Memories Relived, Part II
Disclaimer: Me no own CCS, you no sue me. Yay! (Can anyone suggest another disclaimer?)
absolutefluffiness says: A fast update! I was hesitant as I felt it wasn't ready yet, but since this is a slow-paced story, I guess I can make up for it by updating fairly frequently. More notes below.
Previously: Sakura remembers her whirlwind affair with Yue, and Tomoyo brings up some truths Sakura appears not to be ready for.
Cheated On – Sakura's College Years
College was a relief to Sakura, and she joyfully enrolled in the preschool teaching course that she wanted. With Tomoyo as her roommate, she rented an apartment near Tokyo University.
It was like being free. People had no preconceived notions of who she was there, and best of all, no one knew what had happened to her in high school. Sakura happily signed up for organizations, extracurricular activities, and got herself into a whirlwind of social activity which Tomoyo encouraged.
It was through one of the clubs she joined that she met Emile. He was just a few inches taller, slightly chubby, but very cute. His shy smile attracted her, and when he asked her out, Sakura was thrilled. He was romantic and kind, and he paid attention to her—very unlike her terrible high school boyfriend Kito, whom Sakura tried not to think about.
Tomoyo encouraged the budding friendship, and six months later, Emile quietly proposed to Sakura that they go steady. And Sakura, determined not to repeat her mistakes in high school, tried to get to know Emile as well as she could, spending time with him, making him good meals, being sweet.
He found it funny. "And why do you want to know my favorite flower?" he asked as they snuggled on a large couple's swing.
"I just want to know all I can about you," Sakura kissed the tip of his nose, then wiggled her toes in happiness.
"Mmm. Orchids," Emile said, his dark brown eyes alight with humor. "Your favorite? You can't be the only one asking these questions."
"Nadeshiko blossoms! Favorite color?"
Emile laughed, running a hand through his short black hair. "I feel silly. Blue? Yours, I know, is pink."
"Okay," Sakura nodded, then giggled as Emile kissed her.
"Do you have a list or something?" Emile asked curiously.
"No. But I take everything you say down in my mind."
"That's sweet," Emile grinned, and kissed her hand. "That's why I love you."
Sakura beamed at him, and thanked the gods for bringing him into her life.
He liked to surprise her; once, he'd pounced on her after class, covering her eyes and asking, "Guess who?"
"Emile!" Sakura flung her arms around his neck. The gentle-looking boy kissed her back, his dark eyes alight with laughter.
Sakura had made a happy return to love thanks to Emile. He was kind and sweet, and he didn't pressure her to get into bed with him at the first opportunity. He was taking engineering, and intended to become a city councilor.
It was a cozy, sweet relationship, as far as everyone knew—even Sakura. They moved from kissing to gentle making-out, and Sakura was grateful he never pushed her for more. Their relationship seemed like a textbook romance, and something nagged at her as a result.
"I don't get it," Sakura said as she lolled in Tomoyo's room in their apartment. "We're happy. Why am I worried?"
Tomoyo was distracted, but working hard to cover it up; she had seen the young man she loved just that afternoon, and she didn't want Sakura to know. "Hmm...Maybe it's because you're not used to quiet relationships, Sakura-chan? No offense meant."
Sakura paused, chewing on a chocolate Pocky stick as she thought. "Well, yeah, maybe," she mused. "Oh, I'm being silly!"
Tomoyo would blame herself when the relationship blew up; she had been sneaking out of the apartment to meet with the boy she loved. They would make passionate love, him skipping work, her cutting class. It was as though they knew their time together would not last...and given that he was cheating on someone else, it was doomed.
Preoccupied this, Tomoyo had not noticed the warning signs: Emile making excuses to Sakura for not seeing her, Emile breaking dates at the last second, Emile being busy with study groups.
And so when Sakura received the video in her email, it had shattered her.
