Chapter 3
Normally, when Bella slept, I just watched her. Her slow intake of breath, her mouth forming the words of her dreams. She was so beautiful. I loved the feel of her next to me, the warmth, the softness. I loved the way she would toss in her sheets and then settle comfortably on my stone chest. I loved to hear her whisper my name.
Normally.
Tonight was a different story. Though all I wanted was to do all of these things. To hold this precious human, I couldn't. I needed to remain distant from her, physically that was impossible, but emotionally...
I stared blankly into the nothingness around me. The misery that had consumed me had erased all physical things in the room. I was not sitting on a bed. That was not a rocking chair creaking as the wind from the window slowly rocked it back in forth. There was nothing, and yet there was everything. In the hazy mist of my agony there was something so hot that almost burned my skin. It radiated a light so bright it almost pushed away the haze and illuminated the room again. But there was something holding the light in, refusing to let it permeate and push away the fog that held in my misery.
The knowledge that in only 4 short more hours, I would say goodbye to Bella forever, and I would never feel that heat, or see that brilliant light again. She would be gone, she would be brightening someone else's world.
I saw flashes of Bella, sitting on this bed laughing with Mike Newton. He held her hand and tucked her hair behind her ear. Bella closed her eyes and smiled, elated by his touch and the love that I wished I could feel for Bella radiated from his eyes.
This vision both hurt and infuriated me. I wanted to jump from the place I lay, run to the Newton's home and destroy the worthless boy who would surely take my place. I didn't want to think of Bella in the arms of someone else. Cuddling with him while watching Romeo and Juliet, laying on his chest throughout the night, opening her birthday presents next year with him. But that was the catch. Next year she would have another birthday and if she cut herself again, she would be in no danger. And that's was exactly what I really wanted, Bella to be safe. And she never would be as long as I was with her.
The decision was made. It was final. When the sun rose and her eyes opened I would tell her goodbye, meet my family and disappear. She would be heartbroken but how long would that last? She'd need to stay home from school to cry it out and then she'd pick up and move on. If I came back next month would she already be with Mike or Eric or any other hollow place holder who could never love her the way I did?
Thinking about Bella with someone else brought the anger boiling up again, so I decided to think about what I was going to say to her in the morning. Would I just tell her goodbye and not come back? No, that was cruel and it would never work. She'd come looking for me and with her luck she'd fall and break her spine or be crushed by something or eaten by a bear or any other ridiculous thing that could only happen to Bella.
I needed something that would keep her from coming to look for me. I would never be able to convince her that she didn't want me, she was too stubborn for that. I needed something that was out of her control. Could I convince her that I was the one who didn't want her?
I seriously doubted that. I'd spent the last five months pouring my heart out to her. Telling her every second that I loved her. That I couldn't live without her. That there was no reason to exist if she didn't. It would take me hours, days even, of persuasion for her to even question my love for her.
I liked that. Surely it wouldn't hurt if I stayed behind in Forks for just one more day. Just long enough for me to convince her that I didn't love her. It would make it easier for her when I left, easier for her to get over me and move on with her life. And surely she wouldn't be in too much danger if my family left and it was only me that stayed behind. But how would I say it?
"Bella I don't love you."
It didn't sound like a lie, it sounded incoherent. Like something that had been crudely translated from another language and didn't quite make sense. The words just didn't fit in that order. I reworked them but it still didn't make sense. There was just no way for me to actually say I didn't physically need Bella in order to live.
She tossed again in her sleep and it awoke me from my thoughts. I stared down at her and as soon as my distraction flitted away the misery tightened around me again. I couldn't shake it this time. It blocked all of my thoughts. It filled me, suffocating me. I yearned for some release. If I was a human I could cry, let the misery poor out of me in glorious wet salty tears, but I couldn't. I wanted to scream, to cry out in agony but I would wake Bella, and she must not know how deeply I was hurt. She must believe I didn't love her.
It was hours before I could fight through the pain enough to smooth my expression. Once I was sure it was completely erased from my features, I set my face like stone. There was a dull gray light beginning to peak through the window. When the sun rose, it would cast it's light through the window and wake Bella. Then I would leave as quickly as possible to find away to release my pain. I sat with my stone expression willing the sun to rise faster.
