Chapter the fourth, or "according to our illustrious Queen-consort I must revise my vocabulary"


So anyone that's been following my exploits will have noticed by now that I have a… er… 'colorful' vocabulary.

Okay, I swear a lot. Like, a lotta-lot.

I can't help it. Before ending up in Ylisse I lived in low socio-economic areas of Australia. Think rednecks, but we call them 'bogans'. I don't actually know why. But yes. My life was basically a script from the show Housos, and that's what I was associating with since my youth. Also, Australians swear a lot more than the Hemsworth brothers and Margot Robbie would have you all believe.

Anyway, I digress.

I swear a lot. This has often landed me in hot water. In fact I had various friends get told by their wives 'he's not allowed around our kids any more'.

So it came as little surprise to me that I eventually attracted the wrath of the highest authority in Ylisse, even higher than Chrom.

His wife.

I sat in Chrom's study, flanked at the shoulder by both Robin and Lucina. Except they both had a hand on my shoulders, holding me firmly in place. Lucina even had her other hand resting not-so-subtly on the pommel of her sword as I looked strickenly at the woman sitting across from me in Chrom's chair. The Exalt stood behind his wife, looking awkward like he wanted to be literally anywhere else.

"What the fuck do you mean I swear too much!? Are you serious right now!? You're the goddamn Queen! How the fuck do you not have any better shit to worry about!?"

Sumia simply steepled her fingers, quirking one perfect brow at me as I dug myself deeper and deeper into this hole.

What? I was angry.

"Ben, you are a General of Ylisse now," she explained calmly. "You are a retainer to the Exalt himself. You are an important man and need to set a good example."

"Fuck you and everyone that looks like you! I'm creating a fucking army from the ground up!" I shouted, rising to my feet. "You may not have anything better to do, but I-"

I was cut off when both of the women at my side forced me back into my chair, earning a nod from Sumia.

"Thank you, ladies," she said with a queenly smile.

"Now, Ben," she continued. "I know you're an intelligent man. I know you can be very eloquent when you want to be; I can see it in your writing. All I'm asking is for you to go one month without swearing. One single month to prove to me you can break the habit."

"And if I fail? Or revert back to the potty-mouth?" I asked, glaring daggers at the Queen.

"If you revert back then I shall accept defeat," Sumia sighed. "After all, I do, in fact, have better things to do, like you so eloquently said. However, if you do fail I shall be cutting your army's funding."

"You can't fucking do that!" I cried, leaping to my feet again.

Only to have Lucina and Robin both jam me back into my chair.

"I can't, no," Sumia explained. "But him? My husband agrees with me on this, don't you Chrom?"

"Er… yes, dear," Chrom mumbled, giving me an apologetic look.

"Traitor! Fuck you, man, what happened to bros before hoes!?" I snarled. "You're really going to let her shoot your military in the foot like this!? And you, Sumia! Stop talking like a fucking monarch! It's starting to irritate the shit out of me!"

"Ben, watch your language," Sumia said mildly. "And what of little Lucina? What would you do if she picked up your foul mouth? You're her godfather, you should be setting an example for her."

I heard Lucina snicker a little, glancing up to see her grinning and looking away from me.

Never mind the fact that she had, in fact, already begun to pick up my foul language.

"I will be having Robin and Marth watch you to ensure that you behave," Sumia went on. "They will report back to me immediately if you do cuss."

"I'm not an idiot, Sumia," I sighed frustratedly. "I can turn it off when I have to."

"So prove it," she insisted. "Go one month without cursing and I will bother you no more."

"Not good enough," I growled. "I go one month without cursing, I want a damned reward."

"Very well, I'll give you another maid," Chrom sighed.

"Fuck you I want cash!" I snapped. "And a bigger barracks! And Bertha!"

"Bertha?" Sumia parroted.

"Yeah, head kitchen maid, big red-haired lady. I want her."

"Far be it from us to question your preferences…" Robin snickered.

"I want her because she's good at her job, you fucking twat," I said with a glare.

"Seeing as I don't expect you to last the week, let alone a month, I'll accept these terms," Sumia sighed.

"Fuck yes you will," I growled. "Now let's set the terms. What do you consider a curse word?"

"About sixty percent of all your utterances?" Robin muttered from my side.

"Not helpful," I growled.

"You know what your curse words are," Sumia said plainly. "I will not repeat them."

"Okay, so let's say we do George Carlin's seven," I sighed.

"Who? What?" Chrom asked.

"He was an entertainer back in my homeland," I ground out. "Coined a bit about seven words you couldn't say on… er… stage. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Later he added fart, turd and twat. For good measure, and because I want to squeeze a lot of money out of you for this gargantuan pain in my ass, let's add ass, hell, damn, bastard and bitch to the list. Because when I win this little bull-shittery right here, I'm going to rub your fucking face in it."

Sumia blushed, blinking and in awe of my tirade.

"Did you get all that, Marth?" Robin asked with a snicker. "Quite the list. Should we write it down?"

"We hear them often enough I think we'll be fine," Lucina deadpanned.

"Alright, it's settled," I sighed, slumping in my chair. "Challenge starts once I exit the room. This month is going to fucking suck."

"I'm sure you'll survive," Sumia deadpanned.

I perked up, a wicked grin forming on my face. "Okay, but I'm going to need one last hurrah to get this out of my system. I can have that much at least, right?"