Tomoyo knew Emile was popular because of his leadership at a school fraternity, and he was sought after by the girls of the corresponding sorority. Sakura had turned down the sorority's invitation for her to join them, and unknowingly had set herself up for retribution from the rich, snobbish girls.
"Hey, I have a video in my email," Sakura called to Tomoyo, who had just arrived, freshly bathed to hide the evidence of an afternoon her forbidden lover had spent making love to her. "How do I open the file?"
Tomoyo froze, terrified that Sakura would know what she had been up to that afternoon. She soon realized that Sakura was too engrossed in preparing her Christmas present to Emile. So she came over, and saw that the subject line was 'Surprise from Emile!' "Surprise from Emile? But the email address isn't his," she said, feeling a bit wary of the video.
"Will DivX run this?" Sakura asked curiously.
"Try it," Tomoyo said.
Sakura clicked on 'download' and when the player ran, she was horrified to see a drunken Emile at a fraternity party pawing the leader of the sorority. He even pulled down the girl's shirt and bra to expose her breasts, and laughed raucously.
"Aw, won't your sweet and cute girlfriend mind?" the sorority leader, whose name was Akane, asked as she ground her hips on his lap.
"That virgin?" Emile snorted; it was an ugly side of him neither Sakura nor Tomoyo had even suspected was there. "Nah. She expects white lace and wedding bells. I wanna get laid tonight." He made a lewd gesture with his hips and everyone roared with laughter.
"Wanna do me?" Akane asked, leering at the camera. "I promise I won't be sweet and virginal." She raised her skirt and showed him her underwear—a tiny thong that left little to the imagination.
For an answer, Emile groped her. Akane laughed and ground her hips into his hand. The camera followed as they vanished through a doorway in the fraternity house. Then an off-camera girl's voice sneered, "Hey Kinomoto! This is what happens when you don't put out, and when you think you're too good for the rest of us!" High-pitched laughter from several women followed, and then the camera entered the bedroom.
Tomoyo turned away; Sakura watched in horror as it showed Emile having sex with Akane. Every now and then he would make a crude comment, like "Your boobs are bigger than hers! Lemme have a handful!" And she knew he meant her.
The video ended after a while, but Sakura had been unable to tear her eyes away from it.
"Oh my God...I am so sorry..." was all Tomoyo could say. Sakura had numbly walked away, and was beginning to pack things in a bag.
"Sakura?"
"I have...to return his presents," was the soft, frozen reply. "Only," Sakura spoke through her tears, which Tomoyo could see Sakura did not even feel, "I can't do it myself. Could you...please...give them back for me?" She tossed in the stuffed toys, the dried flowers, the love notes mechanically. Then she began, suddenly, to laugh. "He's wrong about one thing. I'm not a virgin," Sakura said.
No. No, no, no...Tomoyo's hands flew to Sakura's mouth. "Don't, Sakura! Don't hurt yourself by bringing that up."
"Maybe I should've slept with him after all," Sakura continued to laugh hollowly. "Seems that's what he wanted." Then she began to sob in earnest. She had trusted Emile, thought he was the one to heal her wounds from Kito...yet he'd wound up inflicting more on her.
"Oh Sakura," Tomoyo said as she held her best friend in her arms. She stroked Sakura's short auburn hair gently as Sakura cried, just as stunned. The video had clearly been taken on purpose, and Emile, drunk as he was, clearly did not love Sakura if he could sneer about her in that way.
Why did this have to happen? Tomoyo raged inside. She knew Sakura was heartsore because she'd constantly been rejected—through no fault of her own. Yukito Tsukishiro, her brother's boyfriend, had been her crush; she'd taken the news of his relationship with Toya cheerfully. She'd liked a boy in middle school, and told him of her feelings; luckily Haru was a kind boy, and told her that he liked her but not that way—because he wanted to court Tomoyo. Tomoyo had turned him down in order not to break Sakura's heart even more.