When it finally lit the dim room enough to wake Bella I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead and bolted from the window. I couldn't bring myself to speak to her. If I moved my stony face at all, I would lose the battle against my agony and she would know. Once outside of the window I ran as fast as I could into the trees. I ran faster and faster, trying to out run the misery, but it was no use. Finally I came to a cliff face and leaned against the granite mountain. I growled deeply and then I shoved my fist through the hard rock. Again and again. I was beginning to tunnel into the mountain. When I had pounded my way seven feet into the surface of the rock, it became unable to support the weight on top of it and caused a rock slide. I walked to the several soccer ball sized rocks and one giant bolder that had fallen and quickly pummeled them into sand.
When I had finished I took off again, in the direction of my house. I refused to allow any thoughts to come into my head because I knew if I did, they would be of her and the misery would return.
When I arrived at my house, Alice, Rosalie and Emmett were sitting on the front porch waiting for me. Rosalie looked up as I came into view and when she saw it was me she jumped up brightly.
"Alright, all set, lets hit the road." she said, positively beaming.
I growled.
"Touchy." She said and skipped to her BMW M3.
Emmett stood up slowly, placed his hand on my right shoulder, perhaps gripping it a little to hard, and nodded. He got in his jeep behind Rosalie who had turned the radio and and was gleefully looking at her reflection in the rear-view mirror.
Alice wouldn't look at me. I moved towards her but she didn't move.
"Alice, I..." I started.
She glared at me with loathing in her eyes. "You're staying an extra day, yeah, I know."
"Alice, it has to be this..."
She cut me off again, her voice was full of venom. "Don't bother Edward, I get it, okay?"
She glared at me disgustedly turned around and walked into the house. I followed her but when I got into the house she had disappeared up the stairs. I walked into my room and found that Esme had already packed it for me, Alice must have told her I would be staying behind for a day because one change of clothes was laid out on the black couch. I changed quickly and went downstairs, hoping to see Alice there. I was already being crushed by my own misery, I didn't need her to hate me too.
She wasn't there. I looked around at the familiar sight of all our furnishing covered in white sheets. We wouldn't take our furniture, there was no point. We had no house in mind yet and perhaps one day, when those who remembered us were dead and buried, we would return and start again. At least my family would. When Bella died, so would I.
I walked into the kitchen and found Carlisle staring out the back window. He didn't move when I entered though I know he knew I was there. I opened my mouth to say something but he lifted his hand to stop me. He just stared out the window.
I walked to stand next to him, to see what he was seeing. It was Esme. She sat by the stream that ran by our house holding a pink rose from Bella's party the night before. Her head was bowed and her eyes were closed. When she opened them again, she lifted her head and looked sadly around at the trees that used to protect our home. Esme loved it here, and she loved Bella. It wasn't in her nature to leave behind the things she loved and this was breaking her heart. She lifted the pink rose and softly touched one of it's pedals, then she laid it in the water and watched it float away. Her chest convulsed the way it did when she was trying to cry, but couldn't. She stood up, and sadly walked around to the front of the house where Emmett and Rosalie were waiting.
Carlisle rested his hand against the window. It was hard for him to see Esme grieve. If he could he would have shouldered all of the pain this was causing her, but he couldn't. Before he turned to meet her in the yard he looked at me, and disappointment filled his eyes.
This hit me like a blow. I knew he was not disappointed because I couldn't control myself enough to be around Bella, or that I was making the whole family move. He was disappointed in me because he didn't agree with my decision. He thought I was wrong and my wrong choice was hurting those he loved.
I walked outside. Bella would be arriving at school shortly and it would worry her even more if I wasn't there to greet her like I always was. Carlisle was holding Esme, rubbing her arm and whispering something into her ear. Emmett sat in his Jeep, his face stone and Rosalie was in front of him, her engine already purring as she fluffed her hair in the mirror.
Alice stormed past me, out towards Carlisle's Mercedes. Her movements, which usually seemed like dancing, were now fierce and hard, like a storm. She kicked a pebble that was on the edge of the stairs and sent if hurling through the air far enough away that I couldn't hear it land. When she reached Carlisle's car she opened the back door, shot one look of pure hatred back at me, got in and slammed the door shut behind her so that the glass rattled.
I walked towards Carlisle and Esme and she wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug.
"Are you sure you're doing what's best?" She whispered.
