Ch. 3 Between Salvation and Damnation
Midway upon the journey of our life
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straightforward pathway had been lost.
-Dante Alighieri
She takes a step.
We're not family anymore.
Fatigue grips her, pain courses through her; she takes a step.
Which is it, mom? Are you merciful…
A cold shiver runs through her, she grips herself tighter; she takes a step.
...Or are you a survivor?
She continues down her path, never questioning if she was even headed in the right direction.
I don't know you. I only know the Raven dad told me about.
Off in the distance, a Beowolf's howl could be heard but she was too lost in her thoughts to hear it.
You don't know the first thing about strength!
She falters and falls to her knees, past the point of exhaustion.
You might be powerful, but that doesn't make you strong.
"I'm sorry," she whispers as she gripped herself as tight as tight as possible; the apology had sounded as meaningless as it did the last time she said it. As she struggled back to her feet, she hears the Beowolf's howl this time, only it was closer, much closer.
'They found my trail,' she thought.
She wasn't surprised, she had wandered around this island for days now, feelings of self-loathing radiating off of her ever since leaving Mistral. She ignored these signs of danger and continued onward. As she walked on, she began to wonder if she would even make it to her destination or if she would be cut down by the beasts. She flashed a grim smile at this thought; it would be ironic, almost humorous, to live through so much only to die by some random Grimm. 'At least some good would come of it,' she thought as she moves forward, still wearing that bleak smile.
::
On the island of Patch, a man tends to his sunflowers. He had always found gardening to be relaxing, peaceful; always coming to his flowerbed whenever he felt anxious or distraught. It seemed, however, that he was spending too much time out here; he had watered and fertilized them but now he was beginning to suspect that he had given them too much fertilizer. He ran his hand between the stems, smoothing down the damp soil and now, he began to fear that he had added too much moisture. He looked up into the sky, noting the various clouds inching their way across the blue field. At first, he searched the skies for the slightest signs of rain, but soon found himself looking for a bird.
A raven.
His Raven.
He looked down at his closed fist, a black feather protruding from one end. 'Five days,' he thought to himself. 'Its been five days, how much longer are you going to deny the truth?' He sighed, 'She's not coming back. If she was going to show herself, she would have done it by now.' He opened his hand and let the feather drift to the ground before the wind picked up.
He watched the feather sail through the air before the wind carried it out of sight. "Goodbye, Raven," he whispered. He then turned back to his garden, trying to push her out of his mind. Then, as if Fate was mocking him, he heard the footsteps behind him and without even looking, knew it was her. She stopped a ways from him but he did not move to greet her.
"Tai…" she called softly. Her voice sounded hoarse and the tone was uncertain.
"… Raven," he said, still facing away from her, as an uncomfortable silence fell on the pair. Tai knew she was hurting, he always knew when she was, no matter how she might try to deny it. In his mind's eye, he pictured her behind him, sullen, her head held low and her hand gripping her forearm the way she always did when she was distressed and yet, he still did nothing. He felt bitterness and resentment towards her for the years of pain and heartache that she had put him and their family through. He scowled, "What are you doing here?" he asked, finally breaking that horrid silence.
There was a pause before she spoke, "I need to ask you something."
Anger flared within him and he stood, "Ask me something!?" He turned to her, eyes aflame and teeth bared. After all these years, that is what she came here for? "Ask me-" As soon as he laid eyes on her, all the anger and rage disappeared in an instant.
She had had no peace these past few days, neither from herself nor from the Creatures of Grimm. Her clothing was dirty and torn in several places, patterns matching claws and teeth from various Grimm. Between the torn fabric he could see her bare skin from a few close calls and severe lacerations from ones too close. She held her arm the way he imagined she would, only it was her left hand gripping her right arm and it was due to the most serious of her wounds. Her arm had been mauled, badly, the plates of her vambraces were either bent inward, hanging loosely, or missing altogether. He watched through open tears as streams of blood poured from open wounds down her arm, to her fingertips before falling to the ground in a steady stream of droplets.
Her complexion was paler than usual, no doubt due to the blood loss and there were bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. Her eyes, which had held such fire and passion in the past, had dwindled to mere embers. "Tai…" she said again, taking a step towards him. At that moment, however, her body had finally reached its limit and could do no more. She collapsed to the ground, too numb to even register the pain of the impact. Her vision faded in and out, her mind a jumbled mess; she was fading fast. She felt herself being lifted off the ground and found herself looking up at Tai, a look of great concern on his face. When he called to her, his voice sounded so far away. "Tai…" she said, reaching up and touching his cheek. There was a pause as she looked into those blue eyes, filled with so much worry. "…Am I lost?" As she slipped away into oblivion, she dragged her hand down his cheek, leaving a streak of blood running down from his eye to his chin. Just before she lost consciousness, however, one coherent thought did enter her mind:
Yang.
