ACT III: Breaking Dawn

(Curtain opens in outdoors Forks, with the people from the town around the stage, and Bella and Edward walking together. Music is "Something There", from Beauty & the Beast. Everyone makes references with their hands to their stomachs, implying that BELLA is probably getting married because she got pregnant. )

STEPHENIE: Maybe it's finally time to release all the stuff I wanted to steal from fanfiction…

ANGELA:
There's something weird
And almost kind
But she was nice and he was hot and so refined

JESSICA:
But now she's rich, and confident
I wonder why I didn't see it there before

EDWARD:
Come on Bella, lets go get you a new car.

MIKE:
She glanced this way
I thought I saw
And when they touched she didn't shudder at his hand

ERICK:
No it can't be, we'll just ignore
But then she's never looked at him that way before

EDWARD: Bella, I have something to show you. But first, you have to close your eyes. It's a surprise!

BELLA: I hate surprises!

EDWARD: Alright, alright. Here! (gives her a huge diamond ring)

BELLA: I can't believe it! I've never seen such an embarrassing thing in my entire life!

EDWARD: You like it?

BELLA: It's humiliating!

EDWARD: It's yours!

BELLA:
New and a bit alarming
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?
True that he is Prince Charming
And there's nothing in him that I simply didn't see

BELLA: Fine, I'll wear it, but just because I love you.

EDWARD: Okay.

BELLA: JUST because I love you, I totally hate jewelry. (glances lovingly at her ring)

EDWARD: No, that's alright. (tries to take the ring)

BELLA: No, really, I hate it.

EDWARD: Uh, okay.

BELLA: No, seriously.

EDWARD: It's okay.

BELLA: You had never given me jewelry before.

EDWARD: You wouldn't let me, because of the nonsense your friends would think.

BELLA: Well now we gotta tell my parents, ohmygod they're so scary.

CHARLIE:
Well, who'd have thought?

RENÉE:
Well, bless my soul

CHARLIE
Well, who'd have known?

RENÉE:
Well, who indeed?

CHARLIE:
And who'd have guessed that you'd get pregnant on your own?

RENÉE:
It's so peculiar. Wait and see

CHARLIE:
We'll wait and see

RENÉE & CHARLIE:
A few months more
There may be something there that wasn't there before

MIKE:
Perhaps there's something there
That wasn't there before

SETH: What?

LEAH:
There may be something there that wasn't there before

SETH: What's there, Leah?

LEAH: Ssh. I'll tell you when you're older. Come along now. Let's give them some privacy...

SETH: Leah?

LEAH: (sigh) Yes, Seth?

SETH: Will we get to protect that thing growing inside Bella's stomach?

LEAH: Oh hell no.

SETH: When will we know?

STEPHENIE: Soon. If it's to be. It will be very soon now. Go along, son.

SETH: Leah, who is that strange woman?

(Curtain closes)

(Curtain opens at ALICE's room, which is completely decorated in white and silver. Bella is sitting on a chair in the middle of the room, wearing a robe and her hair in a bun.. Alice is running around the room choosing dresses and makeup for BELLA.)

ALICE: Ohmygod this is so exciting, you are getting married, Bella!

BELLA: I wish I was excited. (Melancholic)

ALICE: How can you not be excited? You get to wear all this expensive jewelry, the awesome dress I designed for you! (holds up a huge white dress)

BELLA: I guess I'm just not a material girl.

(ALICE stares at BELLA from behind her shoulder as the music for "Material Girl", by Madonna, starts in the background. JASPER and EMMETT come out and dance around ALICE, responding to whatever she does.)

ALICE: Bella, I believe it is time for the bridesmaid to give you a well-needed lesson in being a girl.

Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me
I think they're OK
If they don't give me proper credit
I just bite their necks

They can beg and they can plead
But they can't see the light,

(JASPER & EMMETT: that's right, THAT'S RIGHT)

'Cause the boy with the cold hard cash
Is always Mister Right, 'cause we are

Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

Some boys sparkle, some boys bleed out
That's all right with me
If they can't raise my interest then I
Have to let them be

Some boys try and some boys lie but
I don't let them play

(JASPER & EMMETT: NO WAY, NO WAY)

Only boys who save their pennies
Make my cloudy day, 'cause they are

Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

(BELLA puts on her wedding dress and stands up to dance between JASPER and EMMETT)

BELLA, JASPER & EMMETT:

Living in a material world
Living in a material world

LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD

LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD

ALICE:
BUCKS may come and boys may go
And that's all right you see
Experience has made me rich
And now they're after me, 'cause everybody's

Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl
Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

BELLA, JASPER & EMMETT:
A material, a material, a material, a material world
Living in a material world
Living in a material world

LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD

LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD.