"It's the only way." I replied, defeated.
She hugged me a little tighter and the pulled away, looking me in the eyes.
"I won't say hurry, I know I need your time. But when you do leave, please come to us. Don't go off on your own and wallow in misery. You'll need your family, and we'll need you too. We love her too." She smiled and kissed me on the forehead and stepped into the front seat. Carlisle walked to the drivers side, opened the door softly and looked at me.
"Straight do Denali, please don't make Esme worry about you on top of everything."
"I will." I promised.
Rosalie pulled away as soon as Carlisle's door closed, Emmett close behind her. Carlisle began to follow but stopped abruptly only a few feet from where he had been parked. The back window rolled down. Alice's face echoed the pain that I felt, though I knew it was no where near as strong as the agony that filled me.
"Please," She begged. "Please tell Bella I love her. And that I'm sorry."
"I can't. She can't know how this is hurting us, or she'll come after us." I said.
Her eyes fell, defeated and she rolled the window up as the black Mercedes pulled down the drive. They were gone.
I went to my Volvo and peeled down the driveway. I threw my anger into the speed of my car as I drove towards Forks High School This isn't what I wanted. I didn't want Esme to be hurting or Alice or Emmett. I didn't want Carlisle's disappointment or Jasper's shame. I wanted it to be the way it was two days ago, before I had ruined everyone's lives. But it couldn't be like that, it would never be like that. I couldn't make Bella happy here and I couldn't make my family happy anywhere else. I started to envy how easy it was for humans to die again.
I parked in my usual spot and waited for Bella. It took longer for her to get here than usual, which I realized was because it didn't take me as long as it usually did. When she did arrive, her face was full of concern, almost fear. I didn't know if I was going to be able to do this. I could hardly handle Esme and Alice's grieving. Bella's worried face almost defeated me.
I resumed my stony expression and reminded myself to be impassive when I opened her door.
"How do you feel?" I asked.
"Perfect." She said, always the terrible liar.
I walked next to her, but we were like strangers. We didn't talk, we didn't touch, we just walked. When we got to class, I sat next to her, but I didn't reach for her hand or turn to look at her. I focused my eyes on the teacher, though I did not hear a single word he said. It took all of my energy to remain emotionless.
As the morning passed, the apprehension on Bella's face grew. When we walked into the lunch room, I put food on the tray without even looking at what it was. It didn't matter though, when we sat down Bella didn't touch it and I was too focused to protest. Her eyes scanned the room. When she saw Conner and Ben walk into the cafeteria her face fell and she turned to me.
"Where's Alice?" She said.
I crushed the granola bar on the tray into powder. "She's with Jasper." I lied.
"Is he okay?"
"He's gone away for awhile." A very long while.
"What? Where?" She asked, alarmed.
I couldn't tell her the truth. If she knew where we were, she would come looking for us. I settled for, "No where in particular."
"And Alice, too." She said, her voice disappointed.
"Yes, she'll be gone for awhile. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali." I figured I could allow this much. I didn't expressly say that's where my whole family was.
She swallowed and a look of pain crossed her face.
"Is your arm bothering you?" I asked.
"Who cares about my stupid arm?" She asked disgustedly.
I didn't say anything and she put her head in her arms on the table. We didn't speak for the rest of the day. I just walked mechanically to each of my classes trying my best to keep the pain off of my face.
I walked with her to her truck after the final bell. She turned to me.
"You'll come over later tonight?" She asked, actually giving me a choice.
"Later?" I asked, surprised she wouldn't want me there without Charlie so she could bombard me with questions.
"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off." she said.
"Oh." I said, emotionless.
"So you'll come over when I'm home though, right?" She asked nervously.
Of course I would. I was going to break her heart tonight.
"If you want me to." I said. I had to remain impassive. She must believe I had stopped loving her.
"I always want you." She said forcefully.
"All right, then." I said, the same stony tone in my voice. I shut her door and went to my Volvo, speeding out of the parking lot before I could run back to her and ruin my plan.
I drove up the drive to my house automatically. When I got out, I saw myself reflected in the dark windows. I walked up the steps and opened the door. It felt so empty. My footsteps seemed to echo as I walked down the hall. I could turn on the TV or maybe play my piano, but I had a feeling the lonely noise that only I would be making would be worse than the deafening silence.
