Hi there, everyone!
Chapter 4 in CPOV now uploaded! Sorry for the long wait but make no mistake, I will not stop updating this story even though I may update it slower than what you are expecting.
Thank you very much for reading, reviewing and letting me know what you guys make of this so far! I appreciate each comment!
Enjoy!
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Ch. 4
I needed to get out of the house, out of that fucking cage that seemed to suck the air out of my lungs and the strength from my muscles. I needed to get away from those photos, away from her face, from her wounds, from her despair and hollow eyes.
I need to forget, to erase the images burned forever on my brain, to get back to the person I was two hours ago: controlled, confident, the master of my fucking Universe.
It's too late. You already know what you wanted to know.
I got more than I bargained for. Much more than I thought I could get. And I'm starting to regret my decision. Christian fucking Grey regretting his moves. Now that's something new!
I've been trying to cover up the monsters inside me with a blank stare and many hours of overtime to build my empire. All I've ever done was to try and bury my past, run away from it and never remember it. But it all comes rushing back under the cover of night and in the morning when I look at myself, the motherfucker I've turned into. There's no escape when gray eyes look back at me, empty and unflinching.
We should thank Elena for this masterpiece.
It was either this or drinking myself into a grave.
I brush away errant thoughts as I step out of the car, on the opposite side of the Heathman. Truth be told, I shouldn't have left in the first place after my run-in with José Rodriguez. I have a speech to deliver in a few days and a few more meetings with the dean but I let my emotions get the best of me. Another first! I don't do emotions, especially when it comes to business. That's how shit gets blurry and blurry lines never lead to success. I needed to put more space between me and Miss Steele and it turned out that fate didn't want it that way. Nor did I, if I'm being honest. There's a deep ache in my bones, calling out to her, calling out to her pain, to her demons.
You would make quite the pair...
I shake my head to dispel the thoughts. I should stay away from her. I'm not the man for her, not before I knew about her secret and definitely not after I found out.
No, I must stay away.
Then why do you crave her presence so badly?
"Sir, your brother is at the Marble Bar. Would you like to join him?"
Normally, I'd say no and continue my way to the suite but the thought that I'd end up researching Anastasia's photos makes me stop dead in my tracks. What's waiting for me in my suite other than work I can't focus on right now?
"Yeah... why not?"
I need to start thinking about anything else other than Anastasia and what better distraction that my brother's latest escapades to keep me entertained for a few hours? His normal life and mundane topics ground me in a way nothing else seems to. In a way, I guess I envy his life and the choices he makes. It's weird to see his normal bachelor life, with girls hanging off his dick, partying, meeting people without the ingrained fear that someone will make a rash decision and clap him on his back or whatever.
However, as soon as I see my brother, Kate Kavanagh steps in and steals him away. Well, not really away but I can see the interest in my brother's eyes and I really don't want to get in the middle of that.
There goes my plan...
I turn around and head for the bar. A glass of anything would be good at keeping emotions away. And there she is, talking to a man, with a smile on her face and a hand on the stem of her glass.
I can't seem to catch a fucking break! I run to Seattle to get away from last night's memories and she comes looking for me. I come back to Portland and here she is, in the same fucking hotel that I'm staying in! What. The. Fuck?
She's beautiful, though, isn't she?
She is, dressed like a Gothic doll, black shoes, black blouse, skin tight, with black lace and a tight bodice. And her make-up, like a beacon forcing you to look into her sapphire eyes. Into the web that is her soul.
You still want her, Grey.
Yeah, I want her. But I'm also learning that what I want and what I should get are not always the same thing. The selfish part of me would still want her panting beneath me but the realistic part of me knows that it won't happen. I'm willing to bet she hates me right now, for bringing up a past that should have stayed in the past, for making her think about things that should have stayed buried. I pushed and I got what I wanted. I found out what she had been hiding.
But at what price?
I don't know why I'm so attracted to her, like a moth to the flame. There's something about her that pulls me in. But I'm not the man for her. I'm not the man for her.
So you keep saying Grey. But why are you still looking at her?
Unable to control myself, I leave the hotel and stay in my car, just across the street.
You want to see...
Yes, I want to see if she'll leave with the man. If she'll use anyone the way I've been using everyone. But Anastasia surprises me when she leaves with a small smile on her lips, Luke Sawyer in tow, making sure no one gets too close to her. The fucker has her back, gotta admit.
