[Thanks for the kind reviews! This chapter's pretty long (a lot happens, but it would be cruel to pull this one into two parts, I think)...Edward-free, sadly, minus flashbacks, but I promise he'll return quickly...and well, it gets kinda dark. (Oh: Lemon warning! Mature content ahead) It'll get darker for a few more chapters I think, but I hope enough to keep you all reading.]

Chapter 4: Scary Monsters, Super Creeps

There I was, alone in the men's bathroom, minus one boner, and the proud owner of a shiny new man crush. I could feel the confusion starting to return, and knew that my state of adrenalin-fueled excitement was getting ready to all but disappear.

Show's over Jasper. Can't stand here all day.

I grabbed my bag off the floor, and headed out the door, casting a fleeting glance over my shoulder at the washbasin as I went.

Goodbye, washbasin. Goodbye tiled wall. Good times, my friends. Good times.

I checked my watch. 3pm. Wow. We'd been in there for an hour? Felt like days.

Time flies when you're getting it on with Edward Cullen..

I walked out to the hallway and looked around. 3pm on a Friday afternoon on campus…the place was a wasteland. You could practically see the tumbleweeds blowing by. I figured the first thing to do was hit the gym and burn off the rest of the adrenalin. And then maybe home. And then, inevitably, Alice's. I wasn't really looking forward to the Alice part. I loved her to death, and I did love being around her when we were together, but things had been kind of weird between us for a while, and after today I wasn't quite sure about how all of…this…would play out. Would I still be attracted to her? I'd never kissed a guy. I didn't know. Maybe it's like switch, and BAM!, suddenly girls are as attractive as macrame pot holders, and all I want to do is read JustUsBoys and listen to Frankie Goes To Hollywood and wear Lycra bike shorts. Maybe everything would be just the same. I didn't know. This was the kind of not knowing that I didn't really go for. I got in my car and drove to the gym.

*****

I left the gym at 5pm. I did a full 2 hours, which sounds totally crazy, I know. I normally only do an hour, but I was pushing myself harder this time, trying to burn off all the residual energy. There was a lot more than I realized. But I figured I'd just go til I wore myself out, go home, eat a burrito and crash for a few hours before I went over to Alice's. One of the personal trainers (who looked like a total roid head) actually came over and asked me if I was okay (I think he was legally obligated to ask)…and then gave me a free Gatorade and a pat on the back for 'taking it to the max'. Those guys are freaks. He probably thought I was a juicer too.

I showered off at the gym, dressed, and walked to the parking lot. I was kind of frustrated, because the workout hadn't cleared my head at all. I was exhausted, but my brain just would not shut down. The bathroom, Edward, the lecture theater, the blowjob, the hand job, all of it was rolling around and around in my mind, clanking and crashing against my skull like shoes in a washing machine. I was starting to feel kind of sick with it all now. The fun had definitely stopped. Guilt was creeping in, because I still had Alice to deal with, along with waves of nausea as I slowly realized I had no idea what I would say if I saw Edward again. When he walked out of the bathroom I was excited by the prospect of a new encounter with him, but as the hours wore on I just wanted to rewind the whole thing, erase it and pretend it never happened. The worst was the three words that buzzed in my vision like a diner sign. Am I gay? Am I gay? Am I gay? I kind of wished someone would just show up on my door step and hand me a certificate that says 'Congratulations, You're Gay!'…like Publisher's Clearing House or something. How would I know? Would I ever know? What if I never wanted to kiss a guy again? Would that make me a liar?

Ugh. I got in my car, switched on the ignition, and turned up the radio to drown out my thoughts. I pulled out of the parking lot and pointed my car towards home…20 minutes later as I passed the exit for my house, I realized that I really, really needed a drink. I got off at the next exit and pulled up in front of the local bar. It was a total dive, well-known and largely avoided for its reputation as an alcoholics' hideaway, but it was the perfect place to drink when you didn't want to talk to anyone. Social drinking has its place, but a medicinal drink now and again keeps me sane.

Two pints of Newcastle Brown and a chaser of whiskey later, I was feeling better. I bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter at the convenience store next door to the dive bar, lit one and practically inhaled the whole thing in one drag. I hadn't smoked in 6 months, but man it felt good to come back. I decided I may as well just drive over to Alice's now. But I figured I should call first, so I fumbled for some change and walked out to the payphone on the street. I dialed Alice's number, and she picked up on the second ring.