I walked out of the house and stood on the porch, trying to think of a distraction before my mind could wander to Bella and crush me with the emptiness. I decided to run again. No where in particular, just to be doing something. I weaved in and out of trees, jumped over rocks and streams, all the while keeping my mind blank.
I caught the scent of a deer and thought briefly of hunting, but there was no fire in my throat although I'm sure my eyes were burning black. I felt no desire for anything, not blood, not air... The only thing I wanted in this entire world was Bella.
As I thought her name I felt a hard blow that signaled the start of the pain. I continued to run, this time with a destination in mind. A place where I could be alone with my misery.
When I reached the meadow, I fell into the soft, wet grass, curling into a ball and shrieking with agony. I writhed on the ground trying to fight the weight of the heartbreak that would be complete that evening. When I accepted that I could not get away from the agony, I lay still and took the punishment.
This was what I deserved for every moment I had spent with Bella. Every second I had endangered her life. Every inch I had pulled her into my world. I was in pain because I deserved it, and I didn't care. I wouldn't have traded one minute I had spent with her to alleviate this pain even one degree.
As I began to accept the pain, welcome it even, it began to fade. But it didn't leave me feeling relieved or joyed, I felt numb. There was nothing now. No happiness or sadness. No pleasure or pain. I was completely void of everything.
I stood up and ran back to my house, my face echoing the numbness I felt. This was a different kind of emptiness. It didn't threaten to crush me, but it was worse. Suddenly, I found myself wishing again for the pain.
When I arrived, I got into my Volvo and drove towards Bella's house. I was not speeding, I was idling at a perfectly acceptable 50 mph down the highway towards Forks. This did not bore me as it normally should, I was impartial. I turned the corner onto Bella's street and parked my car in front of Charlie's house.
Charlie answered the door and was not surprised to see me standing there.
"Chief Swan." I greeted him politely, I smiled, but I wasn't sure if it was believable. I wasn't sure of any emotion anymore, like I'd forgotten how to feel them.
He stepped aside to allow me to walk past him into the living room. I sat in the arm chair, vaguely hearing his offer for dinner. I shook my head and focused my eyes on the TV. I saw the shapes moving but did not register what they were saying or holding. I heard the music from the TV but could not place it with the appropriate sport. I just stared, trying to make any noise or movement when Charlie did, but it was hard to concentrate. I hoped he didn't notice.
I don't know how long we sat together before I heard her truck pull into the driveway. Time it seemed had lost all relativity. I heard her walk up the steps and open the door.
"Dad? Edward?" she called.
Charlie said something, but it was just as muddled as the noise from the TV. As soon as I caught her scent as sudden warmth began to permeate the numbness. I felt the glorious relief of it wash over me, and then I cursed it. Would it ever be easier to leave her? I found myself making excuses to stay. Just one more day and then I'd be gone, but I needed just one more day.
I tried to justify this to myself. I needed to stay one more day to... keep appearances around school. No, Carlisle had already quit his job, I was supposed to have already left. I needed to... make sure people stayed away from our house, to keep it from being broken into... No, that was outrageously far reaching. I panicked as I realized there was no logical reason for me to stay, that it had to be tonight.
Charlie was talking again but I couldn't distinguish his words.
"Okay." Bella replied to whatever Charlie had said. I turned to look at her, seeing her so clearly, perfectly in the fog of my depression.
"I'll be right behind you." I said, smiling politely.
I saw something flicker in her eyes then. What was it? She stepped into the kitchen, fumbling around and then went up the stairs. I sat, analyzing what I had just seen on her face, but I couldn't place it with anything.
I went back to searching for reasons to remain in Forks. Bella would need to see my indifference just a little while longer. If I told her tonight that I didn't love her, she would never believe me. And when I finally was able to convince her after hours and hours of lying, it would hurt her more because I hadn't separated myself from her enough.
This is how I justified it.
I sat with Charlie, once again no longer able to register time passing, staring at the blurred figures on the screen. Bella came down finally, with her camera in her hand. I didn't turn to look at her as I heard her approach the room. If I was staying behind to distance myself from her, then that's what I was going to do.
"Completely indifferent." I told myself.
She leaned around the corner and snapped a picture of us.
"What are you doing, Bella?" I finally heard from Charlie.