"What do you mean…" Sumia started to say, growing silent as I stood.

South Park the movie had been the fucking bane of my existence during high school thanks to that mother fucking 'Blame Canada' song. Now it was going to do me a little good. In a very evil sort of way.

"Marth, cover your ears," I said, my grin widening as my eyes took on the light of madness. "Damn shit respect my fucking authoritah! Dog shit taco! Fuck! Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-shit-hell-damn-fart! Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle! Fuck shit cock ass titties boner bitch muff pussy cunt butthole Barbara Streisand!"

The room grew silent, the only sounds my ragged breathing as my shoulders heaved and I grinned at the floor. Shit. That had almost been as good as sex. Sumia and Lucina both wore utterly astonished, offended faces. Robin looked like she was about to burst into laughter at any second, chewing on her quivering lip and pinching her arm. Chrom…

The silence was broken as Chrom slowly started to applaud.


"You know," Chrom said half an hour later, "I don't see why she had to kick me out of the palace, too."

"You know what you did," I ground out, carefully avoiding the usual additives I'd stick in that sentence.

"I genuinely don't, that's my issue!" Chrom defended. "Besides, it's my palace! How can someone kick me out of my own palace!? She's really taking this queen thing too far…"

"You're an idiot," I sighed.

"Aw, come on. Marth, help me out here," Chrom pleaded.

"I would never presume, milord," 'Marth' said coldly.

Chrom gave me a curious glance at the more-aloof-than-usual tone she was taking, to which I just grinned. It probably wasn't easy to admit the man you idolized wasn't as brilliant as you thought.

"I think you're both idiots," Robin chuckled. "And what's 'taco'? Is it a curse word, too?"

"It's a food," I groaned.

"Made with dog shit?" Robin chuckled.

"It's a crispy corn bread shell full of ground meat, salad and other stuff," I explained. "I kinda want one now. Thank you for that."

I'd have to get Elle experimenting with making taco shells and tortillas now…

"That actually sounds pretty good," Chrom said. "Let's go get something to eat, I'm hungry now."

"You're always hungry," I shot back.

Chrom shrugged. "I'm a big guy. I need to eat. Are you coming?"

"Ffffffffff… yes," I said, sighing. "I'm starving. Let's eat."

Robin and Lucina both snickered as I very nearly lost Sumia's challenge five minutes into it, but I ignored them as Chrom and I headed into Ylisstol. It was mid-morning now, and I had the entire morning to myself. Robin had been a godsend, taking away so much of the paperwork I usually had to do that I honestly had to rethink my schedule. I felt guilty actually having free time. Hell, she was so good she had free time herself, enough to follow my sorry ass around and make sure I didn't swear, anyway…

It was going to be a long-ass month.

At least I could still swear in my head.

Fuck shit balls.

Ah. Not perfect, but better than nothing.


It had been a few days since the challenge started. And I would like to state, unequivocally and for the record, that training without swearing fucking sucks.

Getting pummeled and having to scream "I like that tunic!" or "your mom is a classy lady!" just lacks the same stress relief factor, ya know? There were even more injuries than normal, mostly because the men kept laughing and tripping. And then there were the over-working injuries because I made those fuckers run twice as far for laughing at me.

But… I kept running as well, so…

Meh. Whatever. I was tired, I was stressed, and I was hungry.

And Lucina was still fucking following me.

"I have to admit, I'm amazed you managed to keep pace," I said, my voice betraying how dead tired I was.

"That?" Lucina gasped. "That was… nothing! We used to… used to fight… three times as hard… back in the fu… future…"

"Then why do you sound so much more out of breath than me? The guy with the shitty lungs?"

"Because we're going up stairs!" Lucina snapped. "Why!? Why are you going to the roof… now of all times!?"

True to my bitchy blue-haired shadow's complaining, we were currently tromping up the stairs to the open roof space of the barracks. I had something of a nightly ritual, something I liked to do as often as I could, just before dinner.

"So stay down stairs," I shrugged. "I don't much like the idea of you invading my alone time."

"Lady Robin entrusted me… to watch over you this… evening," Lucina ground out through clenched teeth. "I shall… not fail her…"

"Oh my god, are you ever fu… ugh… are you ever not on?" I asked, biting my tongue so I didn't slip up and cuss.

"And that… is why I cannot leave you alone," Lucina said.

"And if I'm going up here to pleasure myself?" I asked pointedly.

Lucina simply stopped, glaring up at me.

"Hey, that was suggestive but I didn't curse," I pointed out.

"Forget it, I'm too tired to argue," Lucina groaned.

I shook my head, pushing open the door to the roof. It wasn't really a roof space, more like an observation deck built into the roof. Ylisse had, for the most part, sloping tiled roofs, but a few places had decks like these. I think Sumia had a flower garden on the one in the Palace. But yeah, I'd claimed this as my little hidey-hole. Half was covered by a canvas shade-sail, with an old lounge chair I'd swiped from the Palace sitting near the door. Chrom hadn't even noticed it missing, but Frederick had given me dirty looks for a few weeks. Well, dirtier considering the way he always glared at me, anyway. But the reason I really schlepped all the way up here was simple, and leaning against the wall near the couch.

"Get comfy," I suggested with a grin. "You look a little tired there."

"I hate you," Lucina groaned, sinking down to the couch.

I just chuckled, picking up the length of wood leaning up against the wall.