'Hello?'

'Hey Al. It's me, Jazz. Sorry I didn't call sooner. My cell phone broke at school today, and I hadn't been able to get to a phone.'

'Oh honey, your phone! That sucks. Well, I was kind of mad at you for not calling me back, but I guess you're forgiven now. Where are you?'

'I'm on a payphone outside The Lion. I stopped off for a couple of drinks after the gym, figured I'd just come straight over, if you want.'

'Ooh yes please! I want! Are you okay to drive?'

'Yeah. I only had 2 beers. Okay, I'm leaving now, I'll be there in 10.'

'Okay baby. See you soon!'

She sounded so chirpy and happy, I was thinking that maybe it was going to be okay seeing her tonight. Maybe she was just what I needed. Nine times out of 10, she was exactly what I needed. In fact, 10 times out of 10. Alice was so good at clearing away my funks and my dark moods. I mean, she was a bit of an emotional roller coaster herself, but she rarely got angry or depressed. She just cried, or threw a tantrum, and then she was back laughing her head off and smiling. I loved that about her. We'd known each other for so long, since high school, that we pretty much knew each other inside out. That was part of the problem with us. It was hard for the relationship not to get stale after knowing each other for so long, and having dated on and off for so many years. We had been together more than we'd been apart. Sometimes you felt like a married couple, a record stuck in the same groove. Last year we'd had most of our classes together, so our schedules meshed really well and we would lunch together and hang out all the time. This year we had totally different schedules, and she was on the other side of campus most of the time since she had picked up her Science minor. Once we realized how little time we were spending together, and how forced the time we did spend became, we agreed that it might be better to keep it casual. We were meeting new people, expanding our social circles, it seemed to make a weird kind of sense. It's been a weird time since then though. She dated, and I dated, and if we weren't seeing anyone, we'd hook up. It took a little getting used to, but it has mostly worked out okay. I learned pretty quickly that I was better off not knowing who she was seeing. I just assume she stays home and does needlepoint in a neck-to-ankle house dress. But I knew that she was probably dating a lot. Well, actively. She wasn't one to sleep around a ton. But she's so tiny and cute, and she's so beautiful, there's no way any guy wouldn't want to just pick her up in his arms and carry her home with him. I still feel that way whenever I see her. But lately she'd been kind of distant when we were together, and yet really really needy when we were apart (text messages 10 times a day, at least, as an example) I wasn't really sure what was going on with her, or us. I wasn't sure if it had anything to do with the girls I'd been seeing, if some of that was getting back to her, or what. But right now, I was just glad that she was so cheery tonight.

I got to the door and it flung open, and Alice jumped into my arms and kissed me on the cheek. I grinned into her great-smelling Joan Jett hair, and wrapped my arms under her tiny little butt to keep her from falling.

"Hey beautiful. Happy to see me?" I walked her into the living room and kicked the door closed behind me.

She leaned back and grinned.
"You betcha! I missed you today. They were showing 'To Kill a Mockingbird' on TCM this afternoon, and I texted you 10,000 times to get you to come over and watch it with me!"

I laughed, half-thinking that I'd been otherwise engaged, and then wiping the thought away quickly. God she was cute. I sat down on the couch, and she stayed in my lap and twisted her finger in one of my curls. I looked at her with a grin.
"You mean you wanted Dil Harris to come over." It was an old joke. We both loved the movie and I did a really stupid impersonation of the weird little boy that was friends with Scout and Jem, named Dil Harris. So I put on the voice for her and said our favorite line from the movie. "Let's go down to the courthouse and see the room that they locked Boo up in. My aunt says it's bat-infested, and he nearly died from the mildew. Come on. I bet they got chains and instruments of torture down there."

She threw her head back and laughed that tinkly laugh of hers. Then she put on a crinkly frown and a bad southern accent.

"You're mighty puny for a seven year old"

I laughed and replied in my high-pitched Dil Harris voice, "I'm little but I'm old."

We laughed together, and she curled up against my chest. I looked down at her and smiled to myself. Man. This was like old days. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to still have this precious creature in my life, after everything we'd been through. The events of today were suddenly a distant memory, and I wondered what possessed me to see other girls when I had the real prize right here.

