Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. I also would like to thank everyone who added this story to their alerts or favorites. There were dozens of you.
Part Two: Maybe You Will Take Me By Surprise
It has been a few weeks since the incident where Jim kissed him the human way and so far Jim has had no indication of remembering the incident. There has also been no other indications that Jim wanted their relationship to go beyond the human definition of friendship.
Jim did not try to engage in a human style kiss since the birthday incident. Spock told himself that he was not disappointed that such a thing had not occurred. Spock was also not jealous of any inanimate objects such as an apple that is allowed to make contact with those lips. He also did not stare intensely at those moments.
Since it was obvious Jim was only pursuing the human version of friendship with him, it seemed only logical two completely ignore the incident that occurred on Jim's birthday. His experience with Cadet X taught him that humans may engage in behaviors when intoxicated that they may not otherwise engage in. Jim sexual advances on his birthday were another example of this behavior in humans. Spock chose to ignore the ancient earth proverb about their "being truth in wine."
In the same vein Jim starting to spend the night occasionally was not an indication of Jim wanting their relationship to go beyond the platonic. It was completely irrelevant. He will completely ignore certain physical reactions from Jim. It was perfectly normal for a human male to have an erection first thing in the morning. He told himself that it was not necessarily a sign that Jim was sexually attracted to him. Spock chooses to ignore the fact that every morning he spends a great deal of time and mental energy keeping himself from having an erection or any other outward sign of arousal. He is not attracted to Jim.
Spock chose to ignore the feelings of lust that roll off Jim every time they make physical contact. He tells himself that this is just a normal part of Jim's personality and it is not an indication of a desire to add a sexual component to their friendship beyond the kisses that they currently share.
Spock also chose to ignore the fact that he must spend a great deal of mental energy preventing an erection from occurring every time he sees Jim doing inappropriate things to a hard candy refer to on earth as a lollipop during one of their regular chess games. The last time this occured he diverted 20% of his mental energy to preventing his body from showing any outward signs of arousal. He must admit that he became so distracted by the way James tongue wrapped its way around the sugary apple flavor confection that he actually lost a game to Jim for the very first time.
This was the first time he actually sawa display of them are extremely cocky behavior that Cadet Uhura warned him about. Spock was at a lost to determine if he found this behavior enchanting or highly irritating. It was fascinating.
James took this cocky behavior of his into his second attempt at the Kobayashi Maru two days later. He was once again asked to observe because this was the first time a student has attempted to take the test a second time since he began programming it. Spock would not admit it to himself that he was planning on observing Jim anyway. He tells himself he was only there to observe Jim so that he may improve the test. He was not there to give Jim emotional support. Providing emotional support to Jim would be illogical.
Most people know that the Kobayashi Maru is not about winning. Some even know it's about facing fear and still performing. Of course, since he has become acquainted with Jim Kirk he has come to the conclusion that Jim is like no other human being he has ever met.
What most people don't know is that this is a test of leadership. People that can lead even when everything is falling apart are a rarity. The purpose of the test has always been to weed out those that are not qualified to be a leader.
44.3% of all cadets that take this exam walked into the room as if it is impossible for them to pass the simulation and therefore they do not even try. Historically 95.4% of these cadets never complete the command track program. 43.2% of cadets walk into the room as if they know it is impossible to win, but still try. Historically 18.3% of these students do not complete the command track. Of the remaining students most of these believe it may be possible to beat the test until they actually take it. 98.2% of these cadets actually complete the command track.
None of them except for the cadet in front of him presently, truly believed that the simulation was real. Jim actually treated the simulation as a real crisis. He truly believe that he could win or more accurately save everyone. He was completely unwilling to believe that failure was possible.
This worried Spock for many reasons. Mostly it was Jim's inability to accept that death would be possible in a situation. He told himself that he was only worried about this because Jim was to be assigned to Enterprise. As the ship's future first officer, he must ensure that those on the crew did not have suicidal tendencies. (The car in the ravine incident did not count.) He was worried that Jim's reckless behavior will get him killed in the first week.
(Although Jim was unaware that he was assigned to the ship that inspired him to join Starfleet, Spock already knew this because he was the one who assigned him to the ship. His decision to assign Jim to Enterprise had nothing to do with his personal feelings for the cadet in question. Not that Vulcans had personal feelings. Jim was assigned to the ship solely based on Jim's remarkable skills. The fact that he would have a person on the ship that completely understood him was of no consequence.)
At the same time, he knows that Jim's inability to believe in no wins scenarios has kept him alive so far. From the moment he was born, he has proved repeatedly that there is no such thing as a hopeless situation. A premature baby born 10 weeks early in the middle of an evacuation should have died, but he did not.