::
The first time she regained consciousness was for a few brief moments: she was able to register that she was on a hard surface that was raised from the ground, such as a table. The smell of antiseptics was heavy and the sound she registered was the frantic beating of her own heart. The world was dark and hazy, with the only source of light coming from just above her. She felt something pulling on her arm and when she looked over, she saw the outline of a man holding her arm in a strange fashion. "Tai," she whispered, recognizing him by his touch. If he had heard her, he gave no indication that he had, instead still focusing on the task at hand. After cutting away the last thread of cloth from her vambrace, he gingerly pulled the garment apart to survey the damage. "Oh my God…" he whispered, shocked beyond words. It was worse than he'd feared…
He took some fresh linen and bandaged it as best as he could but this was far beyond his skill. He leaned forward, with his arms supporting him and his head held low in anguish; he was at lost of what to do. He shook his head before rising and that is when he noticed that she was awake, her scarlet eyes holding very little life. How much of that did she see? "Hey," he said, forcing a smile. He reached over and cupped her cheek, "It'll be okay," he said, as he caressed her with his thumb. "You'll be okay." He wasn't sure who he was trying to reassure, her or himself. His efforts were successful, however, as she found comfort in, not his words, but the warmth of his touch and the sound of concern in his voice. 'Am I dreaming again?' she asked herself in a brief moment of clarity just before she began to slip away. He called to her again, begged her to stay with him and to his surprise, he could see her struggle to stay conscious. Her eyes even regained some of their original luster for a moment but her fight was short-lived…
Yang.
::
…She's in here…" she heard a muffled voice say. She opened her eyes; her vision was better but had not returned fully. The darkness was gone, but she still found it impossible to focus on anything. She was in a different room now and no longer on a hard table but in a soft bed; she felt warm for the first time in days. The door leading out of the room opened and two men entered: Tai and a hooded figure in a long coat whose face she was unable to see. Tai led the figure to her side, "I did all I could for her but I don't think it was enough," he said.
The pair stood over her and she was able to make out a few of the stranger's features: he had a thick stubble and a weathered appearance, like one who had become accustomed to traveling. The shawl he wore around his head seemed, like his other clothing, ancient and worn yet serviceable; the expression he wore was stoic and impassive. "Can you help her?" Tai asked, his voice dripping with concern. The figure looked at her for a moment; it was as if he was determining her condition by sight alone. "I shall do what I can," he said as he stretched out his hand and stroked her cheek with the back of his knuckles. "But it is not my help that she truly needs…
Yang.
::
"…Three days!" she heard Tai argue as she awoke for the third time. The voices no longer sounded far away and her vision had returned but she was unable to move. She watched as Tai chased after the stranger as he began to leave the room. "Its only been three days! You cannot leave her like this!" "I have done all I can for her," the stranger said as he turned to Tai with a raised hand to placate him. "And there are other matters I must attend to." He turned back to leave but just before walking out the door, he turned back to Tai. "Help her, Taiyang," he said. "For I believe you are the only one who can." Then he was gone. She watched as Tai's shoulders slumped in despair before returning to a dreamless sleep.
Yang.
::
"'…He looked at her, and being a man whom pity deeply stirred, it seemed to him that her loveliness amid her grief would pierce his heart. And she looked at him and saw the grave tenderness in his eyes, and yet knew, for she was bred among men of war, that here was one whom no Rider of the Mark would outmatch in battle…'"
These were the first words she heard as she awoke from her long slumber. The sun had begun to set when her eyes fluttered open and beheld the world for the first time in days: she had been placed in the spare room with its muted color and simple bedding. There were a few additions, however: the pitcher and glass of water on the bedside table along with a used coffee pot and mug, an assortment of bottles of various shapes, sized, and color, and a small stack of books. Beside the bed, Tai sat in a chair that he had brought in from another room and was reading aloud from the book he held.
His appearance was haggard, with a noticeable stubble and heavy bags under his eyes, indicating that he had had many sleepless nights as of late. Most noticeably, though, he still had the streak of blood from when she had last touched his cheek.