And the one man she had loved in her life...no. Tomoyo couldn't bear to tell Sakura the truth about who she loved. It would hurt her, and she loved Sakura too much for that. Yet she could not stay away from him—and would be unable to do so until the day he died in a terrible accident. He wanted to leave with her, to run away, but Tomoyo refused to hurt so many people with an impulsive act.
Why did these things happen to Sakura? Tomoyo would never know. And since she couldn't promise Sakura that things would be all right, she simply consoled poor Sakura and stayed by her side.
I wish she could smile truly again, Tomoyo prayed.
When she returned Emile's gifts the next day, he had the grace to look ashamed. "Tomoyo-san..."
"It's Daidouji to you," Tomoyo cut him off coldly, dropping the bags at his feet so she wouldn't have to touch him.
"...er..." Emile scratched his head. "Can you help me? I know I, uh, pulled a boo-boo there," and he laughed, "but...You see, I still like Sakura and I think she'd make a good trophy wife for my political career, so maybe I could...can you help me win her back?" He smiled at her in what he thought was a winning manner.
Tomoyo drew herself to her full height. "No." She wanted to add, 'you stupid whorish scumbag, you disgusting asshole' but she did not want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd gotten to her too. She made a hand signal, and her bodyguards stepped forward.
"Try to approach me or Sakura-chan again, and..." Tomoyo began to laugh her oh-ho-ho-ho laugh, but in a cold manner, "maybe you'd like someone else in my family to deal with you?"
Emile went pale; the rumor on campus was that Tomoyo's father was the ruthless Yakuza leader Kirigo Daidouji, who had been known to slowly cut pieces off his enemies while keeping them alive.
"No...S...Sorry!" He'd fled, leaving the gifts behind.
Tomoyo snorted. Coward. She wasn't related to the Yakuza leader and she'd never said anything, but people believed what they wanted to...and who was she not to use the advantage? Her father was dead, but no one had ever asked her about it. She'd meant her mother—if Sonomi Daidouji ever found out what Emile had done to Sakura, he would find himself missing vital parts of his anatomy while still being alive.
She'd dealt with Akane the same way, and since Akane was on a scholarship funded by the Amamiya industries which were owned by Sonomi Daidouji, it was a simple thing to let the girl know who owned Amamiya industries. Tomoyo had demanded that the entire sorority leave Sakura alone, or Akane would find herself serving burgers or doing porn for a living. Terrified, Akane acceded; there was no way she could pay for her college tuition on her own.
She waited for the chance to ruin Emile for good, using her trusty camera as a weapon. A week before elections for the student president of their university, where he was a front-runner, she posted videos of him having sex with other girls in the sorority, planning to spend student council money, and mocking his admirers as 'lapdogs'--all on the college website, with the help of a hacker friend who hated Emile. It had been taken down, but the damage was done: Emile lost his credibility, lost the elections, and was nearly expelled for drinking on campus. He had no idea who had done it to him, and Tomoyo preferred it that way.
But the satisfaction of taking vengeance for Sakura soon became something hollow when she noticed that from then on, Sakura always had the ghost of tears in her eyes no matter how widely she smiled.
Back to the present: A Peony and a Pig
They'd shopped the whole day, and in the early evening, Sakura entered a small figurine shop, to Tomoyo's surprise. When she followed, Sakura was paying for a small crystal peony.
"What's that?"
"For Syaoran's birthday," Sakura said, smiling as she cradled it in her palm before handing it over to be gift-wrapped. "He loves peonies and he has a crystal collection. I noticed he had no peonies—they're his favorite flower—so I thought this would be perfect."
"I didn't know that," Tomoyo smiled. "Know what else he might like then so I can get him something?"
"Well, he likes small figurines of flowers and animals."
Tomoyo peered at the exquisite figures, and noticed a lovely little pig with a cheerful face. "Does he have a pig yet?"
"No...let me see..." Sakura held up the pig and began to giggle. "Oh, I should have given him this. He calls me a cherry pig."
Laughing, Tomoyo bought the crystal pig and had it wrapped. Sakura was thrilled, and thanked Tomoyo for getting Syaoran a present.
