4. Week #3 – Self-Pleasure

That weekend, Cana went above and beyond, collecting dishes and scrubbing the surfaces during work hours so everything was clean by the time Mira closed. It meant they didn't stay after hours on Saturday working together. But it meant Mira could go home and enjoy her evening.

It put Cana back in Mira's good graces for the most part. That made Cana's insides unclench, like she needed this—relied on things with Mira being cool.

But at night, she contemplated everything Mira had said to her over the last few weeks, every accusation long-buried in her soul. Mira wasn't wrong: she was a flirt. She slept around, had a bit of a conquest issue.

That didn't make her a bad person.

On Tuesday, the Drinking Club's third meeting began with these heavy emotions—Cana half-drunk when Juvia and Gray joined her. The pair sat down just as Evergreen and Freed walked up to the bar.

"Yo, Freed." Cana gave him a high-five, managing to hide her unsteadiness. "Can I get you to drink yourself under the table?"

"No," he said, "but I'll have a drink. Ever?"

"Sure."

As Freed reached behind the bar to grab a bottle and two glasses, Gray teased, "Wow, the Raijinshuu are drinking in the middle of the day. This is a big occasion."

"We just had some intense…discussions," Freed said.

He and Ever didn't look at each other, but Cana saw their faces.

"I find masturbation a fun and relaxing topic," she said blithely.

Evergreen jerked and sprayed a mouthful of her drink across the bar.

"Oh Goddess, I'm so sorry, Mira," the woman exclaimed as the bartender hurried over. "I can clean it up."

"Mira, while you're here," Cana piped up, "Freed stole some liquor. You need to chew him out."

"Freed pays me in other ways," Mira said, hands on her hips. "The stealing only comes from you."

Cana's self-control cracked.

"If you let me pay you in other ways, I wouldn't have to steal."

Mira's mouth fell open while everyone else let out various amounts of mortified laughter. After a moment, the bartender turned and walked away.

Woman can't take a joke. Cana took a long chug as she tried to push back the anger pinching her smile into something entirely unpleasant. Who the fuck do you think you are, Cana Alberona?

By the time Cana had downed her whole drink, her shaking had stilled, but she wasn't numb yet.

"Give me some of that shit," she muttered at Freed, holding her cup out.

"You like bourbon?"

"I drink anything," she said as he poured her a generous amount. "You know that."

"So," Juvia spoke up for the first time. "We were discussing jilling off?"

"Um," said Freed.

"What's the subject: frequency, methods, fantasies…?" Juvia asked.

Freed turned red.

"In a relationship," Ever finally said.

As they watched, Ever knocked back her entire spot in one go.

"Looks like I'm drinking like Cana today," she muttered, finally smiling.

"That's the spirit," Cana said, grinning. Not everyone in the world hated her.

"I figure masturbation, like anything, is okay so long as it's consensual," Gray said. "I mean, who doesn't like watching their mate service themselves?"

"I never thought about it," Juvia said. "I suppose it would be hot, but I might get too antsy and want to help out."

"That's why you do it together."

"I prefer to actually have sex," Freed interjected. "Masturbation is for if there's no one to, you know…"

"Fuck," Cana finished. He nodded.

"Or be fucked by," Gray added, grinning.

Poor Freed just coughed. He and Cana were close enough friends she knew discussing sex didn't embarrass him, but Freed had the unfortunate complexion that flushed or paled with little provocation. If you knew him, it made him easy to read even when the emotions were subtle.

Cana knew exactly who he was trying not to think about.

Wanting Freed to smile and stop looking as depressed as she felt, she decided to prod the bear.

"Fucking aside, Freed, what would you do if Laxus wasn't interested in sex?" Cana asked.

Freed choked.

"I—there isn't—he and I aren't together," he stuttered, gripping the edge of the bar.

"Hypothetically," she said. "Suppose you started dating Laxus and found out he was ace?"

"Not. Laxus." Freed's voice was jerky and he didn't meet anyone's gaze.

"Fine," Cana sighed. Good fucking job, Cana. Shaming everyone today. "If you started dating someone and found out they're ace…"

"Personally, I couldn't do without some action," Juvia said, giving Freed time to recover. "That's just me. If someone I liked was ace, I'd date more than one person."

She shrugged.

"Meaning, you'd sleep around," Ever said. "That's an idea."

"No, I'd pursue having a relationship that's more than the two of us."

Everyone stared.

"What?" Juvia chuckled. "Never heard of polyamory?"

"I confess, I stereotyped you as the only-one-at-a-time type," Cana admitted.

"Don't judge a book by its cover." Juvia grinned slyly.

"Have you actually…" Gray stopped.

"It's okay, you can ask."

"Have you had a polyamorous relationship before?" Gray asked.

"Yes. In Phantom Lord."

Evergreen's eyes went wide, cheeks flushed (which might've been the bourbon).

"How did you… How?"

"When Aria and I began our relationship, I made sure it was okay with him that I continue dating. He was still transitioning and I wasn't sure if he'd be insecure… But he expressed interest, so sometimes we'd take someone out together. When Totomaru joined the Element Four, he took us on a date; first time someone had done that. Things just clicked…"

Juvia shrugged again.

