Chapter 4 - What Hurts the Most
He dragged his feet as he passed through the doorway to his home. His eyes unfocused at the ground, not wanting to look up, not wanting to face what was coming next.
No matter how much he didn't want to admit it to himself, Goku knew that Vegeta was right. If Chichi really cared for him at all, even a little, it wouldn't be this bad. It should never be this bad. Something needed to be done, even if it meant losing her.
It was late, probably close to midnight. Chichi was still up, he could hear the water running in the kitchen. He dragged his feet, forcing himself forward. It was time to face this - he'd never been this nervous before, no battle could compare to the one in his heart. No pain he felt could match the ache in his chest.
"I was wondering if you were going to come home this time." Chichi said without turning away from the sink. Her voice was cold and burned with disgust. "Did you enjoy yourself?"
"Enough." Goku said, his voice barely audible, almost to himself, he stared at the ground - his hands fidgeting with his pant legs. He had to keep up his nerve.
A plate snapped in the sink, breaking the heavy silence in the air. "Excuse me?" Chichi asked, hands shaking and brows knit in frustration. "You've had enough? How do you think I've felt all these years? After all you've put me through?" She turned to Goku glaring venomously.
"I do the things I do because I love you. My life has been protecting this world and you. I still love you- but you yell and hurt me every chance you get." Goku's voice rose slightly in pitch, he was shaking. "I want to make us better. But I don't know how, I just know I can't live like this anymore."
"If you really cared, you would be there for me and our son. You would work and help pay the bills. You go off looking for fights. I never know if you're alive or not." The words had meaning the the vile hate in her voice betrayed the true meaning. The tone she took said she didn't care about the issues, they weren't the real issue. "I hurt you to make you realize how much you need to get better and it's the only thing you understand."
Goku stood breathing heavily, his eyes stung. "Do you love me? Even a little." It took all of his strength to keep his voice even and loud enough to show his conviction. The answer terrified him more than he ever thought possible.
There was a pause. That was answer enough. "I still love you," Goku said, softer this time, "I really wanted to make this work. If just for Gohan. But I won't live in a house where I'm not wanted. Where I'm hurt every day. You can stay, but I'm not. Goodbye Chichi."
With those few words, Goku turned and began to walk out. His shoulders sagged with the weight his heart felt, and the tears burned as they began to wander down his face. The way she spoke, the tone, said everything that needed to be said. The way she looked at him while talking told him that the love had died long, long ago - if it was ever really there.
"Get back here you bastard!" Chichi yelled, fury burning in her eyes. But he didn't stop, out was already too late.
He didn't know where he was going when he took off in flight but he knew he was no longer wanted in his own home.
Chichi stood in the doorway screaming until Goku was completely out of sight. Curses, hate, venom spilled from her from years of resentment. As she turned back into the house she let out a low growl, she never thought he'd grow a backbone like this.
As she sat down in the kitchen, placing her head in her hands, breathing heavily trying to regain her composure, she heard footsteps.
Chichi's head shot up ready to yell again until she realized who stood before her.
"I'm tired of listening to the two of you yell. I can't sleep and I'm just sick of it. I'm staying at Trunk's house tonight." Gohan said, his voice confident and firm, but his face betrayed a sadness and fear.
Chichi grabbed his arm as he turned away to walk out the door. She couldn't lose both of the men in her life in the same night but he just pulled away and took off, like his father had. She was furious.
He didn't know how long he'd been flying, he's shot straight into the sky and gone off, not paying attention to where he was going. He didn't care where he went, he couldn't go home anymore.
It felt like he'd been flying in circles, the sun was beginning to rise when he looked to the ground to get his bearings and saw the field he'd grown to hate over the past few years in the distance.
Landing heavily, Goku looked around at all the work he'd put into the land, the rows of plowed and planted soil. A few of the crops had started to sprout. His breath was heavy and ragged and he felt his sadness blend with an anger at the universe. There was a pulsing in his chest akin to what a Saiyan felt as they transformed into great apes. His eyes stung with unshed tears, everything hurt.
Goku let out an animal like cry, screaming until his lungs hurt and he was left gasping for breath. In his frustration he began to shoot ki blasts in every direction, destroying his hard work, equipment, and anything else nearby. The ground cracked and crumbled as debris flew through the sky.
The field was far enough away from the city that no one would be around, so he could truly let go and expend all his energy. His muscles quivered under the strain, throat raw from screaming. Eventually, Goku collapsed on the ground, his body shaking and gasping for breath.
Finally the tears were free to fall as he let go.