Tomoyo smiled. Syaoran meant more to Sakura than even Sakura knew, but would she ever see it? Probably not, Tomoyo mused. So instead she convinced Sakura to get pretty dresses and sleepwear that made her look more feminine before they finally set off. 'Syaoran would have to be blind not to notice,' Tomoyo giggled inwardly. 'Those two need all the help they can get!'
Syaoran was relaxing in their den when they got home, sheets of music strewn about him. Tomoyo said hi to him, gave him her present, then left.
"Show me the bounty!" Syaoran crowed. "Tomoyo stopped you from getting items on sale, yes?"
Sakura rolled her eyes. "Yes, you...whatever." She held up tops and skirts, modeled outfits for Syaoran, who approved.
"Great," Syaoran said. "Now promise you will be more stylish when you go to work, okay?"
"Yes, O Husband," Sakura said sarcastically. She went off to drop the clothes in the washing machine, then came back to find that Syaoran had brewed the weak tea she liked. Then she realized she hadn't thanked him yet.
"Hey," she began, and Syaoran looked up. "Sorry I didn't thank you immediately. For all this," she indicated the maze of packages for shoes, clothing, and accessories.
"It's nothing," Syaoran smiled. "Least I can do for you."
"It doesn't excuse my bad manners," Sakura said, a bit ashamed of trying to spar with Syaoran on his birthday. "Here," Sakura held up the small green and silver package. "Happy birthday. For your collection." She kissed him on the cheek, a kiss he returned happily.
Syaoran tore open the wrapping, then smiled. "Oh. This is beautiful," he smiled. "Thank you." He immediately stood up and gave the peony a place of honor in the glass cabinet that housed his collection, then came back to kiss her cheek again.
Sakura giggled. "You might want to open Tomoyo's present as well," she said, and Syaoran obeyed. He let out a bark of laughter when he saw what it was.
"Hah. I can tell you two planned this," he chuckled. "But thanks too. The pig should be pink though, like you." He dodged as she swatted him with her hand, and placed the pig next to the peony. A twinge in his heart made him fondle the little peony; Alia had given him a necklace on his last birthday before their divorce. She'd never noticed his collection—but Sakura had. He turned and smiled at her, grateful she was so kind and thoughtful with him.
"You know," he said cheerfully as Sakura plopped on the sofa, her teacup in her hand, "we can make this marriage thing work, don't you think?" He began fixing his music files in a large metal filing cabinet. "I feel positive. Other couples fall out of love; we can't do that 'cause we aren't in love anyway. We're friends, and that's better, right?"
What the hell are you thinking, Li? Why did you say that? That came out completely wrong, you idiot!
Sakura's heart plummeted. It was a good thing he'd said that; it brought her back to earth and reminded her that he did not think of her that way. She smiled. "Hey, I'm supposed to be the optimist here."
Soon, it was time to go to bed. Syaoran locked up, escorted Sakura to her room, then kissed her good night on her cheek.
"Sleep well, cherry pig."
"You too, you conceited whatever," she fired back, but sleepily.
Syaoran smiled and closed the door.
Is Something Beginning?
Sakura and Syaoran fell into a comfortable routine of alternating household chores; since Syaoran was the one who worked from home, he tried to do most of them, only to wind up being scolded by Sakura, who insisted that certain chores were hers. They playfully bickered, occasionally wrestled, and came to trust each other more. Syaoran told Sakura more about his relationship with Alia, and Sakura filled in most of the blanks about her failed relationships. Neither regretted their decision to marry.
Summer quietly slid into fall, and as the air turned cooler, they began to share Sakura's favorite weak tea before bedtime, talking about how their days were. Syaoran knew Sakura was still struggling with working with Yue, and once suggested that she quit. Her annoyed response made him drop the subject, but he realized that she had her pride, and would make the decision on her own.