Weird or not, I find myself thinking the same thing: no one should get too close. Not even me. Bitterness sweeps through my veins and my fists clench.
Yes, I should stay away. That's exactly what I'll do.
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"So now that you know, you'll stay away?"
Flynn's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.
Standing in front of a laptop and sharing shit with Flynn is not how I'd planned my morning. The fucker hasn't come back from London yet and I couldn't stay another moment like this: all over the place with no plan or control over the situation.
"Yes."
Even I can hear the doubt in my voice but Flynn only raises an eyebrow and keeps silent.
"You're not curious in the slightest about her?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"She's your female counterpart, isn't she? The female version of all you've ever done: running away from your issues, facing them the best way you knew, pretending your decisions were your alone and no influence was ever... suggested, running away from anyone who could have been there. But there's one thing that she hasn't done yet: she hasn't had a Dom. It's the last step to her becoming."
"You're wrong." I growl, unable to stop the image from appearing before me. Anastasia, at someone's feet, head bowed. My fists clench.
No.
"Really? Let's see. She's not in London anymore but on another continent, forging from scratch a life that's nothing more than a shadow of what she first intended. She's seeing a doctor but there's only so much someone from the outside can help when the inside is set on a destructive path. Her decisions and actions are closely monitored, mostly for her own good but also because she's not trusted at this point to make a decision on her own regarding the future. She's pushed everyone away, anyone that could bring the past in the front row. All she needs now is a Dom to... guide her."
"Guide her towards what?" I find myself asking, even though every cell in my body is screaming at me to stay away from this discussion.
"Towards greater heights or the depths of her personal hell."
His answer leaves me speechless.
"In which one of these two categories do you find yourself, Christian?"
You know it's the second, Grey.
"Why are you telling me this? What she does or doesn't do with her life is not my business."
"You've only come to that conclusion only after you've pieced the puzzle together. It's a bit... convenient, don't you think? You've gotten what you wanted so now you're free to go about your business. Or are you?"
I'm not. I'm still thinking about it. I'm still discussing it with my doctor.
"You claim Elena has been of great help. Yet, there are times when you refer to her as someone who has sunken her claws into you. There are times when you can't stand the mere sight of her. The mere thought that your mother could find out has you blanching. Why is that? Do you see yourself within her or do you see her within you?"
"What does this have to do with anything?"
The moment my question leaves my lips, I already know the answer. Everything has to do with it. Everything has to do with Elena and now it's coming back, full force. I hate her and I'm in great debt towards her.
I'm here because of her.
No, I'm here because of me. Because of my judgment. Because of everything I've worked for.
But without her guidance, I'd be nothing more than another alcohol driven idiot.
"Your attitude towards Elena Lincoln is ambivalent, despite our discussions, despite you knowing what I believe she did to you. Yet, you keep looking at her as though she's your savior. Anastasia Rose Steele is not a wounded little animal, Christian. You can't be her savior anymore than I can be yours."
"I don't want to be her savior."
"Then what is the end goal of finding out everything there was to know even after you saw her scars? What do you want, Christian?"
Now that's a good question. What do I want? Why am I still thinking about her when it's glaringly obvious that we would never be a match? But, then again, I haven't been a match with 16 women before her.
What do I want?
I want to erase these memories from my mind and forget I've ever met her, forget the way she smells, forget the way she looked at me, forget the way she felt in my arms, forget the terror in her eyes. At the same time, though, I think about her almost all the time. She occupies my mind like no one before her. There's something tugging at my insides, telling me that I shouldn't rush to push her memory aside. She draws me in like nothing ever before her.
There's no one else like her.
Anastasia's bravery, her strength... it leaves me in awe of her.
"I think I'd like to pursue her."
Flynn's eyebrows rise into his hairline.
"And just how do you intend to do that?"
"I'll prove to her that I'm worthy of her trust and maybe... maybe I'm worthy of a chance as well."
Flynn smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes. There's doubt there.
"Have you told Elena about Anastasia?"
"No." Not if I can avoid it. "Elena has nothing to do with this and it'll stay that way."
"Why not?"
I suppress a groan. Once in a while we always come back to this point.