ALICE: Do you get it now? Marrying Edward means you get whatever you want!

BELLA: So that's how this marriage thing works, huh? Sounds fun!

ALICE: I know, right?! Now lets get you read for him to see you.

(CURTAIN CLOSES as ALICE goes to fix BELLA's hair and put some more jewelry on her.)

(CURTAIN OPENS back at the CULLEN house, with the stairs in the middle of the stage. When the music for "Get the Party Started", by Dame Shirley Bassey, the shorter version used in the promo for the 4th cycle of Australia's Next Top Model, starts, ALICE and the CULLENS start descending the stairs, dressed for the wedding, and in a manner that is very reminiscent of their Thriller entrance. After them, BELLA and CHARLIE descend. When the singing starts, ALICE gets on a pedestal that is in the center of the stage, as everyone around her gets into couples and dance around her in a very old-fashioned and solemn way. EDWARD and the rest of the vampires dance effortlessly, barely making any faces. BELLA is freaked out, but doing the movements without much thought or tripping)

ALICE:

Get this wedding started on a Saturday night
Everybody's waitin' for you to arrive

YOU got lotsa style, check your white wedding dress
It can go for miles, I chose it, I even called the press

You're comin' up so we better get this wedding started
You're comin' up so we better get this party started

Sendin' out the message to all of your friends
We'll be looking flashy in your Mercedes Benz
You got lot of style, check your gold diamond rings
That can go for miles, it's a Volvo ohmygod
Get this party started on a Saturday night
Everybody's waitin' for you to arrive

You're comin' up so we better get this wedding started
(BELLA: I'm comin'up, I'm comin')

you're comin' up so we better get this party started

Pumpin up the volume, breakin' down to the beat
Cruisin' through our mansion
We'll be checkin' the scene
Boulevard is freakin' as I'm runin' up fast
I'll be serving champagne, we'll be kissin' your butt
Pull up to the bumper, get out of the car
License plate says Edward is my own Superstar

Wow!

You're comin' up so we better get this wedding started
(BELLA: I'm comin'up, I'm comin')
You're comin' up so we better get this party started

Get this wedding started, get this party started,
Get this wedding started, get this party started

STEPHENIE: (still writing, voice with echo) Alice Cullen is back, with a whole new concept, a whole wedding for Edward and Bella Cullen. Be prepared for the event of the century.

(Music ends, and all the attendees walk around the room, mingling and drinking wine. EDWARD and BELLA are together the entire time. JESSICA is obviously drunk and dancing on top of a table with SETH. ROSALIE, EMMETT, ALICE and JASPER are sitting on a table, talking animatedly. LEAH is flirting with CHARLIE, while he ignores her. EDWARD and BELLA go to the center of the stage to talk)

EDWARD: Bella, it seems like my wedding gift to you has been successful.

BELLA: What are you talking about?

(JACOB approaches her from behind)

JACOB: Hey Bells.

BELLA: I said I'm not a metallic instrument! (turns, sees JACOB, pushes EDWARD aside to get to JACOB). Ohmygod Jake!

JACOB: I see you're, ugh, married.

BELLA: Yep.

JACOB: Cool.

BELLA: And I'm having SEX tonight. With EDWARD. You jealous?

JACOB: What the hell are you talking about?! Ohmygod, this is sick, it's disturbing, I can't, I can't, I can't stand it!

SAM: Jake, we need to go.

SETH: Yeah, you can't lose it in front of the girls.

(SETH and SAM drag JACOB off the stage while he twitches with rage.)

BELLA: Hmm, that could've gone better.

EDWARD: The poor dog is still horny and wants you.

BELLA: Yeah, poor dude. But I have you now! (throws self into EDWARD's arms. He catches her.)

EDWARD: Maybe it's time for our… wedding night.

BELLA: Yay!

(CURTAIN CLOSES)

(CURTAIN OPENS at Isle Esme, which is basically an island full of white furniture. There is a king-size bed in the middle of the stage, and both BELLA and EDWARD are in their pajamas. BELLA is sitting on the bed, EDWARD is staring out a window.)

