Warnings: Squick all over the place. I'm not warning for anything specific, though, so read at your own risk. Not a happy fic.
I forgot I was supposed to post this today and got distracted buying things for my croquet costume and then realized I hadn't replied to anyone's reviews and panicked and I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm sorry. But I have the best croquet costume ever and an update, so I think that should make me even.
Slightly happier chapter this time, hooray!
XXX
"Cloud, there are some errands I'd like to run today," Sephiroth said as they cleared away the breakfast dishes. "Do you think you'll be all right by yourself for a few hours?"
"Of course I will," Cloud said immediately. "I don't need a babysitter."
"Are you sure?" Sephiroth pressed. "I don't want to leave you alone and then have something go wrong. Will you be able to handle going to the bathroom alone if you need to?"
"I'll be fine, sir. I promise. I'm feeling a lot better today."
Sephiroth considered him. He was behaving a lot more, well, more like a person who hadn't been recently traumatized. At least he wasn't going around cringing every time he moved and looking like he was going to burst into tears at any moment. That was something. "All right, there's no landline here, but there's a phone in the lobby. If there's an emergency, I want you to call Zack or me. I'll leave one of my IDs with you, which should keep anyone from giving you any trouble. The door will lock behind you when you leave, and I need to take my keycard with me, but I have Zack's spare, so you can go there after. One of the things I'm going to get today is a keycard for you."
"Okay, I won't need to call, though."
"Just in case," Sephiroth said firmly, pushing the keycard and the paper with their numbers on it over to him. "I'll also pick up some groceries. Is there anything you want or need?"
Cloud started to shake his head, but stopped. "Some...some salt and vinegar chips would be nice," he said quietly, "And I'm almost out of mouthwash."
"All right, I'll pick those up for you. Anything else? I thought I'd get some things for a barbeque tonight."
"I'm good. Barbeque would be good, though."
"Sure thing. Okay, do you need anything before I go?" Sephiroth was suddenly feeling a bit nervous, not wanting to leave Cloud on his own. He didn't know if it would be okay, or what he would do if it wasn't. There was only so much planning he could do for this, and he didn't like it.
"I'm okay, thanks."
"All right, take it easy then," Sephiroth said, doing his best to appear like he wasn't nervous about leaving. "I'll probably be a few hours."
XXX
Sephiroth checked his directions and looked up at the name of the store. This was the place. The bell above the door chimed as Sephiroth cautiously entered. It looked fairly normal on the inside; there was one section that had men's clothing, another with women's. It seemed like any other shop, actually. He looked around, feeling nervous and wondering if he was really in the right place, when a middle-aged man approached him.
"Can I help you find something?" the man asked.
"Um, well..." Sephiroth hesitated. How was he supposed to explain this? "I'm looking for something for my friend..."
"Okay, anything in particular?"
Sephiroth gave his head a shake; this wasn't the time to be beating around the bush. "Yes, I heard that you sell items for binding breasts so that they're less noticeable. Is that true?"
To say that the shopkeeper looked a bit surprised was an understatement. Sephiroth supposed it was to be expected, he was easily recognizable and probably not the person anyone expected to be asking about breast binding. But the man recovered quickly and smiled. "Yes, of course. They're over this way."
He led Sephiroth over to an area with several shelves and racks. There was a wide assortment of clothing and various other products on them and Sephiroth blinked a little in surprise. That was a lot of options. How the hell was he supposed to choose?
Apparently noticing Sephiroth's confused look, the shopkeeper spoke again. "The best place to start would be to determine your budget. How much is your friend willing to spend? Then I can show you things within that price range."
"Price isn't an issue," Sephiroth said, "I want him to have something that's comfortable and hides them as much as possible."
"All right, well, we have a line of binders that were specifically designed for female to male binding. What's his chest size?" he asked, looking critically at a shelf full of vests and shirts.
"Chest size?" Sephiroth asked. Right, he probably should have measured that beforehand.
"A proper fit is important; too small and it can cause breathing and chafing problems, too big and it won't be very effective. Can you get your friend's measurements? He'd just need to measure around his ribcage just below the breasts and around his chest, across the largest part of the breasts."
Sephiroth hesitated. "He doesn't handle stuff like that very well; I've been helping him, but he's alone right now, and he doesn't have a phone. I could come back tomorrow, but I'd like to get something for him as soon as I can."
"Well, can you give me an approximate size? We have several models that use velcro for adjusting the fit. If you want to get him something today, you could take a look at those."
"Um, he's probably a B or a C cup." Sephiroth felt like an idiot. He should have thought of this beforehand.
"Can you guess his height and weight?" the man asked as he started going through racks and setting things aside.