If Jim believe there was no way out Jim would have never have survived Frank. If Jim believed in no wins scenarios, he probably would have been among the thousands of dead on Tarsus IV. Because Jim did not believe any situation was truly hopeless he was still among them. At that moment Spock was grateful for that alone. Not that he would voice such a thing out loud. Gratefulness was an emotion. As a Vulcan he should not feel such a thing.
Spock knows Jim well enough now to know that there was something deeper than trying to win a test here. He was not running away and he was really trying to save everyone. This was shown by the fact he completely fried the simulation. He actually saw smoke coming from one of the computers.
Even though the outcome was the same, Jim prove that he learned from his mistakes. He tried a completely different strategy. He did nothing the same as he did the time before. As hard as he tried, he could not save everyone. He was able to save those on the ship, but died himself.
Just like last time Jim sat in the middle of the simulation going over every single thing he did wrong afterwards. Unlike last time, Jim threw a punch at the control console. This time he wasn't sure if Jim was talking to himself or to him. He told Jim that he would be observing him.
No other student has ever truly analyzed the test like this. They were usually out the door the moment it was over. Then again, Jim was the only person so far that has asked to take the exam a second time. He already has a feeling that Jim will be the first person to take the test for a third time.
After allowing Jim to "let off some steam" as is the expression on earth, he realizes that Jim will not leave the room of his own free will again. Instead of sending in a student to do it, he decides to get Jim out of the room himself. He wordlessly grabbed Jim's hand and pulled him out of the chair. He allowed Jim to hold his hand as they left the simulation area.
Even if he was not a touch telepath, he could pick up on Jim's troubled emotions. He felt Jim's need for comfort. Therefore, he is perfectly willing to give Jim comfort in any way possible. Even if it was sharing a kiss in the middle of the simulation lab or holding his hand as they walked out of the lab.
It is the first time Spock has allowed Jim to engage in such intimate contact in public. Most people on earth do not understand the intimacy of direct hand-to-hand contact for Vulcans. He did not really care if anyone recognize the symbol for what it really was. He does not contemplate the fact that if most people on earth do not understand the true meaning of direct hand-to-hand contact with the Vulcan, then Jim may not be aware that they are kissing.
He was shocked that Jim was willing to accept his invitation to come to his apartment. When Jim mentioned the desire to get "completely trashed" as the humans put it he expressed his concern. However, he did not tell Jim exactly what happened the last time Jim consumed vast quantities of alcohol.
He did take note of the fact that Jim was completely unaware that alcohol had no affect on Vulcan physiology. He decided not to analyze what other possible gaps Jim could have in his knowledge of Vulcan biology.
After their obligatory discussion about the test, they decided to watch a film. The Fact that he was willing to discuss the historical inaccuracies of 20th and 21st century cinema was of no consequence.
It also meant nothing that he was again willing to eat Jim's favorite junk food pizza. He saw no importance to the fact that Jim started eating a vegetarian friendly spinach and feta pizza in Spock's presents instead of his favorite pepperoni pizza.
There is no significant meaning to the fact that they decided to watch these old films in his room instead of on the screen in the living room. There is no meaning whatsoever in the fact that Jim has gotten into the habit of using his torso as his own personal pillow. There is also nothing whatsoever unusual about the fact that at some point Spock puts his hand on Jim's. It is completely irrelevant that they usually fall asleep on the bed together. There is nothing unusual whatsoever about the fact that they will usually wake up together completely entangled.
Again, he does not take notice of Jim's morning erection. As usual, he tells himself that a human male having an erection in the morning does not signify sexual interest in another party.
Three days later, if he were not Vulcan he would have cursed himself for showing any affection to Jim whatsoever in public. One of the few people who knew the true significance of Spock grabbing Jim's hand several days previously witnessed everything. They also saw the kissing. They were also aware that Spock allowed Jim to hold his hand, which on Vulcan is considered 'third base'.
The fact that it was Cadet Uhura who still had a non platonic interest in him made the situation much more intolerable. Fortunately, the cadet chose to confront him during his office hours instead of a class filled with students. That was the only positive thing so far.
"I thought you said you didn't date students. Was that just an excuse? I saw you making out with Jim,by your standards, in the simulation lab." She practically yelled at him.
"Not that it is any of your business but I'm not dating Cadet Kirk." That statement is somewhat true. On Vulcan they would actually be considered engaged by this point if a mental bond had occurred. He was also aware that in some cultures on earth their behavior was well within the parameters of a couple that was engaging in a courtship ritual. However even if he and Cadet Kirk were dating, it was none of cadet Uhura's "business" as humans would say.
