Quietly Forever


"I know." She flushes, dipping her chin and steadfastly refusing to look at him. Bright eyed and a delicate flush to the rise of her cheekbones, Kate chews on her lip for a moment before she continues. "I heard you, that day. I just. . .you never said it again. And I didn't want it to be awkward if I brought it up and you had to explain that you didn't really mean it."

Dropping his hand from her face, Rick folds them carefully in his lap in a most likely futile attempt to prevent himself from touching her again. She's so beautiful in her vulnerability; he imagines he can see her heart fluttering right below the surface of her skin.

"I meant it – mean it – more than anything. And I know you want to solve your mom's case first. Before you can really do this."

"No!" She blurts out, glancing up at him with almost as much surprise as is thundering through him right now. "I thought I had to. To make the wall come down. But solving her case won't do that. Almost a year of therapy will."

"You're in therapy?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just wanted to put in the work."

He huffs, surprised by the hurt that wells up inside of him like a fresh wound. Shrugging, he shifts to be just a little further away from her. Yes, he loves her. Desperate, all-consuming. It doesn't make the pain any less. "I'm used to you keeping things from me."

It makes her wince, makes her shrink back into the seat and pick at the jagged edge of a fingernail. "You're angry about Will."

"I'm hurt that you didn't trust me enough to tell me." Rick gruffs out, his hands in fists against his knees. He would never, ever do anything to hurt her, but she's so goddamn frustrating that it takes all of his self-control not to smash something else.

Maybe launch a glass at the cover art for the latest Nikki Heat book the same way he did this time last year. And why, anyway, do they always fight right before the summer? Twice now he's lost her for the duration of the warm weather, only managing to restore their equilibrium once the leaves turn.

He will not do it again. "I don't know what more I can do to make you see me, Kate. I'm right here, I have been this whole time."

"I know. I know you are. I'm so sorry." She grabs for his hand and he lets her have it, finds that even now he can't deny her anything. And maybe that's part of their problem. When it comes to Kate, he finds it so hard to stand up for himself, to push her for any more than she gives of herself.

It's why they've been in this stalemate for almost a year now, neither of them willing to risk their heart for the possibility of more. "Kate. I want to be the person you talk to. I want to be your partner in everything. Not just the precinct."

"You already are." Her answer is immediate, certain, and it appeases something raw inside him he didn't know was there.

"Okay."

Kate shifts to get closer to him, the side of her body coming up against his and he wants her so much, too much. Of course she knows it; the more optimistic side of him wants to believe that she feels it too. Her fingers are stroking over the vibrant blue of his veins at his wrist, the skin there soft and papery.

"When something happens, I want to tell you. No matter what it is. If I get a flat tire or I see a funny poster on the subway, all I want to do is call you and tell you about it."

"So why don't you?"

Her head falls to rest against his shoulder and it startles him, makes him jerk in surprise and throw her off. Entirely on accident, but she sits ramrod straight at his side instead, her body almost trembling with what he assumes to be restraint. It's been four years, four books, but he feels like he doesn't know her at all.

"It didn't seem fair to you. To behave as if we were in a relationship, but not be able to go all in with you." She seems mournful, as if they've already missed their chance, and he hates it.

Rick uncurls his fist and splays his fingers at her knee, in part to halt the jackhammer of her movement but also just because he needs to feel the warmth of her skin through her dress pants, the way her whole body lifts into his touch. "And now?"

"I said yes to a date, didn't I?" She manages a grin, even if it is a little watery at the edges. He can't help but wonder how different tonight would have been if her brother hadn't called.

Would he have been brave enough to bare his heart? Would she have been as responsive as she is now? He hopes so. "But then you cancelled."

"That was a mistake. I shouldn't have made you feel less important than Will. This – us – it's the most important thing in my life, Castle."

He feels his jaw drop at that. Kate's sitting there, demure as ever, looking as if she hasn't just shaken the very foundations of his knowledge of her. This whole time he's been operating under the assumption that her mother's case is the most important thing and only by solving it will they ever have a chance.

But here she is, telling him otherwise. Offering him an olive branch he can snatch up with both hands. "What about your mom?"

"Of course it matters, and I do want to get justice for her. But it doesn't have to be today. And she'd want me to live my life, to honour her that way. Doctor Burke helped me to see that."

"That's your therapist?"

"Yeah." She nods, her mouth quirking up at the corner. He's so glad for it. At least even when she hasn't been able to talk to him, to let him help, she's had someone else to do so in his place. He's. . .a little jealous, yes, but relieved too.

"That's really great, Kate. I know she'd be proud of you."

Chewing on her lip again, Beckett regards him for a moment and then seems to steel herself. "The reason I said yes to dinner with you, Rick, is because I want to start living. And I want to do that with you. I'm done holding back."

"Okay. . ." He trails off, waiting on her to clarify what exactly that means for them.

"Do you think we could still have our date?" She says softly, watching him through the ink of her lashes. Her mouth parted in anticipation and he wants, badly, to kiss her.

Not yet. "Sure. And if it's okay with you, I'd really like to meet this mysterious brother of yours."

She giggles, then, toppling sideways into him with joy. And he lets himself laugh too, his face against the crown of her head to bask in the scent of her. It's quite strange, to be laughing together in his study at close to midnight. For his love to be out in the open, something beautiful between them.

"I'd really like that. I'm sure you'll get on great. Maybe we could meet him for lunch tomorrow?" Kate murmurs, her head pillowed against his shoulder now. He'd quite happily stay here, with her, for the rest of his life.

"Sure. Just let me know what the plan is, okay?"

"Okay." She yawns, enormously, and then she giggles and buries her face against him. "I think that's my cue to leave."

"You could stay." She sits up to look at him, her eyebrow arched and he splutters to continue. "I mean- guest room. . .not that I- if you wanted to- we could."

Kate stands up slowly, rolling her shoulders in a way that makes her body look so damn enticing he hardly knows what to do with himself. So he does what he always has. Follows her.

"We're not quite there yet, Castle." She says, because they both know that if she stayed it wouldn't be in the guest room. And yeah, she's right.

He's still hurting over her secrets, the dual blow more than he can get over in five minutes. Yes, he understands her motivations. Why she kept both her brother and her memories from him. Doesn't really lessen the sting. Only time can do that now, but he hopes that having her smiling at him just the way she is now will help.

"Right."

Somehow, they make it to his front door and he manages to open it for her without making a bumbling fool of himself. She steps through and then hesitates in the threshold, turning back to him. "Until tomorrow?"

"Of course."

"Castle. Thank you, for understanding. And. . .for loving me." She lifts a shoulder and he scrambles for her hand, cradles it against his chest in both of his.

Before he can think better of it, he skims his mouth over her knuckles. A part of him wants to say always, but he worries that if he says it too much it will lose all meaning. "I won't stop. No matter how long you need."

Coming in close to his body, Kate lifts onto tiptoe and pushes her mouth against his, her fingers curled at his shoulder. It's a burst of a kiss, startling and utterly exhilarating and when she drops back to the floor she laughs at the utter shock he can feel all over his face.

"I don't need long at all."

She takes back the hand he's still holding on to and clasps both of hers, presses her lips together as she regards him. Rationally, he knows he ought to say something. Or maybe kiss her again. But he's dumbstruck, paralysed, can only watch as she turns and heads down the hallway towards the elevator with a last smile cast over her shoulder at him.

Rick waits for the elevator to arrive and Kate to step inside before he closes the front door, leaning heavily against it and pressing a hand to his mouth to keep the taste of her safe and close. If this is how it's going to work, them dating and kissing and actually managing a somewhat normal relationship for once?

He can't wait.