Sephiroth glared at the ceiling, feeling frustrated with himself. He knew Cloud was definitely smaller than what his records indicated. How much had it felt like he weighed when he had picked him up? "Maybe...a hundred and ten, hundred and fifteen pounds. He's pretty light. And...five-two or three? Thereabouts. Sorry, I really should have thought this through better."
"Not a problem, it's a lot to think about, I understand that. I don't accept returns, but I do take exchanges. If it doesn't fit, you can just bring it back and we'll find something that does. May I ask why it's so urgent? It sounds like your friend is having some problems, but surely another day won't be that hard to deal with."
"He's waited too long already; I don't want to make him deal with it any longer." Cloud was miserable just walking around the apartment; Sephiroth would buy one of each size if it would help make Cloud's life a little more bearable. He still felt like he needed to do more to make up for yelling at him the other day and the incident in the shower.
"Okay then, here are some options." The man picked up an armful of tops and brought them over to the counter where he laid them out. "I'm recommending the medium size; he might be a small, but I'd rather err on the side of too big. Now, I personally prefer the long style. It looks and feels more like a regular undershirt."
Sephiroth nodded, some of the other ones looked like sports bras with extra padding and velcro. "He'd probably appreciate that."
"This one does an excellent job of binding, but it's not the most comfortable. I wouldn't recommend it for wearing all the time. It also puts a fair bit of pressure on the stomach area, which can cause discomfort with eating. Unfortunately, out of the long style ones, this is the only one with velcro, which I highly recommend since we don't have proper measurements. The mid-length styles all have velcro, and they're significantly more comfortable. They go down to around the belly button, so they don't look too bra-like. More of a too short T-shirt."
Sephiroth stared helplessly. How the fuck did squashing breasts get so complicated? "Umm...What would you suggest? He's probably going to want to wear it as often as he can, so I don't want him feeling sick, but I'm sure he'd prefer the look of the long one."
"What I suggest, is that if you really want to get him something now, go for the mid-length. Then bring him in with you tomorrow so we can do a fitting, and I can show him how to wear it properly."
"I don't know if he'll be willing to come in, but I'll try to convince him."
"He doesn't go out?"
Sephiroth paused, trying to figure out what he could say that would sound the least suspicious. "He's uncomfortable with leaving the apartment...and...there are some safety concerns. I can deal with that, though; I'll get him to come."
"All right, I'll give you my card. If you give me a call to let me know when you'll be in, I can close up the shop while we do the fitting. Your friend will probably be a lot happier if there aren't people going in and out."
Sephiroth fiddled with the card in his hands. This man, Andy Gallagher, according to the card, was willing to close his business for however long it took to fit Cloud just to make him feel more comfortable? Did people actually care enough to do stuff like that? "Thank you. I'll talk to him about it this afternoon and call in the morning to let you know one way or the other."
After deciding on a top that would do for now, and getting a lengthy lesson on how to put it on, Sephiroth handed over a rather large chunk of gil and promised to be back the next day. It already felt like he had been shopping forever and he still had groceries to buy.
XXX
"Hey, Cloud, I'm back." Sephiroth grabbed the bags he had had to set down in the hallway and tossed them inside, shutting the door behind him.
Cloud poked his head out of the hallway. "Welcome back. Did you get what you needed?"
"A fair bit of it. Were you all right on your own?" He studied Cloud closely, looking to see if it looked like he had been crying or not. It didn't seem so...
"I was okay. Just watched a movie and had some lunch." Cloud started carrying grocery bags into the kitchen, then looked around awkwardly, obviously wondering where to put things.
"Glad you were all right." Sephiroth set his other purchases down on the kitchen table. "Here, come take a look at what I got you while I put the groceries away." He set the bag with the binder in it aside; that would probably go over better if he explained it first.
Cloud walked over to the table, looking painfully afraid of what he might find there, though Sephiroth couldn't imagine what he might be afraid of. "Your keycard is in there somewhere. I also picked up some movies and books the people at the stores recommended. And I got you a PHS; I didn't like leaving you without a way to contact me."
"I—I can't affo—"
"The phone's attached to my account. I'll take care of the cost, so don't worry about it. You need to have a way of getting in touch when I go back to work," Sephiroth said it firmly, hoping Cloud wouldn't argue. It wasn't safe leaving him without a way of calling for help.
Cloud looked a bit hesitant, but stammered a 'thank you' and began rummaging through the other bags, looking at what Sephiroth had picked out. He seemed happy with his selections, even making a happy sounding noise at one of the books. "I've been wanting to read this one since it came out," he explained.
"That's good. I'm glad I found something you'll like," Sephiroth said, sitting down at the table and taking out Cloud's new phone. "I've programmed my info, as well as Zack's, into it, and this explains the plan I put you on." Sephiroth pushed a pamphlet across the table. "It's got some long-distance minutes on it, so if you want to call your family, go ahead."