BELLA: Aren't you gonna come over, Edward?

EDWARD: Maybe. In a second. I am… nervous.

BELLA: But why? This scene will just fade to black the minute you get here!

EDWARD: It's just that… I'm… I mean, I have never… I'm… a virgin.

BELLA: (giggles) Oh, wait, uhm, you're serious… How old are you?

EDWARD: Seventeen.

BELLA: How long have you been seventeen?

EDWARD: … A while.

BELLA: You're a 100-year-old virgin?

(Music for "Like a Virgin", by Madonna, starts in the background. EDWARD sings the song to BELLA.)

EDWARD: I'm afraid so.

I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you

I was hot, dazzling
I was done, I was sad and pale
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Sparkly and new

I'm a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Hundred-year-old virgin
When your heart beats
Next to me

Gonna give you all my love, girl
My fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
cause only love can last

You're so fine and you're mine
Make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out
Yeah, your love thawed out
What was hard and cold

I'm a virgin

(BELLA: Hey!)
Touched for the very first time
Hundred-year-old virgin
With your heartbeat
Next to me
Oooh, oooh, oooh

You're so fine and you're mine
I'll be yours till the end of time
cause you make me feel
Yeah, you make me feel
I've nothing to hide

I'm a virgin

(BELLA: Hey!)
Touched for the very first time
Hundred-year-old virgin
With your heartbeat
Next to me

I'm a virgin, ooh, ooh
I'm a virgin
Feels so good inside
When I hold you, and your heart beats, and I love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Ooh, baby!

(EDWARD gets on the bed, and the lights turn off instantaneously)

EDWARD: Wow, it really did fade to black.

BELLA: Told ya!

(CURTAINS CLOSE.)

(CURTAINS OPEN again. BELLA is doing her hair hair in front of a mirror, while EDWARD reads a book on the table. BELLA has a pregnant belly.)

BELLA: Hmm, I wonder what is happening. I mean, I always have to vomit in the morning, I'm craving eggs, and I have a small but definite bump on my belly. What do you think, Edward?

EDWARD: Huh?

BELLA: I always have to vomit in the morning, I'm craving eggs, and I have a small but definite bump on my belly. Maybe it's that fried chicken I ate…

EDWARD: Probably.

BELLA: Ohmygod!

EDWARD: What?

BELLA: I think I'm pregnant!

(EDWARD's cellphone rings. He pics up)

EDWARD: Ohmygod!

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: Alice says she saw you getting pregnant with my vampire baby. But that is imposible!

BELLA: How can this be?! I mean, we only had unprotected sex, like, ten times!

EDWARD: We must go back to Forks, away from anyone that might see us. Carlisle will know what to do.

BELLA: Ohmygod, give me that phone!

EDWARD: What?

BELLA: Give me your damn phone!

EDWARD: Uh, okay… (gives the phone to BELLA)

(BELLA screams into the phone)

BELLA: Rosalie! Rosalie! Rosalie! Rosalie!

EDWARD : Uhm you have to dial first…

BELLA: Rosalie! Rosalie! Rosalie! Rosalieeee!!!!

(CURTAIN CLOSES)

(CURTAIN OPENS at the Cullen Mansion. ROSALIE is admiring herself in a mirror, JASPER and EMMETT are playing chess, and CARLISLE and ESME are watching TV. Suddenly, ALICE runs down the stairs.)

ALICE: Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod!

JASPER, EMMETT, CARLISLE, ESME & ROSALIE: What?

ALICE: Bella is pregnant with Edward's vampire baby, and they're coming home!

ROSALIE: Oh yes, this is my chance!

EMMETT: Uh, for what?

ROSALIE: I'm gonna steal Bella's baby and keep it after she dies! Mwahahaha!!! Oh wait, you weren't supposed to hear that… I'm, uhm, excited about the baby. That's all.

EMMETT: Whatever, honey.

CARLISLE: She got pregnant? With Edward's baby? How is this possible?

STEPHENIE: You don't wanna know, just go on with the story!

ESME: Maybe I should start warming up the milk bottles right away. Or does a half-vampire baby drink bottles with blood? This is such a dilemma!