"A training sword?" Lucina asked incredulously. "Have you not trained enough for one day? You will wind up hurting yourself."

I shrugged, forcing my tired muscles to run through the training exercises that Lon'qu had beat into me. Fortunately for me, they were beginner kendo routines, and while I hadn't officially taken kendo I had jerked around as a kid with practicing I copied off YouTube videos.

What!?

All boys do it!

Stop judging me!

Anyway. It was a nice evening, the sky beginning to shift from day to dusk and that lovely orange-purple colour that only lasts about twenty minutes. As exhausted as I was, I loved doing this. It was calming, and almost like a second round of warm down exercises. The wind blew nicely up here, and quite often I found myself coming to read in the sun during nice days when I had time. But right now I was running my drills, and even though I was letting my thoughts wander I had the presence of mind to maintain my form and practice properly.

The sun had sunk below the horizon, the first stars beginning to shine in the sky before Lucina finally spoke again.

"Why are you doing this?"

"What?" I asked between swings. "Training? I'd say that's… pretty self-explanatory… Princess."

"You are going to overwork your muscles and hurt yourself," Lucina insisted. "I know you have something of a vulenary addiction, but your body needs time to rest and recover naturally. You're a smart enough man to know that, so why do you persist?"

I sighed, gasping for breath and wiping away the sweat from my brow as I lowered the training sword.

"Because I'm not you," I said, pointing the weapon at her. "I haven't been trained all my life for this. I haven't got the blood of a fu… grrr… I haven't got the blood a deity flowing in my veins. I'm nothing special. So I train."

Lucina went silent as I spun the sword in my grip, going back to my drills and swinging at imaginary Lon'qu dummies. I think I was starting to develop some aggression issues towards the man at this point…

But it was true. I was nothing special. I was no chosen hero, sent from afar to save the world. I was just a guy that had gotten drunk one night and ended up here, in Ylisse, where I was still nothing special. I was surrounded, all day every day, by the most brilliant people ever to exist in this world. Knights, mages, fucking grade-a heroes. And here I was, a college drop-out who couldn't hold down a job to save his life, trying to lead them? How the fuck do I put that into words so that she'd understand it?

Better yet, how the fuck do I get her to leave me the hell alone?

"You were thinking curse words just now," Lucina said, taking a few steps towards me.

I sighed again, breathing heavily as I lowered my training swords again. "That obvious, huh? What am I thinking now, then?"

Fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off…

Lucina gave a little chuckle, closer almost to a giggle, as she stopped a few feet away from me.

"I believe that you give yourself far too little credit," she said, her tone softer than before.

"Spare me, Princess," I sighed, tossing the training sword around her onto the sofa. "I'm not you, I'm not your father or Frederick, I'm not even Robin. I'm me. Imperfect. Flabby. Weak. And I'm supposed to keep you and those men inside alive? I… can't be those things. I have to be perfect. I have to be… better."

"Better than what?" Lucina asked, drifting closer.

"Better than me," I replied honestly. "You want the truth? I hate you. I really, really hate you. But for all that, I trust you. You and all the Shepherds. I know that if I look on the battlefield, you'll be there. I trust you to have my back. I… want you all to feel the same."

Lucina sighed lightly through her nose, frowning thoughtfully before stepping forward again and slapping me upside the head.

"Hey, ow! What the fu-"

She stopped me by putting a finger on my lips, smiling at me. "Idiot. I told you, you give yourself far too little credit. Were you unworthy of my trust, I would not have followed you. The others all feel the same way. And so you know, I hate you, too. But… I trust you with my life. Now, when was the last time you looked in a mirror?"

I shrugged. "Don't like mirrors. Got body image issues, don't like looking at myself."

Lucina actually did giggle this time, reaching down and tugging my shirt up before patting my stomach. My now apparently flat stomach.

"What? What? Holy sh-"

Lucina giggled again, placing her finger on my lips to stop me swearing a second time.

"That's two you owe me now," she said, grinning mischievously.

"Yeah, and? Want a cookie? Stop touching me," I deadpanned.

"You know, I can come back later if you guys want?"

Lucina and I both froze as Robin's voice drifted over from the open door. Sure enough, there she was leaning against the door jamb with her arms crossed and that fucking wicked grin on her face. I looked down, and it did indeed look for all the world like Lucina was feeling me up. Our faces were very close. It was easy to see how Robin would misconstrue this. With a sigh I closed my eyes and braced myself, biting my tongue and intent on weathering this storm without swearing.

The blow never came, though, Lucina simply stepping away from me and looking down with a blush on her face that was rapidly spreading to her ears.

"Dinner's ready," Robin added, a note of laughter in her voice, before she spun and disappeared back into the fort.

I glanced at Lucina, still frozen and glaring at the ground.

"What, not gonna hit me?" I asked with a grin.

"I find myself regrettably too tired for even that," she deadpanned, grimacing.


The next day was the start of a three-day rest period I had suggested for the men. One weekend a month I gave them Saturday and Monday off on top of our usual Sunday rest-day. Long enough for the boys to go back to their families if they lived nearby, or just relax and unwind a little. Can't work at full tilt the entire time without burning out, so rest periods like these were important.

It was just after breakfast and I was in the little corner of my quarters I'd turned into a bathroom sort of thing, contemplating shaving and simply looking at my shirtless self in the mirror.

