him up and
we would find someplace to sit and relax a minute watching people go by.
A mistake by the way. Jack couldn't help himself. He suddenly launched into
chatter mode. Now that his front teeth have come in he's gotten rather
clearly vocal and any tact he might have had was long gone along with the
volume control.
"Oh looky Daddy," he began. "That lady looks like mother duck with a bunch
of ducklings behind her. Quack quack quack! It's too hot to be wearing a fur
coat in the mall isn't it daddy? She looks like a bear that was chewed on by
raccoons on steroids. Wow! Spandex. I thought they only used that color on
emergency tents. Wait, that is the tent. Ever notice how uncomfortable
husbands look when shopping with their wifes? That purse just doesn't go
with his shoes. Look at the boobs on that lady in the low cut shirt. Isn't
it a little cold for a tank top? Yep you can definitely tell she's cold. Has
she heard of a bra? Hey, dat guy walked into a post. He must have been
looking at that lady. Look at the blood... cool."
Okay, I admit it. I was seriously considering tying him to a post and
running away. Maybe somewhere calm and sensible. Like Iraq. Hard to believe
he could be the silent type when he wanted to. Obviously he doesn't want to
and thinks he can get away with anything short of murder.
"You know if Santa hears you, you can kiss anything on your Christmas list
goodbye," I said.
Jack pouted and looked annoyed. Not that he believed in Santa Claus, but
having been Santa Claus a few times in the past he decided setting a bad
example wasn't such a good idea.
Then the inevitable happened. Jack was definitely in two year old mode.
"Daddy! I gotta go potty! Now!"
Kill me now. I picked him up and made a beeline through the crowds to the
public restroom. What made me think this was going to be easy? Thus the next
monologue.
"I can't reach the urinal so I gotta use a stall and you better come in with
me. I don't want the lid to smack my penis. I'm gonna need that later. And
don't peek! I'll grow into it. Close your eyes. I mean it. Good thing I
ain't gotta poop. You'd have to hold me up. Of course, you might be thinking
of flushing me down the toilet, which wouldn't be nice by the way. Do you
gotta pee too? I don't think we can do it at the same time with me standing
on the toilet. No I'm not done yet. I can't go with someone watching. I know
you're peeking. I know it will grow but this is embarrassing with it so
small. I think I'm done now. I don't think I need diapers anymore. Do you
have to pee now? I know the sound of water makes some people have to pee. I
think I missed a couple times. You should have put the lid up. We gotta wash
our hands now. You're going to have hold me up so I can wash them. Can I
play with the air dryer? It's fun when I stand under it."
I sighed. Joy.
Fini