"Of course, you're not dating. This is Jim Kirk. Jim Kirk doesn't date. He just fucks a lot. He's nothing but a conceited slut. He's probably trying to pass your linguistics class on his back."
It is very difficult to trigger anger in a Vulcan or really any emotion for that matter. Yet her words did just that. The only time previously he felt these turbulent emotions was when a certain classmate said inappropriate things about his mother. At last, he heard that individual still has difficulty breathing despite the corrective surgery to rectify the problem created when Spock broke his nose.
"You will not use that vulgar language in my presence, especially relating to one of your classmates." He said an octet higher than normal. "What I do or do not do with Cadet Kirk is of no consequence to you. Academy regulations preclude me from engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with any student who is directly under my instruction. However because Cadet Kirk is not one of my students he would not fall under that regulation unlike you cadet."
He tried to walk away from her but she grabbed his arm. He turned around more at her next words then her physical contact. It would be impossible for a human female to be able to stop a full-grown Vulcan male.
"He is not in any of your classes because he doesn't have the intellectual capacity to understand half the things you teach." If he were human he would probably point out the fact that Jim spoke better Klingon than he did due to his mom's job. However because he is a Vulcan he would not be that petty.
"Your opinions about someone you do not know is disturbing at best. It is best not to judge someone so harshly based solely on one experience. How do you expect to do your job properly when you become a communications officer if you automatically judge people by such illogical standards?"
"I'm not being judgmental. His reputation precedes him." Spock is well aware that Jim's reputation precedes him. He also is well aware that the rumors are just that, rumors.
People assume that just because Jim looks at her or him, he is interested in having sexual intercourse with her or him. Jim is sexual by nature. However, Spock knows for a fact that the only bed Jim has been in recently was his and he is quite certain that no sexual intercourse has occurred.
Spock chooses not to meditate on the fact that he is somewhat disappointed by that fact. However, disappointment is an emotion of sorts. He will not feel any emotion such as disappointment. He refuses to let himself feel anything such as lust, longing, or possibly even love in relationship to Jim.
"I'm just worried about you. I'm your friend and I don't want you to get hurt." As she said this last line he felt her make direct skin contact with his forearm. He felt a combination of jealousy and lust with a little concern, which was mostly masked by her jealousy. This upsets him.
"Contrary to your point of view, I am quite capable of taking care of myself. Again, my relationship with Cadet Kirk is of no consequence to you. If you make me choose between your friendship and his, you will be sadly disappointed by my choice." With that, he left her behind.
Three days later, he did not have Jim attend his weekly study session as an assistant for some of the students having difficulty with the language solely for the purposes of proving to Cadet Uhura that Jim is much more than what he appears. He simply wanted the students to benefit from someone who spent several months on that planet learning about the language first hand.
Her words did not discourage him from spending more time with Jim. Actually, they had the opposite effect. He started to spend more time with Jim. In addition to the nightly chess games or general "hanging out" as the humans term it, he started having lunch with Jim in his office three or four times a week.
He was perfectly willing to eat lunch with Jim in the student cafeteria, but he preferred the privacy of his office. This had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Jim had a tendency to lick certain food substances off of his fingers during these meals. His desire to have private lunchtime with Jim also had nothing to do with engaging in extreme physical contact that would be considered pornographic on Vulcan.
He did flash back to the feel of Jim's mouth on his 3.4 weeks earlier when he engaged in a drunken human kiss with the cadet that was an obvious prelude to sexual intercourse. He did not think about what other appendages he would like to have Jim to suck. His heart rate did not increase as he thought about these things. That would be unseemly for a Vulcan. He conveniently forgets at these moments that he is half-human.
His desire to spend lunch alone with Jim also had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Spock wanted Jim's attention completely to himself. If they ate in the student cafeteria, eventually some woman (or Man) would proposition him or Jim. He did not want this to occur because it would ruin the mood, not that it would upset him greatly to see Jim flirt with someone else. Even if Jim did choose to flirt with someone in front of him, it is of no consequence. Vulcans do not get jealous.
Over the next month Jim started spending more time at his apartment. He told himself this is only logical because his apartment was much more conducive to studying then Jim's tiny dorm room surrounded by first-year students who will most likely die of alcohol poisoning before they even received their first commissioned. It had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact he enjoyed spending time with Jim beyond what is normal for two friends.
He did not examine the fact that he was perfectly comfortable sitting at the dining room table grading tests as Jim studied for his exams. He did not over analyze the fact that he started grading his papers at his apartment instead of his office so that he had more time to spend with Jim. He also did not analyze the fact that Jim started studying at Spock's apartment instead of in the library or in his tiny dorm room. Spock did not take note when they started doing this in his bedroom instead of in the dining room. He thought nothing of the fact that Jim would use his torso again as a pillow as he studied for his exam for advance tactical command.