She looked up at me as I was smiling, and poked me on the nose.

"You went to the gym. Are you hungry?"

God, she was a mind reader.

"I really, really am. I haven't eaten a thing since breakfast." Except Edward Cullen's tongue. My heart jumped into my throat and I hurriedly cleared that thought away. Alice jumped up from my lap and skipped into the kitchen.

"Whatcha got?" I called out to her, still trying to shake the remnants of that last thought from my head..

I heard her opening the fridge door. "I've got leftover lasagna from last night…a microwave burrito…a half-open bag of salad…oh, and about 10 packets of Ramen that Emmett left behind when he stayed over last weekend."

I shook my head. Emmett. He was the size of a wrestler but ate like a 12 year old.

"Uhmmm. Burrito sounds good. Need some fuel. Maybe I'll try the lasagna later, when I'm ready for cuisine."

She laughed, and I heard her crank up the microwave. Then she called out again.

"I know you've already had a couple of beers, but I'm kind of thinking I might crack a Stella. You want?"

"You bet!" More beer was definitely in order. I don't usually drink quite so much so quickly, but I felt like I kind of had a buzz going, so I figured why not. Plus it made me nice and horny. Alice walked back into the living room holding two opened Stellas and parked herself back in my lap, facing me. She handed me a beer, and took a swig from her own.

"So. We got 5 minutes til burrito launch. What do you wanna do?" She grinned wickedly.

I kissed her gently. She smiled, and took another swig of beer, and pretended to look thoughtful.
"Hmm. I don't know if we can do that and drink at the same time. We might spill something." I put my bottle to my mouth, tipped it upright and drained it in 30 seconds, and then put the empty bottle on the floor next to me.

"Problem solved. Now you."
She looked at me with that evil grin, raised her bottle and drained it in even less time than I drained mine, then burped loudly and smiled. I kissed her on the nose, took the bottle from her hand and sat it on the floor next to mine.

"Atta girl. Let's rock."

She pushed her pelvis into my groin, leaned up against my chest and snaked her tongue in between my lips. Such a sweet-looking girl, but I loved the contradiction that that she could always play naughty when it counted. Made life with her nicely unpredictable. I stood up, picking her up with me, her legs wrapped around my waist. I grabbed her ass and kissed her deeply, and walked her down the hall into the bedroom.

I knew how to get there with my eyes shut, we'd been making this trek for a few years now.

Still locked in a deep, passionate kiss, I lay her down on the bed, and lay on top of her, pushing myself up on one elbow so that I didn't crush her little frame entirely. Then I slipped my free hand under her shirt, and ran it slowly across her stomach up to her nipple, soft and puffy atop her small, beautiful breast. I lightly circled her nipple with one finger, casually around, and around, and around. as I kissed her more and more deeply. I knew she liked it. She moaned into my mouth and pushed one leg in between mine, bending her knee and pushing her thigh up against my groin. I felt my cock swelling in my jeans, and pushed back against her, slowly bumping and grinding as I kept circling her nipple with my finger. Then I pinched it between my thumb and index finger, rolling it between my fingertips. She moaned again.

"Oh Jazz" she said into my mouth, as she arched her back into me, and twisted her fingers deep into the curls of my hair.

I pulled away from the kiss, and moved my mouth to that spot underneath her ear…

Where you kissed Edward after you jerked him off...

…aaaa-nnnd moved my tongue down her neck, trying to shake that image from my head. Better change the scenery quickly.

I pulled up her shirt and moved my head down to her other breast, and lightly lapped at the nipple with my tongue, still rolling the other nipple between my fingers. I licked around this one, slowly, feeling it pucker and harden, and then took it into my mouth and sucked gently. She writhed against me. I pulled down her sweatpants and her panties, and slowly moved my hand from her nipple down between her legs, still sucking her other nipple with my mouth as she groaned and writhed against me. I looked down and could tell just from looking that she was already wet. I still loved that she shaved for me. I slipped just the barest tip of my finger between her lips and moved it back and forth, lightly against the wetness. She spread her legs wider and arched her back. I kept sucking her nipple as I slowly rubbed my finger up and down her wet slit, gently biting her nipple between my teeth every now and again, just to make sure that she would come a little bit harder for me when the time arrived.

'Yeeeooooooowwwwwhhhh'

I loved that sound, like a long meow. She dug her fingernails into the back of my neck and pushed down against my shoulder with the palm of her hand. I knew that signal well.