I was… well, not ripped, but fit. I was flat. I had pecs. Fucking pecs. Not man-boobs, honest to god pecs. I wasn't ripped, like I said; I didn't have abs like Vaike or Sully, but my gut was gone. Even the skin was tighter. My arms had gotten larger, and my legs and butt were pretty damn toned.

I looked good.

I mean, until you factored in the hair, but I was still impressed with my progress.

So, of course, I started to flex a little. I was no Vaike, but I'd still fuck me.

"What are you doing?"

I spun, instantly blushing as Robin giggled at me from the open door.

"Didn't I lock that?" I asked, a little too quickly.

"Apparently not," Robin smirked. "By all means, keep up the show. I was just starting to feel the fire in my loins. Take me, you sexy, hairy man!"

"Oh shut the fu-... I hate you. Are you trying to make me swear?"

"Aw, I thought I was being more subtle than that."

"Vaike has a betting pool going on, doesn't he?"

"Odds are saying you won't last a week."

"I hate you all."

I growled as Robin burst out laughing, wiping tears from her eyes as she doubled over. She had taken to teasing me a lot more than Lucina had. Also, it appeared that she was intent on sticking around for a little while longer. It was a good thing, too, because I was getting used to her doing my paperwork. But… damn she was worse than Lucina sometimes. At least Lucina never started our exchanges. Just… usually wound up finishing them these days. Maybe Robin was coaching her?

Oh god please tell me Robin wasn't coaching her.

"I'll have you know I was about to shave," I said defensively, holding up the straight razor. "I feel like I've lost the urge now, though. Thank you very much."

"You can actually shave with a straight razor?" Robin asked, still chuckling. "I've noticed most of the others just go to a barber. It's cute when Ricken does it; the poor boy barely has peach fuzz."

"Yes, I can shave," I sighed. "Virion attempted to teach me. It usually involves a lot of cursing and bleeding, followed by me dumping a vulenary on my head afterwards, though, and I'm honestly not feeling it today."

"Well, we can't have our Lieutenant General, our vaunted Lord of Tactics, be wandering around all scruffy looking," Robin said, notes of teasing laughter still in her voice as she walked into the room.

I watched with a quirked brow as she dragged the chair from my desk across the room, placing it in front of the tub I'd filled with water and the mirror above it.

"Sit," she instructed, rolling up the sleeves of her coat.

"Oh, you a barber now, too?" I asked snarkily.

Robin just smirked, flicking her wrist and using a small tongue of flames to warm up the water in the bowl. With practiced motions she dunked a towel in the hot water and wrung it out before wrapping it around my face and head, effectively silencing me. I watched as she mixed up the shaving foam, the contents of which I was terrified to inquire about given the technological level of Ylisse, with the little shaving brush.

"I had to wear a lot of hats back in Southtown to make ends meet, especially during the winter months," she explained. "This is one of the ones I found more fun. I've already trimmed Ricken and Marth's hair while I've been here, and I'm supposed to do Olivia tomorrow."

"I can trim my own beard, thanks," I said, my voice muffled by the towel. My ex-girlfriend had tried to trim my beard before. Results were me without a moustache for a month. To say I've never let another soul near my beard since would be pretty accurate.

"Aw, you're no fun," Robin chuckled as she removed the towel on my face.

"Are you seriously going to do this?" I asked, quirking a brow.

"Yup," Robin chirped, picking up my razor and the leather sharpening strap.

"May I ask why?"

"What, I can't do something nice for the hero that came and saved me from my monotonous daily life?" she asked, feigning hurt as she began to lather my face and head up.

"Seems a little out of character for you, is all," I deadpanned.

Robin smirked, leaning down to my ear. "Just relax," she whispered.

I sighed out my nose and leaned my head back, deciding 'whatever' and resigning myself to letting the women in my life call the shots.

"What, you don't want me to that badly?" Robin laughed, flicking the razor around her fingers in a way that made me more than slightly nervous.

"No, just… feel like I'm losing control of my life," I shrugged. "You really want to, then go for broke. Just don't cut me."

With unnervingly gentle fingers she stroked the edge of my jaw before running the razor from my jawline down my neck. I tensed a little, but Robin just chuckled again, running the razor down my jaw and neck a second time.

"Relax," she repeated in my ear. "I'm not going to hurt you. I have pretty steady hands, you know."

"Mmm-hmm," was all I managed.

Honestly? Having a woman I knew for a fact was a killing machine with a razor at my throat wasn't as relaxing as I think she thought it was.

Once she was done under my jaw and moved onto my face, though, I relaxed a little more. The feeling of a razor running over your face when you're not in control is a very unique one. Bonus points if it's a straight razor. I'd been focusing on my breathing, entering a sort of meditative state. I still wouldn't say I was 'relaxed' but I wasn't as tense now.

"You know," Robin said softly, "I don't think I've thanked you yet."

"What for?" I asked unconsciously.

"Taking me in," she explained. "Giving me… a purpose. A place to belong."

"We still on that? To paraphrase a certain mercenary, 'was fine shack'."

Robin giggled a little leaning my head forward to rest my chin on my chest before she started running the razor over the back of my head.

"It was a good life," she agreed. "But… it didn't feel right. Not like this. Like… being here. With you and the others. This feels… right. Like I belong."

This… was starting to feel kinda nice.

I let out a breath, allowing myself to relax a little more.