"Oh come on." Bella said, "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."
"Why are you taking pictures of me though?" He complained.
"Because you're so handsome. And because since you bought the camera, You're obligated to be one of my subjects." She smiled.
Oh how I loved that smile.
"I knew Renee should have bought the camera." Charlie mumbled, incoherently.
"Hey, Edward." She said turning to me. "Take one of me and my dad together."
I caught the camera she threw in my direction, showing no emotion on my face. She knelt by the couch next to Charlie and looked in my direction.
"You need to smile, Bella." I said.
She did, sort of.
"Let me take one of you kids." Charlie said, gesturing for the camera.
I stood up and tossed the camera to him as Bella came to my side. I breathed in her glorious scent, no fire, no burn.
I was careful with my posture as we positioned ourselves for the picture. I placed my hand on her right shoulder and stood still. She wrapped her arm tightly around my waist and pushed herself up against me. The warmth soaked through me.
"Smile, Bella." Charlie said. He flashed the picture and shoved the camera deep into the couch.
"Enough pictures for tonight." He said, "You don't have to use the whole roll now."
She lingered next to me for a minute, her heart beating irregularly and then moved to sit against the sofa. I sat back in my chair and focused my eyes on the television once again, doing everything I could not to look at her.
Her heartbeat was very fast and, in my peripheral vision, I saw her shaking. She was starting to notice something was wrong. I felt a wave of hatred of myself as I saw her tremble with worry. Worry that I caused. Worry that I would soon turn into heart break. I was a monster.
The TV show ended and I stood up. She followed me to the door, and then out to my car when I didn't stop.
"Will you stay tonight?" she asked, defeated.
"Not tonight." I said, feeling terrible that my plan was actually working.
I drove home at the unusually slow pace I had when I had driven to Bella's house. Now that she was gone the empty numbness had taken over again.
When I pulled in front of the dark house, I got out of the car and walked at human pace up the steps and into the living room. I didn't turn on any lights, I didn't turn on the TV or do anything to make sound. I curled up on the rug in front of the sofa and thought of Bella.
Thinking of her had a similar effect as being around her. The haze around me softened and I felt warmth, though not the same warmth that radiated from her perfect skin.
I looked to my cell phone, and set an alarm for when I would need to awake from my stupor and drive to school, then I curled up let the misery wash through me.
When my phone buzzed, I stood up, walked to my room, quickly changed and then headed off for school. I had decided that I wasn't going to leave today either. Today, after school, I would start a trial separation. The second I got home, I was going to run, and I wasn't going to stop until the next morning. I wouldn't think, I would just run. This is how it was going to be when I left. Meaningless distraction, after meaningless distraction until the day I went to Italy and asked for death.
I got to school and waited for her once again, showing no signs of happiness when she pulled next to me. I didn't hold her hand on the way to class. I didn't look at her through the lecture.
In English, she just stared at me and I looked at Mr. Berty, though I didn't listen to whatever it was he said. He called Bella's name and that got my attention.
"Uh, could you repeat the question?" Bella asked, caught off guard when she heard her name.
"In Act 1, Scene 3, What does Lady Capulet ask Juliet to do?'
Her eyes were almost glazed over. "I'm sorry." She said, embarrassed, "One more time."
He repeated the question.
"To consider Paris as a husband." I whispered to her quickly.
She repeated what I told her and Mr. Berty continued his lecture. She looked at her hands for the rest of the period and I went back to staring at the board.
I didn't speak to her once throughout the rest of the day and when lunch came, I acted as though she wasn't there. I picked food without looking at it and walked next to her to our regular table. She tripped walking around the table and I reached out to steady her. She looked at me hopefully but I kept my face impassive. Her face fell.
She didn't eat and I didn't protest, I was supposed to not care. I hadn't told her I loved her in three days and the words were burning to come out. I mangled a fork under the table.
"Hey Jess?" Bella asked, her voice surprised me and I looked up.
"What's up, Bella?" Jessica responded, not at all put off by the fact that this was the first time they had spoken in a week.
"Could you do me a favor? My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, okay?"
She was trying to keep the attention off of herself. Bella's camera was passed around the table as her friends laughed carelessly and took pictures of each other. Bella and I sulked.
After school I walked her to her car, still not speaking. I didn't even say goodbye as she got into her truck and drove away.
