Chapter 4


Author's Note~ Okay so we get Mustang's squad in this chapter. This chapter is pretty calm compared to the last one. If you haven't figured it out yet, this story is basically just pointless crack, so none of it should be taken seriously. Somebody pointed out to me that Ed was a bit too bitchy. I agree with you, he is, but considering the situation, I think it's pretty justifiable. He's a bit calmer in this chapter. Also, we get some ever so slight brotherly fluff and paternal Roy. That's always fun, right?

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, but I do own a Roy Mustang plushie. :3


Hawkeye narrowed her eyes, her guns a constant threat to the lazy staff. Someone had to make sure this paperwork got done. The phone on her superior's desk rang. Before the Colonel could make an excuse to stall his paperwork, she swiped the phone and brought it to her ear.

"Colonel Mustang's office, Lieutenant Hawkeye speaking. What do you need?" she answered brusquely. She almost had a hard time recognizing the voice on the other line at first. She was still adjusting to his human self.

"Alphonse, is that you?" she asked. She got an affirmative response. She listened to his predicament for a few more seconds, sighed, and handed the phone to her superior.

"Colonel, it's for you. It's the Elrics," she said reluctantly.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," he said, snatching the phone from her outstretched hand.

"Oh Alphonse. It's you! I thought for sure it would be the runt chewing my ear off," he said smugly. Hawkeye rolled her eyes. Knowing Edward, he was probably ranting on the other line as he always seemed to have extra acute hearing when it came to comments on his…stature. Just as the thought crossed her mind, she saw Mustang hold the phone away from his face and heard a very angry Edward cursing at the top of his lungs through the receiver. She also heard an irritated Alphonse trying to shoo his brother away and scolding him in the process. Mustang cautiously brought the phone back to his ear.

"So, what's the problem, Alphonse?" he asked, a little more serious. His eyes widened in complete shock and then he dropped the phone. Before she could chastise him, he started laughing. Cackling, really.

"!" he laughed uproariously, falling out of his chair. Hawkeye rolled her eyes. She was pretty sure that this wasn't what the boys needed.

"Sir," she sighed.

"I'm sorry. Really," although his apology wasn't very heartfelt as he was still snickering uncontrollably.

"What the hell's his problem?" Havoc cocked an eyebrow, "Did he finally lose it? It was only a matter of time."

"Alphonse needed advice on girls, and this is how he reacted," she said, glaring at the raven-haired man. Havoc dropped the cigarette, and hurriedly grabbed the phone.

"Hey, Alphonse! Hey, can you put the Chief on the phone?" he said in a friendly but somewhat frantic tone. "Just trust me," he said. By that response, Hawkeye guessed that Alphonse was probably wary. Smart kid.

"Hey, Chief!" Havoc said with a little too much excitement, "Wow, you're certainly pissy today. What the hell happened to you?" He gasped, "Are you serious? You lucky bastard!" Hawkeye was starting to think she didn't even want to know what they were talking about.

"Hey, listen to me, Chief," Havoc said in a low voice so as not to be heard, "You want a little advice? Just say yes!" he paused for a sec, "You don't need to know what they're talking about! All you need to know is to say yes! Just trust me, you'll have a much better time if you do!"

"2nd Lieutenant Havoc!" Hawkeye snapped, "What are you telling him?"

"Whoops, gotta go. Remember! Just say yes," he said quickly, a big, stupid grin plastered on his face.

"Didn't know they had it in them," he said fondly. Hawkeye groaned, putting her head in her hands. Hopefully, those boys would ignore his 'advice'. Sure, they were geniuses, but when it came to the opposite sex, they were completely dense.


Ed hung up the phone, shock and horror written on his face.

"Brother?" Al asked, slightly worried.

"Al," he said calmly, "No matter what those girls ask you, just say no."

"Why?" he asked, slightly fearful.

"Just say no!" Ed snapped.

"Was that seriously Lieutenant Havoc's advice?" Al asked, slightly disbelieving. Everyone knew that Havoc had the potential to be a womanizer…if he could actually get a date.

"Havoc told me to say yes, which is why I'm telling you the opposite," Ed said nonchalantly. Al scrunched his brow.

"But I thought we agreed to follow their advice."

"Think about it. Do you really want to take advice from the man who can't keep a girl for more than a day and who practically oozes desperation from every pore in his body?" Ed deadpanned, arching a thin golden eyebrow.

"Good point," he said defeated. Ed tapped him lightly on the head.

"Let's go," he said monotonously.

"Where are we going?" Al asked.

"The bastard's office," he said briskly, keeping a steady pace. Al had to walk a bit faster than he was used to to keep up.

"Brother," he panted, "Can you slow down?" Ed gave him a quizzical look, and grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry, Al," he said guiltily, "I forgot that you're not up to your full strength yet."