Cloud looked happy for a moment, then his face fell. "I can't. Not sounding like this. I sent my mom an email, that's good enough. I can never afford to call, anyway; she'd suspect something."
"I see." Sephiroth reached out and patted Cloud's hand. "Well, it's there if you change your mind. I'm sure it won't be impossible to think of something to tell her as an explanation if you do." He hesitated a moment before bringing out the last bag. "I got you something else," he said cautiously. "I was thinking that you're uncomfortable with...your chest being noticeable." At those words, Cloud automatically brought his arms up to cover himself. "So I found a specialty shop that sells these." He pulled the binder out of the bag and held it up for Cloud to see.
Cloud looked suspiciously at the binder. "What...what is it?"
"It's a breast-binder," Sephiroth said simply. "Transgender men and women dressing as men use them to hide their breasts." Sephiroth explained the binder, how it worked, and why he chose that one, while Cloud looked nervous, but a bit hopeful as well. "Do you want to try it? You don't have to, mind. Just if you want. You're perfectly fine the way you are now."
"I want to try it," Cloud said quickly, reaching out for the garment. "How do I...?"
"I'll help you with it. It'll probably be a lot easier that way. Come on, we can try it on in the bathroom so you can see."
"Okay." Cloud followed him eagerly to the bathroom, and didn't hesitate to take off his shirts. He did face away from the mirror though, and he stared at the ceiling while Sephiroth pulled the binder over his head.
"Put your right arm through," Sephiroth instructed. "Good. I'm going to have to touch you a bit, so don't be startled." Cloud held still as Sephiroth pulled the left side around and attached the velcro, adjusting the position of Cloud's breasts slightly to get them to look flatter. He tightened it up and made some more adjustments to the binder's position like Andy had shown him on the dummy, then checked to make sure it wasn't too tight anywhere. "There you go. What do you think?"
Cloud turned around slowly, a smile creeping over his face as he saw the result. It wasn't perfect; Sephiroth had a feeling the medium might be a bit big, but it did make a huge difference and, with a shirt on top, it would look pretty good.
"Thank you," Cloud choked out, his voice cracking a little. "Thank you so much." He kept turning around, looking at himself from every angle, and he even hesitantly touched his breasts, feeling how flat they were.
"Is it comfortable? Not too tight anywhere?"
"It's perfect." Tears were falling from Cloud's eyes now, but he just brushed them away and kept staring at his reflection. Sephiroth was feeling a bit shocked at Cloud's reaction; he hadn't expected him to be this happy over it.
"If you want to come out with me tomorrow, we can go to the store and get you fitted properly and pick up some more. There were a lot of different styles, so we should be able to find what looks best."
Cloud paused mid-turn. "Ou—out? Is that—? What if someone sees me? What if they think I'm a—a girl?"
"I'll come up with a plan for getting you out of here without anyone catching you. And no one's going to think you're a girl. Look at you. Put a T-shirt on over top of that and no one will know. You act like a man, and you dress like a man; people will think you're a man." Sephiroth held out Cloud's shirt and let him put it on. "See? With that hair, no one would ever suspect a thing. Besides, if I don't bring you in tomorrow, I suspect that the guy at the shop will accuse me of locking you away against your will and probably call the police. I'm sure he knows who I am, after all."
"Do you really think that no one will think I'm a girl?"
"I do. And if anything happens, I'll deal with it. Okay? I promise, it'll be all right."
Cloud looked at his reflection in the mirror again, smiling. "Okay. I can do it."
XXX
Cloud followed about a half step behind Zack as they exited the elevator. His shoulders were hunched over, his hands were in his pockets, and his eyes were trained on the ground. Sephiroth adjusted his hat and exited the lobby. As he did so, he heard Zack stumble, and Cloud muttered an apology. Sephiroth led the way until they were nearly at the train station, then he paused and waited for the other two to catch up.
"Any problems?" he asked.
"Nope," Zack said, pushing Cloud out in front of him. "Nobody questioned me having a buddy over to stay. So, you'll give me a call when you get back?"
"Yes, I'm not sure how long it'll take. I'd like to get some clothes for him as well."
"No problem. You two should get some lunch while you're at it. It's probably nice to get out of the house, hey, Cloud?"
Cloud shuffled and hunched over even more. "I just wanna get the stuff and go back." His voice was barely more than a whisper.
"It's going to be all right." Sephiroth reached out and touched Cloud's shoulder. "We'll get it done as fast as we can and go home."
"All right, I'll see you in a little while then. Good luck!" Zack jogged off, back towards HQ.