I drove to my house, took off my jacket and took off to the east. I was running as fast as I could, zipping through trees. I ran through the woods around Port Angeles and followed the road east, careful to stay out of sight of the humans, though I doubted their vision would even be able to register me. I swam across the hood canal, drying as I ran past Port Gamble and Kingston, diving into the sound and swimming towards Edmonds.
I ran past Seattle and Redmond and Bellview and through Snoqualmie pass. Away from the cities, I stop to check the time. I had left Forks an hour and forty five minutes ago and I had run 280 miles. At this rate I was going to be halfway across the country come nightfall, I didn't want to be too far away. What if Alice called and something happened to Bella.
This almost made me turn around but I couldn't. I flipped open my cell phone and began to dial her number, but I closed it. Frustrated I growled and took off again.
I only noticed towns pass sparingly so I stayed by the highway to keep track of where I was, Ellensburg, Othello and Colfax quickly rushed by in the next hour and a half and soon I was greeted by cougar banners as I entered Pullman. I brushed past Washington State University and entered Idaho. Slowing to a human paced run I moved to the jogging path and ended up at the University of Idaho. I looked down for the time again.
Six PM. I had run across the entire state of Washington in 3 hours. I decided to walk around campus trying to waste time and think of something more logical to do, running wasn't going to do it. I was running the fastest I ever had and at this rate I'd make it to the Atlantic Ocean by sunrise, though I'd have turned around before then. I had to be back in the Forks High School parking lot before Bella arrived.
I walked up a slight hill towards a building that looked like an old church cathedral and sat on a cement block next to the library. Now that the speed had stopped, my thoughts were catching up to me and the haze set back in. I began to read the people's thoughts around me as a distraction.
"My accounting mid-term is going to kill me. I don't have enough hours to study."
To mundane.
"We're going to destroy BSU this year! I-D-A-H-O, Idaho, Idaho Go, Go GO!"
To meaningless.
"What do you want to do tonight, Janel?"
"I don't know. Get out of the dorm for sure. I need to stop thinking about Kyle."
"Want to go party over at D Sig tonight?"
"Sure. Tara, why is he such an asshole?"
"We're not thinking about him remember?"
I turned to see two girls, blonde and brunette walking out of the building on my right and down the hill. Midterms, rivalries, parties and meaningless relationships? The thoughts of college students were not going to hold my interest. I walked away from the two girls, down the hill and past the Greek houses. I watched a bulky, hairy human carrying alcohol into one of the houses and looked at the name.
Delta Sigma Phi. This must have been the house those girls had been talking about. I walked through Moscow, considering running down to Boise but it held no interest for me. I found myself pointed back towards Pullman before long.
I was running again. Faster and faster. The lights of Pullman were far behind me and I dove into the Columbia river. Darkness was falling as I approached Seattle again. I slowed looking at the time. I was going to be back in Forks in about an hour this way, Bella wouldn't even be in bed yet, and if I knew she was awake, what would stop me from running to her bedroom window and waiting for her?
I ran north towards Edmonds to purchase a ticket for the Ferry. At least this would add about half and hour to my journey.
The lady at the ticket office seemed confused that I only wanted a one way and had no car, but she smiled at me and I boarded the boat. I went out on the deck and felt the wet air on my face. I looked at the sun setting over the water and thought of Bella. How she would have loved this trip. To see Seattle and this sunset. I felt a jolt in my stomach and tried to turn my thoughts away. I hated that I couldn't even think of her. She was all I wanted.
When the fairy docked in Kingston I took off again navigating my way easily through the dark woods. I decided to doddle a bit in Port Angeles. I went into a store and bought something for Alice and Esme. When my watch reached ten PM I ran the rest of the way back to Forks and instead of turning up my drive I continued on until I turned the corner onto Bella's street. Her light was on.
I climbed the side of her house and looked through her window. She was sitting on her bed with pictures and a scrapbook in front of her. She had laid three pictures in front of her, and I was desperate to see what they were.
She picked up the first and stared at it warmly, a smile creeping to her lips. The second one she was not so happy with. She looked at it and frowned, hurt in her eyes. She set it down and picked up the third. She was not sad looking at this one as she had been with the last, nor was she happy as she was with the first. She look disgusted. She folded the picture in half and only then did I see what it was. It was the picture Charlie had taken of the two of us the night before. I didn't blame her, I would be disgusted at me too.