It was like one of those ASMR things, but a hundred times better.

"So I'm guessing, then," I said, my words coming out slowly, "that you're over your little crisis from the other day?"

"Of course not," Robin chuckled. "If what you said is true, then my father is trying to destroy the world. That's… heavy. But with all of you that feels so distant. I feel… safe with you."

"Woman don't play with me."

"I was being serious, thank you," Robin laughed, slapping the top of my head. "There, done. And no cuts or scratches."

I opened my eyes and slowly sat up, running a hand over the top of my head. It had been shaved… a lot closer than I usually got. She was really good at this. And she was fast, too.

"Well then… thank you," I said, standing and turning. "I appreciate… it…"

Robin was standing right behind me, hands clasped behind her back and a big grin on her face. I rolled my eyes, rinsing off my head and face before pulling on one of my low-key casual shirts and fastening on my sword belt. Because I had one of those now. Unfortunately, Olivia and Nowi both still had my jacket and coat, so I'd be doing without. The one I'd worn when I'd had lunch with Cordelia was way too nice for such an occasion.

"I'm going to the Shepherds barracks," I explained. "I'm assuming that you're coming with me?"

"Of course," Robin laughed. "From everything I've heard that's where you're most likely to lose this little contest."

"Yeah, great," I sighed.

"So what are we going to bug the Shepherds for?" Robin asked, leaning forward a little and offering a tantalizing glimpse of cleavage beneath her collar.

"I'm still technically their tactician," I sighed. "I do need to pop in from time to time and make sure they're all still alive. Plus Anna's there and she said she'd be done with the preliminary numbers for the armaments order."

Robin bumped her shoulder into mine as we walked, grinning at me. Rather than fixate on why I had to be so short that most of the women here were my height I decided to ask the obvious question.

"What?"

"I meant what I said before," she said with a sunny smile.

"About the sex or about the place to belong?"

Robin barked a laugh, giving me a shove as she sped up her pace. "I'll leave that one to your imagination, mister genius. C'mon, keep up."

"Woman, stop touching me."

Yup. That lady would be the death of me.


The Shepherds' barracks was just as I remembered it. Run-down, ugly, and full of sweaty, smelly soldiers. And yet it still felt like coming home, in a sense. Some people were missing now, of course; Chrom, Lissa and Sumia were at the palace playing royalty now, and Lon'qu was probably not far away from the blonde princess he was clearly trying to hide how hard he was trying to get up into. Maribelle was in Themis. Thankfully. Tharja and Gaius were both still on their respective missions in Plegia. Virion and Olivia were busy running my army, using today to catch up on reports and organize our uniforms, respectively. I was actually rather excited about the uniforms, come to think of it… Ricken had never really been a presence at the barracks, but was off working on recruiting more mages for our second platoon because god forbid the kid ever handed in paperwork even a minute late. So the barracks wasn't quite as full as it had once been.

Still, though, the little place was crowded. It was small, it always felt crowded. But, put Vaike and Gregor in a room together? It just feels crowded.

And of course, true to form, the first thing I saw when I came around the corner was Stahl flying through the air after a particularly brutal lance-swing by Sully.

Robin and I both let out a sympathetic "oooooooh," as Stahl slid for a few meters before hopping back to his feet obliviously. He saw us standing there, giving his usual dopey grin and wave before Sully was back on him again, totally ignoring our presence.

Man, if she fucked like she fought Frederick was in for a very good time.

Come to think of it, that did sound pretty alluring…

No. Bad. Bad Ben. Do not. Father. Any of the second gen characters.

"Just ignore them," I sighed as we skirted what was beginning to look like a man fighting off a bear. "Actually, if Vaike bugs me I may just throw him at Sully instead."

Robin smirked, shaking her head a little as we stepped into the barracks. I instantly cringed, though, as a high-pitched auditory attack was launched on me moments before I was hit in the stomach.

"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!" Nowi squealed, crossing the barracks in a space of time that would make Usain Bolt jealous. Before, predictably, tackling and hugging me around the middle.

"Nowi. Stop. Hello. Stop touching. Please stop touching."

"Aww… but nobody here's any fun!" Nowi groaned.

"And trust me, neither am I," I deadpanned.

"Oh, I'm sure we could find something to do," Nowi said with a wink, her voice low and-

"Alright, off," I groaned. "I can't deal with this today."

The little manakete blew me a raspberry as I half-shoved her off of me before darting through the barracks to pester Donnel, who was doing the morning's dishes over in the corner. Vaike was napping in one of the chairs, and Anna was working on something at one of the desks along the far wall, offering me a lazy wave before going back to the stacks of paper in front of her. Gregor and Libra were god only knew where, and judging from the sounds of distant small talk Cordelia was out in the stable with someone.

I could hear Robin trying not to laugh behind me as I glared at Nowi and ran a hand over my head, sighing and shaking my head. A familiar flash of brown caught my attention, though, and I perked up.

"Panne. Welcome back," I said.

The Taguel glanced up as she entered from the stable, giving me a nod. "Manspawn. Hello."

"How was your little sojourn through the forests of Ylisstol? Find anything interesting?" I asked, stepping though the barracks.

"Fruitless," Panne said, her frown deepening. "I was hoping I had been impregnated, but now we must wait for the next cycle to-"

"No we must not, find another baby-daddy!" I growled, cutting her off.