"'…but though her words were still proud, her heart faltered, and for the first time, she doubted herself. She guessed that this tall man, both stern and gentle, might think her merely wayward, like a child that has not the firmness of mind to go on with a dull task to the end…'"
::
When Raven was at Beacon, she came down with a terrible cold. Having dealt with his sister in similar situations, as well as wanting revenge for Tai's earlier prank, Qrow had suggested that Tai be the one to look after her. Tai, being the kind, good-natured (and gullible) young man that he was, readily agreed. The first few days were difficult, to say the least; Raven did not like to show weakness of any kind to anyone, especially Tai, who gave her 'strange' feelings. She refused all manner of comfort, saying that she was more than capable of taking care of herself. Tai ignored this, and cared for her, albeit in a way one would care for a wounded animal: with patience, tenderness, and caution. As well as enough distance to render them incapable of assault.
So every day for a week, Tai brought food, medicine, and books. The first two, she took, although reluctantly; the books, however, he refused to give to her, fearing that it would be one more item to add to the plethora of objects that she had already thrown at him. He would start when she began to pick at her food and would continue on, even after she would lay down and turn away from him. At first, he was undaunted, doing his best to show her that she did not have to be alone and that he actually cared for her. Then one day, his patience finally ran out:
He had almost reached the end of the story when he had noticed that her back was to him once more. Instead of continuing on as he had in the past, he sighed loudly in exasperation and closed the book with a snap. 'Fine,' he thought bitterly. 'I know when to call it quits.' He stood and was about to make his way to the door when he felt her grab his wrist. 'What?' he thought. 'One last jab or insult?' He turned to her with narrowed eyes that upon meeting hers quickly widened in surprise. She had a look of vulnerability in her eyes that he had never seen before.
"Please," she said. "Don't go." He stared down at her for a moment, before a soft smile formed on his lips. "Okay," he whispered softly as he sat back down, moving in just a little closer. He reopened the book and continued from where he had left off; with the wolf running through the forest with the sheep-dog at his side…
From that day on, Raven never turned away from Tai when he read to her, even beginning to look forward to it at times. As she recovered, they feared that they would abandon this pastime of theirs, that they would move on and everything would go back to the way it was. Then one day, as she came into the dorm late one night, she found him sitting on his bed with his back against the headboard, a book in his hand. She stopped for a moment, unsure of what to do at first but quickly reached a decision. She sat down beside him, then laid her head in his lap; without a word of acknowledgment, he then began to read aloud to her as he ran his free hand through her hair.
::
She felt like she was back there now, in happier times, and just as before, she would be content to listen to Tai's story if only for a little while longer:
"'…She did not answer, but as he looked at her it seemed to him that something in her softened, as though a bitter frost were yielding at the first faint presage of Spring. A tear sprang in her eye and fell down her cheek, like a glistening rain-drop. Her proud head drooped a little. Then quietly, more as if speaking to herself than to him-'".
It was at this moment that he realized she was awake. Sapphire met crimson as their eyes locked on to one another as time seem to slow. Gingerly, he closed the book and knelt at her side, his eyes never leaving hers. "Raven?" he breathed. "Tai." Her voice was barely audible but he was grateful to hear it none the less. "How are you feeling?" he asked. She tried to sit up to speak to him more properly but every muscle in her body screamed in protest, causing her to fall back onto the bed, gritting her teeth in pain. Tai gathered her into his arms and pulled her into his lap; he then took one of the smaller bottles off the table and held it under her nose.
The odor emanating from the vial was foul but trusting Tai, she opened her mouth and received the concoction. The liquid burned as it made its way down her throat but whatever it was, it caused her pain to recede and she began to feel at ease again. Tai breathed a sigh of relief as Raven relaxed in his arms, grateful to the Nomad and his medicine. "Better?" he asked. She nodded weakly before opening her mouth to speak. "Water," again she could barely be heard. Tai reached behind him, placed the bottle down on the table, then picked up the glass of water. He brought the glass to her lips and as before, she opened her mouth to drink, only much more willingly this time; her throat still burned from the medicine and the cool liquid eased the inflammation.
After having her fill, her head dropped to her chest, eyes closed in exhaustion. When her eyes opened, she gasped in surprise; her right arm had been bandaged, heavily, and set in a sling that was secured firmly against her chest, rendering it immovable. Her left arm was also bandaged but not as heavily, with the extent beginning at her elbow and ending just below the first joints of her fingers.
What was truly surprising to her, though, was the clothing she was wearing: her normal attire had been replaced with a white gown of flannel with a shallow v-neck collar and floral embroidery of the same color. Although it fit her frame just fine, the sleeves went midway down her forearm and the hem barely covered her knees. Raven raised her head and looked up at Tai; the way he avoided her gaze and the tight frown on his lips told her all she needed to know: this gown belonged to Summer. "It was all I had," Tai whispered. None of the girl's clothing would have been able to fit her, nor did he think it proper to dress her in any of his daughter's clothing.