"Sometimes it was me and Aria, sometimes me and Maru, sometimes the two of them; but usually the three of us together. Everyone does polyamory differently: we generally shared everything. Dates, sex, living quarters." She smirked. "Made for great teamwork."

There was a pause. Freed said, "Suddenly, I feel a lot less experienced."

"Seconded," Cana laughed. "I thought I knew things. But I've never tried that arrangement. I guess I didn't know how to make it work."

"And you tell me sisters know everything," Gray snorted. Everyone smiled.

"Personally," Freed spoke up, "I'd abstain from sex if I had an ace partner. I like to think affection for the person would be enough. Maybe I'm wrong. I want to be monoamorous, but that's just personal preference."

"I used to think like you," Gray said slowly, "but these days I don't care so much. I think whatever works as long as you care for each other. As long as you…are with someone you love."

"What about masturbation?" Ever asked. "Cana's first question."

"Masturbation isn't sex," Gray said. "It's not like a partner can—or should—control your self-stimulating habits."

"Right," Freed agreed. "If it makes them uncomfortable to watch or listen, do it when they're not around."

Cana caught Gray smirking and they grinned at each other. They'd had a discussion at one point about the lack of sound-proofing at home.

"Cana?" Ever asked.

"I think masturbating in front of a partner is incredibly hot," Cana said. "For everyone. But I also think it's fun because it's vulnerable and bold. It's a sexy, romantic way of saying you trust someone. So yeah, jilling off for the win. If I had an ace partner who was comfortable with it, I might even get a toy with a remote so they could participate without the pressure of being hands-on."

"Hands-on," Freed muttered, leaning his head in his hands and laughing. "Really, Cana?"

"How is that more risqué than Juvia's ménage a trois?"

"It's a pun," Gray said. "And a bad one."

"You're a bad one," Cana shot back.

"You really are siblings," Ever chortled.

"Oh no," Freed interrupted softly.

He gave a subtle, dread-filled nod toward the far corner of the guild.

Laxus, Natsu, and Gajeel huddled in the corner talking in low voices, shooting occasional glances at the Drinking Club.

Cana did a double-take. Laxus, Natsu, and Gajeel huddled together…

'Talking,' Ever mouthed in shock, carefully not looking at the spies. 'Holy shit.'

"Damn," Gray breathed. He and Juvia were using one of their glasses as a mirror. With a distasteful twist to his lips, he murmured, "This isn't good."

"It isn't," Freed agreed sadly.

"Whatever it is, it's about us," Gray muttered. "Shitfuck."

"Oh my god, would you doomsayers shut up?" Cana said loudly.

The ice mage shot her a meaningful look. While Natsu was paying Gray more attention these days, most of it was negative. Inciting jealousy was working. Cana gave him a sympathetic grimace.

"—fine, Freed," Ever murmured, almost too quiet to hear. "You need to stop doing this to yourself."

Freed looked like he might be sick; when Cana poked him, he merely grabbed her hand and returned it to her lap.

"Spoilsport," she said, but squeezed his fingers.

Ever rose, dragging her captain to his feet.

"We have Raijinshuu business with Bickslow this afternoon. Thanks for the drink and chat."

"The Drinking Club is always here for any sexy matter you want to bring up," Cana said.

"Thanks," Ever laughed.

As the two walked away, Cana called after them, "I think you and the big one will figure it out fine, Evergreen."

Smiling over her shoulder with mortified pleasure, the woman led Freed away.

"Freed's standing so straight it looks painful," Gray observed. "Poor bastard."

"I need to go, too," Juvia admitted. "Fun as it is to awe you with tales from my past, I need to take a job if I'm going to meet rent."

Gray sat up.

"I can come with you. You might need help."

The instant Juvia realized what he was doing, her eyebrows shot up.

"No," she commanded, convincingly austere. "I'm fine by myself. Believe it or not."

"I don't mean to imply you're not strong," Gray said in a rush, slipping into an amusing show of deference. "With two of us, you can take a higher-paying job. I don't need the money, so the reward would all be yours."

"No."

"Juvia—"

A blur of pink slammed Gray into the bar.

"What the hell?" Gray exclaimed, practically in Natsu's arms with the way the Dragon Slayer had him pinned against the bar.

"Erza wants to go on a job," Natsu said, omitting the usual insults. "You're coming with me."

Heaving a breath, Gray twisted away from his touch.

"What?" Natsu growled.

"You hate touching me," Gray spat. A shiver wracked his body, the hurt in his eyes too real. "I'm helping you."

For a moment, Natsu went deadly pale. Then he threw a punch, and fire soared at his rival-friend-crush-enemy.

When Gray dodged, Cana leapt off her stool to avoid the flames, hissing when the floor froze under her feet.

Here she'd thought the two would fight less.

Rolling over the bar to crouch in safety on the other side, Cana saw Mira huddling over a collection of expensive-looking bottles.

"Want help?" Cana asked, crawling over.

"Sure. It is your favorite thing, after all."

"Gods, I have other passions besides alcohol," Cana grumbled. "I just want to help you."