(EDWARD and BELLA enter through the top of the stairs. BELLA is already extremely pregnant. ROSALIE runs to meet them)

ROSALIE: Bella, are you alright?! Can I get your baby, I mean, can I get you anything?!

EDWARD: She's fine, Rose.

ROSALIE: I. Was. Not. Talking. To. You.

BELLA: I'm fine, I just want some… blood. (maniac eyes)

EDWARD: Bella, are you sure…?

BELLA: Ohmygod yes, it sounds so appetizing.

ROSALIE: I'll get you some blood! Emmett, bring her some blood!

EDWARD: Why are you so keen on taking care of Bella?

(Music for "I'm a Bitch", by Meredith Brooks, starts in the background.)

ROSALIE: Lets just say I have my own reasons…

I hate BELLA today
She's so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I tried
tried to be relieved to see
your pregnant sight
I can't understand how you'd be so confused
I do envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a vampire
I'm a teen, I'm a model
I'm a sinner, I'm no saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to give me that hell child
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing!

I'm a bitch, I'm a vampire
I'm a teen, I'm a model
I'm a sinner, I'm no saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

EDWARD: Rose, you are not keeping our baby.

ROSALIE: Oh really? You're gonna raise a baby alone? I'd like to see you try!

EDWARD: Bella and I don't need you!

ROSALIE:
Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to ignore me

I'm a bitch, I'm a vampire
I'm a teen, I'm a model
I'm a sinner, I'm no saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I will get that Renesmée
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

(Music ends with ROSALIE maniacally patting and rubbing BELLA's pregnant stomach)

BELLA: It's alright Rosalie, you can have Renesmée or Edwob if I die in the process.

EDWARD: But Bella, I will make you a vampire in time!

BELLA: Whatever, we need some in-laws drama around here.

(JACOB enters through the top of the stairs)

JACOB: Okay, I am ready to kill you all, so get in line.

BELLA: Hey Jake!

JACOB: Ohmygod, vampire dude got you pregnant! I, uh, need to go!

BELLA: Aw, he's probably gonna ask his mom how babies are made.

(CURTAIN CLOSES.)

(CURTAIN OPENS in the forest, where the werewolves are together around a campfire. JACOB comes running.)

JACOB: Ohmygod, Edward got Bella pregnant! I am heartbroken!

SAM: Hmm, maybe we should send them flowers…

JACOB: Don't you understand? A vampire got a human pregnant!

SAM: Yeah, so…?

JACOB: We don't know what kind of beast the baby Is gonna turn into!

LEAH: Oh, and that blonde vampire beeyotch is gonna get the baby, right? I want that baby!

(EVERYONE stares at LEAH)

LEAH: Two words: Leave me alone.

SETH: Uh, Leah…

LEAH: Shut up.

SAM: You mean… this monster could come after our children and eat them alive?!

JACOB: Uh, I don't know, maybe.

(Music for "The Mob Song", from Beauty & the Beast, starts in the background.)

SAM: What is this beast called?

JACOB: Renesmée.

(WEREWOLVES scream.)

SETH: What does that even mean?

LEAH: Is it dangerous?

JACOB: I hope not, but it's freakin scary! We can't hurt it without hurting Bella… She's my friend…

SAM: If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster.

JACOB: She's no monster, Sam. You are!

SAM: He's as crazy as Leah! He says this creature and its mother are his friends. Well, I've hunted vampires and I've seen what they can do. The beast will make off with your children.

(WEREWOLVES gasp)

SAM: It'll come after them in the night.

JACOB: She will never!

SAM: Forget the flowers, I say we kill the beast!

WEREWOLVES: Kill it!

(Music for "The Mob Song" really starts now)

SAM: We're not safe until it's dead!

QUIL: It'll come stalking us at night!

SUE: Set to sacrifice our children to its monstrous appetite!

EMBRY: He'll wreak havoc in La Push if we let it wander free!

SAM:
So it's time to take some action, boys

(LEAH: Uh…)
It's time to follow me
Through the mist, through the woods
Through the darkness and the shadows
It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride
Say a prayer, then we're there
At the drawbridge of a mansion
And there's something truly terrible inside
It's a beast! Its got fangs
Razor sharp ones!
Dirty diapers, killer claws for the feast
Hear it roar! See it foam!
But we're not coming home 'til it's dead--
Good and dead!
Kill the beast!

JACOB: I won't let you do this!