I knew she was ready so I didn't waste any time, and went straight to her warm, wet cunt with my tongue and snaked it deep inside her, licking hard, pushing down deeper, deeper still, then sliding back, curling my tongue up against her g-spot as I drew it slightly out, then pushing it back in, and in deeper again, then out slowly, my lips moving and sucking on her clit, sucking against her pussy lips, squeezing the tops of her thighs like I was making out with her whole cunt. I loved this part. A lot.

'Yeeeeooww. Owwwwwhhh….Ohhhhmmmmmm…Ohhhh Jazzz. Do it. Harder. More. Ohhhhhhh fuck."

I knew she was watching me now, so I drove my tongue deep inside her cunt, the walls contracting and relaxing as I rubbed my tongue in and out, and then pulled it all the way out slowly, pushing against g-spot as I drew my tongue all the way out so she could see me, her juices dripping from my tongue as I moved up and flicked her clit fast with my slick, warm tongue, back and forth. I slid two fingers into her pussy, curling them up against her g-spotl as I pumped them in and out of her. She practically screamed out loud.

"Fuck Jazz. Fuck fuck fuck…ohhhhhhhhhwwwwwwwwwwww.

I pulled my fingers out, rubbing them against her clit as I dove my tongue back inside her cunt as she came, rolling it around and around as bucked in orgasm against me and dragged her hands through my hair. I lapped at her cunt a few more times to get all of those tasty juices…and kissed her deeply down there before I moved back up to say hello and receive my thanks.

She looked at me sleepily, licked my chin and then kissed me long, and deep.

"Mmmmmmm. I will never, ever get tired of that, Jazz. You're amazing."

I kissed her back, and felt her hands move down to my ass. She opened her eyes wide in mock horror.

"Why Jasper, you're still wearing your pants! We need to fix that."

Then she pushed me on my back, and crawled down the bed to remove my belt and unzip my jeans. She thumbed my boxers out and down over my engorged cock, and then pulled the boxers and jeans off me completely and threw them on the floor.

She smiled at me once, and then she knelt down between my legs and took my cock in her mouth. Before I knew it, I was tensing up.

It wouldn't go in all the way. It never had. But she had always been good at compensating for that small lack. She was excellent with her hands so it had never been a big deal. I'd always thought she gave a great blow job. But now Edward Cullen was firmly planted in my mind. As she slipped my cock into her mouth, in my mind I could see Edward deepthroating me. My eyes closed, the muscles in my neck and jaw tight, I reached down and put my hand behind her head, giving her a little push. I never, ever did that to her before. But I thought, maybe, just this once.

Just a little deeper, Alice, please.

She resisted, keeping her head still and linked her fingers into mind gently pulled my hand from her head. She put her other hand against my balls, and started sucking up and down a little more urgently, moaning softly to herself. I reached out my hand and pinched her nipple, and she moaned again. I liked the sound, but I was still distracted.

Edward sucking hard...harder....Edward rolling that fucking tongue over my cock....Agh fuck...

Alice's mouth was so tiny, and her tongue was working so hard,…but, and I hated myself for feeling this way...it felt so forced. I knew she was looking at me, and I knew she was doing all the right things and wanting me to respond. But I kept my eyes screwed up tight, just trying my best not look annoyed. I couldn't look at her. I just couldn't. It was all wrong. It wasn't hard enough, or fast enough…her tongue was all wrong. Her hand was so small and feminine against my balls, I could hardly feel it.

I couldn't help it. I brought my hand up to the back of her head, and really pushed this time.

She growled a little and threw it off again. She kept sucking, and rolling her tongue around, changing her grip, rubbing her lips over the tip of my cock. But then, to my absolute horror, I started to feel myself go limp. My boner was going away. Well. Not slackening, but the urgency was leaving. I wasn't going to come like this. I could just feel it.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Why is this happening to me.

I'd only had 3 beers. And a shot of whiskey. I could always, always maintain a boner, even after 10 beers, and I could always come when I wanted to. Even during some the world's worst blowjobs, I'd kept myself hard and forced myself to come. But now I was losing the boner altogether, and I had no control over it. Alice's usually awesome blowjob was leaving me cold and I knew exactly why. I don't think it had much to do with the beer. I didn't want to go limp in her mouth and think it was her fault. No fucking way. This was my own stupid fucking fault.