One September morning, Syaoran exited the music room where he worked, humming along. He'd left the demo CD playing so that he could continue to count measures for the danceable "Music is Life" track for Eriol's new CD, and came upon Sakura happily dancing to it in the living room, where she had been changing the sofa cushion liners.
Her eyes were squeezed shut and she was smiling as she danced. Her lithe young body swayed to the music gracefully; given how clumsy she could be at times, he was surprised at how easily her body moved with the music.
Dear God, his wife was utterly beautiful. How had he not seen it until now?
Sakura suddenly stopped dancing when she noticed Syaoran at the door and blushed. "Sorry...I...the music...it was just so..." She gave up and gave him a sheepish grin.
Syaoran smiled slowly. "It's okay. You like mainstream music, so if that makes you dance, then it works. And...you look pretty when you dance." Did I just say that out loud?
She giggled. "Huh. You didn't trash me, for once. Are you ill?"
He laughed. "What, do you really think of me that way?"
"Yup." Sakura continued to sway to the music. "It's one of your most danceable tracks so far. And you sound good on it." Syaoran felt his cheeks go warm at the compliment, and cleared his throat to cover up his discomfort.
Since when did Sakura affect him that way?
The music swelled to the peppy bridge, and Sakura began to tap her feet in time to it. She impulsively grabbed Syaoran's hands, and pulled him into a dance in the middle of the room, laughing when he tripped over himself. but soon Syaoran's martial arts training took over, and he began to move with Sakura. A smile spread across his face; he was having fun. And he was with the only person who could give it to him, take him away from his worries and make him laugh.
Sakura suddenly bumped her hips against his in time to the music; unprepared, he stumbled and grabbed her for to regain his balance. They both went down on one of the plush couches; Sakura yelled, and Syaoran shouted, "Watch out!" They wound up with Syaoran on his back on the couch, Sakura on top of him, both laughing.
The music ended, and on came one of Syaoran's newer works, a love song. Syaoran remembered raising an eyebrow at the lyrics coming from Eriol, but had decided not to ask questions; he knew Eriol kept his heart fiercely guarded, and for him to write something like it was odd. It meant someone had inspired Eriol enough for him to write lyrics. In the background, the music floated over them. "What I need is someone like you, in this life where I am all alone in the world. Once, I was hurt, too scared to trust again, so I wished I would never love again. But you, you're so different from all the others I've known. Please, let it be you..."
His amber eyes...Sakura stopped laughing, beginning to lose herself in their depths. She had always been aware of what an attractive man her husband was, but being this close to him...she unconsciously raised a hand to touch his cheek.
Syaoran was looking up at Sakura's flushed cheeks. She was so different from Alia. So much laughter, so much cheerfulness, no fear, no restrictions; lovely in a delicate way, and her presence had soothed so much of the pain in his heart. She knew him and accepted him for who he was. Oddly, he felt no need to possess her, to keep her by his side; only, he wanted to be part of her life.
Her touch on his cheek made his heart ache. Could he open his heart again...to her?
Sakura suddenly raised herself off him. She knew this was how it all started: sweet moments, laughter, unexpected kisses. Then loving.
Then he would leave her. That was the way it had been with Yue, with Emile, with Kito.
And she liked Syaoran too much to let it happen with him. Better that they live together as friends for the rest of their lives than for her to find sweetness with him for a while, only for it all to fall apart.
Biting back her emotions, she grinned, then said, "I'll go start lunch. Tuna pasta okay?"
Syaoran realized that he had been about to kiss Sakura, and chastised himself, 'Don't scare Sakura away!' And he realized he would never forgive himself if he made her run away. She'd inserted herself into every part of his life: friend, someone who consoled him, someone he trusted...and now, he was wondering—could they become lovers? Even though she'd made the tender gesture of touching him...his cheek still burned from the brief contact—he couldn't be sure what it meant. But he wondered what it would be like to share himself with Sakura that intimately, to make love to her and know her as a true wife.