SAM: Try and stop us!

JACOB: Seth, this is all my fault. I have to go back and warn them!

SETH: I'm coming with you

JACOB: No!

LEAH: I lost you once, I won't lose you again!

(EVERYONE stares at LEAH)

JACOB: Then we'd better hurry.

SAM: We'll rid the world of this beast! Who's with me?

WEREWOLVES: I am! I am! I am!
Light your torch! Mount your horse!

SAM: Screw your courage to the sticking place!

WEREWOLVES: We're counting on our Sam to lead the way!

SUE & EMILY:

Through a mist, through a wood
Where within a haunted mansion
Something's lurking that you don't see ev'ry day!

WEREWOLVES:
It's a beast! One as small as a pillow
We won't rest 'til it's good and deceased
Sally forth! Tally ho!
Grab your fur! Grab your paws!
Praise the Lord and here we go!

(Scene changes from the forest to the outside of the CULLEN mansion, WEREWOLVES grab a tree trunk and slam the door with it.)

Let's kill the Beast!
Kill the Beast!
Kill the Beast!
Kill the Beast!

(Music ends and CURTAIN CLOSES)

(CURTAIN OPENS inside the CULLEN mansion, where it is dark. BELLA is on a hospital bed with a lit candle next to her. The thumping on the door can be heard).

BELLA: I think there's someone at the door… Ohmygod, I am starting to feel the pain of childbirth!!!

EDWARD: This may be too graphic!

(EDWARD pulls a light blue hospital sheet around BELLA's bed. Suddenly, the door opens, and the WEREWOLVES get into the house.)

SAM: This place is so scary…

LEAH: One word: Totally.

SETH: Leah, I'm scared.

JACOB: Come on, you guys, and uh, girl. (turns on the lights)

(BELLA screams from behind the hospital sheet)

JACOB: Ohmygod, she's there! (pulls the sheet apart, BELLA is on the bed, covered in blood, RENESMEE comes out, and the music for "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee", from Grease, starts immediately)

RENESMÉE:

LOOK AT ME, I'M RENESMÉE

LOUSY WITH PERFECTIONNESS

WON'T GO TO BED,

TILL MY MOM SAYS OKAY

I CAN'T, I'M RENESMÉE

WATCH IT, HEY I'M SHIRLEY TEE

(RENESMEE starts tap dancing)

I'M ALWAYS BETTER THAN THEE

I'M SO UNIQUE AND MY NAME SOUNDS LIKE SHIT

I DANCE LIKE SHIRLEY T…

I DON'T CRY, OR POOP

I DON'T POISON YOU

I CAN SLEEP FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT

OH OH OH

KEEP YOUR FILTHY PAWS, OFF MY SILKY DIAPERS

(RENESMEE goes up to JACOB)

WOULD YOU TRY THAT OUT WITH MY MOM?

AS FOR YOU, MY JACOB BLACK

I KNOW WHAT YOU WANNA DO

YOU GOT YOUR PRINT, I'M NO OBJECT OF LUST

I'M JUST PLAIN RENESMÉE

JACOB, JACOB, LET ME BE!

KEEP THAT PELVIS FAR FROM ME

I'M JUST A CHILD, AND YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND

HEY, PEDOPHILE

I'M RENESMÉE

(WEREWOLVES are stunned, while BELLA and EDWARD stare lovingly at RENESMEE)

LEAH: Oookay… That was a bit unexpected.

SETH: Yeah, no kidding.

JACOB: She's… so… just, so…. Pretty!

LEAH: Ohmygod, you're imprinting on a baby, you perv!

(A single light illuminates JACOB for a few seconds, until the music for "Honey, Honey", by ABBA, the version from the musical "Mamma Mia", starts playing)

JACOB:

Nessie, Nessie,

how you thrill me, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,
Nessie, Nessie,

nearly killed her, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

I'd heard about you before
I wanted to know some more
And now I know what they mean, you're a pretty babe
Oh, you make me dizzy

Nessie, Nessie,

let me feel it, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(WEREWOLVES: Ah ah, ah ooh!)
Nessie, Nessie,

Don't conceal it, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(WEREWOLVES: Ah ah, ah ooh!)

The way that you cry at night
(the way that you cry at night)
The way that I hold you tight
(the way that I'm holding you tight)
I feel like I wanna sing when you do your thing!