"My strength is fine," Al said stubbornly, "But you're walking really fast. Not to mention I practically had to carry you out here while wearing three layers of clothing in 80 degree weather." He glared at his brother after the last sentence. Ed's eyes darkened with remorse, and he scrutinized his younger brother for a few seconds. He stalked over to Al and threw the younger boy's arm around his strong shoulders.

"W-what are you doing?" Al stuttered in shock.

"Carrying you. What does it look like?" he grunted in response.

"You don't have to do that! I'm fine, really!" he squeaked, his voice cracking horribly. Ed tried not to snicker. Now his brother knew the pains of being a teenager. Puberty's a bitch.

"Shut up, stupid!" he growled, "You carried me here so it's only fair if I carry you to General Asswipe's office! Equivalent Exchange." Even though he was scowling, Al could see the fondness and slight amusement in his eyes. He wasn't as grumpy about it as he made himself out to be. Al smiled slightly at the Equivalent Exchange reference. Even without alchemy, his brother still lived by that phrase.

Ed grunted when he started to walk again. "Damn, Al," he complained, "How much do you eat? I think you've gained 40 pounds since last week!" Al didn't respond and Ed narrowed his eyes when he saw the younger boys sheepish smile.

"Geez, kid," Ed sighed, "You're gonna make yourself sick one of these days."

"Atleast if I do ever get sick, we'll be able to go home," Al joked lightly.

"I hope you don't expect me to take care of you," Ed teased. Al frowned.

"Nah, you don't have to if you don't want to." Ed took in a breath.

"Well, I'm going to anyway, whether you like it or not," he mumbled embarrassed.

"I'm glad," Al whispered, "I'll do the same thing for you."

"Thanks," he muttered. "Oh look, there's HQ!" he pointed out.


Stupid paperwork. Oh, how he hated paperwork. He peeked warily out of the corner of his eye at his lieutenant who was silently doing her own paperwork. Maybe he could take a break, and she wouldn't notice. Who was he kidding? Of course she'd notice! She's the Hawk's Eye. She sees everything. He slumped down in his chair, his eyes feeling droopy. Maybe he could just rest his eyes, just for a moment. He jolted awake when his door slammed open. In walked a familiar golden-haired subordinate of his with his brother.

"Hey, kids," he said lazily, "How was school?" He smirked slightly when Ed sent him a hostile glare. Al looked apologetic and a bit flushed. He sure hoped the younger boy wasn't running a fever. If he was, then as their 'adoptive father', he'd have to incinerate a certain school for making their uniforms too damn hot. Al quickly spread himself out on the couch, basking in the coolness of the leather exterior. Ed plopped down on the other couch, a sort of wistful look on his face as he stared at his brother. He decided to break the tension,

"So, pipsqueak," he started. Ed twitched. "I hear you've been getting seduced. Shocker. I didn't expect you, of all people, to be sex appeal," he stated bluntly. He watched with amusement as both of the boy's faces went beet-red with mortification.

"Uh, actually Colonel," Al cut in shyly, "We were hoping you could tell us what to do. We're not really sure how to act around girls like that."

"Well, I can tell you what not to do," he said cheekily, "Don't listen to Havoc."

"Hey!" Havoc said indignantly.

"Yeah, we already knew that," Ed said impatiently, "We learned that a long time ago." Havoc went into a depression while Fuery tried his best to comfort him. Breda was sidetracked by the sandwich on his desk, and Hawkeye chose to ignore all of them.

"So, what's the big deal, Fullmetal? You have a bunch of girls trying to get in your pants. You're living every teenager's dream," Mustang shrugged. Ed's face was priceless.

"Well, it sure as hell isn't mine, you pervert!" Ed barked.

"Only because you're smaller than most of them. If you were actually a normal size-,"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A RUNTY LITTLE PIPSQUEAK WHO HAS TO STAND ON STILTS IN ORDER TO KISS A GIRL?"

"I never said anything about kissing a girl," Mustang said coolly, "You got someone in mind, Fullmetal?"

"Piss off," he pouted.

"So…uhh…Colonel?" Alphonse asked nervously. Mustang turned his gaze from the fiery blond to his younger brother.

"What is it, Alphonse?" he asked.

"Well…um…Brother and I aren't really interested in that kind of stuff, so do you think you could help us?" Al asked shyly. The Colonel pondered for a moment.

"Well, normally, I would just tell you to just give into your hormones, but I know that's not what you want to hear," he says honestly, "So, for right now, just ignore them as best you can, and let me handle it."

"What are you planning?" Ed asked skeptically. Mustang smirked.

"Just trust me, Fullmetal."


A/N~ Looks like Mustang's got a plan up his sleeve. Betcha that none of you can guess what it is. ;)

Review, please! :D