But reason took over. 'Yours is a marriage of convenience,' a stern voice in Syaoran warned. 'Remember that, and you'll never be hurt again the way you were with Alia. And you won't hurt Sakura as well. You have no right to hurt her!'
Sakura ducked into the first floor bathroom and gave in to her tears. No, no, no! She could not fall in love with Syaoran and destroy everything. She banged her head on the bathroom door. What had just happened back there? Why was she suddenly feeling this way about him? It was just one moment, one little moment in which they were laughing and the next—God, she hadn't even noticed until he was up close that Syaoran was even more handsome than Kito, Emile—even Yue! She'd overlooked it because she thought of him as a substitute for Toya.
Not anymore.
"No," she told her reflection sternly. "You have a chance at being happy with him—as his friend. Do not destroy it. It's better to be by his side as his friend."
But it took a long time before she could leave the bathroom.
Neither spoke of the incident, and the days continued to go by. Late in October, they sat sipping their tea in companionable silence as they always did at night. Sakura asked, "So what did you do all day?" She'd noticed he'd become quieter lately, a little less annoying, a lot easier to trash playfully, and she wondered why.
"Wrote another one of those songs you call 'manically depressing,'" Syaoran shrugged. "It's for Eriol's new album."
"Can I hear it?" Sakura asked.
"I..." Syaoran had been thinking of the end of his marriage to Alia, and wasn't sure he was ready to let someone else hear. But he trusted Sakura, and so he said, "Sure."
Syaoran sat at the grand piano and began to play, warning Sakura it was a rough draft. He sang in a clear, pleasant tenor, "How can the brokenhearted dream, when sorrow is your constant companion? I wish you'd taught me what to do before you finally left me. I don't know how to stand on my own anymore, not since you came into my life, because I hoped it would always be you with me against the world. How can I dream that you'll return and wake me once again with your kiss even in the last second of my life? Can this dream come true? How can you dream when your heart is broken and wounded? Don't we need someone to be there for us? Your love was my only reason for living..."
His voice trailed off, and he looked distant, his fingers sprawled across the keys of the piano. Sakura realized that his wedding anniversary to Alia was coming up in a few weeks, and he was reliving the memories—whatever they were, they were hurting him.
"Syaoran?" Sakura called. When he didn't respond, she crossed over to the piano bench and shook him. "Syaoran!"
"She...I..." To her horror, she could see tears in Syaoran's eyes. He turned away from Sakura and slumped down on the piano. She patted his back and made soothing, hushing noises. "Alia...we..." He was incoherent, and Sakura held him as he gasped for air, fighting his tears and emotions.
After a while, he calmed down. "I never told you how we ended it, did I?" Syaoran said softly as Sakura stroked his back soothingly.
"Then tell me. I'll listen," Sakura said softly.
And slowly, haltingly, he did.
His Heart on a Sleeve: Two Years Ago
No one else can open my heart and break it again, Syaoran told himself as he lay recovering in his hospital bed after he had collapsed when his divorce was final. Love is a lie...and I hate lies.
She lied to me. He found it easier to blame her, not himself. Alia had vowed to love him forever, and after a whirlwind romance that wound up at the altar a mere three months after it started, she had, a year after their marriage, told him she was leaving.
It had started innocently; he had told her that he wanted a baby to 'complete' their family. Alia had been silent.
"Syaoran...Maybe I'm not ready for a baby yet," she said softly.
Syaoran laughed it off and told her he'd stop buying condoms so she could get pregnant. "You'll love it. Women love being pregnant by the men they love!" he said as he kissed her affectionately.
That night, Alia refused his advances in bed, and he could have sworn he had heard her crying at some point. The next morning, as they had breakfast, Alia asked for a divorce.
Syaoran had not taken it well. First he had laughed, disbelieving; everything had been going well, why divorce then? But his soon-to-be ex-wife Alia had patiently explained that while she still loved him as a friend, she was no longer in love with him. Did he want to live out a lie?
She remembered everything he'd said. Every act, everything...his passion was something that had scared Alia.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Syaoran asked.
