A/N: Hi! :D I'm still alive, I promise. X3 My muse died, but I resurrected it. That tends to happen a lot… XD But, I have pocky to eat right now so I'm happy and whatnot. Mahaha. –devours-

Voila un disclaimer. Je ne sais pas 'disclaimer' en francaise…

Enjoy, my lovelies, and thank you so much to everybody who reviewed!

--

Raindrops, One By One

Four

It was torture, let me tell you, to have to listen to people talking about when I was going to get married. My mother, complete with dreamy stars in her eyes, would go on and on about some stupid gala wedding. Flowers and cakes and a groom.

A groom? Jesus, I had to try so damn hard to keep myself from gagging at the thought. "Mom, please! You can seriously quit it now."

"Oh, Ino, why not? It's never too early to start planning. Come on, are you sure you don't have a secret boyfriend or something you're hiding from me?" She tittered, oblivious to my misery. "Ah, I know. Are you afraid I might steal him from you?"

"Shit, mom!" I huffed, burying my face in my hands. She never shut up. Ever. A lot of times I found myself wistfully wishing I had a cyanide pill with me so I could just die and never have to hear that crap again. "Damn, quit it! God."

"Ino, watch your mouth." She scolded, frowning. Out of giggly teenager mode and switched back into mother mode…both of which I wasn't so fond of. "Honestly, I don't know what your problem is…" She sighed, more to herself than to me.

"My problem," I raised my voice, "is that I don't want to hear all that sappy shit."

"Ino! Watch your mouth, I said."

"Ugh! Fine, sorry." I groaned. "I don't want to hear all that sappy crap." Shit. Shit. Shit. I'm going to curse if I want to, got it?! So what if it's un-ladylike? Do I fucking care? No. Oh, and by the way, I'm gay. You probably wouldn't find that very ladylike either…

The first few times she's started in about weddings and boyfriends, I'd felt a little bit guilty about it; sort of like I was taking something away from her…like I was robbing her. What with her swooning and glowing and having such yearning in her voice, that's what it seemed like. Finally I decided I couldn't stay guilty like that because wasting my life on a thing that I would be able to stand at all just to make her happy wasn't worth it at all. It wasn't my fault for being born to love Sakura.

Sakura, god… That girl was everything to me. Even if by some miracle I could touch her, I was almost afraid to because she was such an angle it was like I might accidentally break her. Thinking of her lying limp with a broken heart petrified me. I could never let that happen. If ever we would have to break up for some reason, what would happen to our friendship? There was another thing that made me go cold thinking about. Too much of a risk went along with everything, and my only option was to keep dreaming about her.

She was the only reason I kept going to school every goddamned day. The only reason I ever bothered to leave my room.

I loved her, so, so much.

I loved her. I wished so badly I didn't… I did anyway. Oh, I did. But there was no magical pill to numb the searing hot cattle prods in my heart. Nothing to make the swelling of my symptoms go down.

"What do you mean, sappy crap? Teenage girls are supposed to love all of that…when I was your age; boys were all I talked about!"

Mother. Shut up. I was starting to boil over by then. "Mom, look! I don't give a fu—I don't care about boys, mother!"

Another huge sigh rocked her body, and her eyes were almost getting to be angry. I was just to much of a disappointment, I guess. She laughed bitterly, hopelessly. Her tone was almost joking. "What, you're not gay or something are you?"

A cold silence overtook the room, and I blinked with surprise. "How…how did you know?" I stammered without thinking first.

"How did I…?" It was like she didn't hear me, but then a hammer of shock split her face. "Oh god, wait. Oh god… Oh god, you mean you are?" Her hand fluttered up to her heart, and she swallowed, her eyes wide open. "What…what am I going to do now…?"

My throat went dry like someone was choking me from behind. "Fuck, did I just come out?" It rang out very loud in my ears, but it wasn't really much more than a whisper; the tone of a whisper the same as the many I'd put in Sakura's ever-eager ears over the years. Somehow every little thing I did always reverberated back to her… I was so trapped.

"Now what am I supposed to do?" My mother said to the wall, shock still making its long way through her. I sat motionless, dealing with my own shock at how stupid I was. What the hell? I just killed myself. God, I know I did, didn't I? Fuck, why did I say that, why did I say that, I…fuck!

Feeling a major tremor working up in my bones, I stood up, wobbly on my legs. Get out, Ino. Get out and let her calm down…maybe she won't shoot you if you go away for an hour or two, right? Wordlessly, I fled, time going away too slowly for my liking. I shoved my shaking hands into my pockets against the cold early winter chill, scuttling down the sidewalk. Rows of perfect houses watched, and I wondered just how perfect the lives of the people who lived in them really were. I know I wasn't perfect, not at all. Even though I lived in one of those flawless looking houses, I was a total wreck behind my strong face. Let's see…a lesbian with an irrational fear of undead little girls in wells, a shitty geometry student, a lazy bitch who never made any effort to change anything, and an idiot who couldn't stop being an idiot even if they did work up the motivation to try.