(RENESMEE tap dances in front of JACOB)

Nessie, Nessie,

touch me, baby, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(WEREWOLVES: Ah ah, ah ooh!)
Nessie, Nessie,

hold me, baby, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(WEREWOLVES: Ah ah, ah ooh!)

You look like a movie star
(you look like a movie star)
And I am imprinting on you
(I am imprinting on you)
And, honey, to say the least, you are Bella's kid!

Nessie, Nessie,

how you thrill me, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(WEREWOLVES: Ah ah, ah ooh!)
Nessie, Nessie,

nearly killed her, ah-hah,

Nessie, Nessie,

(WEREWOLVES: Ah ah, ah ooh!)

I'd heard about you before
I wanted to know some more
And now I know what they mean, you're a pretty babe

(Music ends with JACOB on his knees in front of RENESMEE.)

JACOB: You guys, I think I've imprinted on my dear Nessie! (strokes RENESMEE's hair)

LEAH: You think? We all know breaking out singing random Abba songs is part of imprinting.

SAM: Totally, right Dancing Queen?

EMILY: Yeah, baby.

BELLA: Ohmygod, you pervert! Leave my baby alone!

RENESMÉE: Don't worry, Mom. We can share him!

BELLA: Okay, that isn't sick and disgusting at all!

(Music for "Does your mother know", by ABBA, starts in the background. ROSALIE, RENESMEE, and BELLA get up and start dancing around JACOB. BELLA is wearing a silver robe)

BELLA: Hey Jake.

ROSALIE: What's up, dog?

RENESMEE: You know you like this.

(RENESMEE gets close to JACOB, teasing him)

RENESMEE :

You're so hot, teasing me
So you're tall but I can't take a chance on a guy like you
That's something I couldn't do

(BELLA starts dancing sexily around JACOB. He can't take his eyes off RENESMEE. BELLA sings to JACOB.)

BELLA:
There's that look in your eyes
I can read in your face that your feelings are driving you wild
Ah, but Jake, you're only a child

(RENESMEE tap dances around JACOB)

RENESMEE:
Well I can dance with you honey
If you think it's funny
Does my mother know that you're out?

(BELLA grabs JACOB and dances with him)

BELLA:
And I can chat with you baby
Flirt a little maybe
Does my daughter know that you're out?

(ROSALIE starts singing to JACOB from behind him, into his ears. He is just watching RENESMEE tap dance)

ROSALIE:
Take it easy (BELLA & RENESMEE: take it easy)
Better slow down, dog
That's no way to go
Does her mother know?
Take it easy (BELLA & RENESMEE: take it easy)
Try to cool it, dog
Take it nice and slow
Does her daughter know?

RENESMEE: Come on, Wolves!

(WEREWOLVES dance around JACOB, RENESMEE, and BELLA)

RENESMEE:
I can see what you want
But I am pretty young to be searching for that kind of fun
So maybe I'm not the one

BELLA:
Now you're so cute, I like your style
And I know what you mean when you give me a flash of that smile (RENESMEE: Smile)
But Jake, you're only a child

RENESMEE:
Well I can dance with you honey
If you think it's funny
Does my mother know that you're out?

BELLA:
And I can chat with you baby
Flirt a little maybe
Does my daughter know that you're out?

ROSALIE:
Take it easy (BELLA & RENESMEE: take it easy)
Better slow down, dog
That's no way to go
Does her mother know?
Take it easy (BELLA & RENESMEE: take it easy)

Try to cool it, dog
Take it nice and slow
Does her daughter know?

RENESMEE:
Well I can dance with you honey
If you think it's funny
Does my mother know that you're out?

BELLA:
And I can chat with you baby
Flirt a little maybe
Does my daughter know that you're out?

(Music ends with RENESMEE and BELLA each hugging one of JACOB's LEGS and ROSALIE with one of his arms.)

JACOB: Nessie, do you want something to drink?

BELLA: Well that's just great, you perv! Tall perv!

ROSALIE: Don't worry Bella, our daughter, I mean, Renesmée, seems to be doing fine. That dog is a nice kid, right?

BELLA: Yeah, but he's mine! He's supposed to want ME!

STEPHENIE: Hey, I needed a way to ditch Jacob so you could be with Edward. Don't complain about it now!

BELLA: Hmm, I hear this strange voice that is telling me that this ending totally makes sense. Oh well, can't argue with the voices inside my head.