The shop had a closed sign hanging in the door when they got there, but Sephiroth grabbed Cloud's wrist as he was turning away and knocked. "I told you he'd shut the shop for us, just wait."
Cloud nodded and clutched tightly to Sephiroth's hand. He had barely said more than two words since they had left; Sephiroth figured he was probably afraid that his voice would give him away. He sighed and pulled Cloud towards him, giving him a quick hug until he heard footsteps coming.
The door unlocked, and Andy opened it wide, beckoning them inside. "Glad you could make it. Come on in. So, Cloud, is it?"
"Yes," Cloud whispered.
"I can tell right off the bat that the medium's too big on you. It doesn't look bad," he said when Cloud reached up to cover his chest, "It's just not a perfect fit. We can do better than that."
Sephiroth browsed through the clothes at the front of the store while Andy led Cloud to the back and began pulling things off of the shelves again. He went into the same explanation that he had given Sephiroth yesterday, then they disappeared into a fitting room. The men's clothing selection seemed to be cut slightly differently than the way he was used to—nothing there would fit him, but it did seem likely that they would fit Cloud. The shoes were mostly smaller sizes than regular men's shoes. Some of them had lifts built into the bottoms, and there was a selection of thick insoles, as well.
"Sephiroth?" Andy was back, looking slightly worried.
"Is Cloud okay?"
"He's doing all right. I understand what you meant about him not handling things very well though. I'm used to helping people who are uncomfortable in their own bodies, and I've been there myself, but he acts like this is something new."
Sephiroth looked away, not wanting to say anything about the circumstances surrounding Cloud's situation.
"Anyway, he's worried about the cost of many of the things I've had him try on. He says he can't afford them. Should I be looking for things in his price range?"
"No, I'm paying. I thought he knew that. I'll talk to him."
"Sure, just through here."
He followed Andy to the back where the change rooms were, and knocked on the door of the one closed cubical. "Cloud, don't worry about the cost. I know you can't afford it, and I don't expect you to pay. I do expect you to get what you need to feel more comfortable and enough so you can wear them as often as you want. I think they're hand wash only, so get enough that you can still have something to wear while they're being washed."
"Are you sure? Some of these are really—"
"I can afford it, Cloud. I saw the prices yesterday. After you've picked out the binders you want, come take a look at the clothes, as well. I think you'll have an easier time finding stuff that fits you here."
There was a short pause, then, "Okay. Thank you."
He turned back to Andy and nodded. "Make sure he picks out enough to last him a week at least."
XXX
"Are you sure you don't want to stop somewhere for lunch?" Sephiroth asked as they sat down on the train. The car was nearly deserted except for a couple of kids who were obviously playing hooky.
"I..." Cloud stared at his lap while he hesitated.
"It's just that I don't think I'm going to have many opportunities to safely take you out. You might not be yet, but you are going to get sick of being stuck in the apartment all the time. Besides, you look great in your new clothes. Don't you want to show them off?"
Cloud blushed and smiled, then nodded. "All right. As long as it's no trouble for you."
"What would be troublesome is thinking of something to make for lunch. I know a good place far enough from headquarters so no one who might recognize you will be there." Sephiroth paused for a moment. "I don't think anyone would notice, but if you're worried about your voice, I can order for you. And, if I recall correctly, they've just got a single-stall, unisex washroom."
"O—okay. That'd be good. I didn't think of that, but...I guess—Do you think, like, if it wasn't unisex, would I be able to use the men's washroom?"
"I think so. We can't exactly go around quizzing everyone on whether they think you're male or female, but I haven't noticed anyone looking at you strangely, and I've been watching. I think you'd be far more likely to be pointed out if you used the women's."
"But, what about, you know..."
"The urinals? Skip them entirely and use a stall. It's not weird; there're a couple guys in SOLDIER who never use the urinals. No one will care."
Cloud snorted disbelievingly. "No one cares 'cause they're SOLDIERs. I'll bet if they were my size, people would care."
"Well, I don't have a lot of experience outside SOLDIER, but I don't think it's terribly uncommon for guys to use a stall to piss. Come on, it's not like it's going to come up often, but if it does, I'll have your back." Sephiroth gathered up the bags and held out his hand. "It's closer if we get off at the next stop."
Cloud sighed heavily as he got up. "Great, I'll just never go anywhere without you."
Sephiroth frowned at that. Cloud couldn't go anywhere without him; it wasn't safe to be out on his own. He supposed that Zack would make a decent substitute, but Zack wouldn't let him get beaten up in a public washroom either. "It's not going to be forever, and if it becomes a problem, there are options out there, like there were options with the binders. You're not the only person who's ever been stuck in the wrong body. You just have the misfortune of having had it sprung on you."