Well, at least I had a best friend.

Oops, hang on a moment…

Never mind that last part, because technically she was the base of most my issues.

And, despite several attempts to redirect my feet, I was headed toward her house on auto pilot.

I was such a fucking glutton for punishment, I swear…

--

Standing on her porch, the wind played with my ponytail. I lingered there for a while, weighing my options. Ringing the bell wasn't what I wanted to do; because I was scared seeing her now might make me feel worse. Of course, I didn't need to ring the bell because she'd seen me through a window and was soon bounding to let me in, to my dismay.

"Ino-chan!" She grinned, pulling me in. "What are you doing here?"

"Umm…" I'd been wring, because she lifted up a little of my heaviness. Even so, she still did make me sad since she was so impossible. It was like I was stuck in a room somewhere but with all of the doors locked tightly. There was no moving either way more than the other. "I was just bored…you know how it is. Really boring."

Hardly boring. Things were too exciting for me right now.

"Ew, yeah. I know." She grimaced. "Life is so dull lately, isn't it? But anyway! I actually have to go out in a few minutes, but you can stay until then."

"Oh." Dammit, I never wanted to leave her. It was safer at least to be with her than anyone else. She was never going to hate me. she was never going to find out, so she'd never have the chance to hate me, and I could always be safe with her.

I wish we always could've stayed those two little five year olds, full of stupid naïve innocence, like he used to be. Do you remember that, Saku? Before today, before yesterday, and before the day before yesterday… If I could go back to when times were simple and I knew how to understand them, I wouldn't want to leave again, Sakura…

"I'm volunteering at the retirement home again today." She was saying. I wasn't paying much attention. "It looks good on college applications. Since I want to go in medicine, I figure I'll need all the nice looking stuff I can get…"

"That's good, I guess."

"Some of the old dudes are so creepy, though. They keep staring at my boobs…as if I have any to speak of. They're not as bad as Jiraiya-sensei though. Ugh, Literature is hell every day with him! I can't believe he hasn't been fired yet. Jesus Christ, that man is such a pervert." Sakura shivered at the thought of him. She was right, he was demented and always checking out people. Not even his fellow teachers were spared… "Aw, crap! I'm gonna be late!"

I glanced up. Sakura scrambled to get her coat on and snatch her purse. "See you, then." I got up and hugged her goodbye as we parted ways again.

"See you!"

Her car sped off, and I wished I'd studied harder for my own driver;s test. Yet another thing I'd earned failure in…

Ah, I was so stupid.

--

Going back home to face my mother honestly scared the shit out of me, but I knew I had to get it over with. "Mom?"

She was reclined in the living room, nursing a cup of steaming coffee. "Oh. Ino-chan…" Her voice sounded tired, but not hostile. Better than noting. "I didn't know if you were coming back…you seemed pretty worked up."

I swallowed. "That's because I was. That was the truth about me, mom. I really am…" I had trouble finishing, and I trailed off. "And there's nothing anybody can do about it. I'm…I'm sorry…"

"No, don't be sorry." She sighed, running her fingers down the cup, not looking at me. "If you really think you are, then…then I'll stop bothering you about all of that." She stopped. "Ino-chan, how long have you known?"

I bit my lip. "A long time."

"Oh, Ino." Her head shook limply. "I just wish you would have said something sooner, so I wouldn't be so…whatever I am right now. Shocked? Confused?"

"You aren't mad, are you?"

"Mad?"

"Because this is who I am."

"No, I'm not mad…I just don't know what to do, because my own daughter was too afraid to tell me thing. Does that make me a bad parent…?"
"Of course not!" I split in, my fingernails digging into my palms as I clenched my hands into tense fists.

A little bit of a relieved smile twinkled to life. "Good…" she whispered. "That's what I was afraid of."

That whole incident went off a hell of a lot better than I'd drawn it would in my mind, but I was still riddled with pessimism and utterly beside myself with every fucked up emotion known to mankind. My chest was still twisted up and nervous. No amount of chocolate was going to sedate me. I couldn't breathe easily like I should have. Every breath was strained and longing for her.

Her.

I loved her so, so much.

I loved her. I wished so badly I didn't… I did anyway. Oh, I did. But there was no magical pill to numb the searing hot cattle prods in my heart. Nothing to make the swelling of my symptoms go down.

And so on, and so on.

Endlessly, until I could unlock one of the doors to the room I was trapped in.