Castiel couldn't sleep. He had gotten through the day alright but knew that tomorrow would be so much worse. Tomorrow would be three years since his life had fallen apart. Three years since he held Balthazar's broken body and wept. Three years since he had been forced to leave a job he loved because they found out who he loved. Three years since he had touched the sky.
Castiel had always been intrigued with flying. From as young as he could remember, he was fascinated with airplanes. When his mother scrounged up the money to pay a small plane owner to take Castiel up in the air for the first time he was hooked. As the plane took off, he felt a freedom he hadn't known until that moment. And when they glided silently over the earth below, he had a sense of peace, of home. This was where he belonged. He decided at that moment, he would one day fly on his own.
True to his word, Castiel decided he wanted to be a helicopter pilot and he joined the army through the ROTC program. He was thrilled to pilot a UH-60 Medevac Blackhawk. It felt like he got to fly and help people and his country at the same time, what could be better?
It was on his third year-long deployment to the Middle East in five years that Castiel began to doubt. He had spent so much time being the perfect soldier, flying every route assigned and believing wholeheartedly in the mission. But he gradually grew tired. He had seen too many lifeless bodies and was losing a sense of what he was fighting for. For every person he helped to save he knew the next day dozens more were marching back into danger in this wasteland covered in heat and sand.
Then he met Balthazar. Castiel fell for Balthazar surprisingly fast. He was smart, funny, sexy, and made Castiel feel a sense of purpose again. Balthazar still had faith in their mission and inspired Castiel to be a better soldier.
Balthazar was a Captain, commanding officer of an MP company and Castiel was the Captain of his evac team. Their affair started back at Fort Benning. They met at one of the many officers' events that were held on base and instantly developed a trusting friendship which grew to love.
They had to carry out their affair in complete secret, though, to protect both of their careers in the Army. They would get away from base, going for long drives in Balthazar's car, a convertible Austin-Healey. It was a flashy old thing, but it was perfectly Balthazar. They would put the top down and take weekend trips far away from base where no one knew who they were so that they would not be caught. And life was good for a while.
Then came the deployment orders. Castiel's team was to ship out again to Afghanistan in 30 days. Balthazar's unit was to stay state side. Balthazar immediately began searching out MP Captains in Castiel's battalion that he could trade places with. It wasn't hard to find soldiers willing to go along with Balthazar's plan. He schemed and planned and called in favors until he was able to convince the higher-ups that it was a good thing to send him, a single soldier, instead of a married father of three.
Castiel was furious when he found out what Balthazar had done. There was no reason for both of them to be in danger. But Balthazar insisted that they could keep an eye on each other this way. It was on that deployment that everything came crashing down. On a mission to guard a throughway for some VIP who was making an appearance for the cameras, a car bomb exploded, fatally wounding Balthazar.
Castiel was just returning from picking up a crew that had gotten trapped in a firefight where three of the team members were killed and a fourth was just hanging onto life. He hoped the guy would make it, but knew even if he did, recovery would be hell. The man was covered in blood, some of it his and some his fellow soldier's, and he was screaming in pain and anguish that his men had been killed. Castiel's heart broke for the man and the hundreds like him he had seen. He needed to go see Balth, who could always remind him what they were here fighting for.
Once the medical team had whisked the patient away to the triage tent, Castiel hopped down from his aircraft and stood in the hot desert sun, dragging in a long breath, closing his eyes to ground himself after another difficult mission. As he began stripping off his flight gear, Sergeant Jodi Mills, one of the MP's from Balthazar's platoon, ran up to him and gave him a quick salute. "Captain Krushnic, I know you're friends with Captain Roche. He was injured. Come on," she said and turned on her heels to walk quickly towards Balthazar.
Castiel felt his heart drop and tried to hide the sheer panic that threatened to overtake him as he followed Sergeant Mills towards the triage tent. "There was an explosion," she began still breathing heavily, "Captain Roche was right in its path. Shit, he was inspecting the car right as it went off." Castiel glanced over at her now, noticing that she had blood on her sleeve and Kevlar vest.
Castiel had seen so many injuries he thought nothing could affect him anymore, but the site of Balthazar laying on the cot, with the life draining from his eyes, made him crumble. The man he loved was barely recognizable. One side of his face was covered in crisp white bandaging, his blond hair blackened and burned. Castiel's eyes quickly scanned over his body noticing far too many bandages and the heart monitor he was hooked up to beeped a slow irregular pace.
He rushed to his lover's bedside and grabbed his hand. Tears fell as they whispered their last words to one another and Castiel kissed him for the last time. It wasn't until after Balthazar's breathing stopped and his hand fell lifeless that Castiel noticed the looks that he was getting from some of the soldiers. He realized that the game was over, it had been quite obvious to everyone in the tent that he and Balthazar weren't just friends. It was one week later that he admitted to the accusations of homosexuality and was escorted home with discharge papers in his hand.
Pamela had offered to come home with him so he wouldn't be alone, but he knew that she wasn't really what he needed. The two friends had occasionally found comfort in each other's arms, abandoning themselves to the physical release that sex could provide, but both understanding that they were not meant to be. She was the only woman Castiel had been with and, as nice as it was with her, he knew that he had a strong preference for men.
Men like the handsome student that he had met that afternoon, Dean Winchester. Castiel couldn't help notice that Dean was beautiful. The man was tall, muscular and well kept, his short brown hair spiked neatly over his sun kissed face. He had a perfect mouth with full lips and an easy smile that Castiel had to force himself not to stare at. And his eyes, they were a muted green and were so full of life and expression.
He felt a surge of attraction to this man the moment their eyes connected as they shook hands. He had enjoyed Dean's easy humor during class and felt himself helping Dean and Charlie more than he usually would just to be closer to the man.
He knew Dean must be straight and he had no intentions of acting on his little crush; still there was no harm in fantasizing, right? God, he needed to get out there again. But every time he tried, it was an utter failure. Castiel knew he was socially awkward. He had been home schooled, raised in a very conservative home and had almost never been allowed to watch TV or movies. He was always the quiet outsider in the military, but, being an officer, it was easy to get away with. He had been a good leader of his medevac crew so he felt no need to socialize outside of that group.
He told himself, it's been three years. It is time to move on and meet someone new. He just had to get through tomorrow, the anniversary of Balthazar's death.
Another turning point a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrists, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life
~Good Riddance – Green Day
