A/N: The poll on my profile is still open and if you haven't voted yet, it's my pleasure to inform you that I won't be taking Uther off the list. That's right folks, show the dead king some love!

Disclaimer: *insert funny disclaimer here because Seedsiz can't think of one* I like trains?


"YOU!" Uther thundered.

Merlin didn't even bother looking up. "Me," he said simply.

The dead king immediately tried to put his blue hands around the boy's throat, only for them to pass right through him. "What kind of sorcery is this?" he demanded angrily.

"Did you really think I would summon you back into this world and not take away your ability to touch things? Oh, and before you try it, you no longer have super-speed or the ability to turn invisible."

"How dare you take away what's mine. Give me back my powers!"

"Do you want me to give you your magical powers back?" Merlin asked innocently.

Uther blanched. "No," he backtracked quickly, "I will never consort with filth like you. I will find a normal way to kill you, sorcerer." Making sure that his stance on magic was clear again, he continued. "Why have you summoned me?"

"Hmm? I was just having a look through the vaults when I found the potion of Sigan. It was lost many years ago and legends say that the one to drink it would get their magic doubled. It could even give the one to drink it magic if they they didn't have any beforehand." He burped loudly before frowning. "They didn't mention it would get you drunk though. That part was unexpected." He stretched out his legs, making himself comfortable on the floor. "After that I saw The Horn of Cathbadh so I thought It'd be nice to have a chat with you."

"Why hasn't Arthur executed you yet? You are a sorcerer!"

Merlin managed to stop himself from rolling his eyes. Barely. "Seems he's too stupid to realize it. You know, one time I pulled him away and muttered an incantation right in his ear, and he still didn't get it. Can you believe it?" And even after that Merlin had had to literally spell it out for Arthur that he had magic, but the dollophead hadn't believed him. Which might have something to do with Merlin's suspicions that Arthur couldn't actually read. Always knew the prat was illiterate. How he survived all those years before I came to Camelot is something I'll never understand...

"How dare you question the intelligence of a royal, you scum?"

Merlin lifted an eyebrow and grinned cheekily. "Being the queen has got to have some perks doesn't it?"

Uther turned a sickly silver color as he took in the fine clothes the boy was wearing and more specifically, the ring on his finger. "No," he whispered, "This can't be true. Arthur, he- he marri-" he chocked, not able to get the words out. All the rumors he had heard from the castle staff ran through his mind and he remembered the time when he had come across Geoffrey's secret collection of stories about Arthur and his manservant. The only reason he hadn't executed the librarian on the spot was because no one else in Camelot was literate enough to fill his role and Uther had also been busy repressing the memories of what he had read that day.

Merlin couldn't hold in the laughter any longer. "Even I didn't think Pendragons were this gullible. Have you ever seen the state of your son's socks? Who in their right mind would marry Arthur?" Merlin shook his head sadly. It had been a sad day when he had lost Guinevere. He had really thought she would have more sense than marrying the prat.

As blood flooded Uther's cheeks his color changed from silver to blue to purple. "Pendragon men are most desirable. We are sought after by every woman in the kingdom, no one can resist our charms!"

"Including trolls apparently," Merlin commented, effectively shutting up the king. "Such a great king you were, Uther. I remember the goblin incident as if it was yesterday." He swept his arm in a grand manner. "Men still tremble at your flatulence and your baldness struck fear into the heart of Gaius. And he has seen Arthur's dirty laundry."

Uther was scrabbling to come up with a response but there was nothing he could say. "Magic is evil…?" That seemed to be an appropriate response to most things and Uther realized he hadn't said it in ten minutes now. He sighed in relief. Balance was once again restored to nature.

Merlin on the other hand was growing bored of Uther and lifted the horn to his lips. Before he blew it, he added with a smirk even Morgana would be jealous of, "Just so you know, I totally drew a moustache on your sarcophagus."

As Uther faded away, a faint sobbing could be heard before that too disappeared.


A/N: Totally off topic but the guy that said 'The half is better than the whole' has obviously never been gifted half a cake. I'm offended on so many levels I don't even know what to say.
Oh, and please leave a review because I love reading what you guys think :)