(TANYA, IRINA, CARMEN, and KATE enter the room through the top of the stairs, smiling distractedly.)

TANYA: Hey family! Just dropping by because we need a cup of sugar… What is that? (Points at RENESMEE)

RENESMEE: Hello, I am Renesmée, daughter of Edward and Bella. Nice to meet you! (smiles and curtsies)

IRINA: Ohmygod, you are so busted! (runs away)

CARMEN: Uh, where is Irina going?

KATE: Yeah, who's busted?

TANYA: The vampire baby, they're, like, illegal.

CARMEN: Oh, awkward…

KATE: Yeah…

TANYA: We, uh, have to go. Tootles!

ESME: Bye, chickies!

RENESMEE: Was it something I said? (sad)

JACOB: No Nessie, you are just perfect the way you are.

BELLA: Hmm, lets just hope she doesn't tell the Volturi.

(CURTAIN CLOSES)

(CURTAIN OPENS back in Italy, where the VOLTURI are sitting on a round table, each with a small cup in front of them)

ARO: Okay, so the next activity in the Volturi agenda is… Drinking blood at tea time, to honor our British members! Okay, carry on.

(As they are about to sip their cups, IRINA runs into the room, screaming ARO's name)

IRINA: Aro! Aro! Aro! Aro! Ohmygod, Aro!!!

ARO: Sigh, what's wrong now, Irina?

IRINA: Uh, Edward, the Cullens, and Bella, baby, diapers, werewolves, immortal child, Abba, cup of SUGAR!

ARO: Okay, I'm gonna need you to slow down, Irina. What's wrong? Did the Cullens kill another one of your evil boyfriends?

IRINA: They have a vampire baby!

(Music for "Be Prepared", from the Lion King, starts in the background as ARO talks.)

ARO: I never thought babies were essential. They're crude and unspeakably plain. But vampire babies are even more evil and dangerous… Especially with freaks like the Cullens.

I know that your powers of retention
Are as wet as a werewolf's backside
But thick as you are, pay attention
My words are a matter of pride
It's clear from your vacant expressions
The lights are not all on upstairs
But we're talking kings and successions
Even you can't be caught unaware

So prepare for a chance of a lifetime
Be prepared for sensational news
A shining new era
Is tiptoeing nearer

JANE:
And where do we feature?

ARO:
Just listen to Aro
I know it sounds sordid
But you'll be rewarded
When at last I am given my dues
And injustice deliciously squared
Be prepared!

ALEC: Yeah, be prepared. Yeah-heh... we'll be prepared, heh. ...For what?

ARO: For the death of Renesmée.

ALEC: Why? Is she sick?

ARO: No, fool-- we're going to kill her. And Bella too.

JANE: Great idea! Who needs a hell child?

ALEC & JANE: No freak! No freak! la--la-la--la-laa-laa!

ARO: Idiots! There will be a freak!

ALEC: Hey, but you said, uh...

ARO: I will take the baby! ...Stick with me, and you'll never go scared again!

ALEC & JANE: Yaay! All right! Long live Aro!

VOLTURI: ARO! ARO! ARO! ARO!
It's great that we'll soon be connected.
With a babe who'll be all-time adored.

ARO:

Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected
To take certain duties on board
The future is littered with prizes
And though I'm the main addressee
The point that I must emphasize is
You won't get a sniff without me!
So prepare for the cutest babe ever
(VOLTURI: Oooh!)
Be prepared for the most awesomest girl
(VOLTURI: Oooh... La! La! La!)
Meticulous planning
(We'll have food!)
Tenacity spanning
(VOLTURI: Lots of food)
Decades of denial
(VOLTURI: We repeat)
Is simply why I'll
(VOLTURI: Endless meat)
Be king undisputed
(VOLTURI: Aaaaaaah...)
Respected, saluted
(VOLTURI:...aaaaaaah...)
And seen for the wonder I am
(VOLTURI:...aaaaaaah!)
Yes, my fangs and ambitions are bared
(VOLTURI: Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo)
Be prepared!

VOLTURI:
Yes, our fangs and ambitions are bared
Be prepared!

IRINA: Does that mean you'll kill Bella? Huh? HUH?