She put the picture in the album and slammed the cover closed. With desperation, she shot one glance at the window and I moved out of the way before she could see me. I knew that look. She was waiting for me. Guilt consumed me as she pulled her covers down and got into bed.
When she fell asleep I crept through her window and grabbed the album. I looked down at the pictures.
I saw the picture she had folded in half, me side up. This didn't make sense to me... She had looked at the picture with such revulsion. I stared at my sleeping Bella. Could she love me still, despite the terrible things I had done to her over the past few days. I didn't deserve her.
I spent the rest of the night watching her toss and turn, wanting desperately to slide into the bed and hold her in my arms, but I kept my distance.
When the sun came up I crept out the window and ran to my car. Today had to be the day. I would make no more excuses. I picked up my phone and dialed.
"Hello." Alice's voice came coldly from the other end.
"I"m calling to tell you that I will be arriving tonight."
"I know." she said, shortly.
I was relieved. So it would be today then, I wouldn't be able to talk myself out of it.
"I just wanted to make sure I didn't make anymore excuses." I explained.
"Yeah, I wish someone would have allowed me to make some excuses." She hung up the phone.
I was going to have to patch things up with Alice, it was unbearable to have her mad at me. I racked my brain for ideas, but nothing came to mind. I knew all to well that Bella was irreplaceable.
Bella's face seemed relieved when she pulled into the parking lot, but my stony expression quickly washed away all hope. Truth be told, I was hoping she wouldn't have had that reaction.
I was silent all throughout school and as I walked her to her car I saw her eyes racking her brain to think of something to say. I didn't want to hear it, I was leaving, today, it was final.
She turned to me and opened her mouth but I cut her off.
"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked.
"Of course not." She replied, relieved.
"Now?" I asked again.
"Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way, I'll meet you there."
I took the letter from her. "I'll do it." I began and I smiled. "And I'll still beat you there."
"Okay." She said unsmiling. That was good. I shut her door and headed for the post office. I drove to the outside drop off, slid the letter in the blue box and headed off towards Bella's house.
I beat her by 3 minutes and I smiled to myself when I heard her engine pulling around the corner. I immediately wiped the smile off my face, this was going to be hard enough.
I walked to her truck as she pulled up to the house and took her book bag from her, placing it in the back seat. She looked at me confused.
"Come for a walk with me." I said, taking her by the hand.
I lead her to the trees by her house, that I had once sat in and watched her read Jane Austin. I didn't want her to be too far into the woods, or she would get lost when I had left. I stopped with the house in view.
"Some walk." She said.
I let go of her hand and walked to a tree, leaning against it, I kept my face blank. How was I going to say this?
"Okay. Lets talk." She started.
I took a breath.
"Bella, we're leaving." I said. Don't give her a choice, that was a good way to start.
She breathed in too. "Why now? Another year-"
I cut her off. The offer of more time was more than I would be able to handle.
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty and he's claiming thirty three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."
She looked at me confused and I stared back at her, keeping my face cold and hard. The numbness started to set in again and her warmth was doing nothing to keep it away. I knew this was it. I was about to lose control.
Realization swept across her face. "When you say we-" She began.
"I mean my family and myself." A small pleading voice exploded inside of me.
Though I'd give anything for it to be you and me Bella. I love you and I always will.
She shook her head, not grasping what I had just said. It was a full minute before she spoke again, and when she did her voice was cracking.
"Okay, I'll come with you."
"Please, please come with me. Never make me leave your side." The voice inside me begged.
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going... it's not the right place for you."
Because you'll always be in danger anywhere I am.
"Where you are is the right place for me." She pleaded.
"I'm no good for you, Bella."
The voice inside had no response for that, it was the truth.
"Don't be ridiculous. You're the best thing in my life." She begged.
"My world is not for you." I said, frowning.
"What happened with Jasper- That was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She said, frantically.
"You're right," I began. " It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised!" She screamed. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"
I couldn't handle the pain in her voice. It hurt me worse than I had expected, and I had though that would have been impossible.
"As long as that was best for you." It was never best for her.
"No!" She yelled angrily. "This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!"
I couldn't handle this, I was a monster. I could feel the pain radiating off of her. I needed a new approach, this wasn't working.