"You're delaying the inevitable. What will happen when Elena sees that she no longer has you in her sphere of influence?"
I think back to her e-mail from today when she was asking me about my prolonged stay in Portland. I could have told her it wasn't about business but I chose to lie and say that it was. I chose to keep it away from her.
"Elena knows she's not my Domme anymore. She hasn't been in a long time now."
"Yet, she chose all of your 15 submissives." He continues, taunting me.
"We are friends." I reply, stressing the word friends as though my life depended on it.
"Anastasia doesn't have your friend's stamp of approval. How will that work? You'll keep them away from each other in hopes that they never meet?"
"Yes."
"The truth always comes out, Christian. And the truth is the best foundation for whatever relationship you have in mind. Anastasia has given you her truth, her past. Yet, all you think of is to deceive her."
"So what? Should I go to her and bear my heart out? It'll take her one second to turn her back on me and never look back."
"So you want her to look at you and always know in the back of your mind that you're hiding things from her?"
I keep silent.
"You owe it to yourself to stop this circle of lies. You said it yourself that the BDSM no longer holds any appeal to you. Whether you want to admit it or not, that secret has done you much more evil than good. Now that you're set on putting it behind you, you're not really changing anything. You're exchanging a lie for another lie."
.
Graduation day has me nervous and on edge. It's my chance to talk to her and sort this out. I need to speak to her, to apologize for this shit I've done and hope she can put it behind her. The last thing I need is for Stephen Clayton to have more reasons to hunt down my ass than he already has.
Who are you kidding, Grey? You want to see her again. You're drawn to her, like a moth to the flame.
I grit my teeth and adjust my tie once again. From my seat, I can see her clearly and, judging by the daggers Anastasia's throwing my way, I'm not the only one with a clear view.
Katherine's speech is a breath of fresh air, if I do say so myself. She's taking the boring speech of What Nest After College to new and interesting heights and I have to say, she's managed to get the attention of everyone in here, myself included. As she ends her speech, the crowd erupts with a mix of cheering and applause. Anastasia seems to be her biggest fan if it were to judge by her cheering.
Seeing her like this makes me nostalgic about my years in college. I never finished my studies at Harvard, partly because I was bored out of my mind and partly because I wanted to prove everyone that there was more to me than a bastard, the son of a whore.
And now that you've done that and your presence here is the proof, how does it feel?
Lonely. It feels lonely.
I hear my name announced; the chancellor has introduced me. I rise and approach the lectern.
Showtime, Grey.
"I'm profoundly grateful and touched by the great compliment accorded to me by the authorities of WSU today. It offers me a rare opportunity to talk about the impressive work of the environmental sciences department here at the university. Our aim is to develop viable and ecologically sustainable methods of farming for third world countries; our ultimate goal is to help eradicate hunger and poverty across the globe. Over a billion people, mainly in sub-Saharan Africa, South Asia, and Latin America, live in abject poverty. Agricultural dysfunction is rife within these parts of the world, and the result is ecological and social destruction. I have known what it's like to be profoundly hungry. This is a very personal journey for me.
"As partners, WSU and GEH have made tremendous progress in soil fertility and arable technology. We are pioneering low-input systems in developing countries, and our test sites have increased crop yields up to thirty percent per hectare. WSU has been instrumental in this fantastic achievement. And GEH is proud of those students who join us through internships to work at our test sites in Africa. The work they do there benefits the local communities and the students themselves. Together we can fight hunger and the abject poverty that blights these regions.
"But in this age of technological evolution, as the first world races ahead, widening the gap between the haves and the have-nots, it's vital to remember that we must not squander the world's finite resources. These resources are for all humanity, and we need to harness them, find ways of renewing them, and develop new solutions to feed our overpopulated planet.
"As I've said, the work that GEH and WSU are doing together will provide solutions, and it's our job to get the message out there. It's through GEH's telecommunications division that we intend to supply information and education to the developing world. I'm proud to say that we're making impressive progress in solar technology, battery life, and wireless distribution that will bring the Internet to the remotest parts of the world—and our goal is to make it free to users at the point of delivery. Access to education and information, which we take for granted here, is the crucial component for ending poverty in these developing regions.
"We're lucky. We're all privileged here. Some more than others, and I include myself in that category. We have a moral obligation to offer those less fortunate a decent life that's healthy, secure, and well nourished, with access to more of the resources that we all enjoy here.