ARO: No, it means Alice Cullen's vision from a few months ago will come true. We shall go see this baby first. (evil laughter)

(CURTAIN CLOSES)

(CURTAIN OPENS back at the CULLEN mansion, where JACOB is bring food to RENESMEE and BELLA on a silver tray. The rest of the CULLENS are lounging around the house.)

BELLA: I must say this imprinting thing is kindda fun.

RENESMEE: I know, mom!

(Someone knocks on the door)

BELLA: Hmm sounds like a tree trunk is hitting the door or something. Jacob, go see who it is!

JACOB: Nessie, am I allowed to leave you for a few seconds?

RENESMEE: Sure, Jakeypoo.

JACOB: Aw, Nessie!

BELLA: Ugh, nickname-stealer.

(JACOB opens the door. The VOLTURI and IRINA walk in silently and position themselves around RENESMEE. There is dead silence for a few seconds)

IRINA: That's the thing!

RENESMEE: Hello, I am Renesmée, daughter of Edward and Bella. Nice to meet you! (smiles and curtsies)

IRINA: Look, she's doing it again!!!

ARO: This is the vampire baby?

IRINA: Just look at her, she's so scary!!!

(RENESMEE smiles and curtsies again. There is silence for a few seconds, then ARO leans in and starts squeezing RENESMEE's cheeks)

ARO: Aww, aren't you a cute baby, aren't you a cute baby?!

JANE: Your hair is so pretty!

ALEC: She is so pretty!

IRINA: This can't be happening. (facepalm)

ROSALIE: Welcome to my world.

ARO: Edward Cullen, is your wife a vampire by now?

EDWARD: Yes, don't you see how hot she is now?

(BELLA opens her robe to reveal very small and tight dress)

BELLA: Hell yeah, I am!

ARO: Then I guess everything is okay. Irina, you should go back on your medications, just in case… Bye everyone!

ESME: Bye Aro, nice to see you again!

CARLISLE: Say hi to the boys from me!

BELLA: Yay! I can see this is the beginning of our forever!

(Music for "Ever Ever After", by Carrie Underwood, starts. Everyone gets into their respective groups, vampires on the left side of the stage, and werewolves on the right side)

BELLA:

Dazzling ever after!

(Sparkly!)

Romantic endings, mythology coming true

(Ever after!)

EDWARD:

Deep down inside we want to believe we can too!

JACOB:

In our secretest heart, it's our favorite part of the novel

ALICE:

Let's just admit we all want to make it too

EVERYONE:

Dazzling ever after!

RENESMEE:

If we just don't get it our own way

EVERYONE

Dazzling ever after

ROSALIE:

It may only be a page away

ALICE:

Start a new fashion wear your heart on your sleeve

JACOB:

Sometimes you reach what's real just by making believe

ARO, ALEC & JANE:

Unafraid, unashamed

There is joy to be claimed in this world

LEAH:

You even might wind up being glad to be you

EVERYONE:

Dazzling ever after

CARLISLE & ESME:

Though the world will tell you it's not smart

EVERYONE:

Dazzling ever after

SAM, EMBRY, QUIL, & SETH:

The world can be yours if you let your heart

Believe in ever after

TANYA, IRINA, CARMEN & KATE:

No wonder your heart feels it's flying

Your head feels it's spinning

EDWARD:

Each happy ending's a brand new beginning

BELLA:

Let yourself be all dazzled, you just might break through

EVERYONE:

To dazzling ever after

JACOB:

Forever could even start today

EVERYONE:

Dazzling ever after

ALICE:

Maybe it's just one wish away

EVERYONE:

You're dazzling ever after

Everever ever after

BELLA:

I've been dreaming of a true love's bite!

Oh, for dazzling ever after !

(Everyone finishes in Broadway-style poses in the center of the stage. CURTAINS CLOSE. All the main characters get in line quickly for the last number)

CARLISLE: ROLL CALL!

MAIN CHARACTERS :

I'm Alice!

Jasper

Rosalie

Emmett

Esme

Carlisle

Jacob

Renesmée

Tanya, Irina, Aro, Alec, Jane

Sam

Leah

Seth, Embry, Quil, Sue, Emily

Edward

And I'm…. BELLA!

(EVERYONE is on stage, they say thanks, and CURTAINS CLOSE for one last time. STEPHENIE is still visible on her desk.)

STEPHENIE: And everyone lives happily ever after… Oh this story is so uhmazing!

(THE END)