Mira let Cana slide in beside her. In the tight space, Mira's perfume made the air smell like a summer meadow. It was far more intoxicating than the whiskey Cana had had.

"Sorry I said that," Mira murmured.

"It's alright." Closing her eyes, Cana swallowed. "We know how you think of me."

It's okay, and it doesn't bug me, and it's all fine, because it doesn't really matter.

"Cana, I don't think you're a thief. Or a drunk. I know you better than that. The drunk comment a few weeks ago was…was wrong. I meant to be teasing. I'm not very good at it."

"Really?"

Cana glanced up, finding those blue eyes staring meaningfully back. When Cana swallowed, her mouth was dry. I thought I was a useless piece of shit?

"Why did you cut me off a few weeks ago?" she asked.

"Well, you do get flirty when you're drunk…" Mira bit her lip, something fierce entering her expression. "You pull out your pick-up lines and get all…physically affectionate."

Cana's stomach sank and the world came untethered. This. This was all she was.

"Thanks a lot, Mira."

"I didn't say it as judgment," Mira stammered. "I just…I…"

"You make it sound like there's a problem with how many women I've gone down on—like it's bad to be flirty and like people. But I'm proud." Cana sat up straighter. "I've eaten out, fingered, or otherwise fucked nine different women in my life, and I don't regret any of them. And for what it's worth, I had relationships with most of them, not that it should matter."

"N-Nine?" Mira's expression was defenseless.

"Yes." With shaking fists, Cana rose, leaning out of the way as a snowball crashed into the wall. "It's not for you to judge me."

From the floor, Mira looked up at her with giant blue eyes round and watering.

Fuck. A monster chomped on Cana's throat.

"I don't—" Mira began.

"Cana!"

Lucy's shout made both women startle, Mira wiping her face. Her tears were knives in Cana's chest: guilt, anger, hurt. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Cana's existence just made Mira cry. Everything about Cana sucked. Cana was fucked-up and hurtful and a source of bad things…because she drank all the time and she liked ladies a lot…

She wasn't anywhere near drunk enough to be feeling this sick.

Looking up, she gave Lucy a winning, sharp-edged smile.

"What can I do for you?"

"I need to talk to you," Lucy said. "Alone. Romantic things."

"Oh?" A lightbulb clicked on. "Oh. Let's take this outside."

"Thank you." Lucy looked relieved.

Without giving Mira another glance, Cana followed Lucy out the back door of the guild. But she could still feel Mira's eyes. Her tears. For a few angry seconds, the only thing processing through Cana's brain was the word FUCK in large letters.

Once outside, Cana took a deep breath and listened stoically. Lucy knew she and Juvia had chemistry, had noticed what she thought was Juvia flirting, and wanted advice on what to do next.

"Spend more time with her, compliment her, do things together," Cana said. "Ask her out, Lucy."

"What if she says no?"

"You think she will?"

"I don't know anything right now," Lucy muttered. "I've always thought she was smart, but things were just...well, it's complicated. Now I think someone else likes her, and I just... Ugh, I'm nervous, Cana."

"Then ask her out. You never know until you try."

Lucy sighed. "Yeah, I guess. I just…I'm gonna have to think about it more. That's… I like Levy, too."

Cana gaped.

"It's confusing and I'll just have to figure it out myself, make my choice," Lucy said hurriedly. "But that's why it's complicated."

Cana almost said something, but her thoughts weren't collected and she could tell Lucy didn't want to talk about it, lips tense and eyes hard. Putting an arm around Lucy's shoulders, Cana let Lucy lead the way back to the guild.

"If it doesn't work out with either of them," Cana joked, "you've always got me as a platonic snuggle stand-in."

Lucy finally laughed, and Cana's face split into a lopsided smile. She liked making people happy. Liked the sense of purpose it gave her, like it could wipe out the dark things which crept up on her when she was alone.

As they walked into the guild, Lucy leaned in and kissed Cana's cheek.

"Thanks, lovely."

"Always," Cana said, blushing and happy. "Go knock it out."

While Lucy sauntered off, Cana surveyed the guild. Gray and Natsu were absent, and the destruction left behind wasn't as bad as it could've been.

Inhaling, Cana approached Wakaba.

"Know where Mira is?"

"She took off. Wasn't feeling good." He patted his gut significantly.

Cana tensed.

"Shit. Again?"

For a few months Mira had suffered from intestinal illness—Cana knew because she'd worked to improve her cooking and bring over foods Mira could eat.

"I don't think it was a stomach thing," Macau spoke up. "She sounded congested. And looked…distressed."

Cana frowned darkly. This day kept getting better.

"Who's in charge of the bar?"

"Lisanna," Wakaba grunted. "Why, you volunteering to wash dishes?"

"Just wondering. I'll probably head home."

"Wise," Macau said. "Mira announced you weren't allowed another drop."

"What?!" Cana's jaw hardened. "Now I'm really going home. You assholes keep well."

She waved and hurried out.

When had Mira gone from funny and warm to…to this? She used to be one of the few people Cana could trust. Could hang out with whether she felt good about herself or not: someone who got to see the other face Cana didn't let people in on.


A/N: Natsu's not the only one who's a tad jealous...