I took a deep breath, this was going to be the hardest lie yet. The hardest lie I'd ever told. The hardest lie ever spoken on this earth. It was complete blasphemy, and I'd never forgive myself for saying the words I was about to speak.
"Bella," I started, though my silent heart was breaking. "I don't want you to come with me." If I could have been stabbed, could have felt a skull crushing blow, could have been torn apart slowly with a chainsaw, the pain would not be equal to what I was feeling now.
"You...don't...want me?" She said, finding what I had tried to say and sounding confused. This wasn't going to work. She knew that she was my only reason to exist, I tried to go on anyway. I had expected this to take hours, hadn't I?
"No." It was all I could say.
She stared into my eyes, trying to find the joke. I stared back cold and hard. It was all I could do to keep from falling to the wet ground, crippled with pain.
"Well," She said finally. "That changes things."
I couldn't believe it. Would she really let me get off the hook this easily? How could she possibly accept that as an answer? I immediately cursed myself for uttering those words because as I looked in her eyes I saw that she had believed them. Why had I chosen this way to do it? I couldn't stand to look at her. Of course I loved her! There was nothing on the earth that I cared about a fraction of the amount that I loved her! I was angry at her for believing my lie. I took that anger and used it to speak clearly. It was the only emotion I had but the crippling pain.
I looked away from her. "Of course I'll always love you... in a way." I refused to leave allowing her to believe that the months I had spent worshiping her would be a lie. But I couldn't allow that need for her to understand my lie to ruin my departure.
I continued. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. because I'm... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human." I looked back at her.
"I've let this go on much to long and I'm sorry for that." Really truly sorry.
I wanted to melt to her feet and beg her forgiveness. Confess my love. Tell her I would never leave her but I couldn't. If I was human, I'm sure I would be dying, my heart breaking.
"Don't" She whispered, begging, tears coming. "Don't do this."
I stared at her.
"Of course not, Bella. I'll be with you forever. You and I, that's how it's going to be. I love you and nothing else in the world matters."
"You're not good for me, Bella."
She tried to speak but couldn't. I waited, not breathing. Hoping desperately for a retaliation. For her to refuse to believe my lie and cling to the truth.
"If that's what you want." she said.
I couldn't say anything, I just nodded.
"I would like to ask one favor though, if that's not too much." I said.
"Always know that I love you more than anything."
"Anything."
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid." I said. It wasn't a request, it was a command. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
She nodded.
"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course." I added, "He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him."
"For me."
She nodded. "I will." She said weakly.
I swallowed. "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time that you see me. I wont come back. I wont put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed.
She started to shake. I wanted to hold her, but I was frozen.
"Don't worry." I said. "You're human, your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
She looked up at me. "And your memories?" She choked out.
"Well."
"I'll never stop thinking about you, even for one second, for my entire existence."
"I wont forget, but my kind...we're very easily distracted."
I smiled and stepped away from her, the smile was for her, the distance was for me. Every muscle in my body seemed to be stretching out for her.
"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."
"Alice isn't coming back." She said, it wasn't a question.
I shook my head. "No, they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you good-bye."
"Alice is gone?" She asked, her voice almost gone.
I felt terrible. This is what Alice had been afraid of, why she hated me now. "She wanted to say goodbye." I said quickly, "But I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."
She swayed slightly. I couldn't hurt her anymore.
"Goodbye, Bella." I said, turning away.
I love you.
"Wait!" She yelled. She stumbled forward, reaching out for me.I wanted nothing more than to reach back to her. To take her in my arms and hold her. Wipe the tears away but I couldn't.
I reached for her hands and pinned them to her side. I brushed my lips across her forehead wishing I could cry too. To have the release that she did.
"Take care of yourself." I breathed.
And then I left.
I made wide arch around her house and bolted up to her room. I took the CD out of the player, put it in the case and grabbed the pictures of me from her scrapbook. I wrenched up the floorboard and placed the things inside and quickly replaced the wood. I would help her erase all memories of me.
I looked around the room one last time and memories of sitting on the bed, watching her sleep ran over me. I breathed in her scent, deeply, absorbing it into every pore of my body. I needed to remember her scent. I left the room, got in my car and drove away.
Still holding the sweet smelling air from her room.
That's when the real pain hit.