This time Robin did burst out laughing, holding her stomach and doubling over as she wiped tears from her eyes.

"So that's one, then, I take it," she finally managed, straightening. "Who are two and three?"

"Not here," I growled, biting back the tirade of expletives on the tip of my tongue with great effort. "And technically she was two."

"Who are one and three, then?" Robin asked slyly.

"One is in Regna Ferox, and three should be back in a few weeks," I sighed.

I was really, really looking forward to her meeting Tharja, though. The yuri had always been strong with those supports, I was looking forward to shipping it IRL.

Panne, for her part, just quirked her head before shrugging. "Very well," was all she said before turning away and choosing a chair, seemingly lost in her own thoughts.

I froze for a moment, quirking my own head as Robin stepped past me to talk to Anna. Without thinking about it, I had just burned a bridge. Damn Sumia for distracting me like this… I would get my revenge for this loss.

What? Panne had been a good lay.

I still maintain I'm not a furry, though.

"Okay, as weird as that was," Anna chirped, jumping to her feet excitedly, "and waaaaaaay over-sharing by the way, I have good news for you."

"If you proposition me for sex too I swear I'll stab you," I warned, tapping the sword at my hip.

"Hey, you had your chance, buster," Anna laughed. "No, I mean I've got the final figures for the armor and weapons you ordered."

"Ooh, fancy," I said, perking up a little myself. "Lemme see, lemme see."

Anna motioned me over to her desk, moving aside and pointing to an absurdly large number on a sheet of paper. I quirked a brow, lifting the paper and looking at her working. Anna was meticulous about this kind of thing, and I trusted her implicitly where cash was involved, but I never signed a contract I didn't read or make a purchase this large I didn't inspect first.

Robin leaned forward, stopping just short of brushing her boobs against me as she read over my shoulder. Times like these reminded me she really was a tactician, where I was just playing at one.

"I assume I can expect a few prototype sets in the next few weeks?" I said, perusing the sheets.

"Pfft, what do you take me for, a novice?" Anna scoffed. "I'll have the first prototypes to you in a few days. The basic stuff for your Second Platoon and the heavier gear for the First. Scouting and support kits are going to take a little longer. What did Olivia think of the uniforms?"

"She's doing a stocktake and organizing them for distribution now," I mumbled, still going through the papers. "I think she's on the verge of a breakdown, but I haven't seen her in a few days. Could you give her a hand? As a favor to a friend?"

"No problem, but favors cost extra," Anna said with a wink.

"You're the salt of the earth, Anna," I sighed, handing the papers to her. "I'll owe you one. Meanwhile, this all seems to be, while expensive, in order. Put it through your contacts and I'll organize the money on Tuesday."

"A pleasure doing business with you, sir!" Anna cheered.

Yeah, no doubt she was hella happy about this. I'd seen her huge fucking mark-up. But even that was reasonable; she'd organized all this single-handed, not to mention the rush-order I'd put on it. I didn't have to like the price, but it was logically reasonable.

"You know," Anna said, a sly grin settling on her face, "you've been oddly well-behaved today. Haven't sworn once. I'd say that's either really impressive or really weird."

"Don't start, you know exactly what's going on," I warned.

"Aw, did some mean old queen take your balls and put them in her purse?" Anna asked, placing both palms on the sides of my face and squishing it around. "And you're not even her husband! That's low!"

"Anna I swear to whatever gods you hold dear I will stab you stop touching me," I growled, slapping her hands away.

"But your skin is so nice and smooth today!" Anna laughed.

I opened my mouth, only to hesitate as a familiar warm shape clambered up my back and perched on my shoulders. Two little hands began rubbing the top of my head as Nowi gave a girlish giggle.

"It is! It's so smooth!" she laughed.

I rounded on Robin, a promise of death in my eyes. "You planned this, didn't you woman!?"

"No, but I'm starting to wish I had," she laughed.

"Okay, that's enough."

A cool, feminine voice spoke as the weight of the young-seeming manakete was lifted from my shoulders, Cordelia intervening. She set the pouting dragon down on the ground, smiling and shaking her head.

"Cordelia, light of my life, thank you so much," I said, deflating. "You have no idea how close I was to…"

I trailed off as a blushing Cordelia gently ran her hand over the top of my head, a guilty grin on her face. "They were not kidding, it really is smoother today."

I gave a wordless, dangerous growl and Cordelia stepped back, hands held up non-threateningly.

"Okay, I'm going back to cloister myself away in the barracks before I snap and kill one of you," I said seriously.

I turned away, coming face to face with a grinning Vaike. "Heard you can't swear."

"Apparently not," I said slowly.

Vaike nodded, a serious expression crossing his face for a moment. Then, I think to everyone's surprise, Vaike slapped me across the face.

I stood there for a few moments, red flashing across my vision before I took a deep, calming breath.

"Vaike."

"Yes'm?"

"I can't swear."

"I know, why'd ya think I slapped you?"

"I have not, however, been forbidden from acts of intense violence."

Vaike's grin faltered, his eyes widening as he realized what he'd done.

Or more accurately what he'd unleashed.

"Hey, Ben, buddy, I was, was just kiddin' around-"

"Vaike, I've been having a really bad week so far," I said calmly, rolling out my neck. "Thank you for offering to be my stress relief."

Then I laid him flat with a straight right. As Vaike fell I let out a wordless cry of rage, leaping into the air and following him down to the ground with my elbow.