Now I was scared. And angry.

Fuck Edward Cullen. Motherfuck him. Why me. Why the FUCK me. My thought turned to Alice, still plugging away at my fading boner. Oh come ON. Suck a little harder. Jesus fucking Christ this is bullshit.

I whipped my hand back up to Alice's head and pushed her again, hard this time. Harder than I should've. Shoved is a better word for it. She reached her hand up and tried to pull me away, but I grabbed at her wrist and pushed her head down again, trying to hump my cock into her mouth, just trying to get some of the force back into the blowjob, trying desperately to stop my cock from going completely limp.

She strained her head back against my hand and pushed back hard with all the force in her neck and shoulders. Her mouth pulled away from my cock, and she sat up and slapped her hands down hard on my stomach, her voice full of blind fury

"Jesus CHRIST, Jasper!! What the fuck is wrong with you?? I'm not Linda Lovelace!! Are you trying to fucking choke me????"

I opened my eyes and saw that she had tears in her eyes, her eyes a little wild. I realized I was holding onto her wrist. I let go.

She looked scared. Really scared.

"Alice, I…" Just looking in her eyes scared the shit out of me.

I did that to her. I scared her. God she must think I'm some kind of sick fuck rapist. What the FUCK is wrong with me?

"FUCKING HELL!!!!

I jerked myself away from her, threw myself off the bed and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me as tears of embarrassment and anger stung my eyes. In desperation I grabbed Alice's Jergens from under the washbasin and pumped a gob into my palm. I stood in front of the washbasin, cock in hand and started tugging furiously at my cock, all the rage and frustration welling up inside me as I watched myself cry, tears streaming down my face as I tried desperately to rub one out. Please oh please. Please just come. Come on!! Fuck!!!! FUUUUUUCCCCCK. I was jerking hard now, too hard, but I didn't care. I flashed on jerking off Edward in the men's bathroom this afternoon, and jerked even harder. I jerked and I jerked, grimacing in frustration as my cock started to hurt. The more I jerked, the more and more limp it became til it was completely flaccid, and now throbbing in pain, covered in stupid fucking lotion. I threw the lid of the toilet seat down and sat with my head in my hands, quietly heaving sobs. The worst humiliation of all. Losing my boner in front of Alice. Because of Edward fucking Cullen. How do I explain that? Sorry Alice, I practically raped your throat because a guy blew me in the bathroom today and I wanted you to do it more like that? How the fuck do you say that? Hallmark doesn't make an apology card for that, I don't think. I heard a thump come from Alice's bedroom, then the quiet padding of her feet as she walked out to the living room. The refrigerator opened, closed. Then I heard her crying.

Jesus Christ. What the fuck have I done.

I stood up and splashed cold water on my face, for the second time today. Then I opened the bathroom door and went back to the bedroom to put on my jeans. I walked into the kitchen quietly, following the sound of Alice's sobbing.

She was curled up in a ball in the corner of the kitchen under the counter, hugging her knees, tears pouring from her wild, staring, scared eyes. I sat down on the floor against the refrigerator, facing her. The sobbing stopped and she looked at me with anger, wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, and quickly stood up.

"I think you need to leave."

I got up, and cleared my throat.

"Alice. I'm sorry I scared you. I …"

She glared at me, eyes flashing with fury, angrier than I'd ever seen her.

"I don't want to hear it Jasper. I don't want to hear anything except the door closing behind you when you leave. You got it? You don't act like that in my house, under my roof, in my FUCKING BED," she shouted at me. Her face was livid. "No-one treats me like that, Jasper. Not you, not anyone. Whatever 'issues' you've got, you go work them the fuck out, and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!" She stood, pointing at the door, her tiny hand shaking with rage.

I walked out the door, pulling it behind me as I went.

I fished my keys out of my pocket, fumbled to unlock the car, got in, leaned my head against the steering wheel and howled in pain, slamming my fists against the steering wheel. Why would I do that? Why would I hurt the only person I've ever loved? Who the fuck except a heartless fucking monster deliberately hurts Alice? I turned the ignition and gunned the motor, pulling away before Alice had a chance to see me crying.

[Sincere apologies to sweet, sweet little Alice. I will try to make this right somehow.]