"Would you have listened?" Alia was tearful. "Have you ever listened to me? No, do you even notice how I feel?"
And then she reminded him of his promise. Syaoran had rushed Alia into marriage, ardently swearing she could have her freedom if it didn't work out. Smitten and in love, Alia had agreed on that condition...and Syaoran had forgotten about it.
"You wanted to own me, Syaoran, don't you understand? I...You call my office thrice a day. I don't see my friends anymore. You go crazy when I'm not next to you...Syaoran, it...I can't breathe!"
Now he remembered Eriol's words from a year ago, right before he'd married Alia.
"Maybe Alia doesn't have a choice. Maybe a fool stole her away, and she didn't get the chance to protest, because she did like that fool... A little. But she'll run away from you at this rate, Syaoran. You're scaring her off by being possessive and aggressive."
"I..." Syaoran began, "I didn't know. I'm sorry..."
"There are so many things about me that you don't know," Alia wailed. "You've made me this perfect lover in your mind. Do you know where I went to high school? Who my friends are? Oh, wait, you never met them, there never is time for it, is there? Don't you find it odd that it's been a year yet I've never met your family?"
"I love you!" Syaoran roared. "I...We're still in the honeymoon period. I just want you all to myself for now..."
"For a year! Syaoran, don't you see what we're doing to each other?" Alia stared deep into the beautiful amber eyes she loved, but...not that way.
"Then why did you agree to marry me?"
"Syaoran, did you give me a choice in anything?" Alia challenged. "Tell me when I dictated what happens in our relationship."
And he couldn't think of an example. Alia looked at him sadly. "You see? You chose to go after me. You seduced me on the first night we met. You insisted that we marry so soon, and you wouldn't let me invite my family and friends. And now you choose when to get me pregnant, and you didn't even see past my hesitation. You...God I was so blind to what you were doing!"
"Then we won't have a baby," Syaoran said, confused. "Why are you so upset? You love me too, you said so on our honeymoon..."
"After you asked me to," Alia said mournfully. "You said it wasn't fair that you never heard it from me. I..."
"I didn't see any objections when we made love," Syaoran pointed out. "And why didn't you say something earlier?"
"Because I was swept away!" Alia cried. "Because I..." She laughed hollowly. "I wanted you too...Why else would I have agreed to everything you wanted? I thought I needed someone like you, but now I see we're not growing as people anymore. What happens when you tire of me, when the flame of your passion burns out? Will you discard me? Can you make your passion last?"
"Why don't you trust me?" Syaoran was bewildered. "I meant it when I said I would love you forever."
"That you can't understand what the problem is..." Alia began to cry. "There it is, Syaoran and you can't see it. You can't see it. You...will never see it..." She was sobbing hard now.
Syaoran tried to take her in his arms but she pushed him away. "No. No, Syaoran. I can't take this anymore. I'm so sorry."
That was when he had begun to scream. Then he had begged, much to his shame. "You can't just leave me! You don't tell someone you love them then change your mind just like that!"
Alia was forced to put aside her own feelings to try and comfort Syaoran. "I still love you," she said gently. "But I no longer am in love with you. Remember it was you who offered me my freedom if things didn't work out? It really happens, Syaoran. And it would be utterly unfair and cruel of me to stay if only you are in love with me. It would be like using you because I could not give you the love you need...the love you deserve. If you love me, let me go."
"If you love me, then stay!" Syaoran grabbed her shoulders and shook her.
"Syaoran..." Alia sighed softly. "Love isn't about forcing the other person...and you promised me..."
"I refuse to believe it!" Syaoran was drawing blood from his clenched hands; his nails were digging in so deep, they had broken his skin. "I believe love is forever!"
Alia sighed, then touched Syaoran's cheek; he was crying, and it hurt her to hurt him. "Syaoran...would you rather have us live a lie? What if I fell in love with someone else? Wouldn't that be even worse? And you love so deeply, Syaoran, that it would be sadistic to accept that love without giving anything back. I believe you are destined to love someone else, to give her all the love and passion you have. Someone who needs you to be that way with her. That someone isn't me though. Would you rather wait until I cheated on you?"