I couldn't swear, but I could sure as hell still make it so that the dumb mother-fucker couldn't talk for a week.


That evening, after an extended healing session with both Libra and Vaike where the two of us were lectured by the beautiful priest – who is still unfortunately a dude – about the sanctity of friendship, I finally managed to trudge into the common room in the barracks.

I was tired. I was sore. And my mouth was bloody from biting my tongue all day.

But I'd made it. Despite everyone's best efforts I'd lasted a week without swearing now.

And I wanted to die.

"And you're still following me," I growled out loud to a feminine laugh from behind me.

Robin, true to her word to Sumia, had followed me around with Lucina all week. It wasn't so bad when it was during work hours, but during my personal time I was starting to feel a little… stifled.

And she was just so. Damn. Perky.

I was growing to hate her. Despite how pretty she was I was growing to hate her.

At least Lucina spent the entire time glaring at me with silent hostility.

"So not sick of me yet, then, huh?" I asked, practically falling into the first chair I spotted.

Laurent glanced up from whatever paperwork he had spread out on the coffee table, offering us a polite nod before his writing quill began to move again. Ricken and Olivia were nowhere to be seen, and judging from the sounds in Lucina's room she was currently bathing.

A not wholly unpleasant thought, considering she'd filled out nicely in the last few months, but not really worth dying for.

Yet, anyway.

Robin scoffed, moving around the table to perch on the arm of Laurent's chair, crossing her arms with a grin.

"It's fun watching you suffer," she admitted with a wink.

"You really are a sadist, aren't you?" I sighed. "You'll get along reeeeeal well with Tharja."

Laurent spluttered, choking on his own spit at my comment and doing his best to cough up a lung. When he looked up again his eyes were wide behind askew glasses and his hair was a mess. The kid was too easy.

"From everything I've heard I don't know if I want to," Robin laughed.

"Trust me, once you get a good look at her chest…" I muttered.

Seriously, I didn't even like big racks! Justice over plot, ya know? But Tharja just had such an anatomically impossible figure… she had to use magic to keep her waist that damn thin with tits like that. There was no other logical explanation. She was, like, zero percent excess body fat.

Oh god Cordelia was right, maybe I was missing her.

"I will admit to being a little curious," Robin chuckled.

"Curiosity is good," I nodded sagely. "Curiosity helps us grow. Never be afraid to try new things. And let Laurent and I watch."

"Leave me out of this!" Laurent shrieked, going red to his ears.

Robin burst out laughing so hard she slipped off the arm of his chair and landed on the floor, but I just chuckled a little.

"You sure you're your father's son?" I asked.

"I take after my mother," the skinny mage deadpanned.

Well, he wasn't lying there…

"Did I not ask you to refrain from breaking my friend?" Lucina asked, stepping out of her room as she dried her hair on a towel. "And why is Robin rolling around on the floor?"

"I'm okay!" the tactician gasped between laughs.

I glanced up as the damp, steamy scents of a bath carried the flowered soapy smells to me and frowned. "Woman I swear to whatever gods you hold dear, if you've dragged a full bath into this barracks-"

"And put it where?" Lucina snapped. "True to your orders I have been bathing in a bucket, but I refuse to suffer with ice cold water. Laurent heated it up for me."

"Way to score affection points, bro," I said to the mage.

Laurent simply blinked, quirking his head at my VN speak. Robin threw one hand up, groping for the arm of the chair again before finally pulling herself back up. She was a messy laugher, that much was for sure. There were tears in her eyes and her face was red, not to mention her hair was an absolute disaster.

"Is the water still warm? Mind if I use it?" she asked Lucina, notes of laughter still in her voice.

"By all means," Lucina said with a small smile.

"Can't you just heat up your own water?" I asked.

"Hey, there's a person attached to this spellbook," Robin fake-pouted.

"Huh, and here I thought the only thing attached to that spellbook was a pair of ti…. That was close."

Robin clicked her tongue, grinning as she turned away. "So close," she muttered.

"And on that note I bid you all good night," I sighed, standing.

"No, please, don't leave us," Lucina deadpanned, rolling her eyes.

"Ooh, Princess you know exactly what I want to say right now," I growled as I stomped towards my room.

"Wanna tell us anyway?" Robin asked cheekily.

"Good night ladies," I said emphatically. "And Isaac."

Laurent blinked a few times before remembering his alias, nodding before going back to his paperwork. The kid was smart, but sometimes he needed to be reminded of little things like that.

I closed the door to my room, breathing a deep sigh of relief as I was plunged into comfortable, silent darkness. I didn't even bother with the lamp, simply kicking off my boots, pulling off my shirt and beelining for my bed. I was just going to sleep in my jeans. Wouldn't be the first time, and sure as shit wouldn't be the last time. Elle's denim was actually really quite nice and comfortable, more-so than the synthetic shit back home, anyway. Made for good pajamas in a pinch, if you're used to sleeping in jeans anyway.

Where the fuck had Elle been lately, anyway? Wasn't my maid supposed to be, I don't know, around me all the time? Or something? Maybe she was moonlighting. Didn't I pay her well, though? Scratch that, didn't Chrom pay her well? I'd have to make a mental note about grilling her next time she showed her face.

With that thought I flopped down onto my bed, groaning in delight as my face hit my pillow. I groped around for the edge of my blanket, coming dangerously close to not bothering until my fingers found-

"God da… Nowi! What the fuuuuuu… graaaaaah! What! Are! You! Doing!?"