After Summer died, Tai had put up all of her belongings, except that gown; he knew it was frivolous to keep something like that but every time he tried to put it away, he just didn't have the heart to do it. To him, it would feel as if he was denying her existence. Even though he could look at his past objectively and with maturity, he couldn't always let go of it, which is why he still carries something of Raven's as well. Raven reached up and touched Tai's cheek, causing him to look at her; she had a look of great sadness and her eyes held a deep sense of regret. She didn't need to say it, her actions told him everything: she missed her too. He pulled her into a tight embrace, mindful of her injuries, while she wrapped her good arm around his neck.
Summer's loss had never really left Tai and Raven had never allowed herself to properly mourn her friend and so, here, at this moment, they drew comfort from one another. They stayed like that for a long while, neither one of them wanting to be the first to let go. Finally, Tai knew they had to begin, he relaxed his grip, so as to look down at her. "Raven," he said as his face suddenly became serious. "We need to talk." Raven turned away from his gaze, part of her had been dreading this. Tai gently gripped her chin and turned her to face him once again. "Raven," he said again. "Tai," she breathed. "I'm so sorry."
She told him everything. She spared no detail as she relayed to him the events that lead her back here. She watched as his face filled with subtle pride when she told him how Yang was able to find her, then turned to disappointment when she told him that she had refused to help at first. His face then turned from mild disgust when she told him of her alliance with Cinder Fall to surprise and shock when she informed him of Leonardo's treason. She told him about the battle at Haven; Qrow's disowning her, the Vault, Cinder's betrayal, Vernal's death, and finally the Spring Maiden. This was the most surprising revelation of all to Tai but did not press her for he could tell that there was more she had to say. She told him that after defeating Cinder, she went to retrieve the Relic of Knowledge when she was interrupted by Yang's arrival. Just by seeing the Vault open, Yang had been able to deduce the Spring Maiden's true identity.
Raven stopped there, afraid to continue; she turned her eyes downcast, away from Tai, blinking back tears and trying to choke back the sob that threatened to escape her lips. "Raven?" Tai asked as he moved in closer so she was unable to avoid his gaze. He knew this was tearing her up inside but if there was any hope of repairing their relationship, she had to continue. "What did Yang do?"
"She told the truth!" she cried. Everything came pouring out all at once. Every word. Raven trying to justify her murder of the previous Spring Maiden, Yang calling her out on her cowardice and hypocrisy, and finally allowing Yang to take the Relic in order to save herself. When Raven had finished, she held onto Tai as tightly as possible, pressing her ear against his chest, the steady beat of his heart soothing her. He held her but absentmindedly, her revelation had sent him into shock. How? How could she do that? Again?
Then, upon regaining his senses, his arm came up to hers and carefully removed it from his neck. "Tai?" she asked, her voice dripping with worry. He didn't say a word as he gently pulled her from his lap and placed her back on to the bed. "Tai," she begged. He was still silent as he pulled his hand from her back and released her wrist. As he turned to leave, she desperately reached for him, "Please." That word caused him to pause midway to the door, his hand clenched into a fist that soon began to shake at his side. He stood in the middle of the room for what seemed like ages to them and Raven hoped he would stay. It was not to be. He continued out the door without a second glance, turned the corner and was gone.
Raven couldn't breathe. Her lungs had ceased to function; a great pain surged from her chest. She rolled onto her side, facing away from the doorway, her hand gripping her bandaged arm but it brought no comfort this time. The pain; the pain was like nothing she had ever experience before. She curled into a fetal position and gasped for air, her body refusing to save itself; until, finally, a great cry erupted from her lips and tears burst from her eyes. Did you kill her too? She finally had an answer to her daughter's question: "…Yes…" she whispered. She wept; she wept because of what a wretched thing she had become, she was truly and utterly lost.
::
He could here her cries from outside and from across the yard. It took every ounce of willpower he had not to go back into that room, afraid of what would happen. The last vestiges of the day were beginning to fade and night would soon be upon the island when Tai found himself sitting beneath a nearby tree, his back against the trunk and his arms resting on his arched knees, the wind occasionally blowing through his straw-colored hair. He stared off into the dark, forest before him, wrestling with indecision. What would he do if he went back to her? Would he hold her? Would he lie and tell her everything was going to be okay? Or would he cast her out? Expel her from his home and leave her to whatever fate would befall her? 'Go back. Now," he told himself. 'She needs you, now more than ever.'