"I'll leave you with a quote that has always resonated with me. And I'm paraphrasing a Native American saying: 'Only when the last leaf has fallen, the last tree has died, and the last fish been caught will we realize that we cannot eat money.' "
As I sit down to rousing applause, I resist looking at Anastasia and examine the WSU banner hanging at the back of the auditorium. If she wants to ignore me, fine. Two can play at that game.
The vice chancellor rises to commence handing out the degrees. And so begins the agonizing wait until we reach the S's and I can see her again.
After an eternity I hear her name called: "Anastasia Steele." A ripple of applause, and she's walking toward me looking as though she's rather be anywhere except here.
With god reason, Grey.
Shit.
What is she thinking?
Hold it together, Grey.
"Congratulations, Miss Steele," I say as I give Anastasia her degree. We shake hands, but I don't let hers go. "I want to talk to you, Anastasia." I say softly, aware of the fact that no one should hear to brief conversation with her.
She frowns. Shit! Won't she at least hear me out?
She doesn't. I keep trying to get her attention, keep trying to get her alone so I can speak to her but she's doing everything in her power to stay away from me.
"If she tells you to stay away, you will stay away, Mr. Grey."
Let me tell you something, Luke Sawyer is a scary man when he wants to be. I grit my teeth and watch as she puts more distance between us without looking behind her.
"I only want to speak to her, that's all."
"She denied your request. Multiple times if I'm not mistaken."
"I have to speak to her." I hiss and try to keep my voice even. No need to cause a scene here. The press would have a fucking field day.
"For what? So you can clean your conscience – if you have one – and make her think about that again? Just how self-centered can you get, Mr. Grey? How far do you have to go until you see that your presence here isn't doing her any favors?"
"I won't stop until I speak with her. I can do it here or at her apartment. I don't give a shit as long as I get to talk to her. That's all I'm asking. Five minutes. Can you do that?"
"What makes you think it's up to me?"
"You're the person guarding her."
Luke Sawyer looks at a loss of words for a few seconds before laughing, drawing the attention of a few nearby people.
"You really have no idea, do you? You think I'm here as a loyal dog to keep you away from her? Think again. I've known Anastasia since she was ten years old and there hasn't been a moment in my life when I've done something she didn't want me to do. She calls all the shots here."
"Then why are you here after you found out about the background check?"
Sawyer snorts.
"You believe you're the center of the Universe, don't you?"
I glare at him.
"Contrary to popular belief, I'm not here because you're circling her like a dog. I'm here because the press will be knocking at her door any day now. Surely you must know how that feels."
"The press? What about her kidnapper or kidnappers? Her case is not solved."
Sawyer grinds his teeth and keeps quiet.
"Be at her apartment later today. But, if she tells you to back away, you back away. Got it?"
I nod.
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Seeing her with Ethan Kavanagh is like a punch in the gut. The worst thing is that I can't compete with that. I can't compete with someone who makes her feel at ease in her own skin, who makes her laugh like that and makes her forget. My presence can only bring back memories from a dark place in her past. The thought makes me ball my hands into fists.
However, all playful behavior is thrown out the window as Raymond Steele utters the magic words.
"Your mother called me."
Anastasia transforms before my eyes. From easy going to rigid and cold.
"I don't care."
Her voice has none of the usual warmth and Luke Sawyer has also taken note of this. He shares a look with her father but Raymond looks like he's not done yet. I wonder what this is about and make a mental note to make Welch dig deeper into Carla's past. Maybe it has something to do with her kidnapping.
"Ana..."
"No! I have nothing to say to her. And you should stay away from her if you know what's good for you." Even I don't miss the subtle warning in her voice as she utters the words through clenched teeth.
"She just wanted to know how you were." Her father says, obviously trying to make Anastasia change her mind. Even I know that won't work. Her eyes narrow.
"She probably wanted to know if I have any money to give her. I don't. And even if I did, I wouldn't give her a cent." She spits, drowning the rest of her glass in one gulp, cringing as it slides down her throat.
A minute later, I signal Taylor and we make our way to the car.
"We're staying here for a few more hours. I want to visit Anastasia in a couple of hours."
"Yes, Sir."
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So, what do you think? Looking forward to your comments! ;)