In the moonlight I could see the lump on my bed shift as the manakete sat up, blinking groggily at me before giving me a mischievous smile.

"I was sleeping."

"In my bed!?"

"It's comfy. And smells nice."

"Robin put you up to this, didn't she?" I groaned, Nowi quirking her head as I turned back to the door. "You will not defeat me, woman! I will beat Sumia's challenge! Stop! Stop trying to make me lose or I swear to god I'll kill you!"

I spun back to Nowi, my eyes narrowing dangerously.

"And you," I hissed. "You have been very clingy lately. Stop it. My room, my bed, my barracks. You want in either ask or join the army. Now get out."

"Awwww!" Nowi groaned, latching onto me with her arms around my chest. "But you're so much more fun than the others! You're just grumpy because Tharja isn't here and you're not getting laid."

"Where did you learn to speak like that?" I sighed exasperatedly.

"Dunno," Nowi chirped, smiling up at me with her chin resting on my chest. "I am a thousand years old. I know aaaaaaaaaaaall kinds of things."

With another, longer, even more exasperated sigh I stood, grabbing Nowi by the scruff and dragging her to my door before tossing the protesting manakete out on her ass.

"Not tonight, not any night, you look like a fuuuuuuuuu… like a twelve year old, now fuuuuu… argh! Go away!"

And then I slammed the door to the howling laughter of the other residents of the common area.

Judging from the big grin on Nowi's face this was far from over.

God damn why were all the women here so thirsty!?

I needed locks for this door. Big locks.

"Urgh. Yup, I am losing control of my life," I groaned, shuffling back towards the bed.


The next morning I awoke with a pounding headache. It was time to start work again after the extended weekend, and I had been so stressed I'd barely slept at all. I hated the world and everyone in it, with the exception of maybe Tharja and Elle who both apparently only existed to make my life easier.

And of course when I got to my office the first things I saw were Robin standing with my itinerary for the day on a clipboard, and Lucina lounging on the sofa I kept along one wall to nap on when I burned out.

"Ladies, good morning," I said, my voice hollow.

"Someone didn't sleep well," Robin chuckled. "What, twelve-year-old manaketes keep you up?"

"What's on for today?" I asked, running a hand over my head and ignoring her.

"Big day today," Robin said, switching gears instantly as she set into work mode. "Regular training, as well as some administrative stuff. The prototype armors are supposed to arrive today."

"Have them brought up here and call the Platoon leaders for a meeting."

"Alright. There was another missive from the Duke Southland about using his land for training exercises."

"Unless he said yes then I don't care."

"He did finally cave, yes."

"Good, send him a fruit basket and some wine and start organizing the trip with Ricken and Isaac."

"Already on it, just waiting for Anna to supply the wine. A couple of vintage bottles, he'll love it. Uhhh… oh, Sammy in First Platoon's wife just had a baby, and he's requesting leave to go see it. I think it was a little boy?"

"Give him the week off and tell Anna to add an extra bottle to that list. Give it to Sammy as congratulations. And tell him to choose a godfather."

"I think he asked Mal in Second Platoon, they come from the same village."

"Good. Anything else?"

"There's… a small group of people from Chon'sin here to see you, something about a ginger man sending them?"

"Have them brought up immediately," I said, falling into the chair behind my desk.

"Oh, and one more thing," Robin added, turning for the door and hesitating. "There's a girl here, too. Says she's related to you."

"I only have brothers, and I'm positive any of my cousins would not survive a week here," I deadpanned. "Turn the con-woman away and bring up the Chon'sinians. Is that how it's pronounced?"

"I believe so," Robin chuckled.

"Wait," Lucina called out. "This… relative. Did she give you her name?"

"Uh, no, she was pretty evasive about it," Robin said.

"What did she look like?" Lucina persisted, her voice taking on a strange, yearning quality.

"Uh… pale skin, skinny, black hair," Robin listed off.

"Hazel eyes?" Lucina asked quickly, bolting to her feet. "With little flecks of violet in the irises?"

"Y-yeah, I think so," Robin said, taken aback. "She was wearing a hood, I didn't get that good a look at her-"

"Take me to her," Lucina said, letting slip and allowing the old Exalt tone to enter her voice.

Robin quirked a brow at the abrupt change in 'Marth's' tone, but I held up a forestalling hand. "Bring her up here first. Clearly this is something I should deal with."

Lucina gave me a thankful look as she carefully sat back down, Robin shrugging and moving to carry out my orders.

With another long sigh I reached into my desk and pulled out a bottle of amber liquid, sitting the whiskey on my desk within easy reach.

This month did not appear to be getting any easier.


AN: Hey, look at that, the c-word finally snuck in there. In my defense, I only use it when I really have to. You'll notice I didn't include the n-word. That's because it's a racial slur, not a curse word, and I still refuse to even commit it to text. That's the one line metallover ain't crossing.

A lovely wish-fulfilment chapter for you all. Hopefully it was fun to read. Wrote it mostly as a birthday present to myself. Yes, the not-swearing story arc shall continue for another chapter at the very least. In fact the next chapter is going to be the culmination of a few plot threads. Look forward to it!

(P)atreon plans are on hold. Will advise with next upload.

Follow me on Twitter – metalloverCAB

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