'Where was she when I needed her? When Yang needed her?' said the thought that crept into his mind. 'She abandoned her; her own daughter for a second time.' She was scared. That's no excuse. She's hurt. She'll heal. Will she? The wind picked up again and to his surprise, a black feather drifted down from the sky and landed at his feet; he stared at it, in shock. A stray tear formed in the corner of his eye and began to roll down his cheek but he quickly brushed it aside. He was surprised. He didn't think he had any tears left to shed for her. Suddenly, the wind picked up again, threatening to take the feather with it once again.
Just as it became airborne once again, Tai snatched the feather out of the air after a moment's hesitation. He looked down at the object between his thumb and forefinger, spinning it a few times. Am I lost? That is what she asked but that is not what she meant. He sighed heavily as he placed his wrists back onto his knees. He looked at the window to the, now quiet, spare room then back to the feather. So many questions, so little answers. He sighed and stood, the feather clenched in his fist once more; it was time to get some answers.
::
The sun's rays had faded and the stars were shining on this moonless night, and, yet, she continued to weep. Her sobs had subsided but her tears still continued to flow. She gritted her teeth and clutched at the sheets as another wave of pain assaulted her, reinvigorating the already flowing tears. It's a terrible feeling to lose someone you've known most of your life, it's much more terrible to know it's your own fault. He had loved her, she had loved him, and now she felt that any hope of salvaging that relationship had been broken beyond repair.
It was a hell of her own making.
So lost in her pain, that she did not hear the returning footsteps nor the sound of water splashing. She gasped softly in surprise when she felt herself being lifted off the bed and placed back into Tai's gentle embrace. They stared at each other for a moment, taking in the other's appearance: he, with a serious look and a tight frown and she, with fully red eyes and an uncharacteristically quivering lip. Before she could say a word, he gently pressed a wet washcloth to her cheek and began to wash away her tears. His touch was so gentle, so attentive; she wished she could smile but that look of his quelled any hope of this being painless. "Raven," he said. "When you first came here, you asked me if you were lost, but I don't believe that's what you meant." "What you meant is 'can I be saved?'," he continued. "Saved from what?" Raven turned from his gaze for a moment before reconnecting. "Do you remember our second autumn at Beacon," she asked as she gripped her arm tighter, making Tai fear for her sutures. "After the battle with the Manticore?" He nodded; of course, he remembered, how could he forget such a close brush with death? "You told me loved me." He had; in a state of delirium, he had revealed to her, along with his entire team and a few 'outside consultants', his true feelings. Later, when he was coherent, she told him what had happened; at first, he was embarrassed but then she called him a fool, smiled, then told him that she felt the same way about him.
"The Raven you fell in love with," she continued. "The Raven you told Yang about; is there a way for me to go back to that? Can the old Raven be saved?" Save me from what I've become. Tai pursed his lips and sighed, "I don't know," he said, shaking his head. "What you did to us, to our family, I don't know if I can ever forgive you." Fresh tears replaced dried ones, but Tai swiftly wiped them away. "But I'm willing to give you that chance. Prove to me that you want to be a part of this family, then you can prove it to our daughter." For the first time in years, hope swelled in her heart and tears of joy replaced tears of sorrow. Raven reached up and gripped Tai's wrist as a sign of her intentions.
"No Raven," he said, pulling his hand free. "No gestures, no interpretations, no hiding. I need to hear it from your own lips, do you want to be a part of this family?" Mustering what strength she had, as well as gritting through her pain, she pushed herself off the bed into sitting position and gave Tai a serious look that would have mirrored his own if it had not shifted to one of surprise.
"Yes."
::
The Beowolf clawed its way out of the forest and into the clearing. It had craved her flesh from the moment it tasted it and now had finally found her. It crouched in a low position, ready to charge on the house when suddenly a high pitched wail cut through the air, followed by a sharp pain piercing it's back. It fell to the ground, another arrow to add the already large quantity protruding from its body. A cloaked figured walked of the darkness of the forest, bow in hand. He approached the Beowulf from behind, drawing a long knife from behind his back as he did.
He knelt beside the creature, placed the blade against its throat and pulled. The fine blade sliced open its throat, spilling it's black, essence on the ground. Even it's death throes, it still clawed towards the house, the taste of her flesh its only concern. The cloaked figure then drove his blade into the Beowolf's side, finally ending its wretched existence. He then stood to his full height before removing the black bile from his knife by wiping it on his bracer. "That makes fifteen for the day," he said before turning to the house. He then pointed the now 'cleaned' blade to the top-floor window with the only light shining in it. "I just hope you're worth all this trouble." He then turned and sheathed his blade before turning and walking back into the forest, knowing that there were still Grimm left to kill.
A/N: Story excerpts belong to J.R.R. Tolkien and the Tolkien Estate.