To his shame, Syaoran had clung to her, begged her not to leave. Alia had held him until he'd fallen asleep from exhaustion...then when he'd woken up, she was gone, leaving behind a tender letter thanking him for their year together, for all his kindness, and for loving her.
He'd burned it outside the home they had shared, and immediately placed the house on the market.
The divorce was the worst thing that had happened to him. Alia tried to reach out, to be kind, and constantly sent him letters of apology but Syaoran angrily refused all contact with her. Amazingly she had understood, and sent him a letter apologizing for what had happened. He never responded, and withdrew into his cold, angry shell, giving her their house, everything they had shared in their divorce settlement. Yet he refused to move out—he wanted her to come back and throw him out herself.
She never did.
If it hadn't been for Eriol, Syaoran would probably have killed himself.
Hi! Reviews really are the best thing, and I am so grateful to: butterflyangellover14, pyscho-pyro-shrink, puasloma, nexa alex-you are so kind, thanks!, Karithinia- Are you a Lolcats fan? I am!, teenureen- I hope you passed!, butterfly. KISSU, Twilight Kisses, DN Angel and Cardcaptor Sakura, Mrs. Radcliffe 13- LOL that made me laugh, winterkaguya-heh heh, smile, Teruna Hime-thank you! and it will really be slow, because as Eriol says later, the key word for SxS is 'dense' haha, michiko14anime-let's both dream!, rondallagurl, emeral princess-happy birthday!, LadyChan14, 3eliic.X, AngelEmCuti, Eliu, witch-cheri, anigal08-no problem!, -Kori Kage Tenshi-, and xSapphirexRosesxFanx!
What Syaoran sings is an English translation of "Paano Ba Ang Mangarap" (How Does One Dream?) by the Filipino singer Sharon Cuneta, one of my faves. I don't own the song! EDIT: Sorry, I forgot! And as for the song Eriol "wrote" it's an English translation of the song "Sana Ay Ikaw Na Nga" by Vina Morales. Cute, wistful, sweet song about wanting to love again.
More notes: My creative writing teacher is letting me submit this as my requirement for summer, and is a great help; Miss Fernandez, thank you if you're reading this! Also thanks to Tomoyo, Mei Ling and Chiharu of the ECRS team for everything! Next: The flashbacks are being narrated by whoever's involved but since I have difficulty using the first person point of view, I just write them. So it's actually Sakura and Syaoran telling their stories here. I wouldn't put them in if they weren't important though :D
And a preview of Chapter 5:
Syaoran pressed Sakura to his chest. "You're a beautiful, wonderful woman, you hear me? No matter what happened to you in the past, you are not to blame!"
She raised disbelieving eyes to his. "So why has everyone left me?"
He smiled. "I'm still here. I may be poor company but hey, I'm here." He touched his wedding ring to hers. "And I'm stuck to you for life, yes? I won't leave you, I promise." He grinned.
She was silent, then, "Can I get a refund on you?"
Syaoran laughed in relief and tousled her hair. "That's more like it." He turned serious again though. "Never keep these bottled inside, Sakura. Promise? Tell me all about these painful things."
When her breathing became more even, Syaoran released his hold on her and prepared to go back to his room, but Sakura held his hand.
"Don't go. Stay," she asked, her green eyes wide and fearful. "Please, Syaoran."
He'd never seen her so vulnerable before, and suddenly, he was conscious of and embarrassed by his clothing—or lack thereof; he liked to sleep in boxers. But he couldn't leave her.
So he nodded and slid in under the sheets next to her, pulling her into an embrace. Sakura sighed and soon fell asleep. Syaoran stayed awake longer, watching her sleep. She was so strong, he realized. She'd never betrayed a hint of her past, and could find a reason to smile everyday.
She truly was amazing.