He did not find it strange when Jim started spending the night 85.71% of the time. He told himself that this was perfectly logical because it would be illogical for Jim to go back to his apartment at 0200 hours after they watched a movie marathon or Spock helped him study for his exam.
It was all so perfectly logical for Jim to share his bed. He would be being a bad host if he made Jim sleep on the floor. Spock did not think about the fact that his couch was what is refer to as a convertible in standard and therefore could be made into a bed for Jim.
Jim's sleeping in his bed had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that he enjoyed waking Up next to Jim. Spock is absolutely 100% sure his desire had nothing whatsoever to do with him seeing Jim in a romantic context even though he must spend more and more time each day preventing himself from having a visible outward sign of arousal. He also did not enjoy sleeping with Jim because he usually ended up curled around him at some point during the night.
On the days when it happened the other way around, he tells himself that the obvious erection digging into his backside is not a sign of any sexual attraction on Jim's part. He has been telling himself that particular thing more often lately as he ignores the increased time that Jim spends in the shower.
He also does not accidentally here Jim say his name in something that sounds like a moan when he is inside the shower. Their relationship is purely platonic.
He ignored the fact that more and more of Jim's possessions ended up in Spock's apartment. At first it was things like the brand new antique chess set, that Jim acquired for himself, being left at Spock's apartment because they were more likely to use it there. Eventually Spock started coming across more and more video files that obviously came from Jim in his collection.
After Jim started spending the night occasionally, a toothbrush and various toiletry items that Jim preferred managed to make their way into his bathroom. A few weeks later, a spare cadet uniform and various articles of civilian clothing made their way to his apartment. Earlier that morning, if it were not for superior Vulcan reflexes, he would have tripped and fell over Jim's retro Nikes in their bedroom. Spock chooses to ignore the fact that he just referred to the bedroom as "theirs".
Unfortunately, due to the fact that Jim kept leaving things in his apartment he was forced to come out of his self imposed denial about Jim's feelings for him. Due to Starfleet's contract with Nokia, almost all PADDs used by cadets and instructors look identical. Instead of picking up his PADD this morning he picked up Jim's. However, Spock did not realize this until he unlocked the devise and saw a file labeled strategy to beat Kobayashi Maru.
In all honesty, that was not the actual name of the file and it was highly encrypted. However, due to his knowledge of Jim and his own computer skills he was able to access the file quite easily. If it were not technically cheating, he would be proud with the amount of thought in pre planning Jim put into this. Not that he would ever show pride because that was an emotion.
Jim essentially bribed another student to enter a subroutine into the program that will change the parameters of the test, making it possible if one is skilled enough to save everyone. It was not an outright win, but it changed the parameters of his program so that a win was at least possible.
Spock did not contemplate the significance of the fact that Jim chose to utilize the services of another student to employ the program instead of simply putting the program directly into the device Spock will use to update the program. Jim had access to the device. Spock actually let him use that particular piece of equipment three days ago to study for a class when he accidentally left his PADD at his apartment. Why did he not use that opportunity to implant the subroutine?
Then he remembered Jim's words from the night he failed the second time. He specifically told Spock not to ask questions. He specifically said Spock needed to have "plausible deniability". That was when he realized Jim was specifically making sure that Spock could not get in trouble for his actions. He was at a loss for why Jim would do such a thing for approximately 42.3 seconds.
At that time his fingers slipped and he accidentally open a file labeled "sexy Vulcan professor". Due to his ability to speed read, he was completely aware of the entire contents of the file in approximately 69.6 seconds.
He learned the following: for the entire three weeks between their initial meeting and when Jim declared his interest in being Spock's friend, Jim refer to him as "Sexy Vulcan Professor". Second, Jim found him very aesthetically pleasing and wished to engage in sexual intercourse with him from their initial contact alone.
Third, Jim was completely unaware that they were kissing every time they made hand contact. However, Jim did feel that same electric shock every time Jim touched him. Fourth, even though after more than seven months of friendship Jim still has feelings of a sexual nature for him. Finally, Jim will not act on these feelings because he values Spock's friendship too much to do anything.
If Vulcans could feel shock, that would be the only applicable word to describe his current state of mental well being. Spock quickly came to the conclusion that he was lying to himself every time he said there was nothing to Jim's physical reactions of arousal or many of the other ways they behaved around each other.
Unfortunately, Spock did not have time to contemplate what this all meant because Cadet Uhura showed up to his office to let him know that she just found his "boyfriend" underneath her roommates bed.
To Be Continued
